nucldragr

Hi, my name is Jason and I am an alcoholic junkie. I need some help with this whole communication thing that everybody wants. I am in a really bad spot and need a little help.

My wife and I are in this cycle where everything I try to tell her about how "I" am felling turns into this huge ordeal. When "I" try to communicate with her how "I" feel or what "I" am struggling with, she feels as if "I" am directly attacking her. I dont know how to explain to her that these are things that "I" am dealing with. She immediately reverts back to her escape plan of moving out and being alone. I do not want to lose her that way, but there is avery long "LIST" of hurts between us.

I was wondering if there was anybody out there that has dealt with this sort of communication break down, and if so, if they could shed a little light on how to get past it?

Peter

This is not advice but I will tell you about my own experiences.

Long before my spouse (of eleven years) and I broke up the communication started going bad.

There was a lot of unresolved issues that kept piling on top of each other and even though much of the hurts were of our own doing we started blaming each other.

It got to the point where we could not talk to each other anymore because we had done so many things wrong and done little to correct any of it.

Talking to each other was like digging away at an open sore.

We were both asking for more than what the other person could give and didn't realize it.It came to a point where even asking the other person to listen was just too painful.

Separation was inevitable. We each had to go our separate ways and find our own healing elsewhere.

Counselling has helped me tremendously to understand much of what I did wrong in our relationship.

There was too much deep rooted anger, pain and blaming for either of us to help each other.

We remain separated today after two years but we are learning better ways of communicating again.

I wish you the best.

nucldragr

I am curious to know if the seperation from each other was a good thing or bad. I also am curious to know if there are any kids were involved? My wife and I are discussing seperation for the childrens sake. They have been struggling with the arguments and it is really starting to effect them. Thank you for your reply.

michski

Why don't you go to a marriage counselor? Might be able to shine some light on your difficulties.

Music

My wife and I had to decide whether or not we wanted to make things work. The answer was yes so we went to marriage counseling. We had to learn how to communicate. There are rules that we use to this day when we're discussing things that we learned in those sessions. Taking the word "you" out of sentences and talking about me, so as to not make it seem like a personal attack. I spent a lot of time with my sponsor and she, hers. We would discuss things with our sponsors first and then come to each other. Make out a game plan, so to speak. It's a long process that takes time. We actually had to learn to be "nice" to each other which meant that we didn't raise our voices in front of the kids. If things started to heat up, we would take a time out, and come back later when we cooled down.

The main point here I think is that if "both" people don't want to get help to right the bad feelings, there's little hope. In a relationship there are three parts. You, me, and we. I had to work on myself, and my wife on herself before we could accomplish anything together.

So, do you attend AA and do you have a sponsor you can talk to? Or, do you have any recovery program in place where you can set up a plan so the two of you don't have to do this yourselves?

Cap3

Communication .Sometimes i share where im at,but most times i ask how my hub is doing,what he thinks/feels..etc.This helps me to get out of my selfish-self...Its just not always about me.It really isnt.To be more concerned with another.More willing to serve,than be served i guess is what im saying.To give is to recieve.Sounds corny,but it works.When im more intersted in another,then they do this for me too...
Im no expert of course.Just sharring what is working in our own marriage,today.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!!

fraankie

Counselling has helped me tremendously to understand much of what I did wrong in our relationship.
Peter, on one hand, has found understanding, thru therapy, for his own sake

There are rules that we use to this day when we're discussing things that we learned in those sessions.
Music and his wife are practicing what they learned in therapy to make it work

and, to me, that essentially is the answer

from my own experiences, i have been to MARRIAGE COUNSELING, FAMILY COUNSELING, INDIVIDUAL THERAPY, to therapists, priests, family members, etc

if you go and have a desire to make it work, well, then hip, hip, hooray
if you and others go and it works, well, a double cheer
but
if whoever goes is going as a formality and has no desire to make it work,
when then it's a waste of time
which happened to me

sessions with my wife were little more than referreed combat games
sessions with my brother, mother were sabotaged by lies and anger
i asked my sister, if she would go with me years ago
and
she said "what is it goping to do?", etc
to avoid it
now, recently, she flung the old
"you broke up my marriage" at me

i am at the mindset now,
that very few psyche's, therapists, friends, even priests
really have no experience at successful counseling
as, i'm sure, very few people, groups of people, family
are going to go to counseling
and make it work thru honesty, open-mindedness and willingness

then there is human nature
which everyone sees things thru their own life experiences
and
will validate their own self
before they admit they were wrong

so good luck

best
fraankie

Peter

Marriage counsellng came too late for us.

She did ask for it years before but I was too adamant and proud to see a marriage counsellor.I know better today and I own my mistake.

By the time she reluctantly agreed to see a counsellor she was carrying so much hurt and anger and refusal that there was little the counsellor could do for us.

Fortunately there was no kids (does a cocker spaniel count?) still the separation continues to remain one of the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with.

If you can both still find some willingness to work at it, please see a counsellor before it is too late.

fraankie

By the time she reluctantly agreed to see a counsellor she was carrying so much hurt and anger and refusal that there was little the counsellor could do for us.
from Peter

that's a clinker, too
there are probably very, very few people who want to hash out
20 years of wrong doings
not for nothing
even 2 sessions a week
it would take at the least another 20 years of 45 minute sessions
and
like, in my case, for what

the thing they hit me with
when things were going good
and
i tried to make was "it's over, it's the past"
now
if the spouses got together
the family got together
whoever the people involved got together
it would be, imo
to start new
and
if one did say
"well, i want the garbage thrown out at 6pm sharp"
and the other said and did it
"okay, 6pm sharp, it is'
then
you would have a successful therapist
but
if one or each just blocked any success by binging up the past
or
not caring if you make amends or not or not accepting it
the
"what we have here is a failure to communicate'
(line from an old movie)

good luck
fraankie

Cindi R

Wow. Counseling...that's deep. I know in "our" case it was too late. What started as marriage counseling became divorce counceling...
However, I was in recovery & he was not.
We were married for 25 years & had no idea about how to fight fair...both of us came from dysfunctional families with poor role models to learn from...
My dad was a wife beater and his parents both got drunk and threw knives at each other...
We just didn't argue about anything...probably because of fear.
So when we did try the counseling thingy...we had years & years of crap to try & make sense of...
I guess before I started that...I'd ask a honest and direct question "Do you really want to try to save this marriage?"
or at least at one of the first sessions...
But if one of you are still under the influence...then the results are likely to not turn out well...until you address the underlying problem of addiction.
My two cents.....

nucldragr

Thank you all for your feedback. Just for clarifications sake, my wife and I have been married for 6 years now and 4.5 of it was spent in "marriage" counseling. She was very un-willing to work on the things that we needed to work on, (those are her words not mine). So I am not sure where to go except back to my meetings. Thanks again.

brigid

Relationships!! can full of worms there!

I think these questions are good:
1) Do you want to stay married to this woman? What do you love about her? Focus on that.
2) Can you let bygons be bygons? No one is perfect.
3) Can you be strong enough to show her the way? Can you be the first to give and worry about her?

If you lead she may follow, at least that is the way I try it. If I worry less about my own hurts and more about theirs (husband and kids) then they start worrying about me in the same way. Just this little thing I believe, actions speak louder than words. I am not all there yet (we are not all there yet as a caring, loving family), but home life has been constantly improving over time.

good luck,
love brigid

Cap3

She was very unwilling to work on things...Yup,sounds natural,..it took many years for me to build up all the hurt and anger,that i had for my hub.And if,i was not working on my own recovery,and he came to me and said we need to work things out,lets talk.Well,what can i say.I would have blown him into tomorrow.,and even into next week.I mean feelings are raw.Blaming,anger,all that "stuff"..Without recovery,i would have remained seeing all my problems as his fault,,no matter what another tells me.Land mines.And ...now..he wants to talk?????The guy who is causing all the fuss,wants to talk?This is how i understood things,before my own recovery,Where i learned through recovery programs that i too played my own part in da messes.You hear it said let the healing begin with me,no matter what another does or doesnt do.All the issues i had with hub,were of my own making.They are my thoughts/feelings,and this is what recovery is all about,changing,those things i can change,thats me..Step1,is a great reminder when im wanting others to change.BB,,Mag,or Meg,there is a section,there that the alcoholic,saw all the wrong in his wife.Was suggested to start changing this to see the good,in her.This is what changed their relationship...And this is what helped change mine too,along with my relationship with God.Its through His grace that we are still together,and in love.
From my own experience,and of course everyones is different,the more i work on my issues,the more,i can accept people,places and things to be as they are meant to be.Folks change on a dime.Up to them.Its not about them.its about my recovery.This is what will change any and all relationships that i have with folks.
You both are in my prayers,
keep on,keeping on.
healing takes time,,easy does it.
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!!