Crawling Back Again (and again. . .)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Michigan, USA
Posts: 79
Crawling Back Again (and again. . .)
How long before I get this program? I've been struggling for 5 years - the longest I've been sober has been for 18 months. For about the last year, I can't string two months together.
It happened again over the weekend. OK - I have a bunch of dumb excuses, but as everyone else says here - The only reason I drank was because I chose to.
1) I'm leaving a job I dearly love on Friday because it doesn't pay enough.
2) I'm starting a new job Monday that pays a lot more.
3) I'm sick with a horrible sinus infection
4) Because of sinus infection, I couldn't get together with my 88-year old mother on mother's day.
5) Day before Mother's Day, her youngest sister passed away.
Boy, seeing it in writing even makes the weekend binge look dumber.
So I go crawling back to a meeting tonight, with about 15 hours of sobriety under my belt. And I dread it - they always shake their heads and tsk-tsk-tsk at me like I'm one of those hopeless people with mental or emotional deficiences that the Big Book talks about. I'm not. I'm just a garden variety drunk who didn't handle the stress very wisely. And if I had 18 months sober, I can certainly do 24 hours, don't you think? I think so.
I don't know what I need from everyone. I've been reading these boards for hours and have gotten so much comfort. Especially from Don's post, where he picked himself up after a short slip, and got back on the recovery horse. I want so desperately to get back on too. I'm going with the antabuse again this time - it takes away the choice, and helps me work my program better.
(By the way, anyone know how long after drinking is it safe to take antabuse?)
Thanks for listening. I am so touched by the recovery I see here - by the friendships formed by this bond of addiction that we all have. You all help me more than you know.
It happened again over the weekend. OK - I have a bunch of dumb excuses, but as everyone else says here - The only reason I drank was because I chose to.
1) I'm leaving a job I dearly love on Friday because it doesn't pay enough.
2) I'm starting a new job Monday that pays a lot more.
3) I'm sick with a horrible sinus infection
4) Because of sinus infection, I couldn't get together with my 88-year old mother on mother's day.
5) Day before Mother's Day, her youngest sister passed away.
Boy, seeing it in writing even makes the weekend binge look dumber.
So I go crawling back to a meeting tonight, with about 15 hours of sobriety under my belt. And I dread it - they always shake their heads and tsk-tsk-tsk at me like I'm one of those hopeless people with mental or emotional deficiences that the Big Book talks about. I'm not. I'm just a garden variety drunk who didn't handle the stress very wisely. And if I had 18 months sober, I can certainly do 24 hours, don't you think? I think so.
I don't know what I need from everyone. I've been reading these boards for hours and have gotten so much comfort. Especially from Don's post, where he picked himself up after a short slip, and got back on the recovery horse. I want so desperately to get back on too. I'm going with the antabuse again this time - it takes away the choice, and helps me work my program better.
(By the way, anyone know how long after drinking is it safe to take antabuse?)
Thanks for listening. I am so touched by the recovery I see here - by the friendships formed by this bond of addiction that we all have. You all help me more than you know.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Michigan, USA
Posts: 79
OK, here I am answering my own post. A little jittery? Yes, after 2 days of drinking.
Let's see, today I have cleaned house, done 4 loads of laundry, spent way too much time on line, tried to write to the people at smart recovery, but all 3 addresses listed on the website are bad. Smoked about a zillion cigarettes, read a bunch of AA material, drank about 3 gallons of water (still trying to flush the alcohol so I can start antabuse tomorrow).
Please talk to me, someone. I need experience, strength, hope and sanity.
Let's see, today I have cleaned house, done 4 loads of laundry, spent way too much time on line, tried to write to the people at smart recovery, but all 3 addresses listed on the website are bad. Smoked about a zillion cigarettes, read a bunch of AA material, drank about 3 gallons of water (still trying to flush the alcohol so I can start antabuse tomorrow).
Please talk to me, someone. I need experience, strength, hope and sanity.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
HI Sylvrymoon!
I was just wondering if you have a sponser, or a contact list from your AA group of folks you can call when you feel weak? And remember, a slip does not undo all the recovery work you've done.
As to the smartrecovery thing... I see that they have online meetings, and there seem to be phone numbers listed as well as e-mail contacts.
You can do it.
Hugs,
Smoke
I was just wondering if you have a sponser, or a contact list from your AA group of folks you can call when you feel weak? And remember, a slip does not undo all the recovery work you've done.
As to the smartrecovery thing... I see that they have online meetings, and there seem to be phone numbers listed as well as e-mail contacts.
You can do it.
Hugs,
Smoke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Michigan, USA
Posts: 79
Thanks, Smoke - that was exactly what I needed to hear. That a "slip" does not undo my recovery work. It's like Don said on another board, if you work for 8 years then have 1 sick day, it doesn't undo your 8 years of work.
Yes, I have a sponsor - she was out of town this weekend. And of course I also have contacts, but calling them didn't even occur to me -- I get very driven when I want to drink. I also get very driven when I want to stay sober. It's a battle I fight every day - just waiting for the sober days to outnumber the drunk days.
And I don't want to get into definitions, but is a 2-day binge a "slip" or a "relapse"? I guess it doesn't matter - I am sober right now and have been for the last 13 hours.
I am feeling better, by the way. I can tell my blood pressure is going down, I don't have that "wah-wah" throbbing in my head as bad, and I am finally able to eat. And since I'm not getting into definitions (heh heh). . . am I experiencing "withdrawal" or just one miserable "hangover"? How long does one have to drink to get withdrawal symptoms.
Anyone know the answer to the antabuse question? I'd really like to take it tomorrow morning - and that will be about 26 hours after my last drink this morning.
Yes, I have a sponsor - she was out of town this weekend. And of course I also have contacts, but calling them didn't even occur to me -- I get very driven when I want to drink. I also get very driven when I want to stay sober. It's a battle I fight every day - just waiting for the sober days to outnumber the drunk days.
And I don't want to get into definitions, but is a 2-day binge a "slip" or a "relapse"? I guess it doesn't matter - I am sober right now and have been for the last 13 hours.
I am feeling better, by the way. I can tell my blood pressure is going down, I don't have that "wah-wah" throbbing in my head as bad, and I am finally able to eat. And since I'm not getting into definitions (heh heh). . . am I experiencing "withdrawal" or just one miserable "hangover"? How long does one have to drink to get withdrawal symptoms.
Anyone know the answer to the antabuse question? I'd really like to take it tomorrow morning - and that will be about 26 hours after my last drink this morning.
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
SylvryMoon -
I don't know the difference between a slip and relapse, but I do that the important thing right this minute is that you are sober. you relapsed, slipped, whatever, you just get back up and start again. We are all behind you, you need to get to a meeting, but that is just my opinion.
Fellowship, that is what helps in times like this. And you said you have been reading literature, Good For U!!!!!
You can do it! Take care, God Bless and I hope you have a great day, a minute at a time.
------------------
Pauline
A friend in recovery!!
I don't know the difference between a slip and relapse, but I do that the important thing right this minute is that you are sober. you relapsed, slipped, whatever, you just get back up and start again. We are all behind you, you need to get to a meeting, but that is just my opinion.
Fellowship, that is what helps in times like this. And you said you have been reading literature, Good For U!!!!!
You can do it! Take care, God Bless and I hope you have a great day, a minute at a time.
------------------
Pauline
A friend in recovery!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
http://www.mentalhealth.com/drug/p30-a02.html#Head_3
HI Silvrymoon...
This is a medical website that discusses antabuse and how it is safely used.
HI Silvrymoon...
This is a medical website that discusses antabuse and how it is safely used.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hey look!
I even found an article about hangovers! According to this, a hangover may actually be a mild form of withdrawal.
http://www.findarticles.com/cf_dls/g.../article.jhtml
To me, a slip is when you stray off the path and a relapse is when you're thinking "where was that path again?".
Hugs!
I even found an article about hangovers! According to this, a hangover may actually be a mild form of withdrawal.
http://www.findarticles.com/cf_dls/g.../article.jhtml
To me, a slip is when you stray off the path and a relapse is when you're thinking "where was that path again?".
Hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Michigan, USA
Posts: 79
Oh Smoke,
I have tears in my eyes after reading your wonderful messages. And both websites are very helpful.
The one on antabuse says that it shouldn't be taken until 12 hours after the last drink. So I should be safe tomorrow morning at 26 hours.
And interestingly, the hangovers website says that hangovers ARE withdrawal symptoms, and usually abate within 24 hours.
I'm feeling better already, just knowing the above two facts.
And as far as your definition of slips and relapse, it is absolutely beautiful and brilliant. I have had such severe relapses that I forgot there even was a darn path! And this time, I simply moseyed away from the path, but knew it is always there waiting for me.
Hugs back to you, dear Smoke!!
I have tears in my eyes after reading your wonderful messages. And both websites are very helpful.
The one on antabuse says that it shouldn't be taken until 12 hours after the last drink. So I should be safe tomorrow morning at 26 hours.
And interestingly, the hangovers website says that hangovers ARE withdrawal symptoms, and usually abate within 24 hours.
I'm feeling better already, just knowing the above two facts.
And as far as your definition of slips and relapse, it is absolutely beautiful and brilliant. I have had such severe relapses that I forgot there even was a darn path! And this time, I simply moseyed away from the path, but knew it is always there waiting for me.
Hugs back to you, dear Smoke!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Charleston S.C.
Posts: 1,461
Hi Sylvrymoon, All I can say is you are not alone. I can understand your fustration. Just read my postings. I have thought of many things to say to make it better for you but, fact is I am in the same thought pattern now. I can only say a prayer for both of us. Also, keep posting we want your help and to help you. Don
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Michigan, USA
Posts: 79
Oh Don, I am so glad you answered me. I have read all your posts - especially the one where you, too, drank. But after sounding angry and distraught, you really did seem to pick yourself back up and carry on. That's what I've got to do too.
Yes, we all do really need each other here - this was such a comforting place for me to be all day while I was coming down from the binge. I'm feeling much more human now (except for this dang sinus infection) - and I owe it to everyone here - on all these boards. Whatever "method" of recovery we choose, it's important that we choose recovery. For me, it's AA.
By the way, I couldn't face the people in my local meetings tonite, so I went to a 7pm meeting a few cities away. Everyone was very kind and welcoming - and patted me on the back for walking back in the door only 15 hours after my last drink. That's what recovery is - people helping people.
p.s. to Smoke - I called one of our local treatment centers here to ask about the antabuse, and the nurse there said what your website said -- 12 hours should be safe. I'm waiting till tomorrow morning, and it's back on the antabuse for me until I feel strong enough to go it alone again.
Thanks and hugs to ((((Smoke)))) and ((((Don)))) and ((((everyone)))).
Yes, we all do really need each other here - this was such a comforting place for me to be all day while I was coming down from the binge. I'm feeling much more human now (except for this dang sinus infection) - and I owe it to everyone here - on all these boards. Whatever "method" of recovery we choose, it's important that we choose recovery. For me, it's AA.
By the way, I couldn't face the people in my local meetings tonite, so I went to a 7pm meeting a few cities away. Everyone was very kind and welcoming - and patted me on the back for walking back in the door only 15 hours after my last drink. That's what recovery is - people helping people.
p.s. to Smoke - I called one of our local treatment centers here to ask about the antabuse, and the nurse there said what your website said -- 12 hours should be safe. I'm waiting till tomorrow morning, and it's back on the antabuse for me until I feel strong enough to go it alone again.
Thanks and hugs to ((((Smoke)))) and ((((Don)))) and ((((everyone)))).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Michigan, USA
Posts: 79
Just wanted to check in and let you know I'm now at 26 hours sobriety - fell asleep thanking God for getting me through yesterday without a drink, woke up praising Him for sleep, and praying for strength today.
Thank you to everyone for yesterday.
Thank you to everyone for yesterday.
Member
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Pasadena, CA United States
Posts: 18
I can relate to your post. I spent about 6 years trying to “get the program”. I thought I was one of those “unfortunates who were unable to be rigorously honest”. It became a good excuse to drink, thinking I was just doomed to drink. It also led to a lot of guilt and shame thinking I was inherently dishonest. Fortunately, I learned techniques outside of AA that fit me better and I haven’t drank now for more than 2 years. Part of those techniques involves looking at my thoughts and emotions about things going on in my life. I’ve learned to handle stress, boredom, etc, without drinking.
I think its great that you are looking at past success as evidence that you can quit drinking. Take care.
Loco
I think its great that you are looking at past success as evidence that you can quit drinking. Take care.
Loco
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Michigan, USA
Posts: 79
Thankns, Loco, Smoke and Pauline!
I'm brutally exhausted today from the emotions at work - saying goodbye to people I really love. And physically exhausted from the sinus infection, which I finally got antibiotics for. So I'm toddling off to bed at 7pm - sober for 39 hours, and I'm gonna make it tomorrow too. That's the trick -- one day at a time!
Thank you for your story, Loco - it really helped.
Thank you all for all your support and love yesterday. Today's a better day, for sure!
I'm brutally exhausted today from the emotions at work - saying goodbye to people I really love. And physically exhausted from the sinus infection, which I finally got antibiotics for. So I'm toddling off to bed at 7pm - sober for 39 hours, and I'm gonna make it tomorrow too. That's the trick -- one day at a time!
Thank you for your story, Loco - it really helped.
Thank you all for all your support and love yesterday. Today's a better day, for sure!
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Posts: n/a
Hi
I'm new at this and first want to congratulate you I'm starting a journey that really frightens me. I'm about to start antabuse - can you tell me a little about your experience with it? I know I can't drink with it, but are things like my hand lotion going to make me sick if one of the ingredients is cetyl alcohol? Is my toothpaste or my makeup going to make me throwup? This seems crazy, but the literature is frightening. What about vinegar/ Any info would be helpful. the websites are just too generic - I need to talk to someone with experience
thanks
I'm new at this and first want to congratulate you I'm starting a journey that really frightens me. I'm about to start antabuse - can you tell me a little about your experience with it? I know I can't drink with it, but are things like my hand lotion going to make me sick if one of the ingredients is cetyl alcohol? Is my toothpaste or my makeup going to make me throwup? This seems crazy, but the literature is frightening. What about vinegar/ Any info would be helpful. the websites are just too generic - I need to talk to someone with experience
thanks
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello Eloise!
Welcome to the recovery forum! Drug reactions often vary. Talk to your physician. That beats the heck out of medical advice from a non-medical message board.
You can do it!
Smoke
Welcome to the recovery forum! Drug reactions often vary. Talk to your physician. That beats the heck out of medical advice from a non-medical message board.
You can do it!
Smoke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Michigan, USA
Posts: 79
Hi Eloise,
I suggest, as Smoke does, that you call your doctor and ask him specifically about antabuse reactions.
Since you asked me my personal experience, I'll give it. I never drank on antabuse, but I have known people who have -- most have ended up in the E.R. The symptoms are pretty well explained in the website that Smoke included in her post. Personally, I don't have a reaction to perfumes, deodorants, etc. I do eat vinegar -- I understand that red wine vinegar is made from the grapes used to make red wine, not from the actual wine itself. When I go to a restaurant, I have to read the menu clearly and if a dish is made with wine or beer or liquor, I stay away from it. Supposedly, the alcohol burns off, but I'm not going to take the chance. Nothing on the skin seems to affect me, but some people get a rash or flush or rapid heartbeat. Everyone's body is different. If you decide to take it, don't test it. Let your doctor guide you. And good luck!
As for everyone else - it's day 3 (again!) and I'm hanging tough. Tomorrow is my last day at a job I love, and it's been rough this week saying goodbye to people I care about. But knowing that they also care about me has helped me stay strong.
I suggest, as Smoke does, that you call your doctor and ask him specifically about antabuse reactions.
Since you asked me my personal experience, I'll give it. I never drank on antabuse, but I have known people who have -- most have ended up in the E.R. The symptoms are pretty well explained in the website that Smoke included in her post. Personally, I don't have a reaction to perfumes, deodorants, etc. I do eat vinegar -- I understand that red wine vinegar is made from the grapes used to make red wine, not from the actual wine itself. When I go to a restaurant, I have to read the menu clearly and if a dish is made with wine or beer or liquor, I stay away from it. Supposedly, the alcohol burns off, but I'm not going to take the chance. Nothing on the skin seems to affect me, but some people get a rash or flush or rapid heartbeat. Everyone's body is different. If you decide to take it, don't test it. Let your doctor guide you. And good luck!
As for everyone else - it's day 3 (again!) and I'm hanging tough. Tomorrow is my last day at a job I love, and it's been rough this week saying goodbye to people I care about. But knowing that they also care about me has helped me stay strong.
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