sidney

Thanks for helping me . I no longer feel like my "Plan" is something real. Your explantion made complete sense to me , so I no longer feel guilty for the thoughts. Intrusive thoughts. Ive never heard the term before but once you explained it made sense.
Have been trying today to get ahold of Jareds therapist and pdoc as I need a new way to deal with his violence. I was dissapointed that I didnt get to talk to either one. I will be more aggressive tomorrow.
I have a friend whose husband recently died, and another one whose husband is dying. Why do these relationships bring back so much of my own pain. It makes me feel afraid to talk to anyone. I have been absoluty, emotionally out of control for the past week. I keep it mostly here. You lucky gal you. Your the one who gets to deal with me and once again I thank you and youre patience.

Sidney

Morning Glory

I am lucky Sidney. It's really good to talk to someone who understands what I'm talking about. We share a lot of common experiences.

Acceptance is always the key to all of our emotions, flashbacks, pain and sorrow, thoughts etc..... The more we fight all these things the bigger they seem to get. We have to know that experiencing them will not kill us. If your like me it's hard to find the time to grieve so you have to keep putting it off.

You have some deep grief over the loss of your husband. You havent' been able to get it up yet. It's hard to have to be responsible for everyone and be vulnerable at the same time. Don't put pressure on yourself. You'll deal with it when the time is right.

I'm so glad you're feeling a little better than last week.

Hugs,
MG

sidney

I attribute my gains to you and your help and listening and explaining PTSD to me. I'm just afraid I will backslide and have another week like last week. But on the other hand I have more knowledge to help myself. How I could I go through 30 weeks of therapy and not come this far. I think I couldnt accept anything, especilly Jareds sexual abuse. I liked my therapist and had a good relationship with her. I wonder if she was more dissapointed than me in the failure of the therapy. I was the one to stop it. I told her that I was waisting her time and there were other women who could gain from her help. I was stuck.

Blessings to you,
I cant guarantee I will be sane next week.
You have no idea what you have done for me, at least for now.
You are a strong, wise woman.
I still need to figure out how to deal with the death of my husband. He was my best friend and I could talk to him about anything

Love, Sidney

Morning Glory

I think the difference is that I understand because I've been through it. Maybe she just learned from a book. That is just not the same. You may have known that and didn't trust her because she didn't really understand.

Trust is the key issue. It wasn't your fault.

Hugs,
MG

sidney

MG,
Im afraid of everyday. I know my main problem is my grief. How come I could cry for a year straight and not feel any resolve? I think the thing with Jared pushed me over the edge. It was like, Ok Ive survived two abusive marriages, have a great husband and he drops dead on me and then adults I trusted let my little boy be raped repeatedly. Im working on my list. Your helping me every day. Your right , accepting something doesnt mean you agree or like it . I need to just accept these horrible things and not necesarily think they are ok, but to just learn to live with them.
I still have Mikes ashes, I dont know what to do with them. I put the baby's ashes with his. I really need to figure this out. I need to put them somewhere.

Again, thanks

Morning Glory

You don't need to do that today. You'll know when the time is right. You may regret it if you act before you're ready.

My kids sexual abuse from years ago put me over the top last year so I can just imagine how awful it is for you. This too will pass. Trust is really hard after this. You just think everyone walking could be a monster. You can't trust anyone for awhile or maybe never again.

It took me a year to work through it. You're doing great with all of this.

You are the one who is strong. Don't let your emotions fool you.

Hugs,
MG

sidney

What about the ashes, what am I supposed to do with them??
It haunts me that holding on to them is disrespectful. My husband and my baby. I want to put them somewhere permanent but he would have wanted them to be put in a river or spread on a windy day, but I cant let it go like that
Ideas, No pressure on you

Sidney

Morning Glory

I think you should wait until you are absolutley sure what to do in your mind. I don't want you to do it and then regret it. This is a time to protect yourself until you regain your strength from all the stress. Just don't cause yourself more stress. The ashes will wait until you're stronger.

If it bothers you having them and they cause you stress then think of someplace lovely to put them. Take your time and make sure it is somewhere that will bring you peace. Somewhere where you feel secure and protected. I'll be thinking too.

Hugs,
MG

sidney

Last time to bother you tonight. Ive thought about making my own memorial. I bought some mountain property with the life insurance money from Mikes death, probaly totally irresponsible but regardless, I did it because it was our dream to live in the mountains. It was our goal to do that. My problem is that I think he would want me to thow them into the wind but I cant . I want to go and visit him permanently. I want a place to show respect to him and the baby. I want a place to lay flowers.
This time I wont ask you for your opinion because that would be a burdon. Thats just what i want. I need to be able to do it.

Sidney

Morning Glory

Then do it. It sounds like you're clear on that choice. I think you should have a place to visit if you want to too.

Hugs,
MG

sidney

Thank you,
I just cant figure out why it hurts so much after all this time..I am going to do it. I am going to take my kids to my little forest and Ive already picked a place. I want to get a headstone or make one. I need to get it done. I told the kids we were going to do it about 5 Christmas's ago , since he died at Christmas.
Its going to happen this Christmas. It has to.
Thanks for, once again listening and supporting me.

Sidney

Morning Glory

You could plant a little Christmas tree and decorate it every year and watch it grow.

sidney

Monring Glory,
Just wanted to drop you a note to let you know I didnt feel trama today. We had a home visit from Jareds new therapist. His name is Jack and I like him. He has also offered short respite for me. I didnt know they could do that. He is also interested in helping Eric (my sixteen year old). Also the social worker at Jareds school has been quite active in trying to help. The general conclusion is that Jared needs to be back in the hospital. I dont want that. Its amazing that all the people I talk to and no one knows of respite or daycare available for Jared. Its been like this for years. Not to ramble.

Thanks for you and your support
Blessings.
Sidney

Morning Glory

Sidney,

That's good news. It sounds like Jared might need to be in the hospital for awhile. Maybe they can find the right medication adjustments that can help him. I'm glad you will have more support with the new therapist.

I think things are going to continue to get better for all of you. Just keep moving ahead and only think about getting through one day at a time. No trauma today is a good thing. Some days will be better than others. Pretty soon you'll have more good days than bad.

Hugs,
MG

sidney

Thank you for your note back.
I wanted to let you know that today was ok. Like a present from God. But I also realize things are going to get worse. Im not the pesimisit but I am realistic, and know as soon as Jared reaches puberty things will become even worse. His brother Eric is late in puberty and I pray for the same for Jared, but he is so big. All Im dong is trying to buy time. I know what to expect. I would be naive to think things will get better for Jared. Though I have been told that once he goes through puberty he might me more managable. Its exhausting, watching it get worse by the day. I doubt we will make it to Christmas without Jared in the hospital. Our goal is to get that far.
I am feeling stonger this week but I credit that to you and your support for me. I dont feel so alone in this daily battle.

Love and Blessings , and even Hugs
Sidney

Morning Glory

Not feeling alone makes all the difference in the world. You've helped me too. I was alone in some of my experiences and getting to talk about them with you has made me feel better.

Thanks,

MG

sidney

Im doing something wrong I cant get your reply.
Sidney

sidney

I think there is something wrong with my computer. Just got your reply (I think)
Sidney
PS, Just looked over our last thread. I am speachless about how much you have supported me.