Compromised!
((( ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY )))
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: manchester connecticut
Posts: 106
Compromised!
compromised Hi! my name is Jennifer and Im an addict/alcoholic/wing-nut!
Good Morning Everyone! Im in Connecticut, and It hasnt stopped snowing it feels like since forever. Not complaining, because I love the winter sports
( skiing, sleding, snow-boarding etc.), havent been able to do much of that because I broke my leg a little while ago. However thats not why im posting.
My brother whom Im very, very close with is an alcoholic.
He has been through and Im not exaggerating 58 detoxes. He did however have one year and a half clean about six months ago.
---Right after the New year, my brother made a decesion to give it another try. I have stuck by him every single time, infact the reason I even brought up the number "58" is because HE reminded me of that.
58, 158 my attitude is hopefuly this time he'll get it right.
I made a phone call to my parents last night, and to my surprise, my brother answered the phone. He went into a 90 day program 2 weeks ago, and obviously he left once again AMA.
For the first time IM ANGRY!!!!!!
I dont get it. I can understand that after you take that first sip or toke ALL BETS ARE OFF, but arent you responsible for your actions up until then?????
He is a bright, intelligent man, not boy, but he sure is acting like one.
My mom and dad are the sweetest people on this earth. They have been married 45 years, and are still in love like they first met.My concern is them.
Im worried because my parents enable him. And theres NOTHING I can say to change there minds, believe me, ive tried. That is a whole other show!
Im done with it!!!!! I am not going to stroke his ego anymore!
Hes a big boy, and he knows what he is doing is wrong.
My main concern now is my parents health, and of course my own sobriety, which is compromised when things like this happen.
Im sorry guys, I just needed to vent.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I love this site, because I know Im not alone in this crazy world we live in.Ive been praying a whole lot for my brother, but that is all I can offer him anymore. Thanks Everone!
Jennifer
Good Morning Everyone! Im in Connecticut, and It hasnt stopped snowing it feels like since forever. Not complaining, because I love the winter sports
( skiing, sleding, snow-boarding etc.), havent been able to do much of that because I broke my leg a little while ago. However thats not why im posting.
My brother whom Im very, very close with is an alcoholic.
He has been through and Im not exaggerating 58 detoxes. He did however have one year and a half clean about six months ago.
---Right after the New year, my brother made a decesion to give it another try. I have stuck by him every single time, infact the reason I even brought up the number "58" is because HE reminded me of that.
58, 158 my attitude is hopefuly this time he'll get it right.
I made a phone call to my parents last night, and to my surprise, my brother answered the phone. He went into a 90 day program 2 weeks ago, and obviously he left once again AMA.
For the first time IM ANGRY!!!!!!
I dont get it. I can understand that after you take that first sip or toke ALL BETS ARE OFF, but arent you responsible for your actions up until then?????
He is a bright, intelligent man, not boy, but he sure is acting like one.
My mom and dad are the sweetest people on this earth. They have been married 45 years, and are still in love like they first met.My concern is them.
Im worried because my parents enable him. And theres NOTHING I can say to change there minds, believe me, ive tried. That is a whole other show!
Im done with it!!!!! I am not going to stroke his ego anymore!
Hes a big boy, and he knows what he is doing is wrong.
My main concern now is my parents health, and of course my own sobriety, which is compromised when things like this happen.
Im sorry guys, I just needed to vent.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I love this site, because I know Im not alone in this crazy world we live in.Ive been praying a whole lot for my brother, but that is all I can offer him anymore. Thanks Everone!
Jennifer
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Hi Jennifer,
Christina here, recovering codie.
Im sorry for your disappointment. I know it all too well. Its so not easy to accept enabling parents. It becomes so obvious how alcoholism is a family disease when we see family repeating the same destructive behaviors with the alkie. We can behavior just as insane as he in our good intentions to help.
Sometimes I think its the family members that need the intervention on their behavior.
All that being said......what can you do? First, attend al anon,,,,thats the only solution I know of in learning to accept people who do destructive things.
If your parents have never been to al anon themselves, perhaps bring them some of the free literature they give out there....esp the phamplet on enabling. Invite them to attend a meeting with you. Other than that....acceptance is the answer....practice the acceptance that you cannot control his disease, nor their disease to help/enable him.
Today, I know for complete certainty that I am only responsible for me, myself and I, that I cannot and should not save others, especially those that do not wish to be saved.
Live and let live...very hard words indeed to follow, but essential.
Good luck,,,and keep coming back..............Ps...Keep putting on your big girls panties! They help us to deal with this thing called Life!
Christina here, recovering codie.
Im sorry for your disappointment. I know it all too well. Its so not easy to accept enabling parents. It becomes so obvious how alcoholism is a family disease when we see family repeating the same destructive behaviors with the alkie. We can behavior just as insane as he in our good intentions to help.
Sometimes I think its the family members that need the intervention on their behavior.
All that being said......what can you do? First, attend al anon,,,,thats the only solution I know of in learning to accept people who do destructive things.
If your parents have never been to al anon themselves, perhaps bring them some of the free literature they give out there....esp the phamplet on enabling. Invite them to attend a meeting with you. Other than that....acceptance is the answer....practice the acceptance that you cannot control his disease, nor their disease to help/enable him.
Today, I know for complete certainty that I am only responsible for me, myself and I, that I cannot and should not save others, especially those that do not wish to be saved.
Live and let live...very hard words indeed to follow, but essential.
Good luck,,,and keep coming back..............Ps...Keep putting on your big girls panties! They help us to deal with this thing called Life!
Michael
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: London England
Posts: 291
Jennifer,
It sounds to me that your brother has always got a perfect fall-back position. He detoxes, he drinks, he goes home to mum and dad. It is harsh but they are enabling him to carry on in the way he is. He has been given every opportunity to quit and flunks it every time. He flunks it because he knows he can.
He needs to feel ice water flowing through his veins when he realises that the game really is up. That's what I felt when I had my moment of clarity. I was absolutely terrified at what I had done to myself in alcohol and that fear was made all the more dreadful in the realisation that II was the only person on the planet who had the power to do anything about it.
Until your parents lay down an ultimatum and stick to it your brother will continue as a repeat offender. They only want what's best for him and they must truly believe that being there for him will help. Of course we all know that in the end this unconditional love is actually causing damage.
I have no experience of al-anon but friends of mine whose daughter is a drug addict have got great insight and learnt coping mechanisms from a parents support group.
Maybe you could go with them to a local meeting?
You must safeguard your own sobriety by whatever means you can. Don't carry his problems as well as your own, it can't be done.
Best wishes
Michael
It sounds to me that your brother has always got a perfect fall-back position. He detoxes, he drinks, he goes home to mum and dad. It is harsh but they are enabling him to carry on in the way he is. He has been given every opportunity to quit and flunks it every time. He flunks it because he knows he can.
He needs to feel ice water flowing through his veins when he realises that the game really is up. That's what I felt when I had my moment of clarity. I was absolutely terrified at what I had done to myself in alcohol and that fear was made all the more dreadful in the realisation that II was the only person on the planet who had the power to do anything about it.
Until your parents lay down an ultimatum and stick to it your brother will continue as a repeat offender. They only want what's best for him and they must truly believe that being there for him will help. Of course we all know that in the end this unconditional love is actually causing damage.
I have no experience of al-anon but friends of mine whose daughter is a drug addict have got great insight and learnt coping mechanisms from a parents support group.
Maybe you could go with them to a local meeting?
You must safeguard your own sobriety by whatever means you can. Don't carry his problems as well as your own, it can't be done.
Best wishes
Michael
body ~ mind ~ spirit
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Geelong, Australia
Posts: 582
Originally Posted by roses2005
Ive been praying a whole lot for my brother, but that is all I can offer him anymore.
I told my brother some "home truths" towards the end in the hope that he would be able to do something to change, but it didn't work, I delivered the message badly. Maybe you could just tell him the truth about how you feel, from your perspective, "I feel that ...". My experience has led me to believe that these things are quite emotional so if the delivery can be emotionless and simple it is more effective.
Stay strong, you are a bright example for him and every other person battling with this.
love brigid
((( ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY )))
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: manchester connecticut
Posts: 106
Thank you Michael for your insight. Its very heartbreaking to see there heartsbreaking.
I have tried to talk to dad, and tell him in the kindest way, that he's hurting him more than helping him, and tto try to detach with love, but its hard to tell a wise ( young) 83, believe it or not, that he is doig the wrong thing.
Ive even touched on the " tough love" idea, and he nearly bit my head off, saying tough love was a cop out. ( I cant tell my 83 year old dad he' wrong )
Tough situation. I myself have decided to leave it up to God. Like you said, I cant jeapordize my own sobriety. I graduate from nursing school on April 14, 2006, and I need to concentrate on getting through that. Not trying to be selfish, but cant juggle all of it. I have done that before and ended up in horrible relapse.
Thanks again Michael, and good luck in whatever life brings you.
See you on the boards!!! Jennifer ( roses2005 ))
I have tried to talk to dad, and tell him in the kindest way, that he's hurting him more than helping him, and tto try to detach with love, but its hard to tell a wise ( young) 83, believe it or not, that he is doig the wrong thing.
Ive even touched on the " tough love" idea, and he nearly bit my head off, saying tough love was a cop out. ( I cant tell my 83 year old dad he' wrong )
Tough situation. I myself have decided to leave it up to God. Like you said, I cant jeapordize my own sobriety. I graduate from nursing school on April 14, 2006, and I need to concentrate on getting through that. Not trying to be selfish, but cant juggle all of it. I have done that before and ended up in horrible relapse.
Thanks again Michael, and good luck in whatever life brings you.
See you on the boards!!! Jennifer ( roses2005 ))
((( ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY )))
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: manchester connecticut
Posts: 106
Brig,
Sorry about your brother. How heartbreaking.You know, he has contemplated
suicide, and that scares me to death.
Thats why I believe my parents enable him so much.
Theyre afraid that if they detach from him, there going to lose him.
Tough situation I know. Thanks for the response. Feeling quite tired.
Jennifer (( roses2005 ))
Sorry about your brother. How heartbreaking.You know, he has contemplated
suicide, and that scares me to death.
Thats why I believe my parents enable him so much.
Theyre afraid that if they detach from him, there going to lose him.
Tough situation I know. Thanks for the response. Feeling quite tired.
Jennifer (( roses2005 ))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Originally Posted by roses2005
compromised Hi! my name is Jennifer and Im an addict/alcoholic/wing-nut!
Good Morning Everyone! Im in Connecticut, and It hasnt stopped snowing it feels like since forever. Not complaining, because I love the winter sports
( skiing, sleding, snow-boarding etc.), havent been able to do much of that because I broke my leg a little while ago. However thats not why im posting.
My brother whom Im very, very close with is an alcoholic.
He has been through and Im not exaggerating 58 detoxes. He did however have one year and a half clean about six months ago.
---Right after the New year, my brother made a decesion to give it another try. I have stuck by him every single time, infact the reason I even brought up the number "58" is because HE reminded me of that.
58, 158 my attitude is hopefuly this time he'll get it right.
I made a phone call to my parents last night, and to my surprise, my brother answered the phone. He went into a 90 day program 2 weeks ago, and obviously he left once again AMA.
For the first time IM ANGRY!!!!!!
I dont get it. I can understand that after you take that first sip or toke ALL BETS ARE OFF, but arent you responsible for your actions up until then?????
He is a bright, intelligent man, not boy, but he sure is acting like one.
My mom and dad are the sweetest people on this earth. They have been married 45 years, and are still in love like they first met.My concern is them.
Im worried because my parents enable him. And theres NOTHING I can say to change there minds, believe me, ive tried. That is a whole other show!
Im done with it!!!!! I am not going to stroke his ego anymore!
Hes a big boy, and he knows what he is doing is wrong.
My main concern now is my parents health, and of course my own sobriety, which is compromised when things like this happen.
Im sorry guys, I just needed to vent.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I love this site, because I know Im not alone in this crazy world we live in.Ive been praying a whole lot for my brother, but that is all I can offer him anymore. Thanks Everone!
Jennifer
Good Morning Everyone! Im in Connecticut, and It hasnt stopped snowing it feels like since forever. Not complaining, because I love the winter sports
( skiing, sleding, snow-boarding etc.), havent been able to do much of that because I broke my leg a little while ago. However thats not why im posting.
My brother whom Im very, very close with is an alcoholic.
He has been through and Im not exaggerating 58 detoxes. He did however have one year and a half clean about six months ago.
---Right after the New year, my brother made a decesion to give it another try. I have stuck by him every single time, infact the reason I even brought up the number "58" is because HE reminded me of that.
58, 158 my attitude is hopefuly this time he'll get it right.
I made a phone call to my parents last night, and to my surprise, my brother answered the phone. He went into a 90 day program 2 weeks ago, and obviously he left once again AMA.
For the first time IM ANGRY!!!!!!
I dont get it. I can understand that after you take that first sip or toke ALL BETS ARE OFF, but arent you responsible for your actions up until then?????
He is a bright, intelligent man, not boy, but he sure is acting like one.
My mom and dad are the sweetest people on this earth. They have been married 45 years, and are still in love like they first met.My concern is them.
Im worried because my parents enable him. And theres NOTHING I can say to change there minds, believe me, ive tried. That is a whole other show!
Im done with it!!!!! I am not going to stroke his ego anymore!
Hes a big boy, and he knows what he is doing is wrong.
My main concern now is my parents health, and of course my own sobriety, which is compromised when things like this happen.
Im sorry guys, I just needed to vent.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I love this site, because I know Im not alone in this crazy world we live in.Ive been praying a whole lot for my brother, but that is all I can offer him anymore. Thanks Everone!
Jennifer
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