My wife is an alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Oakland, California
Posts: 5
My wife is an alcoholic
This email is primarily for those men whose wife or girlfriend has a substance abuse problem. My wife is drinking everyday now and it's really impacting our relationship. I've been clean and sober for 15 years now and thought I try to deal with the situation, it's getting to the point in my life where I just want to separate from her and go on with my life. I still do care for her, but he constant drinking every night. The hiding of vodka bottles throughout the house is maddening. I've attempted on too many occassions to remind her what life was like when I was drinking, but it just doesn't appear to do any good. I'm in constant fear of failure, to say anything to her because it ususally leads to an argument. At present, from her last weekend binge, I finally moved out of the bedroom into the other one. Instead of her sensing that we might have problem, all she has been doing is drinking herself into a stuper. Don't anyone have a good advice they can provide. I've been to ALA-NON and that just didn't seem to work for me. I still take life "one day at a time", but this is just getting unbearable.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
Its sad to see your wife, your mate, descend into such madness. I faced the same thing. I never had a substance abuse problem, and my wifes alcoholism was my first personal experience with the illness.
I have no good news. My marriage ended. She got her first DWI, sent her to rehab where she had an affair with a drunk she met while staying there. She got out, I found out about the affair, we split up, she got two more DWI's, two totaled cars, broken limbs, detox............now she has diappeared again with her rehab lover. She has shed her old life like a snake sheds its skin.
I will never understand how she could abandon her kids, but I learned to accept her being out of my, and my kids life, as a blessing. She was not getting better. I hope one day she will.
My advice? Your wife can only help herself. If it comes down between your life, your sobriety.....save yourself. It sounds cruel, but she has a choice to make. If she chooses life and goes to rehab, find an all womens facility. Maybe you can avoid what I faced.
Best wishes and prayers.
I have no good news. My marriage ended. She got her first DWI, sent her to rehab where she had an affair with a drunk she met while staying there. She got out, I found out about the affair, we split up, she got two more DWI's, two totaled cars, broken limbs, detox............now she has diappeared again with her rehab lover. She has shed her old life like a snake sheds its skin.
I will never understand how she could abandon her kids, but I learned to accept her being out of my, and my kids life, as a blessing. She was not getting better. I hope one day she will.
My advice? Your wife can only help herself. If it comes down between your life, your sobriety.....save yourself. It sounds cruel, but she has a choice to make. If she chooses life and goes to rehab, find an all womens facility. Maybe you can avoid what I faced.
Best wishes and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Baum - Welcome to SR. I've been married to an alcoholic for 22 yrs and he adamantly refused to go to rehab. A year later he left us for a meth/alcoholic hooch and filed for divorce. Some people never admit that they have a problem and its so sad....my heart goes out to you. Alanon was doing it for me either and I'm just going about the healing process the old fashioned way - no meds - no nothing except what help I have gotten here on SR. The people here have been wonderful. Some were brutally honest and made me cry even. Then some were as understanding as a close relative would be. I can't even explain the kind of help you will get from everyone here but let me encourage you to keep posting ok. You won't be sorry hun. (((((((hugs)))))))
Janit
Janit
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Evening, Baum. Are you hoping to find a way to convince your girlfriend to stop drinking or find just the right words to encourage her to get help? If you are, then you'll surely be disappointed. As you've already seen for yourself, talking to an active addict in hopes of effecting a change in them is pointless.
And unless you enjoy sleeping alone, the only thing that sleeping in a separate bedroom will accomplish is no more fighting for the covers. It won't help your girlfriend realize that she has a problem because she's in deep denial about her drinking. So much so that she probably blames the bulk of her drinking on you.
Think back to the days when you were lost in your addiction. Did anyone have the power--through their words or actions--to make you stop drinking? You stopped drinking when you were ready, when it no longer served a purpose in your life, and when you were sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Many folks find that Alanon is a great outlet and a wonderful source of support. Did you attend one meeting or several meetings? Most folks recommend that you make a commitment to attend at least six meetings before you decide it's not the right place for you.
Welcome to the forum. Looking forward to getting to know you.
And unless you enjoy sleeping alone, the only thing that sleeping in a separate bedroom will accomplish is no more fighting for the covers. It won't help your girlfriend realize that she has a problem because she's in deep denial about her drinking. So much so that she probably blames the bulk of her drinking on you.
Think back to the days when you were lost in your addiction. Did anyone have the power--through their words or actions--to make you stop drinking? You stopped drinking when you were ready, when it no longer served a purpose in your life, and when you were sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Many folks find that Alanon is a great outlet and a wonderful source of support. Did you attend one meeting or several meetings? Most folks recommend that you make a commitment to attend at least six meetings before you decide it's not the right place for you.
Welcome to the forum. Looking forward to getting to know you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Fergus Falls, MN
Posts: 1
I feel for you, I have a similar tale to tell
Ihave been married to the same woman for 29 years. It was great at first but a couple years down the road and I would buy a bottle to have around the house when company came and it would disappear. Her Mother it was common knowledge to never call after 5 cause she would be too drunk to remember and her dad drank a lot as well but was much more a social drinker. Then about 17 years ago her drinking started steadily increasing and starining our relationship more and more would come home to her passed out in a seperate bedroom. Occassionally she would fall down in the tub in the nitchen etc.. and be unable to get herself up or respond. One time in March with -20 temps she went out to blow snow while I was gone to work and passed out outside. Had it not been for the kids finding her, rolling her into a sled and pulling her into the garage and putting blankets on her and getting some heat going she would have froze to death. And that was less than a year after going through treatment caused by getting her first dui with a bac of .21.... did she stop, nope about a month ago she got her second dui with a bac of .28 so she is once again going through treatment and has been for about a month. Last night came home to her passed out again in bed. and I do mean passed out not sleeping. I too remember when she was fun and we had common interests and goals, but at what point does a person give up on that dream and cut your losses? If we werent married I know we would have split up long ago. Our 2 boys 11 and 17 have had enough as well, they gave her one last chance after her second dui, no more drinking, well that didnt last long. there hasnt been any intamcy in our marriage in years. HELP!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Larry863 
but at what point does a person give up on that dream and cut your losses?
It hit me when reading your post that the "dream" really gave up on me.
The slow deterioration of a marriage due to addiction is confusing and painful. Al-Anon worked wonders for me. Have you tried it?
Keep posting!
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Welcome Baum & Larry!
I always come to these threads to remember where I came from.
I too am an alcoholic wife.
while I was miserable being a drunk, it took both my husband and I for me to get a DUI/accident with my daughter in the car to wake us up to the full extent of my problem. Just the night before I had talked to my husband and told him I thought I had a problem and was an alcoholic. He did not want to believe it and said noooo, you don't drink every night, just slow down. Well, I can't, I am an alcoholic. So, the good news is that the night I bottomed out in a jail cell (for the first time in my life), I promised myself and God that if I was lucky enough to still have a husband and family that would take me when I got out the next day, I would do WHATEVER it took to get and stay sober. It has now been almost five months and I am happier than I have been in a decade. My relationship with my husband and kids is better than it has ever been. And I am starting to forgive myself so that I can grow and be happy in recovery.
But I have to participate in my recovery every day. And I do. This is a life long disease and therefore a lifelong recovery
I wanted to welcome you both and let you know that we are all here to support you and we understand and have been there.
I always come to these threads to remember where I came from.
I too am an alcoholic wife.
while I was miserable being a drunk, it took both my husband and I for me to get a DUI/accident with my daughter in the car to wake us up to the full extent of my problem. Just the night before I had talked to my husband and told him I thought I had a problem and was an alcoholic. He did not want to believe it and said noooo, you don't drink every night, just slow down. Well, I can't, I am an alcoholic. So, the good news is that the night I bottomed out in a jail cell (for the first time in my life), I promised myself and God that if I was lucky enough to still have a husband and family that would take me when I got out the next day, I would do WHATEVER it took to get and stay sober. It has now been almost five months and I am happier than I have been in a decade. My relationship with my husband and kids is better than it has ever been. And I am starting to forgive myself so that I can grow and be happy in recovery.
But I have to participate in my recovery every day. And I do. This is a life long disease and therefore a lifelong recovery
I wanted to welcome you both and let you know that we are all here to support you and we understand and have been there.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florence, Kentucky
Posts: 116
That story sounds famliar, but I never lasted that long. I actually left my wife for the alcoholic, I wasn't happy in my marriage for other reasons. I though my now XAGF was just depressed, I know different now. She is out of my house, and hopefully soon out of my life. I don't think anybody wishes ill will toward the A's. It is up to them to quit, and we can't say anything to make them stop.
I didn't like AL-Anon either, I went a few times. I didn't like the format, it seemed to take to long for stories to surface. A lot of dead time waiting on some one to speak. I like this forum and will continue to use it.
I didn't like AL-Anon either, I went a few times. I didn't like the format, it seemed to take to long for stories to surface. A lot of dead time waiting on some one to speak. I like this forum and will continue to use it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I love recovery meetings, but I don't love all of them. I went to a bunch of meetings before I settled on some that I really like that have a good mix of people and a format I enjoy. I have 3 regular ones a week. If you are not going to alanon, did you try enough different meetings to find one you like? The meetings differ a lot.
Anyway, sorry to hear about your relationship. I can tell you what I did in a similar sitation:
I had a alcoholic b/f six months ago. I was using at the time (pain pills). I got clean and felt so much better. He said he wanted to get sober, so I gave him help by paying for him to see my addictionologist. I offered to take him to meetings, and told him what had worked for me.
He had the chance to see how much better I felt/acted, but I guess it wasn't what he wanted. I gave it a couple months to see if he would turn it around but he stopped going to the doctor appointments, didn't take his medicine (campral) to help with cravings, and got back to drinking a case a day. He flat out refused to go to NA or AA. At my 60-day anniversary of clean, I did myself a favor and broke it off with him.
It was a good move, and now I'm doing great in my sobriety. I'm lonely at times, after all it was a 3 year relationship, and for me, that was one of the longest I'd ever been in even though I am in my 40's. It's better to be alone than go through that hellish way of life, I think. I hope you find your way.
KJ
Anyway, sorry to hear about your relationship. I can tell you what I did in a similar sitation:
I had a alcoholic b/f six months ago. I was using at the time (pain pills). I got clean and felt so much better. He said he wanted to get sober, so I gave him help by paying for him to see my addictionologist. I offered to take him to meetings, and told him what had worked for me.
He had the chance to see how much better I felt/acted, but I guess it wasn't what he wanted. I gave it a couple months to see if he would turn it around but he stopped going to the doctor appointments, didn't take his medicine (campral) to help with cravings, and got back to drinking a case a day. He flat out refused to go to NA or AA. At my 60-day anniversary of clean, I did myself a favor and broke it off with him.
It was a good move, and now I'm doing great in my sobriety. I'm lonely at times, after all it was a 3 year relationship, and for me, that was one of the longest I'd ever been in even though I am in my 40's. It's better to be alone than go through that hellish way of life, I think. I hope you find your way.
KJ
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Great Lake Country
Posts: 333
Baum,
I understand what you're going through. Although my AW is "functional", and apparently limits her excessive drinking to family life (as far as I know), the combination of the annoying behavior of an alcoholic, the lies, and in my case, rages, are pretty unbearable. So...., like most people in this situation, you adapt to what is going on. I'm really not good at this, but detachment is key. If you realize that what they say, what they do, and who they are is predicated on their disease, and it doesn't make any sense at all, then you understand your situation.
In my case, the AW doesn't want any type of help with her problem. She doesn't accept responsibility for her own actions (and half the time doesn't remember what she's done). So then (as everyone on the forum has noted), the ball is in your court. What do you want? What factors are keeping you there with her? do you have children? What is the financial impact of change? What is the mental and emotional impact of change? All of these things are issues only you can weigh and make decisions on.
From your post, I can see that you really love your wife, and I understand that, because I really love my wife too. It's the hardest thing in the world to deal with when your loved one becomes a thing rather than a person. Just don't let it eat you alive.
Redd
I understand what you're going through. Although my AW is "functional", and apparently limits her excessive drinking to family life (as far as I know), the combination of the annoying behavior of an alcoholic, the lies, and in my case, rages, are pretty unbearable. So...., like most people in this situation, you adapt to what is going on. I'm really not good at this, but detachment is key. If you realize that what they say, what they do, and who they are is predicated on their disease, and it doesn't make any sense at all, then you understand your situation.
In my case, the AW doesn't want any type of help with her problem. She doesn't accept responsibility for her own actions (and half the time doesn't remember what she's done). So then (as everyone on the forum has noted), the ball is in your court. What do you want? What factors are keeping you there with her? do you have children? What is the financial impact of change? What is the mental and emotional impact of change? All of these things are issues only you can weigh and make decisions on.
From your post, I can see that you really love your wife, and I understand that, because I really love my wife too. It's the hardest thing in the world to deal with when your loved one becomes a thing rather than a person. Just don't let it eat you alive.
Redd
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 7
I'm having a similar problem. I have to make this brief but I will go into more detail later on.
I am getting over an opiate addiction. I really think I've nailed it this time because I was offered opiates twice last week (I had plenty of money) and I turned them down both times. (I've been off opiates for about 8 months)
My girlfriend's alcoholism goes through peaks and valleys like a sine wave. Except sometimes it drops off to nothing. Now she's going through another period of incessant drinking. She lies. She makes it seem like she's cheating (as if she's trying to make me suspicious so she can get mad and call me a loser and a bad father when I say something to her). She has a bad temper even when she's not drinking. She says things to me when she's drunk that I wouldn't even say to my worst enemy. She is starting to lose her mind and her memory. She's getting dumber every day. I can barely hold any sort of intelligent conversation with her (even before she starts drinking like before noon). She'll do this thing where she will say something (usually something hurtful; an attack) and when I bring it up even a few minutes later she will act like she never even said it. She will also attribute words and phrases to me that I would never even think of saying. She even projects her actions onto me. For example, she say she has to run to her friend's house to take back her cell phone and she'll be gone for 6 hours and come back drunk. Then, when she gets back she'll say that I always leave, lie about where I'm going and abandon our daughter. (there are more examples, that's just one)
She is also really bad about tormenting me. It's as if she hates me so much when she drinks that her ultimate goal is to make me cry (it never works; but it almost does sometimes). She will literally stand with her face to my ear saying the most horrible things she can think of until she gets a response to me. If I try to walk away, she will attempt to provoke me. If I ignore her, she won't stop.
She tells me that most of her previous boyfriends abused her physically. I am very close to being a pacifist but even I have found myself wanting to strike her. So far I have restrained myself but she just makes me so angry I fear that it will just become a reflex. I've never hit a woman in my life. I've never thought about it until she started tormenting me. You guys don't have to worry about me doing it, I'm just telling you how she makes me feel and how far she is able to push me with her incessant name calling and belligerent, forked-tongue insults.
Sometimes, when she resorts to violence with me and I have to restrain her she will turn around and act like I am the one that is being rough with her. And she will have that "belief" in her mind even on later days. She will literally say, "well, you hit me while I'm holding the baby all the time". I often wonder if she truly believes what she's saying or if she's just saying it to hurt me.
Is the alcohol making her crazy? What can I do? She's already had one DUI that she skipped court on. Both of her brothers are opiate addicts and her father died because of his alcoholism. Her Mom/Grandma on Mom's side have never been addicted to anything.
If she stops drinking do you guys think she will ever regain her intelligence? I don't know if I can go through life having a mate that I can't talk to about complex ideas.
She also gets short with our daughter when she drinks. Sometimes I fear that she might get violent with her once she gets older. Christ, what is wrong with her? At least when I was addicted to opiates I wasn't insane, belligerent, violent, abusive or hostile. But, alas, she will still use that stereotypical pseudo-argument with me, "you're not one to talk, you were addicted to opiates". When I try to explain to her that it didn't change my personality as drastically as her drinking does she will just resort to tormenting.
I think her behavior towards me when she's drunk can be summed up in two words. Mental abuse. Her words are like a baseball bat. If someone keeps hitting you with it it's only a matter of time before you do something you'll regret.
I just hope every day that her drinking hasn't messed up her mind so much that she won't be able to go to college and get a decent job and be a good mother... I hope for that so much...
I am getting over an opiate addiction. I really think I've nailed it this time because I was offered opiates twice last week (I had plenty of money) and I turned them down both times. (I've been off opiates for about 8 months)
My girlfriend's alcoholism goes through peaks and valleys like a sine wave. Except sometimes it drops off to nothing. Now she's going through another period of incessant drinking. She lies. She makes it seem like she's cheating (as if she's trying to make me suspicious so she can get mad and call me a loser and a bad father when I say something to her). She has a bad temper even when she's not drinking. She says things to me when she's drunk that I wouldn't even say to my worst enemy. She is starting to lose her mind and her memory. She's getting dumber every day. I can barely hold any sort of intelligent conversation with her (even before she starts drinking like before noon). She'll do this thing where she will say something (usually something hurtful; an attack) and when I bring it up even a few minutes later she will act like she never even said it. She will also attribute words and phrases to me that I would never even think of saying. She even projects her actions onto me. For example, she say she has to run to her friend's house to take back her cell phone and she'll be gone for 6 hours and come back drunk. Then, when she gets back she'll say that I always leave, lie about where I'm going and abandon our daughter. (there are more examples, that's just one)
She is also really bad about tormenting me. It's as if she hates me so much when she drinks that her ultimate goal is to make me cry (it never works; but it almost does sometimes). She will literally stand with her face to my ear saying the most horrible things she can think of until she gets a response to me. If I try to walk away, she will attempt to provoke me. If I ignore her, she won't stop.
She tells me that most of her previous boyfriends abused her physically. I am very close to being a pacifist but even I have found myself wanting to strike her. So far I have restrained myself but she just makes me so angry I fear that it will just become a reflex. I've never hit a woman in my life. I've never thought about it until she started tormenting me. You guys don't have to worry about me doing it, I'm just telling you how she makes me feel and how far she is able to push me with her incessant name calling and belligerent, forked-tongue insults.
Sometimes, when she resorts to violence with me and I have to restrain her she will turn around and act like I am the one that is being rough with her. And she will have that "belief" in her mind even on later days. She will literally say, "well, you hit me while I'm holding the baby all the time". I often wonder if she truly believes what she's saying or if she's just saying it to hurt me.
Is the alcohol making her crazy? What can I do? She's already had one DUI that she skipped court on. Both of her brothers are opiate addicts and her father died because of his alcoholism. Her Mom/Grandma on Mom's side have never been addicted to anything.
If she stops drinking do you guys think she will ever regain her intelligence? I don't know if I can go through life having a mate that I can't talk to about complex ideas.
She also gets short with our daughter when she drinks. Sometimes I fear that she might get violent with her once she gets older. Christ, what is wrong with her? At least when I was addicted to opiates I wasn't insane, belligerent, violent, abusive or hostile. But, alas, she will still use that stereotypical pseudo-argument with me, "you're not one to talk, you were addicted to opiates". When I try to explain to her that it didn't change my personality as drastically as her drinking does she will just resort to tormenting.
I think her behavior towards me when she's drunk can be summed up in two words. Mental abuse. Her words are like a baseball bat. If someone keeps hitting you with it it's only a matter of time before you do something you'll regret.
I just hope every day that her drinking hasn't messed up her mind so much that she won't be able to go to college and get a decent job and be a good mother... I hope for that so much...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
@ uterman
Personally I think, as in it's just my opinion, and my experience that alcohol just brings out / makes worse what's already there.
Other people here have had a different experience, but that's mine based on two alcoholic parents, 16 years of sobriety (with 2 relapses in there), relationships with practicing and "sober" alcoholics, ("sober" alcoholics being someone with long term sobriety and who has completed the twelve steps, not someone "dry at the moment, just for clarification)
Like in AA we say if we take alcohol away from a horse thief, we have a sober thief, that's one reason we have "the steps" is to remove the underlying symptoms, we say "alcohol is but a symptom" of an underlying problem, yes, alcohol becomes the problem, it becomes what we and those around us "point the finger at" but generally speaking, alcohol is "our solution" to "why we feel the way we do" and ultimately it becomes "the problem", and after we quit drinking the real work begins, and it takes years sometimes (always for some things) to "cure" or "heal" the real "problems" or "underlying reasons" why we drank.
See if you find these links helpful, I literally thought I was going insane until I read them:
Physical & Emotional Abuse Forum: Worth Reading and re-posting... - DailyStrength
and
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...bal-abuse.html
When I was in a similar situation, her "quitting drinking" didn't turn out to be the "magical silver bullet" we both hoped it would be. If your SO does "get sober" you have a long row to hoe in front of you, to put it mildly, with both of you needing tons of work, step work, therapy, couples counciling etc etc ad nauseum
Personally I think, as in it's just my opinion, and my experience that alcohol just brings out / makes worse what's already there.
Other people here have had a different experience, but that's mine based on two alcoholic parents, 16 years of sobriety (with 2 relapses in there), relationships with practicing and "sober" alcoholics, ("sober" alcoholics being someone with long term sobriety and who has completed the twelve steps, not someone "dry at the moment, just for clarification)
Like in AA we say if we take alcohol away from a horse thief, we have a sober thief, that's one reason we have "the steps" is to remove the underlying symptoms, we say "alcohol is but a symptom" of an underlying problem, yes, alcohol becomes the problem, it becomes what we and those around us "point the finger at" but generally speaking, alcohol is "our solution" to "why we feel the way we do" and ultimately it becomes "the problem", and after we quit drinking the real work begins, and it takes years sometimes (always for some things) to "cure" or "heal" the real "problems" or "underlying reasons" why we drank.
See if you find these links helpful, I literally thought I was going insane until I read them:
Physical & Emotional Abuse Forum: Worth Reading and re-posting... - DailyStrength
and
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...bal-abuse.html
When I was in a similar situation, her "quitting drinking" didn't turn out to be the "magical silver bullet" we both hoped it would be. If your SO does "get sober" you have a long row to hoe in front of you, to put it mildly, with both of you needing tons of work, step work, therapy, couples counciling etc etc ad nauseum
Last edited by Ago; 10-31-2008 at 10:05 PM.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Wow Uterman.
Now I have to ask, what are YOU getting out of this relationship? Your daughter needs to be away from that. She will grow up believing this kind of behavior is okay.
Please be safe. I know you will find a lot of wisdom from the folks here that have been where you are.
Welcome and please keep posting!
Now I have to ask, what are YOU getting out of this relationship? Your daughter needs to be away from that. She will grow up believing this kind of behavior is okay.
Please be safe. I know you will find a lot of wisdom from the folks here that have been where you are.
Welcome and please keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Unstable State
Posts: 95
Ala-non didn't work for me either, a bunch of women complaining about men when we are in the same room. It happens on these threads also. How can women not be sensitive to the feelings of the opposite sex.
Anyway, I am divorcing my wife December 18th will be it. She finally did quit drinking but is really hard to live with, now she knows everything but cannot hold a job. I cannot wait!
Anyway, I am divorcing my wife December 18th will be it. She finally did quit drinking but is really hard to live with, now she knows everything but cannot hold a job. I cannot wait!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
heya rkymtncowboy-- How can women not be sensitive to the feelings of the opposite sex.
Whaaaaa?
Rather a blanket assessment of "women" dontcha think?! I don't see too much man bashing on here- but in sheer numbers there do seem to be more women looking for help on these boards - and I guess when you live with an alcoholic there is lots to complain about!! But I would say it is all pretty "Alcoholic-partner" specific and never directed at "men" in general...
Like when you said this:
She finally did quit drinking but is really hard to live with, now she knows everything but cannot hold a job.
I recognize that as just about your AW, I would never misconstrue that as a statement about "women."
I went to some sucky AlAnon meetings at first too, but I kept trying different ones until I found a couple with a good vibe that worked for me-- I know it is harder if you live in a rural area with less choice, but if there's more than one around try different meetings--you never know!
Peace-
B.
Whaaaaa?
Rather a blanket assessment of "women" dontcha think?! I don't see too much man bashing on here- but in sheer numbers there do seem to be more women looking for help on these boards - and I guess when you live with an alcoholic there is lots to complain about!! But I would say it is all pretty "Alcoholic-partner" specific and never directed at "men" in general...
Like when you said this:
She finally did quit drinking but is really hard to live with, now she knows everything but cannot hold a job.
I recognize that as just about your AW, I would never misconstrue that as a statement about "women."
I went to some sucky AlAnon meetings at first too, but I kept trying different ones until I found a couple with a good vibe that worked for me-- I know it is harder if you live in a rural area with less choice, but if there's more than one around try different meetings--you never know!
Peace-
B.
Trying to find a path
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Northern Indiana
Posts: 91
How can women not be sensitive to the feelings of the opposite sex.
We have these because of stereotypes.
The first Al-Anon meeting that I went to was only women. I tried a different meeting and found one where it was almost half and half.
To say Al-Anon doesn't work because you didn't connect with the others in the group is like saying the interstate system doesn't work because your car is broken.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Sounds ALL TOO FAMILIAR
Originally Posted by baumnutde
This email is primarily for those men whose wife or girlfriend has a substance abuse problem. My wife is drinking everyday now and it's really impacting our relationship. I've been clean and sober for 15 years now and thought I try to deal with the situation, it's getting to the point in my life where I just want to separate from her and go on with my life. I still do care for her, but he constant drinking every night. The hiding of vodka bottles throughout the house is maddening. I've attempted on too many occassions to remind her what life was like when I was drinking, but it just doesn't appear to do any good. I'm in constant fear of failure, to say anything to her because it ususally leads to an argument. At present, from her last weekend binge, I finally moved out of the bedroom into the other one. Instead of her sensing that we might have problem, all she has been doing is drinking herself into a stuper. Don't anyone have a good advice they can provide. I've been to ALA-NON and that just didn't seem to work for me. I still take life "one day at a time", but this is just getting unbearable.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
While the stories are a little different in terms of how much they drink, whether they are abusive when they drink etc., the bottom line is that the disease damages the relationship between spouses and children. We all have to decide at what point we are willing to support and help versus protect ourselves and our children.
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