jimj1s

Hi, I just found this group, and am so glad

I've been in AA for 26 years and thought I knew everything about recovery

I've been married 21 years and have a teenage daughter, so my wife and daughter haev only known me sober, and I share my AA life and friends with them both.

Over the last 6 years my wife has become alcoholic, and suffers from fierce denial. 'Explaining' things as a recovering alcoholic never worked. Finally after several incidents, each worse than the last, and a 5-day stint in jail with a 1-year driving restriction she started going to AA. After a year and with her drivers license back she is also back to daily drinking. It is very hard.

My sponsor finally told me not to be too proud to go to alanon. What a Godsend. It is a completely different program. It tells me how to address MY issues, and how to cope with her. My daughter goes to alateen and says now that she couldn't do without it.

Each day is really hard. My wife is in such denial that she can be completely plastered and look us in the eye and say "I have NOT been drinking!" She is back to driving under the influence. She completely sneaks her drinks, and thinks we don't know. Each day she is either working, or home drunk or passed out. My daughter will no longer talk to her beyond the minimum necessary logistics.

I know relationships heal, but this one is being torn apart further each day. I will keep going to alanon, and praying for a positive outcome. I just wish God would work on MY time, not his

I wish everyone the best with your own situations. I never would have thought I'd find myself in this boat, but it goes to show alcohol respects no one.

Bernadette

it goes to show alcohol respects no one.

It is an equal opportunity destroyer.

So glad you found SR and AlAnon. And that your daughter sounds so self-posessed in her handling of mom's alcoholism. It is probably due to the fact that you have always been open and honest about your recovery...I always wish, even though it couldn't change the FACT that my father was an alcoholic, if we had been able to call it what it was when I was a kid - WOW - what a different less dark and painful childhood I would have had....

Still it is so painful and hard. Keep taking care of you & DD! And stick around - lots of double winners on here sharing their ES&H.
Peace-
B

jehnifer

Uterman - I mean no offense but read your own statement... "Sometimes, when she resorts to violence..." Ummm NO! What would you advise a close friend if they were to describe to you this scenario? Sometimes we are just too close to see the great insanity and do something about it for ourselves. Please dont stay in this situation.

baum - Keep coming here to share...it will get better!

Bornwet

uterman -

i was going to post my situation - but why bother... mine is already posted here a million times... however uterman yours comes the closet - almost spot on with mine... really... thank you for typing mine in

amazing how we all think we have different situations - at first i thought mine was so unique... we all ask the same question... OMG! we all get the same answers -it's all text book stuff

but i can offer one little piece of info... i am 6'1" 215lbs, my xagf is 5'4" 110lbs - once she got really violent - throwing stuff around going crazy! i called the police immediately - i figured that if it got anymore out of hand and she hurt herself and then she called the police blaming me i don't think i'd have a chance and i wasn't going down that road... they took her away and she spent a night in jail...

i figured i had enabled her enough...

protect yourself!!

d

ps - my first post, i have gotten so much from everyone here - i hope i can give back even just a little...

steve11694

congratulations on having beaten the beast(alcoholism)
so sorry the person you love succumbed to it.

i hope she she an find sobriety

drained22

FormerDoormat is right, you can not argue with a drunk. yet having a wife as a alcoholic and a former love interest are too different things. I'm not going to say a friend because she was never one or doesn't know how to be a friend.

steve11694

Wow, that is a truly profound statement and it hits home, not only "hitting the nail on the head" but lodging it deep into the substrate.

ncraft150

All your stories sound way to familiar. Mine has a little twist. My wife is an alcoholic. Her daughters (my step daughter) dad is an alcoholic that has never spent more than 5 days a year with her in 13 years. My step daughter is headed in the same direction. Shes always getting caught stealing, drinking, smoking, skipping school, and boy does she disrespect adults. This past year was a major turn around for her as she won most improved in school with a 1.9 grade point average increase and in general was better but still had her problems. I am the only one that put any time in this girl in the past 4 years. Not mom or dad. Her mom was drunk the other and they are fighting. Step daughter is stronger and more aggressive than wife and both are always in the wrong. Step daughter calls police and tells them domestic violence. So now I have to deal with bailing my wife out($524) and dealing with court. Step daughter goes to her alcoholic dads and he is now fighting for custody. She is allowed to smoke and do what ever she wants there. He is blowing smoke up her butt with promises just so he dosent have to pay child support. He has step daughter dead set on testifying and trying to fry my wife. Now my wife absolutly deserves what she gets as the way she treats us just gets worse almost identical to the stories Ive read here, but numerous times Ive watched my wife defend herself from my step daughters aggression. So now I am losing a step daughter who is worse than ever and wont even talk to me and my wife may be seeing jail time which will most definatley result in losing my house. Why is it that these two woman absolutly suck and I have to suffer. My wife was my best friend for 6 years before we started dating. I want my best friend back, but these past few days have got me thinking for the first time in my life I need to put me first. My wife has nobody. All family is passed away. Her friends have the same troubles she does. She is abusive but so is the step daughter. As far as Im concerned the step daught should have went to jail that night to but now she is sitting on a throne until dady gets what he wants and shes to stupid to see it. She for the time being has the only thing shes ever wanted. Her real dad. I think Ive decided to let the step daughter go and focus on my wife. No way I can deal with both their problems. To top it off I found out my wife had a domestic vilence charge years ago against a former boyfriend. Judge said she was lucky officers charged her wrong and it should have been a felony becasue of second offense. Right now she has 2 1st degree misdimenors. The second was my fault because step daughter told cop my wife put her hands on me. I said yes but she was upset and i was just in the middle of separating them and it wasnt intentional and i wasnt filing charges. They said to bad we are filing charges anyway. She spent 2 days sober after this and I thought ok we are on the right track. Boy was I wrong. She has hit rock bottom. Worse than I ever seen her and she blames me for all of it. I actually had to sleep in my truck last night she was so bad. I really had every right to call cops last night or any given night. I talked to prosecuter and judge on the day of araignment and they are more concerned with making an example of her than getting her help. Ive decided to stick by her until this legal crap is complete, but Im DONE!! It wont do me any good, but im gonna demand from prosecuter and judge that wife atleast get work privledges and major alchohol treatment. I am going to ask for manditory counsiling and some sort of anger management for step daughter also. I call prosecuter every day and she hasnt once returned a call. Pretty sad considering the are calling me a victim. Oh well i got it all out now so I will just go back to reading everyone elses post.

Bernadette

but these past few days have got me thinking for the first time in my life I need to put me first.

with this kind of thinking as your guide things WILL get better for you!

sorry to hear about your situation- but glad you found SR. The best thing I learned in relation to my A loved ones was to let them fall - let all the consequences of their choices and their addiction fall on their own heads. I can still love them, yes, but I do not ever want to enable their addiction ever again.

good luck ncraft - keep seeking and accepting help - the only person you can save tin this situation is you!
peace-
b

smacked

Just a tiny chime in ..

I was the drinker in my marriage.. the drunk, the whatever.

My husband was very unhappy with my drinking for a very long time. Eventually told me if I didn't get it together he'd leave. He never took any action, I kept on drinking. Finally after the last bender, almost a year ago, he packed up and moved out. Created my rock bottom for me. I'm not saying it works.. not even close. For me it did. I had been "getting away" with my **** for long enough, I was so close to being done, finally I had a reason to be. At the point that he left, it had nothing to do with me anymore, he was taking care of himself finally, as well he should have. He was not leaving me so I would get sober, he was leaving me because he couldn't live with me and my lifestyle anymore. Luckily (thank God) for me.. it was a wake up call, i got sober, we got back better than ever.. with lots and lots of work, counseling, and a super solid sobriety committment.

I haven't had a drop since, I work every day on my recovery and my marriage (as anyone should). In the midst of the alcohol stupors, no, I was not aware of or sensitive to any of his needs. I couldn't be, I was always either drunk or detoxing. I didn't care about myself (obviously) and in active addiction was completely incapable of caring for anyone else.

Just another 'story' from the other side

TrainWreckAgain

It saddens me to hear the same story played out over and over again. Elements of my story are told in all of the posts in this thread.

I have come to believe 3 things that I wanted to share.

1. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who is in active addiction. Because of their addiction, they can't and don't think about anyone but themselves and how/where they are going to be able to use/drink next. Like another poster, my AGF drove with her kids in a car with drunk. Thank God she didn't crash or hurt anyone, but the sheer insanity of that decision (she needed to go the store to buy more wine) shows how broken her thinking was. How can you have a healthy relationship with someone who is functionally insane? You can't. It was my own sickness (co-dependency) that allowed me to put up with it.

2. Our children are smarter and know more than we realize or give them credit for. When I was in the process of kicking my AGF out of the house, she went to her kids and told them to pack some suitcases. Both of her kids refused. They literally turned their backs to her to walked over to me. At ages 11 and 14, they had it figured out.

3. No matter how much we want to reason with / convince alcoholic or addict of the error of their ways, we just can't. It is like talking to a brick wall. Like I said in the previous post, people in active addiction are functionally insane. They are out of touch with reality. Try to reason with someone who is insane, can't work. If you could, they wouldn't be insane. But they are... so you can't.

Everyone in a relationship with an alcoholic or an addict has a point at which they will say "enough." It is different for each of us. It is a personal decision. I reached mine and told her to leave. In my own way, I found my bottom.

I offer my thoughts an prayers to all the families that are affected by the disease, both the addicts and those who love them.

freshi

My wife is an "unofficail" alcoholic. She has been sneaking vodka almost daily for nearly the past year. I've tried to be supportive but never dealt with anything like this before. I have been lied to, manipulated, and feel cheated on with the alcohol. After some "homespun" attempts at recovery, my wife has now gone to stay with her parents (who are also pastors) instead of a clinical 30 day program. I have had to hide all money, debit and credit cards, loose change, and even my car keys. I couldn't take it any more. I love my wife and want more than anything to see her get better, and we both need some recovery right now -- her from the alcohol, and me from the stress of constantly trying to babysit her...

LexieCat

Freshi,

This is a VERY old thread (from 2009).

Why don't you start a new thread and introduce yourself?

Welcome--glad you are here. You'll find a lot of support.

Shellcrusher

I was going to say...Lot's of new faces here.

Welcome, Freshi. There's a few of us men in here. Go ahead and keep reading and if you haven't done so already, start your own thread.

Side note: Sneaking vodka = official

istillloveher

My girlfreind of 8 years dumped me, i was always away for business and she sat home drank and hated me, i dont know what to do

SoaringSpirits

[QUOTE=Larry863;1929901 I too remember when she was fun and we had common interests and goals, but at what point does a person give up on that dream and cut your losses? [/QUOTE]

I asked myself that same question a year ago about my AH.
The dream had slowly twisted itself into a living nightmare.
When I really allowed myself to see that dream as a fantasy I had clung to, I was able to begin the process of letting go.

I wish you well.

MTA: Oops, did not see what an old thread this is!

12drummers

Hi, My wife has been drinking heavily for 6 years now. And both myself and my 14 year old daughter have had enough. I still love my wife (even if I'm not IN love with her), but she just does not accept that she has a problem, and continues to drink, even after she collasped in the street in January, and ended up in A and E overnight.
I can cope with the drinking, I can cope with the lies and I can cope with being on my own most evening whilst she's in bed, commatose, but what I can't cope with, is when she's drunk and awake and wants to be....intimate! The truth is, I don't want to, there is nothing can turn me off quicker than her being drunk, which incidentally is every night. Our marriage is on the rocks, I worry about my daughter, if I leave, I would want to scoop her up and take her with me...but I'm guessing that's not legal. Help!!! what do I do

Pelican

Hi 12 Drummers,

Welcome to the SR family!

This is an older post that hasn't been active for some time. You may get more input if you begin a new post and introduce yourself to the rest of the family.

I was married for 14 years to my alcoholic loved one. I can relate to the feeling of disgust at the idea of intimacy with someone who reeks of booze. I can also understand wanting to take the kids and run.

Some things that helped me find my way:

Attending Alanon meetings for face to face support in my community in addition to posting here.
Getting a free consultation from a lawyer in my community to understand what my legal rights were in my area.

Keep reading and posting, we are here to support you.

Alanonic

Whatever works for to get Serentiy keep doing it. Sometimes its tuff to go to meetings that fit our schedule. They say keep coming back. But, sometimes I'm not into it either. I do read the Alanon books and other books.