Question of what to do next
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2024
Posts: 2
Question of what to do next
Question of what to do next:
Hello,
I’m trying to get some clarification of the next step to take in my life. It’s a little complicated in that other’s may be affected by my decision. Both my parents are in poor health with my father, in addition to COPD and under-control lung cancer, has recently been diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer that will need radiotherapy. At the moment my father can look after himself but this might change. My mother has mild dementia which is progressing very slowly. She can also look after herself in terms of doing her own shopping, house chores, meeting friends etc. But again, this is likely to change in the future.
Me and my mother live together (not by choice but she moved in with me ten years ago when her second marriage failed. She thought it was ok to do this as she owned half the house – long story!). I’m an alcoholic in early recovery and would like to move on with my life. This mainly means having my own place and getting on with my own life. Although my mother and I get on fine I’ve been very unhappy with the living arrangement for some time but couldn’t get the momentum to do something about it while I was drinking. I also feel that this situation may have a negative impact on my recovery.
I’ve made arrangements to rent an apartment for a month in a location about two hours away and plan to use this as a base to find more permanent accommodation in that area. It’s about seven weeks until I’m due to move but I haven’t told anyone yet. There’s a clause where I can cancel the rental booking up to four weeks before the rental starts so I suppose I’m waiting for some reason in case this is not the right decision.
I feel bad about leaving my parents. My mother is fine looking after herself right now but she is vulnerable and is likely to become more dependent and need more care as her illness progresses. The same is true of my father.
I have two siblings that live nearby and already help out with both parents so in that respect there’ll always be help available. My mother has family nearby who she’s close to.
I need advice on what to do. I need to get on with my life but feel I’m letting my parents down. I work for myself in an IT-related field and can basically do it from anywhere I have an internet connection.
The reason I picked a location two hours away is that it’s near the capital where there may be more opportunities work-wise and also to get away from where I am. Accommodation is very scarce where I live and I haven’t been able to find anything nearby. However, I didn’t try very hard to find something locally.
The best solution might be to find my own place locally and that way I’ll have my own space and be close enough to help out when needed. There’s a part of me though that wants to get away but maybe that’s being selfish? Not sure what to do.
Any advice?
Hello,
I’m trying to get some clarification of the next step to take in my life. It’s a little complicated in that other’s may be affected by my decision. Both my parents are in poor health with my father, in addition to COPD and under-control lung cancer, has recently been diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer that will need radiotherapy. At the moment my father can look after himself but this might change. My mother has mild dementia which is progressing very slowly. She can also look after herself in terms of doing her own shopping, house chores, meeting friends etc. But again, this is likely to change in the future.
Me and my mother live together (not by choice but she moved in with me ten years ago when her second marriage failed. She thought it was ok to do this as she owned half the house – long story!). I’m an alcoholic in early recovery and would like to move on with my life. This mainly means having my own place and getting on with my own life. Although my mother and I get on fine I’ve been very unhappy with the living arrangement for some time but couldn’t get the momentum to do something about it while I was drinking. I also feel that this situation may have a negative impact on my recovery.
I’ve made arrangements to rent an apartment for a month in a location about two hours away and plan to use this as a base to find more permanent accommodation in that area. It’s about seven weeks until I’m due to move but I haven’t told anyone yet. There’s a clause where I can cancel the rental booking up to four weeks before the rental starts so I suppose I’m waiting for some reason in case this is not the right decision.
I feel bad about leaving my parents. My mother is fine looking after herself right now but she is vulnerable and is likely to become more dependent and need more care as her illness progresses. The same is true of my father.
I have two siblings that live nearby and already help out with both parents so in that respect there’ll always be help available. My mother has family nearby who she’s close to.
I need advice on what to do. I need to get on with my life but feel I’m letting my parents down. I work for myself in an IT-related field and can basically do it from anywhere I have an internet connection.
The reason I picked a location two hours away is that it’s near the capital where there may be more opportunities work-wise and also to get away from where I am. Accommodation is very scarce where I live and I haven’t been able to find anything nearby. However, I didn’t try very hard to find something locally.
The best solution might be to find my own place locally and that way I’ll have my own space and be close enough to help out when needed. There’s a part of me though that wants to get away but maybe that’s being selfish? Not sure what to do.
Any advice?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,457
Welcome to SR Sobermms - thats a tough one.
I'm sure you'll get a range of answers and experiences here.
Its ok to be burnt out.
Caring for someone else can be incredibly hard.
I think it's important your siblings do their bit, and in most towns/cities around the world there are also community places that offer respite care for a day or so for your loved one/s.
These two things seem at odds with each other, though.
If you want to move far enough away that you won't be involved in day to day caring anymore you should own that - but be ready for the consequences and family fall out, especially if you're newly sober, I think?
D
I'm sure you'll get a range of answers and experiences here.
Its ok to be burnt out.
Caring for someone else can be incredibly hard.
I think it's important your siblings do their bit, and in most towns/cities around the world there are also community places that offer respite care for a day or so for your loved one/s.
I work for myself in an IT-related field and can basically do it from anywhere I have an internet connection.
The reason I picked a location two hours away is that it’s near the capital where there may be more opportunities work-wise
The reason I picked a location two hours away is that it’s near the capital where there may be more opportunities work-wise
and also to get away from where I am.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2024
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Welcome to SR Sobermms - thats a tough one.
I'm sure you'll get a range of answers and experiences here.
Its ok to be burnt out.
Caring for someone else can be incredibly hard.
I think it's important your siblings do their bit, and in most towns/cities around the world there are also community places that offer respite care for a day or so for your loved one/s.
These two things seem at odds with each other, though.
If you want to move far enough away that you won't be involved in day to day caring anymore you should own that - but be ready for the consequences and family fall out, especially if you're newly sober, I think?
D
I'm sure you'll get a range of answers and experiences here.
Its ok to be burnt out.
Caring for someone else can be incredibly hard.
I think it's important your siblings do their bit, and in most towns/cities around the world there are also community places that offer respite care for a day or so for your loved one/s.
These two things seem at odds with each other, though.
If you want to move far enough away that you won't be involved in day to day caring anymore you should own that - but be ready for the consequences and family fall out, especially if you're newly sober, I think?
D
Sober since October 24, 1997
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Otero County, New Mexico
Posts: 108
Well, the best I can say is keep things as simple as possible. As best as you can, develop a sense of what will get in your way in the future and find some way of dealing with impending roadblocks that may interfere with becoming sober, if that is possible. The late, great, John Lennon said: "Life is what happens while you are making other plans." What goes along with that is this (the secular version):
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Everybody is different, and that includes the road we take to sobriety. From "reading between the lines" in your post, you have analyzed where things are right now, your thoughts are organized, and you already have some kind of basic plan for the future, plus you want input that will increase your chances for success in becoming sober. Seems to me you are off to a good start.
For some, getting to sobriety can be rough, for others it isn't quite so rough.
If it is any help, I was a professional drunk for 20 years, but not the falling down helpless kind who didn't stop until I saw the bottom of the bottle. I did reach a point and then stopped for the day because the next day was a new opportunity to do it all over again. When I made up my mind to quit drinking, I did it by myself, and I only had to do it once, which was over 26 years ago. By about two weeks sober, I no longer knew how many days it had been since I quit. Hopefully it will be as easy for you. But I did drink for 20 years. No two alcoholics are alike except for one thing, which is they drink and don't stop. All sober alcoholics are alike, which is they stay sober one day at a time.
Kind of funny about staying sober one day at a time, I used to drink one day at a time, too, but now I don't.
Good Luck!
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Everybody is different, and that includes the road we take to sobriety. From "reading between the lines" in your post, you have analyzed where things are right now, your thoughts are organized, and you already have some kind of basic plan for the future, plus you want input that will increase your chances for success in becoming sober. Seems to me you are off to a good start.
For some, getting to sobriety can be rough, for others it isn't quite so rough.
If it is any help, I was a professional drunk for 20 years, but not the falling down helpless kind who didn't stop until I saw the bottom of the bottle. I did reach a point and then stopped for the day because the next day was a new opportunity to do it all over again. When I made up my mind to quit drinking, I did it by myself, and I only had to do it once, which was over 26 years ago. By about two weeks sober, I no longer knew how many days it had been since I quit. Hopefully it will be as easy for you. But I did drink for 20 years. No two alcoholics are alike except for one thing, which is they drink and don't stop. All sober alcoholics are alike, which is they stay sober one day at a time.
Kind of funny about staying sober one day at a time, I used to drink one day at a time, too, but now I don't.
Good Luck!
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