TheRabbit

Hello all,

I have over 4 years of sobriety , after a decade of heavy opiate and alcohol abuse. I've worked very to hard get where I am today , however for the last year and a half I've been battling progressive and pervasive anxiety. Because of my addictions I am terrified of medicine, and haven't taken so much as a tylonel pm in all this time. I exercise 5 times a week , i went gluten free , i cut out all caffiene , take lots of suppliments , etc. I have tried everything within my power to correct this anxiety and panic with no avail. For the last few months I have sought the help of my primary care physician as the anxiety and panic have become increasingly difficult to manage; ie missing work , etc. We have tried several SSRI's , bi polar medications , etc. My body has reacted negatively to all of these , and they have only exacerbated my symptoms.

Im scarred to death of taking benzos for the panic , even for short term, however its the only medication left. I know it will work , I just cant come to terms with taking it. I haven't slept much in the last three days, and I know if i just take this medicine my doctor prescribed I will get relief and feel better. But I just feel like ill be throwing almost 5 years of hard work in the toilet.

I'm not sure what the right decision is here. I want to just refute all of these medicines because a sober life is the only life for me , but what good is living if the quality of life is so horrible.

If i take this medicine I feel like i have failed.

Joe Nerv

It took a lot for me to throw in the towel regarding medication, but I too, found myself at the spot you're in. Had a go at about 4 different medications, and utimately decided that wasn't the route I was comfortable with. Meds helped me in some ways, but there was a tradeoff, and ultimately I was happier learning to deal with depression, panic, and anxiety holistically. It still visits from time to time, but nowhere near it's original intensity, and I treat it as others would treat a cold. I know it comes, I know it will go, and I deal with it when it's there. A few things I want to throw out there that might be of help.

First and foremost, processed sugar can be just about as evil as alcohol for someone with anxiety and panic. Most alcoholics don't process sugar well to begin with, and sugar highs and lows can cause really bad depression, anxiety, and full blown panic attacks. In early sobriety I almost drank because of sugar induced lows. It took a lot of experience and research to realize just how sugar affected me. If you haven't cut sugar out of your diet, you might want to give it a go and see how you feel after a week or two.

Also, certain supplements had an opposite effect on me (and I understand that's somewhat common). Especially valarian. It acts almost like caffiene for me if I take it. I get nervous, and can't sleep. You might want to try laying off some of them and see if anything changes.

A simple thing I also needed to do was start drinking a lot more water. Didn't realize it, but I was chronically dehydrated. That has a huge effect on our emotional well being, and every other area of our health. I got in the habit of drinking a full bottle of water upon waking every day, and it has made a big difference in how I feel.

There are a lot of other things that can be tried to take the edge off. I've found that once a little bit of panic and anxiety is chipped away, the rest starts to naturally heal on it's own. My panic attacks continued happening mostly out of a fear of them happening. When they lessened enough for me to be able to handle them a little better, I began to get less afraid of them, and that's when they started to totally disappear. I read a book on panic attacks once, and it said that it's really important that we get "ok" with them. Become unafraid of them. Know that they will not kill us, and we will not go crazy as it feels we might. They then start to lose their power. Book said to try also to get one other thought going in our minds when an attack occurs. Counting, thinking of something peacful, praying, whatever is necessary to just take a tiny little bit of the edge off. It helped a lot.

Last but not least, a belief in a power greater than myself helped immensely. I don't believe in god as it's traditionally defined, but I believe in something more powerful than myself, call it god for simplicity sake, and pray to that force. It didn't make the panic and anxiety magically disappear, but it always gave me the strength to walk through it to the other side, and over time, heal it.

Best of luck, I say give it everything you've got and if it still ain't happening then do as the doctors say. I trust them only as a very last resort when it comes to certain matters. I don't trust drugs, and I trust the people that manufacture and market them even less. Just me. Many disagree, but this is my mind, and I don't want anyone fiddling with it but me and my HP.

TheRabbit

Thanks Joe. I know what you mean about the supplements. I've tried all sorts of stuff , 5-htp , b3 compounds , amino acids , etc. None of it really did what was claimed , at least for me, in fact much of it made me feel worse. Really all i take now is magnesium , vitamin c , and vitamin d. I've got probably 200 hundred dollars of crap from the vitamin shoppe sitting on top of the fridge.

I also second your comment on water , i drink loads of it. It really helps , but the last few months have been really rough. I've tried prayer, I too believe in a higher power but I have always struggled with the nuances of this. My body and mind just feel so tired from fighting this for the last year and half , its like I have nothing else to give.

Its a vicious cycle , the anxiety causes me to lose sleep , and the lack of sleep causes more anxiety , and around around this nightmarish carousel i go. I have been starring at this bottle of benzos, and i just cant bring myself to take them , its just sickening.

Joe Nerv

Are you part of any program? Another thing that's been crucial to my recovery has been attendance at AA. After the first couple of years it wasn't so much about alcohol for me, as it was about staying peaceful, happy, and sane. I don't know what the magic is about, but when I'm going to meetings I'm happy, when I'm not (for any extended periods of time), I'm depressed. I believe it has a lot to do with them helping me to stop spinning my wheels as I do. People like ourselves tend to get incredibly self aborbed and going to meetings forces me out of myself. Helping others works wonders, as does just hearing from others and knowing I'm not as unique as I like to think I am.

I have a friend I got sober with 29 years ago who stopped going to meetings somewhere along the line. A couple of years ago he popped up again and he was an absolute anxious mess, and hitting a new bottom in sobriety. He returned to meetings and 2 years later you'd never know it was the same guy.

I presently only go to 1 or (sometimes 2) meetings a week, but for whatever reasons it keeps me connected, and helps propel me forward.

Again, I don't know if you are or aren't utilizing AA... but since you said you already have a belief in a higher power, I'm not sure why you wouldn't dive in. I believe the 12 steps to be a solution for alcoholism, drug addiction, and all the other things that caused me to be the miserable person I was. Having a belief in a HP is the biggest stumbling block for a lot of people with AA. If you're already past that, it seems a shame to not utilize the rest of what the program has to offer. Especially if you don't want to touch the pills.

I know I said it already, but with me doctors and pills are an absolute last alternative. If there's something else that might help, I'll do that first. If not, then I feel as you say, that I've failed. If I tried everything and I'm still in trouble, then I believe I fail only if I don't follow through all the way with a doctor recommends. That's what got me to give it a go at the time that I did. Taking a doctors prescription is not failing, IMO, unless we're unwilling to open our minds to other possibilities first. This isn't medical advice, I'm not an MD. It's simply the opinion and experience of an anonymous alcoholic dude on the internet. But I'm sure you realize that already.

Nighthawk8820

First of all, its not a fail if you take medication. Sometimes people have chemical imbalances that just cannot be resolved by using herbal remedies or the usual working out or laying off stimulants. Its not fair to yourself to go through life being in panic mode. Have you tried effexor or zoloft? Both worked for me. I used to have such bad panic attacks when hungover and after I quit drinking, I thought they would go away.............and they did for the most part, but I am still an anxious guy. I take zoloft now and I feel better. I will always have bouts of anxiety, but its nothing I cant handle or overcome now. I know how frustrated you must feel, especially after all the hard work you have put into recovery and feeling better. Its not fair at all!!!! Anxiety can be such a monster. I wish you all the best in solving this thing. God bless!

nandm

I too started having increased anxiety and panic after several years of sobriety. I too tried multiple natural remedies to no avail. Then I tried mental health professionals. It took more than a few years to finally find the right mental health team and for them to come up with a correct diagnosis. Over the years I have had doctors misdiagnose my condition as bipolar and even just basic depression which of course since they were treating a misdiagnosed condition my symptoms did not improve and often they worsened or new ones would pop up. Once they did finally diagnose the TBI and PTSD things have slowly started to improve but for me it will be a long road to recovery and I realize that.

A couple things that have helped manage the anxiety have been; instead of putting me on antidepressants or bipolar meds they have me on a blood pressure medication which recent studies with PTSD patients has shown to reduce the night terrors, nightmares, and general anxiety. This has been the case for me although the anxiety and nightmares are not completely gone they are much more manageable. I also see a talk therapist who specializes in PTSD treatment, this has been a Godsend. I just could not relate to other therapists as they were always throwing inner child stuff at me which I could not relate to and I was unable to open up to them because I felt they could not understand the trauma that I have seen and experienced. I also utilize yoga, meditation, breathing and visualization exercises which help to manage the anxiety as well. As a last resort I do have a prescription for a benzo called Klonopin that I utilize when nothing else works and there is no safe place to go to when the panic sets in. It does help to some degree but I hate taking it so only use it as a last resort. I also have concerns about addiction so I am extremely cautious about it even though drugs never interested me it was alcohol that consumed me.

One thing is to be sure to keep trying if you find you don't connect with your mental health professional or they are not open to listening to you then find another one. It took me nearly 6 years to find the mental health team I have now and honestly they have saved my life. But the key was I kept searching because something did not feel right about the diagnosis, the doctors, and the fact that I was not improving only worsening under their care that is why I kept trying to find another doctor that would partner with me in my care so we could find the core of my problem not just throw drugs at symptoms.

I don't know if any of my experience is something that may help but I shared it just in case.

TheRabbit

So I caved into my addiction and began taking the benzos. They helped at first , but within days i found myself drinking again. Within two weeks I was hooked on opiates. This train wreck continued until I could no longer function. I checked myself into a rehab and stayed for 13 days , at which point I left against medical advice. I immediately began my addiction cycle all over and thus hit another , deeper bottom.

I am currently on at home detox. Its been 3 days since I have had a drink or used dope. I would not consider myself clean as Ive been using prescribed meds to help with the withdrawals.

I want to taper off all the meds eventually and @nandm, I one day hope to be free from these meds.

Here is what I did wrong after almost 5 years of "clean time". I didn't have a support group, I isolated myself, essentially hiding from my addiction. I stayed home , I barely dated. I worked no steps or programs, I though I had it beat.

I will NEVER beat this, but I hope to learn to manage my life and enjoy it like I see so many others do.

Thank you to Joe , Night, and nandm , for your wisdom , hope , and strength.