Is this codie behavior?
Practicing the lion's roar
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 291
Is this codie behavior?
Hi everybody-
As a refresher, my A fiance said that if he doesn't quit drinking by Jan. 1, he'll go into rehab. He knows I'll move out if he doesn't. So, last night he's all tanked and asks me if I'll look into inpatient rehab programs for him. My first thought was "I've already done that you can go here or here or here" etc.
But, that's not what I say. I tell him that he should do it himself because that way he can find a program that appeals to him, works with his insurance, etc. He says, "I don't even want to think about it."
I fully believe that he wouldn't be considering rehab at all if it weren't for me pushing him to sober up (which I've stopped doing... the most I'll do is say "if you sober up" when he asks if I'm still going to marry him). Saying that he doesn't even want to think about it makes me believe that he really isn't ready for this yet and if he goes through with it, it won't "stick."
So here's my question... would it be codie of me to find inpatient programs for him, or is it indeed better for him to do it himself, so he feels some ownership in his recovery?
Or do I already know the answer?
As a refresher, my A fiance said that if he doesn't quit drinking by Jan. 1, he'll go into rehab. He knows I'll move out if he doesn't. So, last night he's all tanked and asks me if I'll look into inpatient rehab programs for him. My first thought was "I've already done that you can go here or here or here" etc.
But, that's not what I say. I tell him that he should do it himself because that way he can find a program that appeals to him, works with his insurance, etc. He says, "I don't even want to think about it."
I fully believe that he wouldn't be considering rehab at all if it weren't for me pushing him to sober up (which I've stopped doing... the most I'll do is say "if you sober up" when he asks if I'm still going to marry him). Saying that he doesn't even want to think about it makes me believe that he really isn't ready for this yet and if he goes through with it, it won't "stick."
So here's my question... would it be codie of me to find inpatient programs for him, or is it indeed better for him to do it himself, so he feels some ownership in his recovery?
Or do I already know the answer?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi,
I can give a suggestion to another person about what 'they' should or could do, after that it's up to that person to choose what to do. At that point I need to let it go and just do what I need to do.
If something is truly important to me I will do it, if not I will find reasons/excuses not to and/or try to postpone taking action. Therapy, 12 step programs and rehabs only work when the person going truly desires help.
I can give a suggestion to another person about what 'they' should or could do, after that it's up to that person to choose what to do. At that point I need to let it go and just do what I need to do.
If something is truly important to me I will do it, if not I will find reasons/excuses not to and/or try to postpone taking action. Therapy, 12 step programs and rehabs only work when the person going truly desires help.
Practicing the lion's roar
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 291
Originally Posted by cmc 
Therapy, 12 step programs and rehabs only work when the person going truly desires help.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
morning alltoosober
you have answered your own questions.
i've done the legwork for xah numerous times, made it all nice and easy for him, made all the appointments, went to all the meetings required, even put little sticky tabs with arrows pointing to where his signature went on the paperwork.
that was 25-30 rehabs ago.
it just doesnt' work unless they take full ownership.
take care of yourself, please.
love to you
jeri
you have answered your own questions.
i've done the legwork for xah numerous times, made it all nice and easy for him, made all the appointments, went to all the meetings required, even put little sticky tabs with arrows pointing to where his signature went on the paperwork.
that was 25-30 rehabs ago.
it just doesnt' work unless they take full ownership.
take care of yourself, please.
love to you
jeri
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by AllTooSober
I think he truly desires me to stay with him more than he truly desires to get help.
I'm hoping he'll look into programs himself as that would indicate to me that he's serious about wanting to quit. That's not expecting too much from him, is it?
I hate to sound so cynical. But I spent a year making deals with my ex, agreeing to stay with him so long as he was working a program and trying to get sober. I trusted and supported him, went to meetings with him, sat alone in his living room while he was at AA meetings. And he played me every time. Not only was he not trying to get sober from alcohol, he was smoking crack. He made a fool out of me for so long. Not that that's exactly what's happening to you, but in my experience, they'll play you and make deals with you and milk your "support" as long as they possibly can. Because the alternatives are them facing consequences or taking action. And addicts don't like either.
Practicing the lion's roar
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 291
That's exactly what I was thinking--Thank you for validating my instincts.
I'm doing alright these days--not getting too upset at him when he's tanked, not doing for him what he should do for himself, etc. And, I'm actively putting what I call 'Plan B' together so if I need to move out, I can do so quickly.
In fact, even if he does get into a program, I still might have to move out, so he can work on himself and figure out how to be happy without alcohol. After a year or so of that he might be able to have a decent relationship with himself, and then another person, if not me.
I'm doing alright these days--not getting too upset at him when he's tanked, not doing for him what he should do for himself, etc. And, I'm actively putting what I call 'Plan B' together so if I need to move out, I can do so quickly.
In fact, even if he does get into a program, I still might have to move out, so he can work on himself and figure out how to be happy without alcohol. After a year or so of that he might be able to have a decent relationship with himself, and then another person, if not me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
He really truly desires you stay with him AND that you will back off the re-hab thing so he doesn't have to do anything and he can have his cake and eat it too.
Take care of you.
Ngaire
Take care of you.
Ngaire
Originally Posted by AllTooSober
And therein lies my skepticism. I think he truly desires me to stay with him more than he truly desires to get help. I'm hoping he'll look into programs himself as that would indicate to me that he's serious about wanting to quit. That's not expecting too much from him, is it?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
I think you made an excellent decision in not doing the work for him. You know, we get so used to taking care of our addicted loved ones that we gradually come to view them as completely incompetent. As if they were infants in grown up bodies, incapable of making decisions and taking action on their own behalf. But they are not babies; they are adults who can in fact make choices and act, BUT only if they want to. If he wants to seek treatment, he should be doing the research and arranging appointments, not you.
Practicing the lion's roar
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 291
I really miss the thank you button!!
lilac, thanks! :-)
Ngaire, you're quite right in that's probably what he REALLY wants. I will back off on the rehab thing, but he doesn't take the initiative and get into a program (if he can't quit by himself, that is) I'm outta there. No more discussion.
an'ka, you made excellent points too--thanks!
lilac, thanks! :-)
Ngaire, you're quite right in that's probably what he REALLY wants. I will back off on the rehab thing, but he doesn't take the initiative and get into a program (if he can't quit by himself, that is) I'm outta there. No more discussion.
an'ka, you made excellent points too--thanks!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
My sister got to that point. What I did (and I know it was "enabling" in some ways) was said...here are the numbers of a few places. If you are interested,give them a call. Period.
The place we had preferred,she rejected the morning my other sister and I were going to take her. I mentioned AA and wished her good luck. Afterall, SHE had to figure out how to pay for it,etc....so when she got desperate enough,she did. She went to a local Outpatient place (that originally thought,as I did,would not "work" because she lives alone,etc) I am happy to report that I was wrong and she has been sober two years now. By the way,their number was one that I did give her.
You never know.
The place we had preferred,she rejected the morning my other sister and I were going to take her. I mentioned AA and wished her good luck. Afterall, SHE had to figure out how to pay for it,etc....so when she got desperate enough,she did. She went to a local Outpatient place (that originally thought,as I did,would not "work" because she lives alone,etc) I am happy to report that I was wrong and she has been sober two years now. By the way,their number was one that I did give her.
You never know.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Oh and the other thing is no it's not too much to expect from him if he were a normal person, but he is an irresponsible A.
Ngaire
Ngaire
Originally Posted by AllTooSober
I really miss the thank you button!!
lilac, thanks! :-)
Ngaire, you're quite right in that's probably what he REALLY wants. I will back off on the rehab thing, but he doesn't take the initiative and get into a program (if he can't quit by himself, that is) I'm outta there. No more discussion.
an'ka, you made excellent points too--thanks!
lilac, thanks! :-)
Ngaire, you're quite right in that's probably what he REALLY wants. I will back off on the rehab thing, but he doesn't take the initiative and get into a program (if he can't quit by himself, that is) I'm outta there. No more discussion.
an'ka, you made excellent points too--thanks!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
Not bad at all. It would be SOOO much more peaceful for you. He will still be there in your thoughts, and bother you on the phone, but it's wonderful coming home and feeling no anxiety, no fear of arguments or his behavior while drunk--trust me, having your own place will make you feel human again
.
.
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Alltoosober,
17 years ago, after living three years with AB, taking him numerous times to detox and him getting back home before me, I left him without warning or discussion. I had a friend of mine serve him with a notice to quit (we weren't married but were living together) which gives him 10 days to leave our apt. or a sheriff would put him out and when he tried to reach me at my friend's house I hung up the phone each and every time (I didn't work at the time). Three weeks later, his sister in law calls and tells me his mother is taking him to detox. I told her to tell his mother that would be a waste of time, and he'd be home before she knew it. He went thru detox then to rehab, came back, did his 90 in 90 and tried to work on our relationship. He stayed sober for over 14 years, we married and made a great life together. He is now drinking again for a few years, back to where he was before he stopped. I always remember after we got back after rehab. He told me I gave him the push he needed to get help, but he was also ready to get help. He said "I always said when I was ready to stop, I would" and he did. After all those years of sobriety, I guess he was ready to start again. Since then, I used to beg, plead, threaten, etc., he'd make deals (always broken) and still hasn't stopped. I am still with him because he is a good person and great father and grandfather, but I know he's not ready to stop so I do for me now and try not to worry about him, even though he is dying of liver disease. That is his choice. If that doesn't make him want to stop, nothing will. But I do know that when he is ready, he will stop. And if he doesn't, there's nothing I could do. And you were right on by not looking into programs or making phone calls for him. If he wants the help, he has to do it. Good luck.
QT
17 years ago, after living three years with AB, taking him numerous times to detox and him getting back home before me, I left him without warning or discussion. I had a friend of mine serve him with a notice to quit (we weren't married but were living together) which gives him 10 days to leave our apt. or a sheriff would put him out and when he tried to reach me at my friend's house I hung up the phone each and every time (I didn't work at the time). Three weeks later, his sister in law calls and tells me his mother is taking him to detox. I told her to tell his mother that would be a waste of time, and he'd be home before she knew it. He went thru detox then to rehab, came back, did his 90 in 90 and tried to work on our relationship. He stayed sober for over 14 years, we married and made a great life together. He is now drinking again for a few years, back to where he was before he stopped. I always remember after we got back after rehab. He told me I gave him the push he needed to get help, but he was also ready to get help. He said "I always said when I was ready to stop, I would" and he did. After all those years of sobriety, I guess he was ready to start again. Since then, I used to beg, plead, threaten, etc., he'd make deals (always broken) and still hasn't stopped. I am still with him because he is a good person and great father and grandfather, but I know he's not ready to stop so I do for me now and try not to worry about him, even though he is dying of liver disease. That is his choice. If that doesn't make him want to stop, nothing will. But I do know that when he is ready, he will stop. And if he doesn't, there's nothing I could do. And you were right on by not looking into programs or making phone calls for him. If he wants the help, he has to do it. Good luck.
QT
Practicing the lion's roar
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 291
Wow queentree, thank you for telling me that. I mean it. Among my many fears about his addiction, the biggest is exactly what you've described here... he sobers up for a while, long enough to lull me into complacency, only to have him relapse full-blown and put me, and any kids we may have, through hell all over again. That fear alone is enough to make me want to run.
Were the 14 good years good enough to make what you're dealing with now worthwhile? I know that's hard to answer because kids and grandkids are worth everything... but if you knew then what you know now, that he'd relapse after 14 years, would you have made the same choices?
Were the 14 good years good enough to make what you're dealing with now worthwhile? I know that's hard to answer because kids and grandkids are worth everything... but if you knew then what you know now, that he'd relapse after 14 years, would you have made the same choices?
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Alltoosober, That's a hard one. The 14 years we had were great, he was the best husband, lover, best friend, father, everything. When I left him many years ago, I really meant it. I walked away, never to return. It wasn't because I gave him an ultimatum. I wanted out, I was done. I was tired of the broken promises, and everything else that went along with it. It wasn't the life I wanted. And even after he got sober, he had to work real hard on himself first, while only dating me once a week for about six months or so (my choice, if he had his way he would have seen me every day). Had I known that this would have happened again in my life would I have made the same choices? I doubt it, but you know what, I did and what's meant to be is meant to be. And whatever choice you decide to make will be the right choice for you because everything happens for a reason, we just don't know yet what that reason is. In the end, everything works out, maybe not the way we wanted it to, but it does. Keep reading and posting, you still have till January to make up your mind. Just be prepared when you do leave that you're leaving for the right reason and be prepared that he may be OK with that and still not get the help he needs. Please make sure that is what you truly want. And if he gets the help he needs, that's great. All the best to you.
QT
QT
Practicing the lion's roar
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 291
queentree, you are clearly very wise, and I'm very thankful to be benefitting from your wisdom. I already know that the life I have today is not the life I want forever, and that I will be happier and better off by myself if he doesn't want to start recovery now. It's not an ultimatum; it's just how it is. I also believe that he won't get the help he needs if I leave, and that it won't be my fault if he doesn't. Even if he DOES go get help, it may still not work out between us, and I'm ok with that too.
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