tough love
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The land of the free and the home of the brave
Posts: 46
Hi quietsins,
I am Kevin, alcoholic.addict. I can tell you it worked for me. It was only when my parents and ex-wife said "no more" to me that I was forced and able to get help for myself. I now have 19 months of continuous sobriety, and their saying no to me was what started this beautiful journey and allowed me to finally wake up and grow up. I thank God nearly every day that they had the courage and conviction to do what they did, as hard as I know it was for them.
Keep your head up and good luck.
Kevin
I am Kevin, alcoholic.addict. I can tell you it worked for me. It was only when my parents and ex-wife said "no more" to me that I was forced and able to get help for myself. I now have 19 months of continuous sobriety, and their saying no to me was what started this beautiful journey and allowed me to finally wake up and grow up. I thank God nearly every day that they had the courage and conviction to do what they did, as hard as I know it was for them.
Keep your head up and good luck.
Kevin
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by kweather99
I thank God nearly every day that they had the courage and conviction to do what they did, as hard as I know it was for them.
Thank you for saying out loud the words this codie mom needed to hear today. You have no idea how much that touched my heart.
Huge Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 448
I'd like to see tough love defined before calling on it.
If I say 'Does tough love work' does that imply I am doing it to try and create an outcome in someones life? If so, it's a gamble that can backfire. The dead ones won't be responding to this thread.
Does saying 'enough' reflect simply the most appropriate response under the circumstances regardless of the consequences?
For me, I definately don't personally want to define tough love with trying to punitively manipulate someone into recovery. My parents tried that tactic with me before I ever had a drink and it simply led me to believe I was unlovable.
If I say 'Does tough love work' does that imply I am doing it to try and create an outcome in someones life? If so, it's a gamble that can backfire. The dead ones won't be responding to this thread.
Does saying 'enough' reflect simply the most appropriate response under the circumstances regardless of the consequences?
For me, I definately don't personally want to define tough love with trying to punitively manipulate someone into recovery. My parents tried that tactic with me before I ever had a drink and it simply led me to believe I was unlovable.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
i would define, from the codie side of the street, as tough love is loving someone enough to let them suffer the consequences of their actions. it is not continually stepping in and making things "easier" for the A.
it is also loving ourselves enough to not let the A deflect their responsibility on their loved ones. for myself, it was saying "i will not be your excuse for drinking" and walking away. because his disease has reached the point where he is turning on me, wanting and needing someone to blame for his choices.
it is not forcing someone to be responsible for their actions as much as it is removing ourselves from being seen as responsible for their actions. it is letting the mirror reflect that the fault is theirs, and not ours.
it is one of the hardest things to have to do, it is also one of the lowest moments for those who love you to have to reach that point. it is loving you enough to say, i will not be destroyed.
it is also loving ourselves enough to not let the A deflect their responsibility on their loved ones. for myself, it was saying "i will not be your excuse for drinking" and walking away. because his disease has reached the point where he is turning on me, wanting and needing someone to blame for his choices.
it is not forcing someone to be responsible for their actions as much as it is removing ourselves from being seen as responsible for their actions. it is letting the mirror reflect that the fault is theirs, and not ours.
it is one of the hardest things to have to do, it is also one of the lowest moments for those who love you to have to reach that point. it is loving you enough to say, i will not be destroyed.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 448
Thankyou Quietsins
To me what you describe seems to reflect reality, logic and common sense.
Sometimes people talk about making interventions, rejecting people to try and make them hit an emotional bottom that might bump them into recovery. Of course, relatives etc. make their own choices, but it doesn't always work. Then you get some zealous types in AA trying to push people into the steps under the guise of tough love.
At the end of the day I believe human beings respond to love and intentionally punitive stuff actually confirms their beliefs that they are unlovable. I'm not saying shock and tough tactics can't work, but eventually it is self-love often learnt by the example of uncondional love from someone else that starts the process. That doesn't mean I cough up money or bail people out. It just means that whatever I do they know it is without judgement.
Just my thoughts. Good subject. Thankyou.
To me what you describe seems to reflect reality, logic and common sense.
Sometimes people talk about making interventions, rejecting people to try and make them hit an emotional bottom that might bump them into recovery. Of course, relatives etc. make their own choices, but it doesn't always work. Then you get some zealous types in AA trying to push people into the steps under the guise of tough love.
At the end of the day I believe human beings respond to love and intentionally punitive stuff actually confirms their beliefs that they are unlovable. I'm not saying shock and tough tactics can't work, but eventually it is self-love often learnt by the example of uncondional love from someone else that starts the process. That doesn't mean I cough up money or bail people out. It just means that whatever I do they know it is without judgement.
Just my thoughts. Good subject. Thankyou.
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
They don't call it tough love for nothing.......tough love is sometimes harder on the person giving it than on the person receiving it.
I have heard just as many people cry nay as those who claims that the policy works but one thing I do know is that showing "tough love" to people I cared about forced me to look at my own behaviour as far as their drinking was concerned and that for me was not a bad thing........
I have heard just as many people cry nay as those who claims that the policy works but one thing I do know is that showing "tough love" to people I cared about forced me to look at my own behaviour as far as their drinking was concerned and that for me was not a bad thing........
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Tough love doesn't mean "I don't love." It means I let go and let God. At some point people have to take responsibility for their actions and stand accountable. I'm just stepping out of the way and allowing that process to take place. I told my son(who was never a problem at home)he was going to have to move out because of his drinking and drugging. Never stopped loving him or being supportive in his efforts. That feeling of being "cruel" is just your guilt trying to convince you that you've done something wrong. Think about it. Most "codies" operate entirely on guilt.
By the way, I've actually seen some people start working the steps and get sober because some "zealous AA type" used a little tough love. My son has almost 16 years sober.
By the way, I've actually seen some people start working the steps and get sober because some "zealous AA type" used a little tough love. My son has almost 16 years sober.
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