I am about to fail
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In Limbo...
Posts: 44
I am about to fail
I feel it coming.
I have been sober for 7 days now.
My husband is out of town for 2 days. This is a huge trigger for me to drink. I feel very weird and vulnerable when I am alone. I do strange things. Like lapse into a bought of bulimia and binge drinking. I don't really know why I do this. I just do it when I am all alone.
Anyway, I recently went back to nursing because I am not making as much money as I need to be with my art gallery. So I am sad about this. I work hard, 12 hours on my feet, then come home to an empty house because my son is visiting his grandparents and my husband is on a business trip. The only reason I did not drink today is because the shop is closed by the time I get off my shift at the hospital. And I didn't think I was going to want to drink so badly after work, so I didn't plan for it by buying alcohol before my shift. So, this feels like failing already.
Right now, I am only sober by default. Not because I made an effort to be sober right now. I couldn't get drunk if I wanted to.
But tomorrow, it will be the same situation.
I don't know if I can resist picking up some wine before my shift starts tomorrow, knowing how badly I am going to want...NEED...a drink when I get off.
I have been sober for 7 days now.
My husband is out of town for 2 days. This is a huge trigger for me to drink. I feel very weird and vulnerable when I am alone. I do strange things. Like lapse into a bought of bulimia and binge drinking. I don't really know why I do this. I just do it when I am all alone.
Anyway, I recently went back to nursing because I am not making as much money as I need to be with my art gallery. So I am sad about this. I work hard, 12 hours on my feet, then come home to an empty house because my son is visiting his grandparents and my husband is on a business trip. The only reason I did not drink today is because the shop is closed by the time I get off my shift at the hospital. And I didn't think I was going to want to drink so badly after work, so I didn't plan for it by buying alcohol before my shift. So, this feels like failing already.
Right now, I am only sober by default. Not because I made an effort to be sober right now. I couldn't get drunk if I wanted to.
But tomorrow, it will be the same situation.
I don't know if I can resist picking up some wine before my shift starts tomorrow, knowing how badly I am going to want...NEED...a drink when I get off.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Originally Posted by Zilla
I don't know if I can resist picking up some wine before my shift starts tomorrow, knowing how badly I am going to want...NEED...a drink when I get off.
How bad do you "want"....."NEED'...to stay sober??? Do you want sobriety bad enough to call AA and talk to someone about what's going on? You don't have to be alone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Melbourne victoria
Posts: 1,975
You could always go to a meeting , after work 
Believe me, Zilla, I know that feeling SO well. I am a Nurse too, and always brought my booze before my shift in case i got off late.
Can you go for a coffee after work with some work mates? or go for ya run, or ask friends over for a meal,
Hang in there Zilla, play the tape to the end.Remember the sober time you have, and how you will feel in the morning after you have the booze. How proud you will feel when you have resisted, and your husband comes home, to find you are still sober
HUGX
Lee
Believe me, Zilla, I know that feeling SO well. I am a Nurse too, and always brought my booze before my shift in case i got off late.
Can you go for a coffee after work with some work mates? or go for ya run, or ask friends over for a meal,
Hang in there Zilla, play the tape to the end.Remember the sober time you have, and how you will feel in the morning after you have the booze. How proud you will feel when you have resisted, and your husband comes home, to find you are still sober
HUGX
Lee
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Nottm Nottinghamshire
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by Zilla
The only reason I did not drink today is because the shop is closed by the time I get off my shift at the hospital. Right now, I am only sober by default.
Stay strong
((((hugs))))
Molly
xx
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Zilla,
When my husband was away it was a huge trigger for me too. I was a 'closet' drinker, so of course, if I was alone I was free to do my own thing. I hated it. What I learned was that it was my lack of caring about myself that allowed me to do this. In order to stop drinking when I was alone (or any time) I had to start to love myself enough to know that what I was doing was killing me.
And, sometimes sober by default is ok too!!
You can do this. It's not easy, but you can get through it.
When my husband was away it was a huge trigger for me too. I was a 'closet' drinker, so of course, if I was alone I was free to do my own thing. I hated it. What I learned was that it was my lack of caring about myself that allowed me to do this. In order to stop drinking when I was alone (or any time) I had to start to love myself enough to know that what I was doing was killing me.
And, sometimes sober by default is ok too!!
You can do this. It's not easy, but you can get through it.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Zilla...
It's my experience, and that of many folks who've shared their experience with me, that we often put a lot of effort into planning our drinking. Therefore, in order to stay sober, I had to put some effort into planning my recovery. First, I had to seek help (for me, rehab came first, but many do it without rehab). I had to get a meeting list, I had to plan to attend meetings, and once there, I had to start building my phone list so that when I felt tempted, I had someone to call who knew exactly what I felt. I had to listen closely to other women share because I needed a sponsor. I had to pick up the Big Book and start reading it. I planned and carried out the actions. Between my guidance, my efforts, and the fellowship, I stayed sober as a result.
Eventually, something else that helped me was, once I made sobriety a choice in my heart, I crossed "a drink" off my mental list of ways to deal with a problem or situation. I actually visualized this...crossed it off with permanent marker! The only way it again becomes an option is if I consciously add it.
If you're really uncomfortable planning your next drunk, how about planning your recovery? Granted, regardless of which you choose to do, you'll get equivalent results.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
It's my experience, and that of many folks who've shared their experience with me, that we often put a lot of effort into planning our drinking. Therefore, in order to stay sober, I had to put some effort into planning my recovery. First, I had to seek help (for me, rehab came first, but many do it without rehab). I had to get a meeting list, I had to plan to attend meetings, and once there, I had to start building my phone list so that when I felt tempted, I had someone to call who knew exactly what I felt. I had to listen closely to other women share because I needed a sponsor. I had to pick up the Big Book and start reading it. I planned and carried out the actions. Between my guidance, my efforts, and the fellowship, I stayed sober as a result.
Eventually, something else that helped me was, once I made sobriety a choice in my heart, I crossed "a drink" off my mental list of ways to deal with a problem or situation. I actually visualized this...crossed it off with permanent marker! The only way it again becomes an option is if I consciously add it.
If you're really uncomfortable planning your next drunk, how about planning your recovery? Granted, regardless of which you choose to do, you'll get equivalent results.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Like lapse into a bought of bulimia and binge drinking.
I'd add drugs to that as well though...
I'd feel the tingle as soon as I knew I was going to be alone for a certain period of time...
Go out.. stock up on whatever...
and then do my thing...
.. alone...
Gurl... you do not want to do this anymore...
Cause I know what's on the other side.. and my soul is aching for you already...
You can do this....
You must realize that with the combination of purging and boozing... you could easily blow a vein in your head .. or your heart could stop... and all your problems would be over...
This is dangerous behavior... and I think you really really need to stop minimizing what could possibly happen to you over it.
.. or don't you care.
I am here... cause I got past it.
Life is what you make it!
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: The boonies, Wisconsin
Posts: 43
Zilla...I feel for you right now....you have done great so far! Imagine how great you'll feel if you get through this tough time without the booze! Just try to keep busy, and make sure to eat some good filling things....I've found if I eat healthy and don't allow myself to get famished I don't have urges as often or as bad. Also taking a relaxing bath or indulging in a good book will keep you busy until your husband comes home. Like maybe try to plan something special for "you" for when you get home from work. I know it's easier said than done but it won't help anything to drink! Just know my thoughts are with you today. Maybe this little guy can put just a little smile on your face 
Have a nice day :ValA017:
Living and Loving.
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Saratoga, California
Posts: 475
Hi Zilla!
Wow a week! That was my first huge milestone... I had never been able to make it that far before. YOU did that... YOU did and no one else. Not your husband, not your job, not your circumstances YOU. It is a really good thing you are seeing your triggers now while you can set up a plan to support yourself before your husband goes away. I agree with everyone else... GET a plan of action and find some meetings and get that support. There are sooooo many people you can reach out to that can help you through this patch of temptation. Seek out meetings in your area and get up and talk about it... ask people for phone numbers and give yours out too and ask them to call and check up on you. Use the numbers you have and never hesitate to call upon them for support - they won't let you down.
You can do this... you really can. Just get through today and worry about tomorrow - tomorrow.
Post often and keep busy!
Suga
Wow a week! That was my first huge milestone... I had never been able to make it that far before. YOU did that... YOU did and no one else. Not your husband, not your job, not your circumstances YOU. It is a really good thing you are seeing your triggers now while you can set up a plan to support yourself before your husband goes away. I agree with everyone else... GET a plan of action and find some meetings and get that support. There are sooooo many people you can reach out to that can help you through this patch of temptation. Seek out meetings in your area and get up and talk about it... ask people for phone numbers and give yours out too and ask them to call and check up on you. Use the numbers you have and never hesitate to call upon them for support - they won't let you down.
You can do this... you really can. Just get through today and worry about tomorrow - tomorrow.
Post often and keep busy!
Suga
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in a better place
Posts: 1,406
I can relate to your ansy feeling while your husband is away. That's exactly how I felt. This is the first time I've made it past 7 days ever and now I'm coming up on 2 weeks. If you just work through your feelings as tough as they are, you will get past the urge to drink and then you can add another successful day to your count. Instead of grabbing a drink, call someone, go online and look up meeting times, take a shower, whatever to pass a few minutes. Usually once the painful instant passes it's hard to give into drinking after the fact.
And it wouldn't hurt to try a meeting. You may hear some things that relate to you and you'll feel a whole world of support.
And it wouldn't hurt to try a meeting. You may hear some things that relate to you and you'll feel a whole world of support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In Limbo...
Posts: 44
Thanks everyone. 
I am so glad for the feedback here, it means so much to me. You have no idea...
Yes I know I will feel terrible if I drink to deal with the lonliness...
A meeting isn't possible as I would need to drive quite a distance in the middle of the night, but I can at least come here when I get home.
I have been thinking a lot and praying. I don't want to drink to get past this. I don't want to ruin what I have accomplished this far.
I am afraid though, that I won't be this strong later, after work. So I am going to NOT go to the shop before work to gaurd against that. If I don't have access to alcohol, I can't get drunk. No matter how badly I want to.
It would be nice to have somewhere safe to go where I would not have to be alone, but I work mostly with a crowd of CNA's, one doctor, and then me. None of whom I am friendly with beyond work-related matters. So once again, at least I can come here.
Yes, I do realize that...which is what mainly keeps me from relapsing into bulimia when I am sober. I have had a few very scary experiences. But once I start drinking, all that good sense goes right out the window, hence the pattern of purging while drunk. 
I am so glad for the feedback here, it means so much to me. You have no idea...Yes I know I will feel terrible if I drink to deal with the lonliness...
A meeting isn't possible as I would need to drive quite a distance in the middle of the night, but I can at least come here when I get home.
I have been thinking a lot and praying. I don't want to drink to get past this. I don't want to ruin what I have accomplished this far.
I am afraid though, that I won't be this strong later, after work. So I am going to NOT go to the shop before work to gaurd against that. If I don't have access to alcohol, I can't get drunk. No matter how badly I want to.
It would be nice to have somewhere safe to go where I would not have to be alone, but I work mostly with a crowd of CNA's, one doctor, and then me. None of whom I am friendly with beyond work-related matters. So once again, at least I can come here.
Originally Posted by bikewench
Hey sister.. ;o)
You must realize that with the combination of purging and boozing... you could easily blow a vein in your head .. or your heart could stop...
You must realize that with the combination of purging and boozing... you could easily blow a vein in your head .. or your heart could stop...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Melbourne victoria
Posts: 1,975
Hang in there Zilla , we are with you in this , just hold the thought of how proud you will be when you resist that first urge, and practise is good , once youve dealt with it once , you will find it easier next time , and have the 'tools" in ta toolbox LOL
HUGX
Lee
HUGX
Lee
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
I could write a lot of garbage as to what you should or shouldn't do.
I do know, I live in a positive frame of mind. I call people in AA when, there's not a meeting going on. I visit on here to read and write.
Do you keep a daily log of your feelings? I did for the first 2 years I was sober. Don't isolate your self. Stay with people that are upbeat. Have you got any friends or family you can tell them what's going on? A good family or friend will help you out just as well.
Stay busy and focused. have you got any goals in mind you can be working on now?
One last thought, you're worth it, don't let the disease tell you you're not!!!
I do know, I live in a positive frame of mind. I call people in AA when, there's not a meeting going on. I visit on here to read and write.
Do you keep a daily log of your feelings? I did for the first 2 years I was sober. Don't isolate your self. Stay with people that are upbeat. Have you got any friends or family you can tell them what's going on? A good family or friend will help you out just as well.
Stay busy and focused. have you got any goals in mind you can be working on now?
One last thought, you're worth it, don't let the disease tell you you're not!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In Limbo...
Posts: 44
Thanks everybody...
So, I did not fail! I was so sure I would. I just made sure to make a few precautions...the major one being limiting my access to alcohol when I know I was going to feel weak.
So, now this is day # 8 and I did NOT fail!
I am going to bed now, and I am really proud of myself. But also really grateful that I have a place like this to come to with all these great people that give me the support I need so badly. Thank you all. I appreciate you so much.
So, I did not fail! I was so sure I would. I just made sure to make a few precautions...the major one being limiting my access to alcohol when I know I was going to feel weak.
So, now this is day # 8 and I did NOT fail!
I am going to bed now, and I am really proud of myself. But also really grateful that I have a place like this to come to with all these great people that give me the support I need so badly. Thank you all. I appreciate you so much.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in a better place
Posts: 1,406
That's great to hear Zilla. Each time you resist it really does get easier. The difficult thing is that it's also easy to let your guard down. Keep doing what you're doing and try to get another day under your belt.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
