IrshIzNotSmilin

Hi. I love all of my friends here. But i want to focus this thread toward some of you who are still with your A in your life. Everyday.

I read a lot of posts and shares in different places.

I am wondering today about a couple of things.

For the people who are with their A partner at this time married or not. If you are active in al-anon and/or understand the steps.

How do you practice these:

-the courage to accept the things you cannot change while you are in this relationship

and

-let go and let god.


Do you feel or see doing these as a failure or hiding from the alcoholism in your life? Or do you see it differently?

and How do you cope ? or not?

Just Curious Like George......

IrshIzNotSmilin

I kind of feel stupid. I guess I am the only one here that is married to her A. Thanks anyway. Hey all , Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

embraced2000

hi irsh!!!!!

don't feel stupid, irsh.....i understand, tho....sometimes i feel like a serial thread killer....so many posts end when i am the last to post.....ah wellllll.

i know many women in my al-anon family still live with their a's and do so very well.

maybe since this thread has been brought back up to the top, you will get more responses now.

luv to ya
jeri

TiredandWorn

No, you're not the only one!

I am married to mine and he is still in the house. I'm not active in Al-anon (although I would love to be) because I don't have anyone to watch my kids when there are meetings, and they do not allow children--I've checked. I've read a lot, but until I found this site on Sunday, never spoke a word about my problems to anyone except A's sister and mine.

As far as the steps you chose, at this point in my life, the courage to accept the things I cannot change while in this relationship go between ignoring to the point of convincing myself things are not "all that bad" (not good) to taking a breath every time he walks out the door and making peace with the fact I may not see him again. To me, letting go and let God, pretty much means the same thing in my situation currently.

But, I am getting to the point where I'm at the end I feel. I've kind of set January 1st as my cut-off because I cannot imagine spending another year in this hell--and I don't want my children to either. But, I also said that over three years ago when I found out about the addictions.

But at least I'm talking about this more than I ever have, and have "met" people that I feel comfortable with to the point where I can reveal the ugly truths about my seemingly "perfect" life.

So I really appreciate you posting this question and am curious to see how you interpret/work these steps in your life.

Thanks again and I hope you are having a good evening.

mazey

I feel bad you haven't gotten much for responses. They will come....and there are wives & girlfriends here, still w/ their A partners. Years ago, I did Alanon and lived w/ my A and it was difficult sometimes for me to follow the guidelines. I love (still) the book 'Courage to Change', it helped me alot then living w/ him. I have to say ya let them live their lives, Not enabling them and the most difficult is detatching. Pretty much living my life for me to find joy in what I chose to do. Others will be here to help you with how they do it while living w/ their A's.

cmc

Irsh,
No feeling stupid allowed!!! Sorry I'm late to post a reply here.
I've been happily married for almost 33 years.
The serenity prayer... has two 'actions' courage to accept what can be changed, and wisdom to know the difference- we work that out to mean we understand each other but care enough to make changes when needed to keep peace and make each other happy. The 'let go and let God' in my marraige means that we have faith in God, exercise patience with each other but not accept anything less than mutual love and respect. We have got through many difficulties not related to recovery, by living this way.
We practice the steps of recovery with each other by trying to be honest and forgiving. We have had some very rough spots along the way, but things always worked out. It hasn't all been easy and there has been sadness and all the other emotions one could name. All the struggles have made us very grateful to have each other and still be in love...(awwww) The main thing that holds us together is God, without the knowlege and faith in Him, I doubt things would have worked out for us.

reader

I have been married to my AH for 15 years. It has taken a long time to accept that only my husband can stop his drinking. It is completely out of my control. I can chose to accept it or make my life miserable by trying to control something I can't. What has helped me is to stick to my boundries. A couple years ago I told my husband that I do not want him drinking around the house or in front of the kids. I am grateful he has accepted this. If he wants to drink I don't want to see it, period. I don't see it as a failure or hiding his alcoholism, I see it as making my life happier.

AllTooSober

I'm engaged to my A and we've lived together since June, which was about when I started realizing the extent of his drinking. He's set a deadline for himself to become a "social drinker" by the end of the holidays, and now I'm just waiting for the holidays to be over so I can finally either have some peace at home or move out (which, to be honest, is the more likely eventuality). I love my A dearly but also know that I cannot live with an active alcoholic. Right now I just get by day by day reminding myself that only HE can fix himself and that there's nothing wrong with defending my boundaries by moving out, if that's what it comes down to.

GettingBy

Hey Irish!

I had a nice long response typed out yesterday... hit the dang post button... and it was gone! Poof! And then I got busy at work and never got back to the re-writin'! So... here goes attempt No. 2.

As you know, I'm still very much with my husband so I practice Acceptance and Letting go on a daily basis (especially now that I have a 'lil one to keep me busy). Some examples of acceptance...

When my husband was active, he was absolutely, completely, untrustable with money. He would take out our last $100 and blow it all on drinks. I would nag and beg and plead... and nothing changed. He was an alkie, and he was gonna do what he was gonna do... so I accepted that. He sucked with money, so I stop putting MY money in harms way (so to speak). I took my check, put it in a seperate account and made sure my bills got paid. That way if he chose to blow money, it was his bill money he was blowin'.

Another one... He sucks with his cellphone. He picks and choses when he'll take my calls, and if and when he returns messages. It's just who he is, so I accept it. I call once, if I get him, great... if not, I leave a message and then move on. If it's an emergency, I figure out how to handle it on my own.

Acceptance, for me, means living life on an "As-is" basis. No more "what ifs" or "wishing it would be different"... life on life's terms. It doesn't, however, mean laying down and accepting bad behavior from the A. It means acknowledging we can't change it, but we can (and should!) protect ourselves from it!

Let Go and Let God... well, this one for me is when I make a decision, I let go of the outcome. There are so many ways things can work out that there's no way I can control what will/won't happen... so, whatever happens, happens and I'll deal with it then, and I'm sure whatever happens will work just fine for me! See the trick to this one (for me!) is that I try to always look for the hidden blessings. A slow car in front of me when I'm late? Chances are there's a cop waiting around the corner and that car just saved me from a speeding ticket (I can't even count how many times that one has happened!!!). There have been so many moments when I've just felt completely overwhelmed, and I've had to sit down and say, "I can't do this all right now. Please God, take some of it for me!" It helps. It's a nice reminder that I'm not completely alone in this battle (of me versus the world!! LOL!).

I hope that helps... I had some better examples yesterday... but I can't remember it all!

Anything specific you're struggling with?

:-) Shannon

GettingBy

P.S. Acceptance is the exact opposite of hiding from alcoholism. It's facing the truth and saying, "It is what it is." For me, I accept that my husband has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. At any moment he could slide back down that slippery slope, and there ain't a dang thing I can do to change/control/cure that. It's a reality that I must face. No more denial.

steady14

I am with my A wife who is now in recovery and I find that I need to recite the serenity prayer in my head numerous times a day. I'm working on the let go and let god thing but it's not easy.

Early sobriety is hard. My wife came home from rehab and changed person, someone I no longer new. The repressed emotions that have been stunted by alcohol and drug abuse for years are now emerging and she is having a hard time with these new emotional swings. She's not sure what she is feeling or what she wants from moment to moment. As a result, our relationship is still very strained.

We have very good moments and then swing to very bad moments. It's all very frustrating and I find that I need Al-anon now more than when she was actively using.

It all boils down to a simple truth. You can only control what you do, think, and feel. You cannot do these things for your SO, only they can do this for themselves. It's a matter of recognizing what you cannot change someone, you can only change you and your environment.

Letting go and letting god is a leap of faith. That you trust that some higher power will take care of things so that they work out for the best. It's a very difficult thing to do since as codependents, we feel the need to control. It's basically letting someone sink or swim since there really is no other choice. It can be painful to watch but then again, when and if they do finally start making progress, it's more likely to be real since it was done on their terms.

I also liken this to seeing someone standing on the edge of a cliff. You want to try to pull them back but your arms are not long enough to reach. You can only hope that they do not fall.

Good luck with your recovery and keep going to Al-anon. I wish I could say that I'm making better progress but it's baby steps during the moments I'm awake.

MsPINKAcres

My AH & I have been married a little over 14 yrs. He has been in recovery almost 4 yrs. I've been in Al-Anon a little over 3 yrs.

Although my AH may not be drinking/using at this time, definitely all of his character defects have not been changed. There are still some things that have gotten better in sobriety, but believe me, some have not.

That is where I definitely have had to apply the Serenity Prayer - I also look at the fact that I am still learning, growing, recovery & so is he.

The hardest thing I have had to deal with was the subject of a possible relapse. That was very painful & still can be. My AH had been thru treatment twice prior to our relationship, & had tried attending meetings during the first 10 1/2 yrs of our marriage - that didn't really do much good. So how do I know that he is really going to stay with his program this time????

I don't.

I know that we are not suppose to get caught up in the "what if's", but for me I needed to look at this "what if" to name my fear - to try to work past it. "What if my AH relapsed, left me in another financial bind & I had to leave him & I'm all alone again?" Well, I've already been in that situation.
My HP & I made it thru it then & we can do it again -

My trust & security doesn't come from my AH's sobriety - it comes for my HP's love for me - that is what gets me thru the tough times.

Just my e, s, & h,
Rita

IrshIzNotSmilin

Thank you all. you are very special and sincere people. Jeri, Shannon,cmc and mazey special thanks for hearing me. I feel so not heard lately. I feel terribly isolated and I know that is coming from within but I am unable right now to practice the 1st and 2nd steps unfortunately everything inside feels choked. I am unable to get out of my head the tape that goes over and over to my AH " you have ruined my life, I LOVE YOU YOU YOU get it it is you. and that is very special to me and YOU are messing it all up. YOU are making me feel at risk, scared, uncertain of my future. YOU are ruining it for me to go to IVF because YOU are portraying a bad picture for my children ( you know the imaginary ones in my head that aren't here because I am too scared to bring them into this life) funny thing is he has 4 kids very successful and the youngest a boy may have a problem but not serious yet too young and did get into trouble one year ago DUI and that was bad. So he learned something and they sent him to drunk school and he needs to see a counselor. The three girls are driven, successful very young and talented ages range in their 20's. I am so confused and mad. I think about how these kids are. Are they truly ok. He is a devoted father, does not drink during the day, runs his own business, is extremely responsible, does laundry, does dishes, does whatever on his own you do not have to prompt and my counselor says. Hey assess the risk he drinks we know it is it really a terrible risk if you want to have a child do it. Then I get nervous and sick. I do not understand all of it. I just know there have been times when the drinking was bad and I do not know what to do with that. Anyway Shannon I do not know if it is a question here as much as a big fat HELP coming from a deep dark hurt place and not just from this marriage from past disappointments in love (parental) not getting what i needed as a child kind of hurt and pain that I wanted from my dad. I think that I am just so aching over all of it. I usually want to run away I just don't know what to do. Thanks for listening to this blahhhhhhhhhhhhh. Thanks for the I am not stupid too. Happy Thanksgiving. I am thankful for you guys.

embraced2000

((((((hugs irsh))))))

i understand.

love you
jeri

GettingBy

(((irish)))).....

One step at a time. Step One - We admit we are powerless. This one took me several MONTHS to work through, and know what? I find myself going back to it almost DAILY!

How about just "being" today? Take it easy. Take a break, 10 minutes, 2 minutes, an hour... whatever you can afford... to just relax (as best you can!) and enjoy a moment of peace and quiet.

You don't have to figure it all out today, ok?

Thinking of you,
Shannon

IrshIzNotSmilin

Love yu too jeri thanks really. I really need the hug. Hug back to you.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Shannon thanks in the last two minutes you guys managed to make me feel just a little bit better. I hear you. I am going to leave work now and give myself a break. I am going for a drive and I am not going to think about it. Okay.

GettingBy

Good for you! Find a fun song, turn the radio up loud and sing on top of your lungs!

My personal favorite for that has always been American Girl by Tom Petty! Although I'm really starting to favor Carrie Underwood. That girl can sing!

justagirl

Still married to my husband after 11 years. We have been dating or whatever since we were 16.
Just so you know, it is worse than ever as the disease progresses.

The serenity and let go let god thing.....This is how I practice them....
I pray those words. Through tears, through anger, through everything.

I have to always keep my mind focused on these things to keep them in my head.

I DON'T take that beer out of his hands, even when he spills it and I KNOW it will not get cleaned up. Even if the house smells like beer after a while and there are stains on the carpet/couch/pants.

I DON'T take the garbage out if he passes out and forgets and there are maggots in our bin. I HATE THAT but I don't do it.

When I feel like I'm about to freak out, I repeat: Let Go and Let God. God, Please take this feeling away! Please take care of this! Thank you! (even if I have to say it a hundred times through tears)

And most importantly for me, I TRY to not be a mean person to him, even if it takes every part of me not to knock his a$$ out!

mallowcup

I am married and I live with my husband. I think I deal with the drinking by the changes I have made in myself. I don't wag a finger. I noticed a pattern to his drinking and modified my time with him to exclude his drinking time. It's worked great for me. I now work 3-11. I see my husband when he is sober. I had become a reactionary. I realized that I was allowing his drinking to define who I was, how I reacted and the mood it set for the day. I don't have a problem with people drinking, I will not become their fodder when they rant. I did talk to my husband and it left some kind of impression because he knew I meant it. I didn't yell. I told him calmly and very sincerely, " I am your wife, I wear your name. I told him that he had alot to do with bringing esteem or embarrassment to being his wife. I don't want a husband who smells of yesterdays booze, I told him he was not interesting when he drinks, he was a lousy lover and I couldn't remember the last time I was satisfied. I said I had no desire to hurt him but....this is my life. I told him that if I acted like he does sometimes, he'd have kicked me out years ago. I did name a few specifics. Last, I told him he always says he loves me, well why shouldn't he? I told him that unfortunately he was missing the main point. He wasn't making sure I loved him. There is nothing too spectacular about the things I said. I think he had no idea I felt that way. He thought this was all working. I told him that old saying. To see a mans true character, look into his wifes eyes. I told him he could play around thinking none of it showed. I said look into my eyes. My husband treats me with a new respect. Somehow something I said effected him. I won't fight. I won't bash him or make fun of him. I can be who I want to be no matter what he's doing because I'm me not him. I didn't set out to change him, I set out to change me. In that process of changing myself, he has changed. I face his alcoholism with dignity.