Dear sidney,
Welcome. There is a solution. You are not alone. I know you are hurting and it may seem that life will never get better but it can.
49 days ago I was hurting so badly. The booze and drugs were no longer working. I wanted to die. I couldn't live with drugs or alcohol and couldn't seem to live without them. My life seemed hopeless and the only way I knew to make myself not feel the pain ceased to work and only caused me more problems. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Keep reading and posting here. Have you ever gone to an AA meeting? The phone number is in the phone book. The person on that line can explain to you about open or closed meetings and tell you where they are in your area or just talk to you if you need to. The only desire for membership in AA is the desire to stop drinking. I had to admit I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable.
You don't have to keep it all inside. There are people here and in the rooms of AA who understand what you are going through and have learned how to live happy, productive lives without the use of alcohol. There is hope.
I still have problems but today I don't drink over them. I am doing much better even though I still have days I want to drink. I am trying to face everything and recover, not forget everything and run. My way did not work. I am in early sobriety, it is not easy but it is the best thing I have ever done. Take things one day at a time. I am an alcoholic. I have an incurable disease but through abstinence from alcohol I can recover. For me one drink is too many and 1000 is never enough.
Hadenuff