Advice Please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 2
Advice Please
Hi,
I am not an alcoholic but my boyfriend is. I would probably refer to him more as an alcohol abuser actually because I don't think there is a physical addiction. We were together over a year and I noticed his heavy drinking immediately. It wasn't until about 6 months into our relationship though that I noticed intense personality changes with each drink. He became extremely angry, with everyone and everything, but especially with me. He would yell at me, became extremely possessive and critical of all of my actions, friends, job etc.
He finally reached an all time low when he got so drunk that he pushed me around (I wasn't hurt), scared the hell out of me, wrecked a hotel room and got a dui all in the same night. After that we had a very difficult time and tried to reunite several times, all to be destroyed by a night of drinking when he would once again become incredibly angry and say hurtful things.
Well he finally agreed to treatment and just left. I love him, despite all that has happened and don't know if I should give it another shot. He wants me to visit him at rehab and I don't know if that is a wise idea.
Could someone please give me some insight or share their own experience with something like this, or relationships when one is a heavy drinker and the other is not.
Thank you. I appreciate all of your words.
I am not an alcoholic but my boyfriend is. I would probably refer to him more as an alcohol abuser actually because I don't think there is a physical addiction. We were together over a year and I noticed his heavy drinking immediately. It wasn't until about 6 months into our relationship though that I noticed intense personality changes with each drink. He became extremely angry, with everyone and everything, but especially with me. He would yell at me, became extremely possessive and critical of all of my actions, friends, job etc.
He finally reached an all time low when he got so drunk that he pushed me around (I wasn't hurt), scared the hell out of me, wrecked a hotel room and got a dui all in the same night. After that we had a very difficult time and tried to reunite several times, all to be destroyed by a night of drinking when he would once again become incredibly angry and say hurtful things.
Well he finally agreed to treatment and just left. I love him, despite all that has happened and don't know if I should give it another shot. He wants me to visit him at rehab and I don't know if that is a wise idea.
Could someone please give me some insight or share their own experience with something like this, or relationships when one is a heavy drinker and the other is not.
Thank you. I appreciate all of your words.
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Sometimes rehab's have what they call "family days" where loved one's or significant other's of the patient are invited to spend a day or sometimes several days. There are usually some counciling sessions, some individual sessions with the family member and one of the treatment professionals, and some just visiting time for the two of you. I'm not sure if this is what he's talking about or if he just want's you to visit him while he's there. Either way, you need to make it clear to him in no uncertain terms that if his behavior continues it is over between the two of you, perhaps it already is, that is a decision you need to make. Even though he was drunk, he is still responsible for his actions and that is one of the things he will need to learn to understand. He may have lost you due to his drinking and actions while drunk. That can be a very bitter pill to swallow. That choice is your's and you can't feel guilty about how it will make him feel. His actions have put you in physical danger and there is never an excuse for that. If you do decide to give him another chance, he needs to understand that there are no more chances left, under any circumstances. I'm telling you all of this from his side of the fence, though I never physically abused my wife, I put her through he!! for years with my using, lies, and other actions. I finally ran out of chances, I had to push it just a little farther and now I've lost her. My fault, not her's. Now I have to learn how to deal with it. Hope some of this helps. Best of luck to you and him as well. Take care.
Only by the Grace of God....
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Gratitude and Thanks
Posts: 83
Hi Brooke! Welcome to Sober Recovery.
There is an area called family and friends that you also might want to check out.
Your boyfriend definately exhibits symptoms of alcoholisms. There not only is a physical addiction, but there is also a mental addiction that seems to occur. Your statement about his personality changing from one drink to another is also an indication. I know for me, when I drank, that if I had one or two, i could go to 10 or twenty drinks in a heart-beat and not blink an eye.
Re HIS rehab experience. I would suggest that you DO NOT go visit him. He's got to do this for himself, NOT for you, NOT for his mommy, Nor his daddy, or his friends, or anyone, but himself. He has got to want it for himself. All of us alki's had to get to that point for it to really work so that we can stay clean, sober, and Happy daily.
Re: giving him another shot. Sure. Go for it. AFTER a year or more of good sobriety. I'm sure, if he stays sober, and really evaluates his life and his past actions that he will be a new man.
Good luck, keep checking out the forum and post any concerns or questions that you may have. There is a wealth of experience on this list.
Take care and remember, his problem is NOT your fault.
There is an area called family and friends that you also might want to check out.
Your boyfriend definately exhibits symptoms of alcoholisms. There not only is a physical addiction, but there is also a mental addiction that seems to occur. Your statement about his personality changing from one drink to another is also an indication. I know for me, when I drank, that if I had one or two, i could go to 10 or twenty drinks in a heart-beat and not blink an eye.
Re HIS rehab experience. I would suggest that you DO NOT go visit him. He's got to do this for himself, NOT for you, NOT for his mommy, Nor his daddy, or his friends, or anyone, but himself. He has got to want it for himself. All of us alki's had to get to that point for it to really work so that we can stay clean, sober, and Happy daily.
Re: giving him another shot. Sure. Go for it. AFTER a year or more of good sobriety. I'm sure, if he stays sober, and really evaluates his life and his past actions that he will be a new man.
Good luck, keep checking out the forum and post any concerns or questions that you may have. There is a wealth of experience on this list.
Take care and remember, his problem is NOT your fault.
alconaut
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Motor City
Posts: 729
Hi Brooke.
Unravel. Keep a safe distance. The one year of sobriety advice is sound.
Trust me on this: if he doesn't maintain sobriety after rehab, the abuse will get worse, and so will the heartbreak.
I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone. I live it. I cry, sometimes many times a day. Over time, things become more complex. When two lives become one, it becomes more difficult to leave. There's history, time, love and energy spent. There's property to divide. Don't ever make the mistake of thinking children will change him (we don't have any, and I thank my lucky stars for that).
He won't tell you often that he loves you, that you're beautiful or intelligent. If he does, it will be to serve his own purposes. He will say terrible things. He might even cheat. You'll never measure up to his expectations, let alone survive in the outside world. In his eyes, everything you do is wrong. That's because he wants you to feel worthless. Eventually you begin to believe him. Deep down inside, he becomes terrified of losing you which is what primarily motivates his bad behavior. Your independence is a threat to him.
At this point, he's probably filling your ears to the brim with sweet nothings. Beware. This is subject to change when/if he relapses.
This is about the gist of it. Like Carol said though, read over at the Friends & Family forum. I don't post there (yet). I am also an alcoholic with only a couple of months of abstinence, so I'm just beginning to see things differently, compose my thoughts and see my situation for what it is.
I just didn't have the heart to read your post without saying something though. Just believe that what I said is true, and that it isn't all. It gets much worse. So many bad things happen. You don't want to live that way.
Best of luck to you, and (((hugs))).
Unravel. Keep a safe distance. The one year of sobriety advice is sound.
Trust me on this: if he doesn't maintain sobriety after rehab, the abuse will get worse, and so will the heartbreak.
I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone. I live it. I cry, sometimes many times a day. Over time, things become more complex. When two lives become one, it becomes more difficult to leave. There's history, time, love and energy spent. There's property to divide. Don't ever make the mistake of thinking children will change him (we don't have any, and I thank my lucky stars for that).
He won't tell you often that he loves you, that you're beautiful or intelligent. If he does, it will be to serve his own purposes. He will say terrible things. He might even cheat. You'll never measure up to his expectations, let alone survive in the outside world. In his eyes, everything you do is wrong. That's because he wants you to feel worthless. Eventually you begin to believe him. Deep down inside, he becomes terrified of losing you which is what primarily motivates his bad behavior. Your independence is a threat to him.
At this point, he's probably filling your ears to the brim with sweet nothings. Beware. This is subject to change when/if he relapses.
This is about the gist of it. Like Carol said though, read over at the Friends & Family forum. I don't post there (yet). I am also an alcoholic with only a couple of months of abstinence, so I'm just beginning to see things differently, compose my thoughts and see my situation for what it is.
I just didn't have the heart to read your post without saying something though. Just believe that what I said is true, and that it isn't all. It gets much worse. So many bad things happen. You don't want to live that way.
Best of luck to you, and (((hugs))).
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Brooke,great time,to take time for yourself,make changes inside,yourself,and start your own recovery.He may seem to look like all the issues are his.However alcoholism is called the family disease.Learn all that you can about yourself,and about alcoholism.Al-anon is a recovery program for the family and friends of alcoholics.Here you will find fellowship,and learning a new way to live.As your recovering,you will be stronger to make the important decisions in your life,on what to do.For you will become clearer,and have some learning tools.Nothing changes,until someone makes changes inside of themselves.Until then,its the same ole,same ole.Let change begin with you,and your own recovery...
Prayers for you both.
God Bless,take care!!!!!!!!
You are no longer...all,,,alone..!!!!!!!!
Prayers for you both.
God Bless,take care!!!!!!!!
You are no longer...all,,,alone..!!!!!!!!
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