100

I found myself drinking again, I was with non aa friends skiing in Canada, I said screw it I don't care anymore, I hate my life it doesn't matter. so I drank and had a great weekend, then came home and kept drinking way to much. it ended with me feeling so profoundly depressed. i found soberity to be hell, and drinking to suck even more. I realize weed doesn't do anything really, nicotine is terrible and doesn't do anything. I don't want to live like this anymore, I just don't know what to do. I have also used weed for 20 consecutive days non stop. man this has been my worst relapse in a long time and it wasn't all that painful physically, it only really hurt once I sobered up and realized how out of control I was. I need help, I just don't know what to do. I'm so depressed I can barely leave the house, so anxious when I'm in public l
I feel people are constantly judging me, condemning me. I feel anxious when I go to aa because I worry I'm staring at people, were do I put my gaze, did I look in that direction to long. I'm so anxious in social situations its not fun, I can't enjoy them. the people are great its all me. aa does help a lot all my friends are in aa. it's just my social anxiety is bad, and Isolate because of it, as well as depression. at a meeting my friend asked if I was okay and I started crying when she huged me. that ment everything that someone cared, when my head tells me no one cares. my only hope is the steps will change me because I can't stand feeling like this. I'm so screwed, I can't fix myself. I still don't know what to do but I know using won't help. I know something terrible will happen if I drink again.
David

Dee74

I think its important to start again David - it's not meant to be a ordeal or a punishment to start again - every single person in that AA or NA meeting has been where you are.

I hope you can see now how all your addictions are intertwined. Guys like us can't just deal with one and let the others slide.

Recovery means a lot of tough choices and a lot of saying no - but it's worth it

D

RecklessDrunk

This is going to sound so off the wall. It did for me.

It might be worth a shot.

Have you ever considered high functioning Autism?

You may want to research. It probably sounds crazy but the way you struggle with people. I can kind of relate.

Especially if your above, even way, way above average IQ. Yet can't ever seem to be good enough. Nobody ever knew why. Its always some bs crap from professionals, its depression, its ADHD, its bi polar. It took until my 40s but it was nice to understand why I'm so different. Its very tricky for professionals to pick up on. Especially if you're middle aged now. They really didn't know much about it when we were kids. Once I understood it a little and heard the experiences of others, so many things from throughout my life started to make sense. Kind of another layer after understanding my alcoholism.

Like alcoholism there are lot of you tube speakers about it. There are quizzes online as well that give you an idea if you might be "on the spectrum ".

100

yeah I'm on the spectrum, people like me, I just don't like myself. I drank tonight again, I can't stop getting high. I'm really scared, I'm going off the rails. I think I need rehab, or something.im not sure what I need to do, but I need to do something. I m sober know and feeling shaky, not to bad though. anyway I need help because I can't stop, not without help. I got to stop living to myself I don't got this, I'm in trouble. I'm so burned out, I've been using and drinking a lot for weeks now. I've been using for 6 straight weeks almost every single day. im have pretend convos with myself, talking to people in recovery and pretending thier helping me. this is my worst relapse since I've gotten in recovery this time. I'm very close to becoming an every day drunk again. basically I'm thier. I'm going to aa tomorrow after work and asking gor help.

David

Dee74

You've stopped before David, You can again
Ask for help tomorrow,

D

RecklessDrunk

The World would be such a simpler place if we were the majority. Its not that we're messed up. We are generally straight forward, honest, and caring people. Normal people are messed up. Their need for eye contact, small talk, and social media validation. They are in the majority and it takes a lot of perseverance to try and crack the code and blend into their world. Its tough but God made us this way for a reason. We're still here and we're not quitting. Its been a struggle to say the least. Its so worth it though. Removing the alcohol can seem terrifying but it in the long run it seems to make blending in more achievable. Alcohol can at times present the illusion that we are communicating better but, at least for me it was making me even more nuts over time. Like the boomerang they speak of in the big book.