Secondchances

I have just hit the wall and I don't know what to do anymore.

I have been struggling with addiction and depression for 30 years and, as a result, I have no life. I am in my mid 40s, no marriage, no SO, no children, no career (no job), no friends where I live, and I worry about what I have done to my health. I quit drinking and smoking for about 18 days, then started again. The pains in my side had gone away, and now they are back. A friend of mine suggested I take a prescription drug rather than drink, and I reached the point where I did both, and I don't know if it's ruined my pancreas or liver. This is the ONLY thing keeping me from drinking right now, the fear that tomorrow the pain will be worse and then what will I do.

I have become accustomed to just trying to get through each day trying to do as little damage as possible to myself, with no support, but I feel like I cannot do this anymore. To top it off, my dog drowned in my pool last week, my best friend's mother has terminal lung cancer, her sister has been committed to the psych ward, and every time I talk with my own aging parents, it's nothing more than complaints about their health or life. I try not to complain and just do the best I can, I try to be supportive to everyone, but there's been too much sadness and loss and not enough good. I am out of gas and right now I just feel scared.

I have gone to AA and don't feel like it's for me. I don't connect with the people there, for the most part, although I have met a few nice people. I don't buy into the "program," and hate being dishonest, but I feel pressured to either lie and say I do, or not go at all. I have no idea how to get a life where I live and I have no support. If I ended up in the hospital, there would be no one to even come and visit me.

I feel like my only alternative is to drink tonight, to try to escape this anxiety and fear I am having right now, but I am afraid I'll make the pain in my side worse. I am afraid to go to the Dr, because I don't want to hear I have ruined my health, plus I don't have good insurance.

Does anyone have any thoughts as to how I might pull out of this and move forward? Thanks.

michski

(((secondchances)))) Sheesh, you sound like you really are sick and tired of being sick and tired! The big book of AA refers to how you feel as "incomprehensible demoralization" I know because just 3 years ago I sounded pretty much the same as you and I also had pain in my stomach and side and had to be picked up off my living room floor. I did have friends but I had so grossed them out they didn't want to see me in the shape I was. My liver enzymes were 5 times normal and I was on the verge of pancreatitus. I had gall stones which was the pain on my right side... I had surgery to have them removed. The x-ray guy was horrified at the size of my liver and I remember the shame I felt when he asked me bluntly "how can you do that to yourself?" Yeah, it was tough. I lost a husband, sister, neice, cousin, mother, father and my very best friend all in the same 10 years and I drank thru all of their deaths... afraid to come to the surface for fear that I'd FEEL something.

That's the bad news.. The good news is I have 3 years clean and sober and I've never been happier in my life. Those addiction demons clawed through my shoulders into my soul and with the help of other addicts and alcoholics I am, today, a very happy camper. You gotta jump off the pity pot and do something to help yourself! Sounds like your body may well make the decision for you if you continue what you're doing. Get a medical detox and a support system. AA is such a great support system and I sincerely hope you'll give it another try. You'll be surprised at how other members thought of AA when they first went to meetings.. I know I had to put aside my "opinions and assumptions" because I needed those other drunks to save my life and amazingly enough they did! Stay clean long enough for your body to heal itself... the liquor stores and drug dealers/companies will still be there for you any time you want to return to your old ways. You've got nothing to lose except a whole lot of emotional pain and physical agony.
You don't have to wake up every day sick and tired..

Yours in sobriety,
Michele

CarolD

Hello Secondchances

I do hope you see a doctor soon. I had 3 frineds who died from untreated alcoholism. I was there.

They did not go peacefully into the dark void..but bleeding.. yellow.. screaming..convulsiving. Ugly!


Gee...I wish I had your youth!! What i could do with an extra 20 years!

Blessings..

Time4Me11

HI there Second Chance

Sorry to hear that you are in such pain now...still, I need to congratulate you on your recent 18 days sober. That is no small accomplishment, especially doing it alone.

You mentioned a couple things that caught my attention...I am going to make a pretty wild suggestion based on them...maybe its possible, maybe not...

You mentioned your best friend and the trouble she is having with her mother, etc. and that you have no friends or support where you are living. Is your friend a non drinker?? Could the two of you join forces now and see each other through this rough patch? Could you get out of your current location for awhile, which seems to be pretty gloomy to you and visit and help her out....she must be in a lot of turmoil concerning her mother. Maybe by helping her, some of your self pity will dissolve...you could get some simple support and a much needed change of venue for awhile.

Don't know if any of this is feasible...but, the idea screamed out to me!

Best Wishes.
L

lulu70

(((((((((((((((Secondchances))))))))))))))) I am sorry you are having such a tough time. Honestly? I suggest getting to a long-term treatment center ASAP. It could really help! And according to your post, what do you have to lose? There are places that would take you with no income and no insurance. I went to treatment and it was the best decision I have ever made for myself.

Best wishes--

michaelj

Hi Secondchances,

I am so sorry for the pain and upset you are going through, it must be very very hard. But there is a bright side, you have been sober for 18 days and that is a great accomplishment.
You were probably using alcohol as a psychological crutch and the loss of its "support" is hard to deal with but the great thing is that you have come to terms with the need for sobriety.
Now you have faced up to the problem with alcohol you should apply yourself to the problem of your health. The nagging worry you are feeling will drag you down slowly but surely and is a problem you don't need. Get off to your doctor and tell him your concerns. Tell him about your insurance worries, he is the expert, give him the professional decision to make...it's what he is paid for.
I would try AA again and I say that as someone who, like you, has found that it was not for me. The great thing about it though is that you will meet people, you need never be lonely and out of contact if you go to the meetings. If you do not get on with it nobody will stop you from leaving.
I truly and sincerely wish you the best, do get to the doctor though. If you are unwell treatment can be started, if your fears are unfounded you will be grinning from ear to ear. You can't lose!
Best wishes
Michael

Anna

Hi Second,

I am sorry for how you feel right now. I really can relate to your feelings of being overwhelmed and of hopelessness. But, when I finally stopped drinking, the anxiety and fear began to lift and I could cope with my feelings. I am also learning that serenity is being able to remain calm in the face of life's ups and downs. There will always be stuff going on in your life that's hard to cope with, but you can acquire a degree of serenity to get you through those times. You really can.

I'm not an AA person either, though I definitely know it works for many people. The main thing is to not drink. You can do this.

Love, Anna

findingout

I would second the idea of getting into some kind of long term treatment program. Lulu (somebody else), how would SecondChances go about finding and contacting these treatment centers that are available to those without income or insurance?

One Love,One Heart, Jah Bless,
Tony

Don W

As bad as it was, I think there is even a sence of loss with drinking. Just keep getting back up. You can win. Don W

Secondchances

Thank you all for your replies. You all had many great ideas. Regarding treatment, I have been in five different rehabs of one form or another. The only thing that might work at this point would be an IP program, but I have two pets and no one to look after them. The thought of putting them in a kennel for 30 days each doesn't appeal to me. Plus, after 5 rehabs you sort of realize there was a reason they did not work -- my lack of commitment to just toughing it out on "the outside."

Getting out of myself is an excellent idea, and I think I will look into volunteering in some capacity. I'll meet people that way and also help people. It really helps to help others to put things into perspective.

I live in another state from my best friend, plus she's fighting the same addiction issues, and hasn't been willing to ever even go to one AA meeting in her life, so I think she has to find her own way in this thing. Leaving my responsibilities here and going to that state for a while wouldn't help either one of us, I am afraid.

Based on my recent 18 days and the fact I had no side pains, I think the best course of action is for me to just stop drinking and smoking and deal with it. I think there isn't much they do for someone's liver, except that I know it can heal itself. I guess I can go back to AA, even if I don't like it. Even meeting one person in this town who I could relate to might make a huge difference. I start a pet bereavement group tomorrow, so maybe I'll meet some like-minded people there. One more thing -- I need to go back on Wellbutrin, as that did seem to make a difference in my ability to cope. Thanks everyone for helping me sort through what to do next.

Kahlia

I think going back on Wellbutrin is a good start...you sound very depressed and LOST....it is sad when we have sooo many issues piled on top of us BUT you have NOT drank for 18 days...that says that you are a survivor....we all are. You can do this, put down the pills, don't drink, your side pain may or may not stop but you will be SOBER...then you can start to think more rationally and do what will benefit you.....you can PM if you want and we will talk......prayers...YOU ARE OK......Kahlia

Don W

Feeling like drinking won't get you drunk. Many of us after long sobriety still want to drink at times. The key is talking about it and keeping yourself in a safe place. If I'm at a meeting or coffee shop, or maybe an ice cream store I can't act on a thought. However, if like before I was at the local VFW or Club drinking coke and I got a desire to drink, I was caught. Stay where you can't act of these thoughts. You can't control you mind, only your actions. Like posting here is a good reaction to these desires to drink. Hang in. Don W

mackat

i kept doing meetings cause they were the only places i was aware of that had people with whom i shared one fundamental fact- they/me were junkies and drunks.....

only difference was, unlike me, many of them had real lives.

i found out they all too ,had suffered from 'terminal uniquness'...
so i kept doing what they suggested. eventually all the pieces came together. the meetings had the feeling of home.
i had a feeling of hope

For many of the folk i encounter, this feeling of hope required some brainswitch to click. for me, it was and remains, a 'spiritual' move.

BTW, NA is where i found i felt most comfortable

Linda C.

HI Again Secondchances..

I sure wish I had something else to share with you besides AA.. I will tell you that a good many of us felt as you do about AA early on.. I know I looked for the differences rather than the similarities.. (smile).. I did not want to go. I did not like it when I was there.. After hearing about the steps I really did not like it.. Who the heck wants to do all of that work?? Who wants to take a good honest look at themselves?? Surely not an alcoholic.. (smile).. Nope, I wanted an easier, softer way..

The difference I guess is I wanted to live more than I wanted to die and had run out of options. I knew for a fact I could not do this on my own and there was no easier softer way.. So I kept going to meetings...... Well that was nearly 25 years ago now.. Sure glad I hung in there.. (smile).... And still do.. AA saved my life..

I suppose if I had cancer I would not like chemo either.. Probably would not like some of the doctors and nurses either. Probably would not like the schedule for treatments either.. Guess there would not be much of anything I would like about it.. None the less I would do what I needed to do to try to stay alive... How about you???
A little secret for you.. AA is not designed to get us sober.. It gives us all we need to learn how to LIVE sober and that is the hard part..

My best to you.. I hope you find what your looking for..

Linda C.
"Nothing changes if nothing changes"

Don S

I really do hope you'll go see your doctor and be honest with him or her about your drinking and the pain you've been experiencing. Meanwhile, if you want to learn about the different recovery options out there, try this link:
http://www.rrci.net/recovery_spectrum.htm

There's a lot of information online, and some groups have online meetings as well. Check them out and let us know if you have any questions.
Thanks for posting, and keep in touch,
Don S

Music

Hi Secondchances,
Sounds to me like the first thing you need to do is see a doctor. Then, since you've outlined for us, what you don't have going on in your life,(which, by the way, is more than enough to get depressed about)I'd suggest that you get yourself to AA and tell the people there what you've told us here. You might get some insight as to what you have going for you, starting with the most obvious and that is, you have the power to make a choice to change.