Richey

Couldn't sleep last night and haven't been sleeping well recently because I've been quite a bit of coke...so I drink to sleep. At 7am I started drinking...chucking vodka down my throat like it was water...got drunk so I didn't realise it and when I stood up I collapsed in a heap. got into bed, drank some more...felt kinda dizzy and weird like my head kept tilting on the side and everything looked like it was moving to the right.
Woke up at 4pm! Felt like crap...dry heaved until comething that look like a MASSIVE BLOOD CLOT came up...I don't know what it was...but blood dispersed in the water from it and it was dark coloured.
Had a panic attack because of that...shaking and sweating badly...so bad my teeth were chattering. Had to drink again to calm down...then realised how drunk I felt again and started crying...decided I'll never be anything other than a pathetic alcoholic so I drank mysel to sleep again.
Woke up at 1am...shaking...I'm still shaking kinda bad. My mouth and throat are dry and sore...like I'm not making any saliva...yet when I take a sip of drink (alcoholic) my mouth waters like anything...
i feel so ******. I'm eating toast and trying to keep it down with some coffee. It's 4am :/
I feel like hell and I've been browsing the internet searchin for "vicodin+without+perscription+spain" because opiates are the only thingthat keep mefrom drinking...

Karl

Hi Richey

I'm here in England, wide awake and hearing what you say. I'm sure tomorrow you'll get lots of replies on this thread that give expert advice, - there's a lot of good people on this forum - but for now - just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Keep talking.

Karl

Richey

I didn't expect to find anyone else from the UK up this hour...
I wake up at night so there's no one around to hassle me about drinking :/
But then I'm bored and left alone with my thoughts...which keep turning to drinking.
I'm supposed to meet someone later on...someone who will see how **** I look and give me major hassle...I wanna cancel and call up sick... but by now everyone knows 'sick' means drink or hungover :/

tyler

Richey, I feel so much for you. I know you are struggling and so am I. I am drunk now and I understand how it feels to need that. I struggle with it on a daily basis and gave into it tonite. I hate to admit it here. I like to apear like some kind of example, but I am no better than the run of the mill drunk I guess. Pot is my problem, nothing compared to herion Richie, but it is my demon, and I've been able to stay clean from it, but keep drinking. Not every night, but every couple of nights. If I keep it up it will become every night. I am so glad you keep posting here Richey, that means you haven't given up hope and that is so important. Even if you are using keep posting here.

Richey

I just keep fluctuating between good a terrible on here. I had a massively bad patch...then got my act together for a week or so...now it's back to square one.
They say 'just for today' but most of the time that's all I can manage. Sometimes I find myself setting a time when I can drink and waiting anxiously for it. I keep promising to only drink in the evening...but it's hard.
I can't stand the little looks people give me when they smell it on my breath...or just on me. I try covering it up with mints but then I get the 'you're drinking liquor at 10am and trying to cover it up and i know' looks...which are even worse.
I wanna move back to a big city where I'm facelss and not The Town Drunk and have to hide my face wherever I go.
I find myself staying indoors just to avoid people or making an arse of myself in public....you can do a thousand good things and no one notices...but when the police wake you up after you pass out on a bench...suddenly everyone knows who you are :/

tyler

Richie, I wish I could give you better advice, but I can't right now. All I can say is that I am thinking about you and am trying to send you some good vibes from the good ol' USA. Can't give you any great insight as I am drinking now myself. But I know that this isn't the way and so do you, we just have to find our way. So many people have before us, I know we can do it too.

Aa_vark

Hey Richey -

Im worried about ya...what are yoa doing!!

I hadn't thought about this in a long time - using one drug bcause of the side effect of another... and to top it off, you're thinking of going back to your drug of choice????(opiates, if im not mistaken...)

wow, what a flashback... I have been there...

you've been to a few NA meetings, right? are you going to keep going?

you said that opiates are the only thing that keep you from drinking?

NA keeps me from drinking, dude... NA taught me that i cant use any drug successfully, even alcohol...

Listen, i know that this is just words on a screen, youre there, using, and im here clean and all - but i know what its like where you are - i did the same things... You dont have to die from this disease - you can quit and stay clean -

surrender,

Richey

Hearing other people succeed is about the only thing that gives me hope!
Although, sometimes, it just makes me think jealous of them or think I'm weaker willed :/

2dayzmuse

(((Tyler))) & (((Richey)))

Never give up the fight. You can win the battle of this disease. I did. I was a hopeless drunk and now I'm winning the war. If I can do it so can you. Prayers for the both of you...

Richey

I'm only going to NA minimum requirements as a court order :/
I don't like it there... I hate being judged face-to-face by people...I get so nervous in groups of people I have to drink to calm my nerves.
The main reason why I ever started abusing any substance was to give me confidence or to make me less self-conscious.
Sometimes I just dread meetings so badly...I often duck out early or go to the bathroom and disappear...I wouldn't go at all except for it being a requirement of my suspended sentance.
I just keep thinking if I get something mild like vics I can cope without drinking and it wont be so bad as heroin. I've tried valium but evenwith tripple the dose I'm finding it hard to sleep...and I want to sleep...so badly...constantly. I'm not tired but I just don't want to think.
I'm off my anti-depressants after a major manic episode (which was actually the thing that got me hospitalised and detoxed) and mood stablisers aren't helping...I don't feel 'agony' or on the verge of crying...but just so low I could walk in front of a bus and not care....it'd be as casual as a stroll in the park for me. But, intellectually, I know I don't want to die...that's why I drink: to suspend reality and hold off suicide until I get my head together. Only I don't know if I'll ever get it together...

tyler

Richey, if you would like to chat I will be in the chat room, don't know if I can help you in any way, but will talk with you if you want too.

tyler

I know you are there Richey, come to the chat room.

Richey

I would...if I could figure out how to make the chatroom work.
LOL...I'm often too drunk to figure out this forum...I've lost count of the number of times I've had my password reset because I was too wasted to remember it :/

tyler

well I'm there if you can figure it out. I'm drunk myself. But I'd like to talk to you.

Karl

Sorry I missed you guys,

Can't post another thread saying "I'm failing" - but feel alone. You'll understand when I say I can't pull myself together. Doesn't seem like any reason NOT to drink.
I think this is a great forum if you're off the booze, but if you're on it....
well, me ... I'm a coward who has to hide on other people's threads. Hope you don't mind Richey.
- where the FFFFFFFK is everybody?

Karl

Chy

Hi Richey!
Sure am sorry your having difficulty. I do pray for you and hope you'll find the courage to get some support on your end. You don't have to live like this. *hugs*

Richey

I'm seeing my councillor in two and a half hours from writing this. I only had a bit to drink yesterday to take the edge off but I feel RANCID this morning...not sure why. My hands are really shakey...so much I singed my hair whilst smoking...which was pretty dumb o_O

Cathy31

Richey
How was the councellor? hope it was of some help.
Cathy31
x

bahookie

Hey Richey
How did it go with the counsellor?

Jane
xxx

progress

Richey, "just for today" or "just for this minute" is all you do have to manage.

I'm so sorry to learn you are struggling; I hope things went well with the counselor.