alone
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: new mexico
Posts: 242
alone
I would like to stop drinking. I drink wine everynight. I am tired and depressed. I have 4 children. My 13 year old is schizophrenic and in and out of the hospital. He was also sodomized when he was 6 in a treatment center by two older boys. My husband is dead. I came home from work and found him dead in bed at 39. Excuses for drinking? Maybe, but I just cant deal with everything and cant imagine not coming home from my job and not having some wine. My 19 year old daughter is having surgery this week. She also has a colicky baby. It seems as though, since my husband died I have no direction. I am dissapointed in myself as I am an intelligent person. I feel broken. Not a week goes by where there is not some major problem so my solution is to drink cheap wine every night. Before my husband died I was married to an abusive (probably parinoid sczophrenic) man for 6 years. This is the father of my ill child. I grieve for my husband because he was my best friend. I know this is not the right way to do it because I am just trying to hide from my life because its too much.
I went two weeks not drinking over Christmas, which is a bad time of the year because thats when my husband died. I had just started wellbutrin and didnt want to have a siezure. I guess now I know it wont give me a siezure.
Thanks for listening. Sorry for being so wordy.
Sidney
I went two weeks not drinking over Christmas, which is a bad time of the year because thats when my husband died. I had just started wellbutrin and didnt want to have a siezure. I guess now I know it wont give me a siezure.
Thanks for listening. Sorry for being so wordy.
Sidney
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sidney
I just want to welcome you and to tell you that this is a great place to talk to people about recovery.
You cannot undo the past, but the future is yours to make beautiful, if you are willing to try.
I am from the anon boards, and can't help you much here, but others will be along soon and can share their experience strength and hope with you.
Welcome.
I just want to welcome you and to tell you that this is a great place to talk to people about recovery.
You cannot undo the past, but the future is yours to make beautiful, if you are willing to try.
I am from the anon boards, and can't help you much here, but others will be along soon and can share their experience strength and hope with you.
Welcome.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Welcome Sidney,
Here is a message board for widows. Maybe it will offer comfort while you experience your grief.
http://www.fortnet.org/cgi-bin/ubb/ultimatebb.cgi
Also others will be along with suggestions concerning your desire to quit drinking.
Hugs,
MG
Here is a message board for widows. Maybe it will offer comfort while you experience your grief.
http://www.fortnet.org/cgi-bin/ubb/ultimatebb.cgi
Also others will be along with suggestions concerning your desire to quit drinking.
Hugs,
MG
Member
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: USA
Posts: 122
Dear sidney,
Welcome. There is a solution. You are not alone. I know you are hurting and it may seem that life will never get better but it can.
49 days ago I was hurting so badly. The booze and drugs were no longer working. I wanted to die. I couldn't live with drugs or alcohol and couldn't seem to live without them. My life seemed hopeless and the only way I knew to make myself not feel the pain ceased to work and only caused me more problems. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Keep reading and posting here. Have you ever gone to an AA meeting? The phone number is in the phone book. The person on that line can explain to you about open or closed meetings and tell you where they are in your area or just talk to you if you need to. The only desire for membership in AA is the desire to stop drinking. I had to admit I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable.
You don't have to keep it all inside. There are people here and in the rooms of AA who understand what you are going through and have learned how to live happy, productive lives without the use of alcohol. There is hope.
I still have problems but today I don't drink over them. I am doing much better even though I still have days I want to drink. I am trying to face everything and recover, not forget everything and run. My way did not work. I am in early sobriety, it is not easy but it is the best thing I have ever done. Take things one day at a time. I am an alcoholic. I have an incurable disease but through abstinence from alcohol I can recover. For me one drink is too many and 1000 is never enough.
Hadenuff
Welcome. There is a solution. You are not alone. I know you are hurting and it may seem that life will never get better but it can.
49 days ago I was hurting so badly. The booze and drugs were no longer working. I wanted to die. I couldn't live with drugs or alcohol and couldn't seem to live without them. My life seemed hopeless and the only way I knew to make myself not feel the pain ceased to work and only caused me more problems. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Keep reading and posting here. Have you ever gone to an AA meeting? The phone number is in the phone book. The person on that line can explain to you about open or closed meetings and tell you where they are in your area or just talk to you if you need to. The only desire for membership in AA is the desire to stop drinking. I had to admit I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable.
You don't have to keep it all inside. There are people here and in the rooms of AA who understand what you are going through and have learned how to live happy, productive lives without the use of alcohol. There is hope.
I still have problems but today I don't drink over them. I am doing much better even though I still have days I want to drink. I am trying to face everything and recover, not forget everything and run. My way did not work. I am in early sobriety, it is not easy but it is the best thing I have ever done. Take things one day at a time. I am an alcoholic. I have an incurable disease but through abstinence from alcohol I can recover. For me one drink is too many and 1000 is never enough.
Hadenuff
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: new mexico
Posts: 242
thankful for responses
Dear Anns, Morning Glory and Hadenuff,
Thank you so much for responding to my despondent letter. I feel no self-pity so thats not the problem. I am constantly overwhelmed and wine is how I have chosen to deal with it.
Morning Glory , I did visit the websight you posted and it is excellent. I havnt come across a grief site with so much direction. Actually, I have only joined one site and it was a depression group. I got some support but couldnt handle the posts where people were actually useless. Unemployed, cant get out of bed. Not to undermine depression, I just seem to be able to be very depressed and still go to work and take care of my kids. Jared, the schizophrenic child has taken any normalcy my other kids may have had as children,plus the unexpected death of my husband.
I want to change but am alone and not sure I am strong enough. I hate the evenings. I hate coming home to cooking dinner and a possibly acute schizophrenic child. I hate it all.
I could go on but I wont do that to you guys. mostly I just wanted to thank you and if Im not on the right board then please point me in the right direction.
Sidney
Thank you so much for responding to my despondent letter. I feel no self-pity so thats not the problem. I am constantly overwhelmed and wine is how I have chosen to deal with it.
Morning Glory , I did visit the websight you posted and it is excellent. I havnt come across a grief site with so much direction. Actually, I have only joined one site and it was a depression group. I got some support but couldnt handle the posts where people were actually useless. Unemployed, cant get out of bed. Not to undermine depression, I just seem to be able to be very depressed and still go to work and take care of my kids. Jared, the schizophrenic child has taken any normalcy my other kids may have had as children,plus the unexpected death of my husband.
I want to change but am alone and not sure I am strong enough. I hate the evenings. I hate coming home to cooking dinner and a possibly acute schizophrenic child. I hate it all.
I could go on but I wont do that to you guys. mostly I just wanted to thank you and if Im not on the right board then please point me in the right direction.
Sidney
Guest
Posts: n/a
Sidney,
You're on the right board. I understand how drinking takes the edge off of all of this, but there are other ways to deal. Sounds like you have anxiety and maybe an anti-anxiety medication will help. I work with developmentally disabled adult men with high behaviors and I'm starting soon to work with teenagers with higher behaviors. I know how stressful that can be. Raising children and working is in itself stressful. You have a lot going on. Is there anyway you could get away and go to AA meetings. It might kill two birds with one stone. You get to get out and get the support and education you need to quit drinking.
Please feel free to post and read the posts on all of the boards.
See your doctor and see if he can help. I recently started taking prozac and all though I don't like it and may try something else it does help take the edge off.
I know how you feel. I raised my kids alone after their father died. My son had ADHD and was a real handful for me.(and still is) Hang in there. It does get better.
Hugs,
MG
You're on the right board. I understand how drinking takes the edge off of all of this, but there are other ways to deal. Sounds like you have anxiety and maybe an anti-anxiety medication will help. I work with developmentally disabled adult men with high behaviors and I'm starting soon to work with teenagers with higher behaviors. I know how stressful that can be. Raising children and working is in itself stressful. You have a lot going on. Is there anyway you could get away and go to AA meetings. It might kill two birds with one stone. You get to get out and get the support and education you need to quit drinking.
Please feel free to post and read the posts on all of the boards.
See your doctor and see if he can help. I recently started taking prozac and all though I don't like it and may try something else it does help take the edge off.
I know how you feel. I raised my kids alone after their father died. My son had ADHD and was a real handful for me.(and still is) Hang in there. It does get better.
Hugs,
MG
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Hello Sidney.
Welcome to the forum.We are very happy to have you.Please post as often as you like and make them as long as you like.
I am an alcoholic and in the latter years of my using I could not imagine living my life without alcohol because life had become much too unbearable for me and my problems seemed so great and unmanagable.
I did not know at the time that a lot of my problems were an indirect result of my drinking and that many of them were problems that millions of people had to face everyday and find solutions for.
Alcohol left me feeling trapped and made a lot of my issues seem worse than they really were.
I was lonely, hurt,angry and afraid and I drowned my feelings everynight in a sea of alcohol.I desperately wanted to stop drinking but could'nt possibly imagine living without something that had been with me nearly my entire life.
In desperation I found Alcoholics Anonymous and met people who suffered with problems that were similar to mine and problems that were far greater than mine.I met people who had lost everything and yet were still able to smile and to share a message of hope with me.
I stayed with that group of people who were willing to listen to me and not judge me and share a cup of coffee with me and I allowed those people to love me because at the time I could not even love myself.
That group of people taught me something which has come to be of tremendous value to me today.
They taught me gratitude
We all have our loads to carry and God knows the load gets heavy sometimes and sometimes I just cant carry it on my own.Thats why I come here and why I attend AA meetings.I need the support of other people who have found a better way to deal with life other than drinking booze.
I have not had a drink in five years and I still have problems.The difference is though I am sober and finding ways to cope with the problems.
Please consider giving AA a try.They can help you in ways you cant possibly imagine right now.
In the meantime keep coming back.You are not alone.
Peter
Welcome to the forum.We are very happy to have you.Please post as often as you like and make them as long as you like.
I am an alcoholic and in the latter years of my using I could not imagine living my life without alcohol because life had become much too unbearable for me and my problems seemed so great and unmanagable.
I did not know at the time that a lot of my problems were an indirect result of my drinking and that many of them were problems that millions of people had to face everyday and find solutions for.
Alcohol left me feeling trapped and made a lot of my issues seem worse than they really were.
I was lonely, hurt,angry and afraid and I drowned my feelings everynight in a sea of alcohol.I desperately wanted to stop drinking but could'nt possibly imagine living without something that had been with me nearly my entire life.
In desperation I found Alcoholics Anonymous and met people who suffered with problems that were similar to mine and problems that were far greater than mine.I met people who had lost everything and yet were still able to smile and to share a message of hope with me.
I stayed with that group of people who were willing to listen to me and not judge me and share a cup of coffee with me and I allowed those people to love me because at the time I could not even love myself.
That group of people taught me something which has come to be of tremendous value to me today.
They taught me gratitude
We all have our loads to carry and God knows the load gets heavy sometimes and sometimes I just cant carry it on my own.Thats why I come here and why I attend AA meetings.I need the support of other people who have found a better way to deal with life other than drinking booze.
I have not had a drink in five years and I still have problems.The difference is though I am sober and finding ways to cope with the problems.
Please consider giving AA a try.They can help you in ways you cant possibly imagine right now.
In the meantime keep coming back.You are not alone.
Peter
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: new mexico
Posts: 242
getting used to this board.
Sorry Morning Glory,
I checked my email and didnt understand to come back here.
I will catch on eventually. I take Klonipin for anxiety, I do see a psychiatrist. I had to because the stress of dealing wilh Jared was making it so I coulnt even keep food down. So I take the Klonipin and wellbutrin. Im not sure about the wellbutrin. You are a stronger woman than me.
Sidney
I checked my email and didnt understand to come back here.
I will catch on eventually. I take Klonipin for anxiety, I do see a psychiatrist. I had to because the stress of dealing wilh Jared was making it so I coulnt even keep food down. So I take the Klonipin and wellbutrin. Im not sure about the wellbutrin. You are a stronger woman than me.
Sidney
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: new mexico
Posts: 242
AA groups
I have given this much thought. My problem with going to the groups is I cant leave my house. I work, if Im lucky I get through a full work day. I HAVE to get home immediatly to take care of the schizophrenic child. I dont have the freedom to go anywhere. Unless he is in the hospital (which he isnt in now) I cant do anything. I pray I can get through a day without the school calling and I send my older kids to buy groceries. They cant watch Jared because they are too close to him and it sets him off. Its a messy situation that I an searching for a solution to. Ive had the police here twice to help me with him and at times I am black and blue from trying to take care of him. He is only getting bigger. I hate my life and Im mad at my husband for dying because I need a man . Im not strong enough. Its a vicious circle. So this is what I do. I drink wine at night. I havnt had much tonight, two glasses, so Im not drunk, in fact I rarely get drunk I just drink every night.
Thank you
Sidney
Thank you
Sidney
Paused
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: l.a.
Posts: 5
Wow Sidney, your pain and anguish really come right through the page. I can relate to what you're saying. It sounds like you're in "maintenance drinking" where you're just drinking to numb yourself, the thrill is long gone.
I know that feeling. I drank five to seven beers every night for years (with a few exceptions each month), and this year I vowed at the beginning I wouldn't drink, and it's been a pretty good year though I slipped about twenty times from jan to aug, but tomorrow i'll have 60 straight days of sobriety, and I'm excited and proud about that, though wouldn't you know it I've had cravings all day today, yesterday, and several times in the last week. The first month was somehow really easy and the second month was rough. Anyway, i am at a point where i pretty much will do anything to avoid taking another drug of any kind ever again, and i have high hopes this time's the charm.
Being in such early sobriety myself, i don't know i could dispense advice. All i can tell you is if you throw into other fun activities besides drinking, watch a movie, read a book, go for a walk or drive, go to the gym, overeat (hey it's better than getting drunk), smoke (again, not a good thing but better than getting drunk), play video games, just get out and about.
I am not really in your situation, though i have tons of problems, including constant financial problems, but i don't have to take of kids without a spouse and actually at this time i am not working, so i can focus on sobriety. but really, regardless of the situation everyone has problems, and everyone despite how many times they tried sobriety and failed, had that one time that it finally clicked and they never looked back. for me, i have tried to quit so many times i won't even go into it. i had 90 days sobriety last year in the early part of the year, then a very stressful event (actually devastating) triggered a relapse. Now I am on the eve of 60 days and i won't let anything blow that. i think part of the key is to keep yourself busy enough and dedicated enough to sobriety to enable a couple of wks to pass and your head will clear a bit and you will have some time under your belt and not want to give that up.
failing all this, you may want to look into medications like Antabuse and the like. basically, what im saying is just tell yourself you will do anything humanly possible not to drink, and focus on that like a laser beam. easier said than done, i know from experience, but it is possible, and it is the most worthwhile cause there is: reclaiming our lives, freeing ourselves from chemical slavery.
I know that feeling. I drank five to seven beers every night for years (with a few exceptions each month), and this year I vowed at the beginning I wouldn't drink, and it's been a pretty good year though I slipped about twenty times from jan to aug, but tomorrow i'll have 60 straight days of sobriety, and I'm excited and proud about that, though wouldn't you know it I've had cravings all day today, yesterday, and several times in the last week. The first month was somehow really easy and the second month was rough. Anyway, i am at a point where i pretty much will do anything to avoid taking another drug of any kind ever again, and i have high hopes this time's the charm.
Being in such early sobriety myself, i don't know i could dispense advice. All i can tell you is if you throw into other fun activities besides drinking, watch a movie, read a book, go for a walk or drive, go to the gym, overeat (hey it's better than getting drunk), smoke (again, not a good thing but better than getting drunk), play video games, just get out and about.
I am not really in your situation, though i have tons of problems, including constant financial problems, but i don't have to take of kids without a spouse and actually at this time i am not working, so i can focus on sobriety. but really, regardless of the situation everyone has problems, and everyone despite how many times they tried sobriety and failed, had that one time that it finally clicked and they never looked back. for me, i have tried to quit so many times i won't even go into it. i had 90 days sobriety last year in the early part of the year, then a very stressful event (actually devastating) triggered a relapse. Now I am on the eve of 60 days and i won't let anything blow that. i think part of the key is to keep yourself busy enough and dedicated enough to sobriety to enable a couple of wks to pass and your head will clear a bit and you will have some time under your belt and not want to give that up.
failing all this, you may want to look into medications like Antabuse and the like. basically, what im saying is just tell yourself you will do anything humanly possible not to drink, and focus on that like a laser beam. easier said than done, i know from experience, but it is possible, and it is the most worthwhile cause there is: reclaiming our lives, freeing ourselves from chemical slavery.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Sidney,
I think you are the strong one, lol. I don't ever work alone. You know we provide very good homes for our client's and are very protective and they have become like family. You may get to that point where placement may be the only option. You could start researching it and see what is available. Our families are still very involved in our client's lives so parent's are always welcome.
There are also services available in the family home too. You've taken on too much and can't do this forever. There is a solution. Just have faith and the answers will come.
You are welcome here and if it is the only way you can fellowship with others right now then it is better than being alone.
A lot of just come here to vent and let it out and get support so we can cope better.
Hugs,
MG
I think you are the strong one, lol. I don't ever work alone. You know we provide very good homes for our client's and are very protective and they have become like family. You may get to that point where placement may be the only option. You could start researching it and see what is available. Our families are still very involved in our client's lives so parent's are always welcome.
There are also services available in the family home too. You've taken on too much and can't do this forever. There is a solution. Just have faith and the answers will come.
You are welcome here and if it is the only way you can fellowship with others right now then it is better than being alone.
A lot of just come here to vent and let it out and get support so we can cope better.
Hugs,
MG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: new mexico
Posts: 242
too much
Everyone has told me I have taken on too much. What my job? My sick child, my other two children. No, placement is not an option for me. I have too much to do. If I went into a placement situation then I would loose my job, loose my house, loose what little respect I have for myself. (which isnt much). I have to be able to do this on my own and I feel I cant. Because I cant.
Sidney
Sidney
Last edited by sidney; 10-22-2002 at 10:12 PM.
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