Rimmy

Just to start, please don't say "WE" need a group or therapy or help together... she just won't do it. 'nuff said about that.

This is my fourth day sober, and my wife liked me better before. Those who know me know I drank all day, but only bud light and never enough to make me staggering or passing out (10 min cat naps sometimes). Got a family, cars, etc...

Well I stopped and I'm getting lots done, and being myself. Guess she don't like who I really am. All morning, she's like, "what's wrong?".. "Why are you so miserable?" and I keep telling her that I'm fine. It's hot out and I'm building a shed and that's about it.... not to mention I wouldn't mind a beer, but hell, it's barely on my mind...

So I come in to see what the plans are tonight for fireworks and she tells me... and her cousin is coming who's sort of annoying, so I was just like... eehhhhh... all right...

and right away... "what's wrong with you?"

If I were drinking, I would have talked her ear off about why her cousin bugs me till she told me to shut up and go away...

either way, we went back and forth, and she told me she liked be better when I was drinking, so I grabbed a beer, slammed it, crushed it, threw it in the garbage.... I can still slam'em when necessary...

I said, "there... is that what you want? you want a drunk? I'm a different person for a while till I adjust... Thanks for hte support" and I walked out... she took the dog for a walk...

is this normal crap cause it sucks... and no, I havn't been miserable... only when she keeps asking me what's wrong.. sure, I've yet to get used to being "elated" and "Mr. Fun Guy" sober, but it will come...

Damn...

Had to bitch... really upset...

Rimmy

yeah... this is a wierd thing... I'm glad I'm not alone

historyteach

Rimmy;
I think you're trying to do the right thing for yourself.
Congratulations on that!
Just remember. Your body has been used to the consumption of alot of alcohol - lite beer or not, it's alcohol.
Your body will need time to adjust to NOT comsuming that alcohol. And you WILL feel better! Read around these posts! Look who's feeling better and who still feels like sh!t. The one's with some clean time feel better!
Now, please don't let her questionings get to you. Just recognize that you are behaving differently because you are NOT drunk or *feeling good.* You are sober and your body needs time to adjust.
Also, don't use her nagging as a reason to drink. Yea, it's in all the jokes, in the movies, on tv and in stories.
But, the reality is YOU picked up the beer and drank it.
Go for a walk next time.
Or better yet, have you tried a meeting? Not for the both of you, but for YOU.
There, you will get the support you need while your body adjusts to this new feeling of sobriety.
I wish you the best of luck. Others will be around later -- holiday weekend and such. But, they WILL be here!
Shalom!

historyteach

Stormy;
"Thinking clearly is a big deal and sometimes I just want to be alone with my thoughts. "
There's a saying in AA. It goes something like this....
"The mind is a dangerous place. Don't go there alone! "
Share what's on your mind. Isolating with your thoughts is not a good sign. You need someone to bounce things off of.
Wishing you luck...
Shalom!

Rimmy

Thanks.. for the quick responses

But I've told her that I need time to adjust... I havn't been perfect... I'm learning how to deal with anxiety, nervousness, wants, needs, etc.. all over again.. not to mention... hell, I'd love a beer... damn

How do I get her to see that. And does it take weeks, months???? I did more in the last two days than I did the previous week when I binged again...

and stormyautumn... hang in there too. YOU are not alone either! (11 + years together)

historyteach

Yep, It will take time to relearn those coping skills that were drowned in beer before. I really can't tell you how long it will take.
But, you can take it One Day At a Time. 24 hours. That's all.
Have you thought about going to AA meetings? It doesn't have to concern your wife. Right now, this is about you. Your health.
Best of luck; keep coming here and posting.
Shalom!

Rimmy

Thanks both of you...

I'm going to go talk to her, and try to get her to understand that I REALLY just need time for my brain to adjust. I just think she's afraid of losing the goofy fun guy because I'm being serious... I'll promise her I'll try to lighten up, but I ain't dancin'.

Stormy, I'm sorry to hear that he controls things. I hope that you will be able to keep seeing clearly and either make changes happen or move on (if that is an option). My thoughts are with you today.. I hope you have a happy sober 4'th.

tyler

It does take awhile Rimmy. I knew that was a fear of mine when I first thought about getting sober, that my wife wouldn't like me. Of course I just waited until things got so bad that we are divorced now, so that problem kinda solved itself! Wouldn't really recomend this approach!! Like teach said, you are doing this for you, and ultimately she will just have to learn to deal with it. Of course that doesn't give you permission to go around acting like a *ick!! But it has to be important to you and I think eventually she will come around and be supportive. I know when I first quit smoking, I was a real bear to be around for at least a couple of weeks. Stoned, I was real easy to get along with because, well I was stoned all the time!! Good luck Rimmy, you got to make that committment to not drink, no matter what to make it work!! Take care!!

historyteach

Changes, even good changes, are sometimes stressful and fearful. You know the old saying, "the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know." Perhaps you are right; she could be afraid she is going to loose the goofy fun guy she married. That's a fair fear, isn't it?
But, your health is more important. And with a little time, and a little reassurance, she may just like the new and improved goofy fun guy she married.
And you'll be dancing before you know it!!!
Shalom!

Chy

Have her read the chapter "The Family Afterward" from the Big Book, if you don't have a BB, you can print one out online. Our partners don't understand but this may help. Take care of you an congrats!

Music

Well, here's my take. First I'd suggest you both read "The Family Afterwards" in the Big Book of AA.
Second, you're going through some changes and there's probably some fear involved. Will I succeed? What will I be like sober? Well, your SOs are going through the same changes and asking the same questions. They know how to handle you when you're drinking. They don't know how to handle you being sober...neither do you two. So, if you want to get sober and stay that way, don't discuss drinking with each other, and just do what you need to do to get sober....whatever that is. My wife went to AA almost a year before I did. Some friends of hers in the program talked to me and suggested I help her. I love her and so I went to Al-anon. They knew where I belonged too but never said a word. She went to her meetings. We didn't discuss the program in any way. When I came into AA, we went our separate ways for a while and that was necessary. We had to develope our own programs, independent of each other. So far today, it's working.

Rimmy

thanks guys...

well, talking to her didn't work...

yeah... just let it go...

Dan

You probably drank cuz you love alcohol, and how it makes you feel.
You know what's the most important thing right now, day four is it...
How you feel about being sober. The rest... it's like the wallpaper on the wall.
It doesn't matter.

minnie

How about posting this on the RAPS forum? You may get some input from both sides of the equation.

Minnie
xx

p.s. If you answer "I'm fine" to her questions, when it is obvious that you're acting differently, then this will undoubtedly fuel her fear. It's a woman thing.

Cap3

Hey Rimmy,you say,i've yet to get used to being "elated" and Mr.Fun Guy,sober,but it will come.Congrats on 4 days,,ways to go!!!!!.For myself,i needed to do more than put down the drink.Great start,but i needed tools to learn how to live sober.I had a living problem.I needed recovery and found it in the AA program.The fellowship,of folks who have been where i am,and living happy effective lives,sober.Ive been in program for a few years,.And yet if my hubby came in here laughing his head off,for the next half hour,i would ask what is wrong with you?Doesn't mean something is "wrong" with him.Just means he is different than what i know off and about him.I know my spouce pretty well,and when he acts different i ask.Its my problem here.I feel like im losing something of what i thought that i knew,,lol,if this makes sence...And yet we change all the time...First things first,is your soberiety.By your new behaviour your wife will come to terms that you are now a new man,sober.Takes time.Try to be patient,with her,for she is going through changes too.
Keep on keeping on,
You and your wife are no longer all alone.You may want to suggest al-anon to her,to help her with her own recovery..Alcoholism is the family disease.
Go, One Day At A time...Any person can fight the battles of just one day.its when we go from ,the sorrows,of,yesterday,and the dread of what, tomorrow,may being,that we break down.Therefore,Live one day at a time.
Prayers for you both.
God Bless,take care!!!!!!!!

Rimmy

Your input means a lot...

I feel like I came in here bitching, but I really was upset and it's nice to have a place to turn. And happenstance had it that stormyautumn and historyteach were here at that moment... thank you.

Dan, I know what you mean. But it's hard to think of it that way when these people are so close to me... I was feeling like I was a success and all of a sudden, I was letting those closest to me down somehow... I couldn't just shun it off... you know what I mean, but I also know what you mean :-)

Minnie, thanks for the advice and the "womens" perspective... I did finally get her to understand that as a couple, WE have to adjust... it's not all on my shoulders to stop drinking and be exactly who I was... and my step mother (like a mom to me) stepped in also. She was married to an alcoholic for years who died of liver sirosis and she gave her perspective on it... well, I didn't seem so bad for being a little "off" in the big picture after that...

Cap3, that makes sense to me. "Alcoholism is the family disease" is the phrase I will use if she doesn't understand me again.

Bottom line, I am sober. I am happy. I am proud.

Sorry for bitchin' yesterday but I was in a pinch and you were here... thanks so much.

I hope things are ok for you today stormyautumn.

regards,
Aaron

Dan

Yeah, I do Aaron. I really do.
And thanks for posting again. It shows me the internal work we need to do sometimes, to get on the right emotional track.
I like your bottom line, man.