SylvryMoon

Juls said to me in an earlier post - Just keep crawling until you can walk.

Well, I'm crawling again. I had a 1 1/2 day binge Thursday and Friday, and I'm hurting today. I'm crawling back again. And this time, I won't stop crawling. I guess I forgot how bad I was hurting the last time I relapsed -- and I'm hurting again. But I'm holding my head high and walking into a meeting tonight, where I will have about 24 hours of sobriety. I refuse to take criticism from some of the people there - I want hugs and hellos. And I'll just keep plugging at this thing until it sticks for good.

smoke gets in my eyes

Good for you Sylvrymoon! Get on back in the saddle. I know just what you mean about forgetting how bad it hurt, and can relate that to a lot of things in life... not just drinking. It's funny how difficult it is to keep the cost in mind when you think you want something.

You can do this.

Hugs,
Smoke

SylvryMoon

Thanks, Smoke. You always make me feel better. I'm hanging in at about 15 hours now. . . maybe longer, since I passed out sometime before 11, woke up at 11, and don't remember if I had a drink before crawling into bed. (and waking up at 2am) (that early morning waking is enough to make me quit!)

I'm grateful for you, Smoke.

myagle2

sylvrymoon, You are not alone, absolutely not, boy can i relate to what you are saying. Keep trying PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

SylvryMoon

Thanks, myagle. I went to 2 meetings yesterday - a 3pm and an 8pm. I heard exactly what I needed to hear - and the kindness I experienced at those meetings made me cry. I went to different meetings - meetings I don't usually go to. And it made all the difference in the world. People I'd never met before opened their arms to me, and embraced me. People gave me information on how to use the AA tools I already have, and gave me some new tools.

I had a pretty weird night of sleep - kept waking up sweating and chilled, but that's the withdrawal, I guess. And very weird dreams. But that's ok - I went to bed sober, after praying to God thanking him for letting me reach out to new friends and new people yesterday. And I woke up sober - with tears in my eyes, so grateful for my sobriety this morning.

I'm going to an 11am meeting, and if I need it, I'll go to another meeting tonight.

Thank you all for listening. And praying for me. And your sympathetic support. I appreciate it and need it more than you know.

Pickle

Hey, Syl,

I have been on the road and just read your posting. You sure fooled me and looks like you fooled yourself. I think you are doing what I did for 26 months in AA. I'm okay, I'm great, everything is simply wonderful, I'm FINE (F.. Insecure Neurotic and Emotionally immature!)

Never did I share at a meeting what was really going on in my life. I was not truthful with myself or others.....not until I slipped, after 26 months of sobriety, and it scared the hell out of me. I even had the DT's. I got honest with myself and cleaned house! If I stubbed my toe, I shared it, if my husband hit me I shared it, on and on and on.

An AA meeting is not a doctor's appointment or a hospital admit. We don't sit in a waiting room waiting for the next appointment. AA is a fellowship. We get involved in each other's recovery as well as our own. We fellowhip...socialize....care....fight....makeup.. .love!

Darlin' you stumbled thats all! Don't carry AA as a burden. Get rid of your guilty feelings. Bill W sez "excessive guilt is reverse pride." No one is going to penalize you except yourself. Get up, laugh at yourself (it won't hurt a bit) and renew your efforts.

Are you doing what your sponser is telling you to do? Have you completed your steps with your sponser? Do you need a new sponser? Yeah, and read the Big Book!

Hospital and Instutional work saved my fanny. Get involved.

Love you, Syl! Go have coffee with an AA friend! (When I was getting sober, I drank close to 25 cups a day...no lie!) I leave for Phoenix, Thursday, see you in July! I still want to live in Michigan! I will be in Kalamazoo, in October, for a business meeting.

Threat: If you do this again, I will not be so nice.

Pickle

Don W

Hi SylveryMoon, Just keep getting back anyway you can. I am in the same position. I have been in and out of AA since 1982. I have had periods of success and then back to drinking. I hope it works this time but, I know it takes more than hope. I am going to have to work at it, and so do you. The only alternitive to working at it is giving up. Even if you have a slip just put it behind you and move on. I have been trying to focus on the mistakes I have made in past. The biggest one is getting myself into the position of having to choose to drink or not drink. Like going to a bar to see old friends. I have had times when I went to drink coke and bar tender, after not seeing me for 6 months, saw me crossing the street and put my Bud on the bar. Without even thinking about it I drank the beer. What I have to change is tell someone before I go to the bar. I have to admit that it is true that I think about drinking sometimes days before I drink. That is when I need to do something about it. They told a story at the VA that made sense to me.
If they put me in a room and put a bottle of beer( or the drug of your choice) what would I do. Maybe after some lenth of sobriety I could just walk away, but, at this time I don't know. My key is to not walk in that room. Hang in there. Don W
on the table

SylvryMoon

Hi Don and Pickle,
Don - I am always so happy to see your reply to my posts, because I know you have been going through the same thing I have.
Pickle - your experience, strength and hope always help me.

At yesterday's meeting (at the treatment center I was in in December and again in March), I heard one woman who relapsed after 11 years, and another woman who relapsed after 17 years, and a man who was a staunch AA "regular" at this meeting who was in-patient now after falling. This does NOT make it ok for me to have fallen on Thursday and Friday - I'm just showing that it does happen.

I have a new sponsor - a temporary sponsor. And a dear friend in Atlanta has been calling me (and I her) several times a day. I have worked the steps, but obviously not with enough honesty. It is time for me to do it again.

I am so grateful to the meetings and to God - I woke up sober again this morning. Still no appetite, believe it or not. But I did manage some fish and a salad yesterday while having Father's Day dinner with my dad. I keep remembering a line from The Recovery Book about coming back from a relapse - "You will feel worse before you feel better, but you will feel better." And that's the promise I'm holding to right now.

Thank you all again.

SanjayB

There is no shame in failing to stay sober. The shame lies in not trying in the first place. I have resolved never to drink again too many times to count, literally. Trying to recall them individually would be like trying to remember each time Bush has mangled a word that most high school freshmen could pronounce with aplomb.

Just remember this: the attempt that finally stuck for someone sometimes came after little struggle, but more often than not, after many aborted attempts, much soul-searching and candid reflection, many hard looks in the mirror. You will get to where you seek to go; you didn't get into alcoholism overnight and you won't exit that way either.

For the time being, I suggest you use substitution as much as possible. Anything other than drugs and alcohol. Could be food, tv, movies, books, long walks, long drives, sex, friends, chocolate, a second job, the internet, writing, video games......whatever fills your time. Staring into space in reflection of all that has come and what remains i.e. doing nothing works well also. Antabuse frankly sounds like a great idea, wish i could get my shaky hands on some.

tigergirl

Slvry-what you are going through IS tough to handle. Acknowledge that-change and physical pain-yes it's terrible.It's panicky and for your job, sad.It DOES get better, it DOES abate and go away but I found I had to go through it and move through it.
I found that once I allowed myself to acknowledge what I was going through was valid-I had a right to feel this way-I am human after all-my feelings weren't so overwhelming. I also went to as many "welcoming " meetings as possible even some co-dependance meetings wherre I felt safe.There is no right way,whatever to keep you sober.
Locoverde I would be interested in knowing how you did kept sober on your own so to speak.Whatever works would be great to know how.

SylvryMoon

Thank you, Sanjay and Tigergirl. Your posts give me a lot of hope. I know this is a relapsing disease, that tortures us every time we choose to pick up again. Today, I am choosing not to pick up. I posted in the "AA" thread about a friend who I saw yesterday at a meeting at a treatment center I was in during December and March - he had been 6 years clean and sober, and now was an inpatient himself, in a wheelchair, after having had a 2-week binge on cocaine. It proved to me what a cunning, baffling, powerful, SNEAKY and PATIENT disease this is. And today, I am sober for him - because I care about him, I hurt for him, and I don't want to go back as an inpatient myself.

Sanjay, your idea of substitutions is kind of scary - but I have done it -- food, shopping, sleeping, tv, books, etc. I've been in therapy recently, and the therapist (who is quite young and VERY astute) pointed out that when we replace one addiction with another, we are trying to fill a "gap" in our lives that needs filling. So at the moment, I'm trying to figure out what that "gap" is -- and trying to learn how to fill it in more healthy ways. I don't want to do food anymore - I gained 40 lbs after I got sober the first time, and it hasn't come off yet. I don't want to do shopping any more -- it ran up my credit cards and wrecked my credit rating. And I definitely do not want to do sleeping, tv, and books any more - because they are all solitary activities --- and the LAST thing I need is being more solitary and isolated.

I'm tackling this dam* disease one day at a time. And thanks to my dear friend who is in treatment right now, I'm staying sober for him. And look forward to seeing him again on Wednesday at the next meeting at the treatment center. (I'm bringing him ice cream - I hope he likes it!!).

Thanks, everyone. Through you, I find hope. And I will continue to post to let you know how I am.

Old Lady n Shoe

SYLVRYMOON SORRY TO HERE ABOUT THE SLIP,BUT GOOD TO HERE YOUR BACK ON THE HORSE,AS THE OLD TIMER SAYS.I HAD MANY SLIPS FOR AT LEAST A YEAR.MY BUDDIES IN THIS CLUB SAID 'SLOW AND EASY.SO MUCH THAT I THINK IT FINALY SUNK IN.SO GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK WORKING'SLOW AND EASY.ONE DAY AT A TIME. OLD LADY N SHOE

Terryb39

Sylvrymoon,
How are you doing? Good, I hope. I was just curious about the antebuse? I have considered going to my doc for it, because I can never stay off the booze for very long. I've been sober a little over a week this time. I was wondering if you have had any side effects from the antebuse? And how long did you take it before, and what made you quit taking it? I take meds for depression, and really don't want to start on something else, but sometimes I feel so desperate, like I want to drink. Today I wanted to drink, so I decided to come to this site instead, reading other ppl's thoughts take your mind off your own. Anyway, I hope you are doing well. Today I stayed sober, hope you did too!

Jerry

My sponsor used to say "When the pain gets bad enough, you'll know what to do." But after reading some of these posts I don't think you will know what to do. You've been around AA long enough to learn the solution, the way out of that hole your in. It's called The Steps. But before you get to the steps you have to arrive at a DECISION. You have to know and admit that your life is so ****** up that even AA is preferable to what your doing now. Make a decision and don't change your mind. GET TOUGH....WE'RE TALKING ABOUT YOUR LIFE. I stopped drinking for six months to prove to someone else and myself that I could do it. I had every intention of drinking after that six months was up, but something happened to me. I haven't had a drink in a very long time, I got honest and took the steps to a better way of life. This is key. I wanted a better way of life. The progam of Alcoholics Anonymous offers us that chance at a new life. WE HAVE TO GRAB HOLD OF IT AND NOT LET GO.

SylvryMoon

Jerry,
While I agree with you in principal, I must say that your approach is a little alarming. As we open our local AA meetings, we have a moment of silence for the "still suffering alcoholic, both in and out of the program." That moment of compassion and prayer is often enough to make me not drink for that day, and maybe the next, and the next. (I go to a meeting every day). Where is your compassion?

Yes, we are talking about my life. But I have not "f*cked it up," as you say. I have an extremely well-paying job, a beautiful condo, a nice car, good friends who understand this disease and try to help me, etc. I am truly blessed. Also, I am in therapy (in addition to meetings) to get to the root of what I am trying to fill or erase with the alcohol. I'm trying to help myself.

And yes, I've worked the steps. I've done two 4th steps, which actually were quite similar. And shared the 5th step with a sponsor. That doesn't guarantee sobriety -- getting to the root of our problems DOES. Thus, the therapy.

I've made the decision a million times over to not drink -- usually after doing something stupid, like almost burning down my house in March after putting a fire in the fireplace with the flu closed. But something always happens to change that decision. I'm trying to get to why I make the dumb decision to go back to drinking. Usually, it's isolation - one of the warning signs of relapse. But often, it's nothing.

I'm just trying to get better.

Sometimes you keep walking down the same street, unable to avoid the same pot hole. Sometimes you walk around the pot hole, but you're still on the same street. I am trying to find a different street. (if you get my drift).

I could use a little compassion here.

Jerry

Syl... You can't be serious. If you wait to find out why you drink before stopping, you may never sober up. I applaud your efforts, self knowledge is a good thing, but you have to put the plug in the jug FIRST and LEAVE IT THERE.

This isn't even something to debate over Syl. Working the steps day after day, week after week, month after month is a fantastic journey of discovery. But it has to be done sober. You've heard the expression Just don't drink even if your ass falls off. Sometimes all we AA's have is our sobriety. Some days things just don't go our way, and we have to accept a lot of crap sometimes but we don't drink NO MATTER WHAT.

Stop looking for the right street to go down and ask for directions.

Now to your point about compasson....well I've heard that before from others and it's true. I'm not real big on compassion, but I'm getting better. I truly want every alcoholic to have what I have. The ability to live life on lifes terms, good and bad, without drinking This gift was freely given to me and I try to give back. My method isn't for everyone and that's OK. I have my own style of carrying the message and someone will relate to it.

Mr. Compassion

SylvryMoon

Page 34 in the Big Book:

"For those who are unable to drink moderately the question is how to stop altogether. We are assuming, of course, that the reader desires to stop. Whether such a person can quit uipon a non spiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he has already lost the power to choose whether he will drink or not. Many of us felt that we had plenty of character. There was a tremendous urge to cease forever. Yet we found it impossible. This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it -- this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish."

I desire to quit. I am spiritual. I have character. I have the urge to quit forever. BUT IT IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE. It will happen -- if I work the program.

Jerry, I am working it. And it will happen. Just say a prayer for the still suffering alcoholic, both in and out of the program.