Brookie

Thanks Best. That means a lot to me. I really am very grateful to be back right now, particularly after reading a post like that.

Gabe

Roll with it Angus.

Chy

Really good to see you back. The only I know of it to work is to do it for you. Looks like you've got a good plan.

Suomi Poika

Brookie,

You and I got here about the same time last year.

I would guess I'm probably about 20 years older than you -- I'm quickly gaining on 60. The slope wasn't real steep, but I did finally get to the top -- or was it the bottom?

From a "problem" standpoint, I would guess I am two to three years ahead of you -- I seriously started quitting over 4 years ago.

I have mostly been lurking for the past couple of months, but, as you may know, we moved way further into the wilderness (awful dial-up, and no chance of DSL or other broadband for a while). My wife and I now commute over 150 miles a day. But, that is not all bad -- except for gas prices.

Your points at the very beginning of this post include several that they taught when I started a hospital sponsored program. I don't know that one point is more important than another, but getting all the alcohol out of your possible reach is a real biggie.

The nearest liquor store is now at least 20 miles away. Oh sure, I could get beer at the gas station, but my wife is usually with me when we fill up. We still entertain a reasonable amount, and our guests still like to imbibe. We have a lot to offer here in the middle of nowhere, so we have a fair number of guests. However, if we have guests, we explain that we are a long way from nowhere, and we just ask them to bring the wine, or other preferred beverages for dinner, and special beverages for before and after -- and we'll provide the rest. But, when we are doing the cleanup, or certainly when we do the breakfast cleanup, we pour all alcoholic leftovers down the drain. Last weekend, it was some pretty high quality Scotch, plus some pretty good wine -- oh well, the nematodes and other creatures in the drain field were probably pretty happy for a while.

Oh, there is still some various alcohol in the pantry, mostly miniatures or some stuff that tastes just awful -- or collectors items that I would never dare touch. It is in the same class as Listerine. I wouldn't worry too much about special, un-opened bottles.

I've been married for over 30 years. There is absolutely nothing on this earth more important to me than my wife and our marriage. It took a lot of energy to approach her about my problem. It took a lot of convincing that I had a problem. I hid my problem a lot better than I ever thought I actually had. (To this day, my grown kids don't know of my issues with alcohol.) My wife is my number one ally, and my number one protector, without being overbearing.

As for sponsors, I didn't do AA -- other than trying it a few times -- the local groups weren't for me. But, I do have some very good friends who did/do AA, and other programs. Two are my employees. We all know each other's history, and we mostly know each other's weaknesses. We can be pretty harsh on each other at times. I guess they could be considered sponsors, but I consider them mentors. My oldest brother is included in this group – he did the program before me. It is amazing what insight a lunch or breakfast with one or more of these mentors can bring.
At least for some pre-determined time, like 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, or a year – give it up. Tell several people, especially your wife, and maybe your kids. It is amazing the pressure you can put on yourself by telling people what you are about to do.

As I said, I still imbibe – good or bad. I got to SR 12 months ago because I went too far overboard. I'd been sober for quite a while. I went fishing, by myself, in the wilderness for a week during the second week of August last year. I stopped for gas, a six-pack, and some bait a year ago. I went back for a 12-pack. Then I went back again.

I caught some fish, and I started over again. It has been a complicated year. But, I am far removed from where I was four years ago. A year from now, I would hope you can say you are a long way from where you were two years ago!

In a couple of days, I'm on my way to Maine to meet a sober lobster for dinner. The couple we are going with met in rehab many years ago, so I feel relatively safe.

Regards,

Toivo

P.S. The fishing has been relentless here in WV this spring and summer. The deer peer in the breakfast nook in the mornings. Texas has nothing on us!!! – well, except you might have bigger hurricanes than we get here in WV!

Pick-a-name

opps..typo...see below

Pick-a-name

I did check it out, and here is what I found...........intense stuff! Thanks.


Holes
by Townes Van Zandt

"The old woman finally caught me
Sneakin' 'round her cave
Her hair looked just like barbwire, boys
and her smile just like the grave
She asked me could I stay awhile
I said I'd better go
She slid her arm around my neck
and sweetly whispered no


It's cold and dark and lonely here
as soon enough you'll see
I'm oh so glad you stumbled in
I've been cravin' company
I cannot stay too long you know
I left some friends at home
Don't you fret about your friends
Down here we're all alone


What about my mother
I can't just leave her there to mourn
You don't have to think about her
Just forget you were ever born
I'll disappoint my father
you know he worked so hard for me
If you have to pay your father back
Just send him some misery





I'll miss, I said, a girl I know
I can't just leave there to pine
she's still got plenty of men to go
I'm sure she'll do just fine
What about my little boy
She said, he's just like you
Let a few short years roll by
He'll end up down here too


Then her pale green eyes began to glow
she placed her hand on mine
she smiled and said don't worry
you'll get used to me in time
As her cold tongue flickered toward
I spun myself around
made a dive for the passageway
but the walls come crashing down


Now her eyes were the only light
my fevered brain could see
but I tore myself away from them
and fell down to my knees
I've come too far, I can't get back
I beseeched the Gods of men
fame and fortune just laughed at me
then silence once again


A whisper deep within
embrace the God of Love
I lifted my face and through the tears
I saw light fall from above


I hurled myself into the wall
I ripped and clawed my way
through the stinkin', clingin' loam
back to the light of day
I crawled out into the wind again
the sky upon my face
I heard the earth sigh patiently
as it slid back into place


Now I'm back among the ones I love
I'm loved by them in turn
and it's only on the darkest night
that green eyed memory burns
So walk my friends, in the light of day
don't go sneakin' 'round no holes
there justmight be something down there
wants to gobble up your soul."

Sazzer

Hi Joe! I just started posting this week -- sober 5 days. I went to my first AA meeting last night in a way against my will. I made the decision to quit on Tuesday. Something grabbed a hold of me and gave me a good shake. For the first time, I was able to let go of the shame I felt about my drinking and realize I have a disease. A disease. I can't protect myself from it. I could either surrender to it, or "Let Go and Let God". Shame free, my HP was working through me to take the first steps. Tell a friend. Tell my family. Come here. Go to AA. I was making excuses on my way to that meeting -- I was going to be a little late. "It's rude to show up late to meetings." "I can't find parking." "I'll catch the next one." "I don't even know where it is." "There's someone standing outside the door. I don't think I can ask if this is where Alcoholics Anonymous meets." I made deals with myself. "If I find a parking spot on the street where the meeting is held, I'll go. If not, it's a sign that I'm not supposed to go." But I drove there, late, mad as hell and screaming at other drivers. I didn't find parking on that street, but I drove around to the next block and found something. I was afraid of that guy standing outside. I was afraid to ask, but I did. He was a little rude, which usually would have deterred me. I went in anyway. I'm really glad I did. I'm planning to go again tomorrow and I know that I'll have the same fights, but I also know that my HP will be there with me because I asked for help.

All the best to you! Pray. Ask for help. Make that decision. The rest will take care of itself.

Looking forward to getting to know you (and others!)

Saz

Brookie

Been there, done that Sazzer. Welcome to SR. Glad to know you, and thanks for the good advice.

Today marks two weeks sober for me, which is a particular accomplishment given that I'm on vacation right now. I'm in Colorado, near Durango, about to leave to drive over to Denver. Having a great trip. I spent four years living in the Denver area. This trip has got us talking seriously about heading back.

So far, this time has been easier for me than the last time. I haven't been struggling with cravings nearly as badly, so far. It's only two weeks, but its progress. I think a lot of it is attitude. Just a matter of being grateful for the sobriety, rather than resentful. It really is better.

Just thought I'd check in and say howdy. Hope everyone's doing well.

Best,
Joe

Don S

From what I've heard, this wouldn't set you apart much from other Boston drivers.
Great story, Saz! It illustrates how we try to talk ourselves out of forward progress on sobriety--and how you overcame that.
Thanks for posting,
Don S

Sazzer

Brookie - Colorado is where my heart is! I was born there, grew up on the Eastern Plains, went to CU-Boulder. Have a great rest of your trip!

So, although I have acclimated to the Boston driver's way of life, it is still against my inner being! It's wicked crazy out there!

Sarah

Dan

Yet another reason to visit Boston...
I love driving among the crazies
Great story Sarah.

Brookie

Sarah - I'm a Buffalo too. CU Law school, class of 2000. Moo!

I'm holed up in a hotel in Louisville right now. I can see the Flatirons from my window as I write this. I love that town. If I could afford to live there, I'd be there in a heartbeat. Hoping to go to Rocky Mountain Joe's (on Pearl) for breakfast tomorrow.

Best,
Joe

Dan

This explains the smell and those funny little insects hovering in here all of a sudden...

historyteach

Congrats on TWO WEEKS, Joe!!! :
And have a great vacation!
Shalom!

Sazzer

It's a stampede!!

Don W

Welcome back Brookie, I know, that research can be a killer. The good news is there are many 1st time people posting lately. Maybe you can share your research with them. This way they won't need to. You've always had so much to add to these boards. Welcome back, God has Blessed you and us with you. Don W

icecream pete

Hi Joe , how are you doing? You mentioned step one in your first post, I really struggled with that until recently. My take on it was " OK I admit defeat so that means I cant win, so that means I just have to keep drinking"

I now have a totally different view of it.

If I get in the ring with Mike Tyson he is going to beat the cr*p out of me and will every time I get into that ring. So, I admit defeat and walk away from the ring, why on earth would I get back in time and time again only to be beaten to a pulp? When I go anywhere I might be tempted I just remind my self of this comparison and it makes sense again.

(Sorry Mike if you are reading this!).

Glad you are doing well.

Pete

fraankie

how are you doing now?

Brookie

Thanks for asking Fraankie. To be honest, I'm in "keep coming back" mode. I made it about a week to 10 days after starting this thread. Not offering excuses. I want it, but as Music and others have rightly pointed out, the proof of wanting it badly enough will be when I do the work to stop.

Maybe I'll try to make a meeting tonight. It would certainly do me some good.