Hope

I've accepted that I'm an alcoholic. I used to fight that thought but that kept me sick. I always knew that my drinking was never normal and then I tried many attempts at controlled drinking which only resulted in the progression of the monster. In the Big Book, it talked about the delusion of every abnormal drinking of being able to control their drinking and enjoy it. I found that once I started drinking, that was it... it was always more, more, more until I was drunk. If I tried to just have one drink, it wasn't enough. I always wanted one more and then one more after that. I just could never get enough. Then, I was totally obsessed with alcohol when I wasn't drinking.

It isn't any fun out there. Don't pick up a drink-- sober is definitely better all the way around!

highanddry

michaelj

Hope4life,
Acceptance of who we are and what we are is often an incredibly difficult step. It would be marvellous to be able to see ourselves as others do, to see both our unrealised good sides and our less than wholesome sides.
My struggle with alcohol was most definitely a case of not wanting (or maybe not being able) to see what was really happening to me and what I was becoming.
In the past I have described the moment I realised what I had become as a moment of clarity. It is just as likely that it was the moment of acceptance, the moment when I stopped dividing my drinking me away from the real me.
I suppose the real trick is to hang on to that acceptance and use the new-found knowledge to get away from the drinking you and become the "real" person you used to be before alcohol warped your view of the whole of life.
Thanks for bringing this issue up. I get great strength in sobriety from being able to revisit my original decosion to quit and to see it for the life-saving opportunity it was.
Michael

Music

Thanks for the post Hope. My story parallels yours a lot. I drank alcoholically right from the start. I used to sit and joke about being an alcoholic. It ain't no joke!! I also tried controlled drinking and hated it. Never felt fullfilled when I just drank one and quit. I fit exactly, the paragraph in the Big Book which talks about the "Real Alcoholic."

Some folks like Dr. Phil and some don't but he says one thing that makes so much sense to me. "You can't change what you don't acknowledge." I got some peace of mind when I admitted I was an alcoholic and also when I accepted that there had to be something out there somewhere more powerful than I am. I agree! Until I came to grips with those two points, I was to have little or no peace.

doorknob

I'm confused, Hope. I though you had been trying to stay sober for quite a while now. Anyway, alcohol has that effect on me too. Anything that can get me high in some way has that effect.

Doorknob

Autumn

This is an interesting topic to me.

I never had a problem admitting that I was/am an alcoholic. I knew in my "problem drinking" stage in my early 20s that it was a problem. I knew when I was functional. I knew I had become alcoholic, but exactly when is fuzzy. I do know when it was too late. My drinking "career" was choppy, but still progressive. Even in my problem drinking days though, I still blacked out and had difficulty moderating.

I don't understand denial.

earlybird

Yeah,...what alot of recovering alcoholics thinking of going back out dont realize is that trying to "control" it is just as big an obsession if not MORE than just plain all out drinking. Controlling it means, always planning your drinking out. "I'll only drink 4 drinks this Friday" ....Meanwhile its only Monday. "I'll only drink after 5pm". Meanwhile you are clock watching all day long WAITING til 5pm. Even if you can maintain some ridiculous schedule of "normal" drinking,......alcohol is STILL ruling your life. Its just that now,....the obsession of controling it is doing the ruling. Normal drinkers dont think about on Monday, how many drinks they will have on that Friday. They dont think about drink # 3 while drinking drink # 1.

Autumn

I concur. I suppose attempts to moderate were a form of denial for me. But I still knew I was an alcoholic who was only kidding herself.

Like I remember only buying a certain amount, and saying "This is it." Then when that was finished I wasn't surprised to find myself getting in the car intoxicated to go get more.

doorknob

I've never had a problem admitting that I couldn't control my drinking. But I can control my pot usage just fine.

earlybird

You're kidding, knob,...right?

1Marty

For me it wasn't hard either to recognize the alcoholic drinking patterns, exactly as hope described. I figured I was alcoholic. Problem was I didn't exactly know what that meant. I had no idea what a serious situation I was in. I used to think that me being an alcoholic meant I would probably have to slow down drinking sometime around 40 so that I wouldn't get liver problems. The progressiveness blinde me.

Cathy31

Hello Hope my dear,

You mention the big book...are you going to meetings and got a sponsor? How's that working?

You are soooo worth it!

Cathy31
x

doorknob

In a major way, Early!


(Pot has no negative effects, and I can quit anytime I want...)

Hope

When I originally tried to kick cocaine back in 2004, I ended up turning to alcohol. Of course, what really happened is that my addiction switched from one to the other. Then, I just knew I had to stop both of them but I have failed many attempts because I was incapable to being truly honest with myself and giving myself over to a simple program. I have been trying to stay sober for quite a while now and away from all mind-altering substances but I drank 5 days ago so I'm starting again. Tomorrow is day 6.

I was reading the Big Book and the part when it talking about those people who are incapable of being honest and I just had the feeling that I was always unable to admit to myself that I really needed the program. I've been in and out of AA, and I have struggled with the part of reaching out. I believe that AA is my solution and I want what others have, so I have to get over my fear of reaching out to other people. I have such a big fear of being rejected. I'm so scared of opening up to other people. That has been probably my biggest issue with totally giving myself to the program. But, I know that the only way that I can overcome those fears is to look them square in the face and own my fears.

I just have to do what needs to be done and face my fears even if it makes me uncomfortable. I can't run anymore.

I think by admitting my fears, I am taking steps of honesty and even admitting that I am scared, makes me scared. LOL. I'm working on it. I'm working on me.

Progress not perfection. I have to work on my thinking and change it or the end result is going to be really bad.

Next step is taking action..that is key. Putting the plan into action and I'm praying to God to give me the strength, courage, and willingness to be willing to stay the course.

Autumn

(((Cheryl))) I wish you the best, whatever direction you choose. This was a fantastic post.

lulu70

(((((((Cheryl)))))))) I love ya, darlin'.

Doodlebug

I had a HUGE problem admitting I was an alcoholic. It took me ages to acknowledge my drinking was NOT normal. Normal drinkers do not drink every night til they pass out, nor do they start salivating for a drink as soon as they leave work and start driving home. Nor do they panic if there isn't enough booze in the house to do the trick for that evening.

Part of my problem was that I started drinking relatively late in life at age 47. Prior to that I drank only on rare occasions at parties or holidays and then go months and months until the next drink and NEVER thought about drinking at all. SO since I was "normal" for so long I couldn't possibly be an alcoholic now at age 57... right? WRONG!!

AND.... I am a woman. Women can't be drunks right? I mean...low class ones can... but NOT me. Not the college educated professional woman that I am. Some how it's easier, for me anyway, to see a man as an alcoholic. Not a woman.... and certainly not the high and mighty ME! I'm in the medical profession and know all the adverse affects alcohol has on the mind and body, so I really couldn't be an alcoholic. I knew better. I just liked a few drinks to relax after a stressful day that was all. Now what's wrong with that?

All this was my mindset for so long... Just a huge load of denial. Denial that I had done this to myself. AND yes.. I accept full responsibility now. The stressful career didn't do it. My personal family issues didn't do this to me. I DID IT TO ME!. Now I realize that.

I am 7 days sober today. I am still obsessing about alcohol. I think about it constantly. The withdrawal symptoms have subsided but now I realize I have a much longer road ahead. I am not going to drink today. That's the best I can say at this moment.

brigid

I know that I used pot for a long time instead of alcohol. And I knew that there were problems using it, but I never owned it because it was the lesser of two evils. Alcohol was my demon. Funny thing was that I had to own up to myself that now I was one of the pot head people, that I was a bit of a waste of space at times and that I had too much going for me to keep it up. Then I could do something about it. Same as quitting alcohol. I knew I was alcoholic and not surprised when I drank more etc. Did a quiz when I was 19 and knew deep down that I had passed - answered too many questions correctly. So what did I do? Played with it, maybe I could drink alone ok and that would prove that I wasn't alcoholic. Maybe not! I denied on a level so that I could justify drinking, joked on another level about being alcoholic and refused to see what was happening to me. Funny how chemicals make you think and act, the bravado ... Acknowledgement is enlightenment, painful as that is. Finding a power greater than myself was humbling, a very good experience. What a huge ego I have had. How incredibly blind I have been. How nice it is to be part of the world once again. Full admission is definitely part of moving on.

Five

Yes, acceptance of the core problem was a huge suprise but relief for me. It meant I could work on shedding it off - getting the booze out of my life for Good. The years I sat in bars on my lonesome, thinking 'jeez, this is not right' were finally over. I could let go. And with that comes new peace and better horizons!

daddysgirl29

Hopie - just wanted to say that I'm pulling for you, sweetie. Drinking led me to do LOTS of things (drugs) I normally wouldn't have done back in the day. Perhaps this is the resolution you have been searching for to help you finally kick the demon(?)

I hope so!
Love,
DG