earlybird

Hi all,...........Ive been sober now for a year and a half. When I checked myself into a treatment center back then, I still had an apartment that I had for about 5 years. My parents convinced me to give up my place and move back in with them for a couple of years. So, right out of treatment, I moved back home with them. My mother almost immediately started treating me just awful. Worse than when I was drinking. She calls me a loser, she even criticizes me for being 33 yrs old and living with my parents. Calls me a mooch. A user. She still brings up things I did 5 to 10 years ago as if she has enormous resentment towards me over it. I work everyday, I work out at the gym so Im not home barely at all during the day. Both my parents show me ZERO respect. My Dad sides with my Mom every single time he hears us arguing. Most times he wasnt even around long enough to even know what we are fighting about. He just automatically sides with her without even asking my side of things. Im a nice, thoughtful person. They dont seem to care how miserable they are making me. I leave after a fight with them and carry that misery all day with me. Im having nightmares. I dont have enough money to move out just yet. I have nowhere to go right now and I think that very thing may be WHY she treats me this way. Like she enjoys controlling me and degrading me and knows I HAVE TO TAKE IT because I have no where else to go. That thought hurts me so badly. They havent taken a single second in this year and a half to "get to know" the sober me. They say I havent changed at all. They refuse to go to Al-anon meetings. They say IM THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM,...NOT THEM. "Why should WE go to meetings?.....We are normal" They say they dont have TIME to go to meetings. I tell them its ONE hour a week!!!!! You dont have ONE freakin hour a week???? They say no. They say they are too busy. Too busy to work on a good relationship with your son who needs you in his life now,....more than ever???? *sniff*

CarolD

Way to go on your sober time! Congratulations!

My parents were also non supportive of my recovery.
I think it made them uncomfortable to know their children
were alcoholics because they were non drinkers.

My brother and I simply did not discuss AA with them.

We also stayed far away from them. I never lived with them and my brother only did for 3 months.

You meed a financial plan to get you out. Maybe a 2nd job instead of the gym time. Tuck that away for a move.

You might want to talk about your situation in meetings.
Someone might be needing a room mate or have a job open.


Just my thoughts...

Music

Move out!!

Sazzer

I agree with Carol & Music. You need a plan to get out of there! There is no reason why your own parents should be so cruel to you -- especially when it was their idea for you to move in. Carrying around all that anger and anxiety about them will only hinder your progress. You will probably be happier being able to dissociate with them a bit, reclaim your independence as the sober you and realize it's them who has the REAL problem and they can't even see it. At least you saw your problem and are doing all you can to overcome it.

Take care of YOU!

Sarah :hugehug

Anna

Yeah Sazzer, you have to get out of there. You said you have a job so do whatever you need to do to save money and move out. Your post makes me so sad because your parents clearly don't have a clue what they are missing out on, which is a relationship with you. You say you need them in your life and I hope you can rethink that. You want them in your life, but you don't need them. Congratulations on your sobriety and I wish you well.

Love, Anna

Grimnar

Is anyone else wondering what may happen if earlybird were to print out what he wrote and show it to his parents? Maybe it's a communication problem.

earlybird, I mostly agree with what others have said: make a plan to move out and then work, work, work to get money to make it happen. If you mom is really that negative to you then you need to get away from her.

Your parents are not "normal" as they say.

earlybird

Thank you all,....

Maybe I should have been clearer. Since Ive been sober and living with my parents, I have been doing one thing at a time. First was fixing the wreckage of my credit. I filed bankruptcy which took me a while to save for the lawyer. I then paid a lawyer to help me reinstate my drivers license (its been eight years since Ive been behind the wheel of a car) Im in the middle of that right now. Have one more court hearing coming up in about 6 weeks. All this has taken me well over a couple thousand dollars thus far. The NEXT step is to buy a car,...and THEN save for an apartment. It has ALWAYS been my plan. From the start. I have not altered the plan at all. Its THEM who have tried to alter it by making life a living hell for me. When I got out of the treatment center and moved back home, my Mom hands me a printed out list of "Official Rules" of living with them.

1. In bed AND ASLEEP by 10pm ( keep in mind Im 33 )
2. No buying groceries as the fridge isnt big enough to hold ours AND yours
3. NO COOKING or using of the stove in any way.
4. No friends in the house.
5. I can eat meals with the family but thats it,....no snacks.

Theres more but Im afraid listing them will only make you think this is a bogus post even further. Im telling you,...this is no joke. Now,...the latest new rule is that I now DO have to buy my own groceries. The cost of feeding me is too high they say. I work at a restaurant. I get up and go to the gym (without eating anything for breakfast by the way) then right to work,....then I make something to eat at work and bring it home for dinner. I havent been eating any food here at their house for a month or so, but SOMEHOW my Mother says the cost of feeding me is killing them. Now,...since Ive started buying my own groceries, she realizes she doesnt have that "quit eating" control over me anymore, so now she tells me "the kitchen's closed" when she doesnt want me eating. I argue that its me buying my own food now so I can eat whatever I want, WHENever I want. She says "No,....this is MY house and the KITCHEN IS CLOSED". The "this is my house" phrase is a very popular one with her. She thinks she could get off of a murder-one rap on "this is my house". Oh well,.....sobriety isnt ALL roses and fuzzy kittens, I guess.

wolflet

(((((((earlybird))))))))


wow! no wonder you are in recovery...hang in there & get out as soon as you can & i hope that you can talk to others in your life & find a way out of that house sooner than later........it is not you, it is them.

ps my old passive aggresive side wants to say ....make pancakes at midnight, but i do not really suggest it! LOL!

1Marty

I believe that you need to respect your parents rules of the house, but what they are asking just sounds unreasonable. I liked suggestion above about bringing this up with your sponsor or others in your recovery program. You may be surprised. Someone may have a place you can stay. In the meantime, you must be as nice to them as you can - even though they are out of line and you probably hate them right now. I think arguing with them may only worsen matters. Demonstrate to them that you have changed.

Pick-a-name

OH dear; have any friends looking for a new roommate? Maybe you should ask?!

earlybird

Yeah,....I have talked quite a bit about my situation at meetings. Everyone is very understanding and sympathizes, but no offers of places to stay yet .....lol....thats ok. Atleast I know that Ive made it this far living with them and havent even thought of drinking to cope. So I know my resolve is good. Im just more hurt that once I move out,....thats it. No family in my life. That would really hurt. My dad had that happen. No alcohol involved or anything,...he just, for some reason, faded away from his family. So much so that I have no memory of ANY of my relatives on his side at all. I dont want that to happen to me. Im scared it is, though. Im happy otherwise though. I love my life booze-free. I havent been sick in a year and a half. Go figure. I havent been arrested in a year and a half. Go figure. I havent called off work in a year and a half. GO FREAKIN FIGURE.

Dawn10

Early bird,
If you were a minor--what your parents are doing to you is abuse!
Is there a YMCA in your city? Many have facilities that you can live at and are near public transportation lines. It is cheap and you will be away from the verbal abuse.
If you can, get a second job. My prayers are with you.

Anna

Well, I'm glad to see that you have a good plan and are sticking to it and WOW, it's unbelieveable how you can manage to put up with all that stuff!! I'm sure you're going to make it, though and it will so great when you are finally on your own!

I wish you well.

Love, Anna

AndrewBeen

earlybird:

just for the record you are far stronger than me -- both in terms of what you've done in recovery and how you are dealing with the homefront.

i do NOT think that what they are asking for is reasonable. they are not giving you the responsibility of a 12 year old. this is wrong.

i do NOT think they are in support of your recovery and in all likihood they will not be able to be. especially since they are creating a united defense.

i think you may be in an emotionally abusive situation and this could impede your recovery and independence. i agree that this needs to be discussed with sponsor and program. you need your support to work through this.

moving out is more important than your car or license or anything else. you need to move out NOW and then work on the other stuff.

OPINION: as tough as it sounds, you are a grown man and you can't go back to your parents to pick up the pieces, you have to do it with resources outside of them (sponsor, program, friends, church). It sounds like a practical idea to be there with them, but it is a corrosive solution.

Music

33 years old and living in your parents house. It's their house. You live by their rules or you MOVE OUT!! Another poster mentioned "child abuse." WHAT????? Abuse?? The job of a parent is to get his/her children ready for go out on their own. Apparently nothing has worked here. If you don't like the way you're being treated......MOVE OUT!!

michaelj

Earlybird,
Move out as soon as possible. Your mother is clearly trying to dominate your life and keep you under her control. Perhaps her experience of your alcoholism is such that she blames herself and this makes her think that she failed to bring you up correctly when you were a child. She is trying to redeem that "failure" now by treating you like a child again.
I think you should sit down with her and calmly explain your take on the situation. Tell her you will move out at the earliest opportunity. Your sobriety is too valuable to jeopardise and the pressure this is putting you under is terribly unfair.
I wish you well and hope you find a place real soon.
Michael

earlybird

I know what you're saying, but, my point is this: Why does it HAVE to be like this while Im here? I know its their house. I know its THEIR rules. All that I am saying is that the rules dont HAVE to be this ridiculous. I moved out under the understanding that I would be here while I rebuild my life. Get a year sober under my belt ( check, did that) save up and pay a bankruptcy lawyer to get me from under all my debt ( check, did that ) Get a good paying full time job ( Check, did that ) Save up to pay a lawyer to get my license back to drive ( Check, did that ) Save up for a car ( in the process ) And the final thing is to save up for my new apartment. All these things I have done according to the plan I sat down and made WITH my parents when I got out of the treatment center. I have lived up to EVERYTHING I said thus far. So I take your little comment " 33 and living with parents" as an insult. Im not some loser, dead beat, no-ambition, 33 yr old bum who just couldnt hack it in the real world, so he moves back in with Mom and Dad. You are leaving out the fact that I had my own place for years. I moved back in with them for support in my sobriety and to get on my feet.

wozzek

I am sure Music is capable of "defending" his statement but ONLY insult I can see here is what your parents are doing to you! The people never cease to amuse me with their cruelty, insensitivity and stupidity but what you are going through with them is a shame for them!

You've done all you have promised to do and you should be PROUD of yourself for yourself and yourself only! You don't have to torture yourself with this constant "WHY" (why are they like this, why those "rules" have to be so ridicilous...) regarding them.

It is painful to cope with them and it is going to be more painful once when you leave (you should leave immediately - maybe you might wish to give them only one chance; print all this discussion here and present it to them but ONLY if you are ready to leave in the middle of discussion with them) but some people are just a bloodless, cruel people even if they are part of our own families.

Don't be subjected to their cruelty anymore. You do not need to "understand" them, move on, respect and love them. But from the distance that you need to regain the full control of your life. You are doing FANTASTIC, given the circumstances.

AndrewBeen

It has been SO hard for me to accept the fact that some of those I loved the most were not in a position to contribute to my recovery.

Recovery involves some painful internal and historical examinations. This is invariably threatening to parents. The often respond with passive aggression and attempts to keep things repressed.

It might sound like psychobabble, but I think these strange rules are more than just rules, they represent something else: your mom's attempts to undermine your dignity as an adult.

earlybird

I read that and thought "YEAH !" Thats what Ive been thinking but couldnt come up with the words to describe it. She played a certain "role" in the dynamic of me drinking. Like most family members do. One is the enabler or one is the person who covers up and one is the one who takes on more responsibilities to pick up slack the alcoholic is letting go. Well Ive read that once the addict gets sober, the family members roles MUST change or else they dont fit into the sober dynamic anymore. This is what Al-Anon is for. Well my mom refuses to go to that. She just doesnt know where she fits into my life ( the sober me). So she just treats me like she used to when I was still drinking. Terrible.

I try and explain this and she says AA is all bullsh*t. That its important to me in helping me stay sober but thats as far as it goes. Her and my Dad always say that ( when we get into a fight ) that I just need something to talk about at my whiny meeting. Sometimes she calls them "Pitty Parties". They say "Oh it must be Monday,.....meeting night,.....have to have something to tell them at your little pitty party" This infuriates me. It belittles A.A. AND me. Its definately a button they like to push of mine.