boundaries for adult children
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Cottage Grove MN
Posts: 3
boundaries for adult children
Hi- I haven't posted in awhile - the last time when my 19 yr.old daughter was in jail for 5 days-drug possession charge. She is an alcohol abuser and occasional drug user - borderline personality disorder as well and won't take meds. She's had several visits to jail and probations - all due to alcohol or drugs. This last week she spent 2 days in detox. To make a long story short - she has no job - didn't finish high school and is short 2 credits- homeless. In the past, we have had to make her move out due to all the many items I've already mentioned. However, she is asking to come back home and I really need advice as to what boundaries need to be set. We have done this before but she has made up a list of rules to live by and is very determined to abide by them. My main question is to the use of alcohol when she isn't at home. Is it realistic to say she cannot drink or use drugs when away from home? She already knows she cannot come home if she is intoxicated or high and has to sleep elsewhere. Her response to this is that she enjoys drinking and she knows she will continue to drink casually. I would appreciate any help from you who have been there. Some of our requirements are that she must finish school, get a job within 2 weeks, go to AA and church weekly. Thanks for any advice from you who have been there and know what works.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Joy,
I seem to be in ranting mode this evening so please allow me to continue. It is absolutley ok for you to say no drinking while she lives with you. None! Drinking, after all has caused many of her problems. I just had my own son at home for 3 months following rehab...and I don't altogether regret doing it but it set me up for the heartache involved in having to ask him to leave again.
When he moved in I told him up front that I am happy to help this time but if you lie or use drugs or alcohol my demeanor will change. He knew that going in. And when my demeanor did change because of his use he was shocked...
I have been in recovery for nearly 10 years and it took every tool in my toolbelt, plus borrowing from my friends here to get through it. Our children are a crafty bunch and the will use whatever it take to get their way.
Now since it seems as tho you have decided to do this I would make the requirements clear but I would resist becoming the daughter police. She knows what is expected and is up to her to meet those requirements. Also I would accept NO disrespect. I have been told and I put into practice walking away from disrespect. "We will talk later when you are in a better mood" is what I said to my son. The final blow for me was not calling and staying out all night. You seem to think she can drink away from home...I don't agree, but that is your call...if she is staying out she needs to call. Again respect. And she needs to help at home...clean and do her own laundry etc.
The bottom line is that it is your home and you are doing her a favor...if she starts to forget that I would not hesitate to remind her.
Hugs,
JT
I JUST came out of that situation...my son has been gone for a couple weeks...it is all still so fresh. I apologize if I frightened you with my enthusiasum.
I seem to be in ranting mode this evening so please allow me to continue. It is absolutley ok for you to say no drinking while she lives with you. None! Drinking, after all has caused many of her problems. I just had my own son at home for 3 months following rehab...and I don't altogether regret doing it but it set me up for the heartache involved in having to ask him to leave again.
When he moved in I told him up front that I am happy to help this time but if you lie or use drugs or alcohol my demeanor will change. He knew that going in. And when my demeanor did change because of his use he was shocked...
I have been in recovery for nearly 10 years and it took every tool in my toolbelt, plus borrowing from my friends here to get through it. Our children are a crafty bunch and the will use whatever it take to get their way.
Now since it seems as tho you have decided to do this I would make the requirements clear but I would resist becoming the daughter police. She knows what is expected and is up to her to meet those requirements. Also I would accept NO disrespect. I have been told and I put into practice walking away from disrespect. "We will talk later when you are in a better mood" is what I said to my son. The final blow for me was not calling and staying out all night. You seem to think she can drink away from home...I don't agree, but that is your call...if she is staying out she needs to call. Again respect. And she needs to help at home...clean and do her own laundry etc.
The bottom line is that it is your home and you are doing her a favor...if she starts to forget that I would not hesitate to remind her.
Hugs,
JT
I JUST came out of that situation...my son has been gone for a couple weeks...it is all still so fresh. I apologize if I frightened you with my enthusiasum.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I just want to ditto what JT said. My son has returned home several times and each time stomped all over my boundaries. So each time I had to ask him to leave. He is no longer allowed the option. My deal was, "respect my boundaries and live here" or know that I will love you just as much when I ask you to live somewhere else.
Do what you feel is right, make your boundaries clear, even putting them in writing if need be, and be prepared to follow through, otherwise they are meanlingless.
And one last thing, when my son lived at home, my boundary was no using of any kind anywhere. He also had a curfew that fit with my sleeping need. 11 p.m. weeeknights and midnight weekends.
My son is a grown man, but I insisted on the curfew for MY well-being and not as a measure to control him.
Good luck and I hope things work out nicely for you.
Do what you feel is right, make your boundaries clear, even putting them in writing if need be, and be prepared to follow through, otherwise they are meanlingless.
And one last thing, when my son lived at home, my boundary was no using of any kind anywhere. He also had a curfew that fit with my sleeping need. 11 p.m. weeeknights and midnight weekends.
My son is a grown man, but I insisted on the curfew for MY well-being and not as a measure to control him.
Good luck and I hope things work out nicely for you.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Joy,
First, let me say I don't have the wisdom of JT and Anns. I've only been aware of my 20 year old daughter's drug and drinking problem since Oct, and have been muddling through recovery since that time.
But one thing I have learned and truly believe is you cannot be an enabler. And please hear this in tone it is intended because I KNOW how you are feeling as a mom. I'm right there with you. We WANT so badly to draw lines but help at the same time. But I think a firm stand on just exactly what you will accept is needed. And there lies the rub. Just WHAT is it we will accept while they are living in our homes?
These kids are sooooooooo crafty, Joy. You know that and, boy, do I know it. I live with one. They will do anything to work the situation to their advantage. My daughter knows that if she is going to be using and NOT working a program, trying to stop, there is no way we're going to foot the bill for her, providing a nice home, car, $ (we pay for her college). As long as my daughter is working her program and attending meetings, I'll gladly provide her with the things she needs (and lots of times with the things she just wants. Hey, what can I say? I'm a soft touch sometimes...smiles). But if she were to come home today with the idea of "Why can't I drink if I don't make you look at me after I do it?", I'd say, "Sorry, but that doesn't cut it." In a way I see that as enabling. I think it all has to do with that thing we hate.....making our kids suffer the consequences for their actions. But Joy, if life is 'cushy' while she continues to use, why should she want to change? I KNOW we cannot do it for them. They have to want it for themselves. But at the same time, I don't think we are required to make their life 'comfortable' while they are choosing to do the very thing that will destroy them.
And Joy, I know these are easy words for me to type.....soooooooooo easy to type. It's the carrying out of them that is hard.
My heart and prayers are with you and your daughter. I know what you're going through.
Love,
Hangin' In
First, let me say I don't have the wisdom of JT and Anns. I've only been aware of my 20 year old daughter's drug and drinking problem since Oct, and have been muddling through recovery since that time.
But one thing I have learned and truly believe is you cannot be an enabler. And please hear this in tone it is intended because I KNOW how you are feeling as a mom. I'm right there with you. We WANT so badly to draw lines but help at the same time. But I think a firm stand on just exactly what you will accept is needed. And there lies the rub. Just WHAT is it we will accept while they are living in our homes?
These kids are sooooooooo crafty, Joy. You know that and, boy, do I know it. I live with one. They will do anything to work the situation to their advantage. My daughter knows that if she is going to be using and NOT working a program, trying to stop, there is no way we're going to foot the bill for her, providing a nice home, car, $ (we pay for her college). As long as my daughter is working her program and attending meetings, I'll gladly provide her with the things she needs (and lots of times with the things she just wants. Hey, what can I say? I'm a soft touch sometimes...smiles). But if she were to come home today with the idea of "Why can't I drink if I don't make you look at me after I do it?", I'd say, "Sorry, but that doesn't cut it." In a way I see that as enabling. I think it all has to do with that thing we hate.....making our kids suffer the consequences for their actions. But Joy, if life is 'cushy' while she continues to use, why should she want to change? I KNOW we cannot do it for them. They have to want it for themselves. But at the same time, I don't think we are required to make their life 'comfortable' while they are choosing to do the very thing that will destroy them.
And Joy, I know these are easy words for me to type.....soooooooooo easy to type. It's the carrying out of them that is hard.
My heart and prayers are with you and your daughter. I know what you're going through.
Love,
Hangin' In
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Illinois
Posts: 6
Hi joy
I am a mom to a 23 year old girl. She was great in grade school but high school no way. She did not complete high school.
She has had a lot of jobs, once she decided to go camping instead of working. I even drove her to work.
Needless to say, she met a very nice guy, going to school to be a chef and working in applebees.
It went on a long time, staying with him at his moms house, but I do not know what happened, maybe because she did not want to work.
Anyway, she didn't want to live at home and she got herself in trouble retail thief, and taking checks and cashing them.
Got in jail and now she is in a community crisis center. I am going to get her a bus card. She is going to go to the temporary agencies. Buying 1 pair of pants 1 top and shoes. Period.
you can email me - I really need some info and "talking" to someone who child is like this.
email: [email protected]
We live in Illinois
I am a mom to a 23 year old girl. She was great in grade school but high school no way. She did not complete high school.
She has had a lot of jobs, once she decided to go camping instead of working. I even drove her to work.
Needless to say, she met a very nice guy, going to school to be a chef and working in applebees.
It went on a long time, staying with him at his moms house, but I do not know what happened, maybe because she did not want to work.
Anyway, she didn't want to live at home and she got herself in trouble retail thief, and taking checks and cashing them.
Got in jail and now she is in a community crisis center. I am going to get her a bus card. She is going to go to the temporary agencies. Buying 1 pair of pants 1 top and shoes. Period.
you can email me - I really need some info and "talking" to someone who child is like this.
email: [email protected]
We live in Illinois
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Kathy,
You are doing the right thing by not doing too much. She is an adult making her own decisions and needs to accept resonsibilty for those decisions. You don't say if drugs or alcohol are involved.
Feel free to post here...we are a family and we take care of each other. Make yourself at home and let us know more about you.
Hugs,
JT
You are doing the right thing by not doing too much. She is an adult making her own decisions and needs to accept resonsibilty for those decisions. You don't say if drugs or alcohol are involved.
Feel free to post here...we are a family and we take care of each other. Make yourself at home and let us know more about you.
Hugs,
JT
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Illinois
Posts: 6
Just tired,
On my message last night I did not mention drugs or alcohol. I just thought I did.
Three weeks ago when we went to visit my daughter, a friend (recovering Alcoholic) who wants to see her well told us that my daughter (rather not say her name) stole 10 checks from him and cashed them at his bank-probably for some coke-well, what a blow to know that -we never had a clue only thought it was alcohol-I don't know if she is addicted to coke-but she is to alcohol.
Talk about being stressed and shocked-he thought we knew!
Even typing this I can not believe it-but I guess it is true-my daughter never tells us the truth about that stuff. We are going to see her tomorrow-I bought her 1 pair of pants, shoes, and a little new purse-hopefully so she can start on the right foot and look nice while (hopefully) looking for a job.
I really do need to talk to people, even typing this I am crying.
I am glad I found this site!
Kathy
On my message last night I did not mention drugs or alcohol. I just thought I did.
Three weeks ago when we went to visit my daughter, a friend (recovering Alcoholic) who wants to see her well told us that my daughter (rather not say her name) stole 10 checks from him and cashed them at his bank-probably for some coke-well, what a blow to know that -we never had a clue only thought it was alcohol-I don't know if she is addicted to coke-but she is to alcohol.
Talk about being stressed and shocked-he thought we knew!
Even typing this I can not believe it-but I guess it is true-my daughter never tells us the truth about that stuff. We are going to see her tomorrow-I bought her 1 pair of pants, shoes, and a little new purse-hopefully so she can start on the right foot and look nice while (hopefully) looking for a job.
I really do need to talk to people, even typing this I am crying.
I am glad I found this site!
Kathy
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Kathy,
I am glad you found us too. There are alot of mom's on these boards who can help guide you and share what they have been through.
Check your personal messages (PM's)...I am going to send you a note. In case you don't know go to the bottom of the main board and click on Private Messages.
Hugs,
JT
I am glad you found us too. There are alot of mom's on these boards who can help guide you and share what they have been through.
Check your personal messages (PM's)...I am going to send you a note. In case you don't know go to the bottom of the main board and click on Private Messages.
Hugs,
JT
Last edited by JT; 03-07-2003 at 02:48 PM.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Cottage Grove MN
Posts: 3
Thank you all for your helpful advice about my daughter. We originally had decided to give her the choice of going to inpatient treatment first before coming home to live. Now, we have decided to give her a chance at home one day at a time and as long as she lives within our very tight boundaries - including no drinking or drugs - she will be able to live here. We'll see what happens. She has several hurdles to cross right now including getting a job, going to AA and counseling. Every day seems to bring a new decision or crisis to face. It does help to have a place and people to confide in. Thanks!
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