Suomi Poika

Damn!

Damn! Damn! Damn!

I'm not sober. It was an extremely bad day that I should have known how to cope with. I should have gone home and hidden under the bed many hours ago.

It takes all I can do, to write this, so that someone can hopefully understand it.

This morning, I thoughty it has been a wonderful couple of days. Raised lots of money for the homeless. Got tons of food. Donated hundreds of pounds of venison. Gave hundreds of winter coats. Just since Friday nifght.

It is no excuse. The owner of my company is an ass. He thinkgs I'm a fool for doign this in my spare time. No dontations this year. No bonuses for employees. Made me get rid of good employees today. Made him millions this year. Tonight was beer, wine, and whiskey.

I know what I'll feel like in the morning. My remaining AA employees will take one look at my eyes, they'll smell me, and they will know. Uffda! What did I do?

Damn! Damn! Damn!

6:00 am sure will come soon. Oy!

Tomorrow I look for a better job!

Toivo

Brookie

Toivo - What can I say. I hate to read this. We're all here for you amigo, and there's a chair waiting for you at a meeting tomorrow. Time to look forward.

Best,
Joe

jlo34

I'm with Joe. When you wake up, it's a new day. Make a conscious decision to stay sober. Thank God you're alive and for another chance at a new day sober. Get to meetings. The tools are there, pick them up and use them.

We love you and support you,
Jen

JaySee

Hi Toivo

I ran and hid in my early days of AA, whether it was under the bedclothes or in a bottle/beer glass. But this brought the same $hit I was trying to get away from, alcohol and its four horsemen.

What I do now is pick up the phone and call an AA member. I did not want to at first.... "hell no, why would I want to phone some loser from AA..??". My pride wouldn't let me, and my fear wouldn't let me. I had to drop that pride/fear and pick up the phone. Phoning other members of the fellowship has actually stopped me from drinking several times.

But that's me, hope it helps.

much love
JC

icecream pete

Hi Toivo,

Hope you dont feel too bad this morning. Then was then its done and behind you , what ever you do dont say "what the ****" and continue drinking today, that'll just lead to more pain and suffering and an even bigger struggle than you face right now. Take care of yourself and dont beat yourself up over it just move forward.

Take care

Pete

Music

Toivo,
Thanks for letting me know that drinking still isn't a good idea.
Unlike the others here, I hope you have the worst hangover ever, and feel bad enough to make you not want to drink again even if your boss sucks and people just don't appreciate all the good that you do for others. What your boss does or doesn't do; whether or not you gain recognition for a job well done or not, has nothing whatsoever to do with whether or not you drink. Your boss is under no obligation to give gifts of any kind, and there are millions of people who give until their butt falls off and nobody ever knows what they're doing. That's true humility when I give and remain anonymous.

My soul responsibility today is not to worry about what others do or don't do. My soul responsibility today is to not drink, no matter what, even if my butt falls off. Everything that comes after that is icing on the cake.

Cap3

The beer,wine and whiskey did'nt change events,or people,. When you wake up with a hangover.You,,may be, still thinking that your boss is an ass,.Drinking didn't change him at all.,or the way you think about him,or situations.,in life..It did'nt get those jobs back for others.It changed nothing..........You only hurt,yourself.....Its not about..them.its about..your recovery,no matter what.......Dust yourself off.Pick yourself up,and go again,with your recovery.Step one....Keep,,on,,keeping on...

Anna

Hi Toivo,

It makes me feel so sad to read your post. It's such a fine line that we walk and sometimes it takes so much work.

Hang in there!

Anna

Time2Surrender

Toivo,yesterday is gone.Today is another day.Get to a meeting and dont be so hard on your self.We are here for you if you need us.

NoMoBeer

Hi Toivo:
Thanks for keeping me sober today as well. You can be sober today if you just don't drink today...

Like Music, I hope you felt like crap this morning, so that you'll remember just what this sh!t does to us. AND it still won't make all the other things go away.

You've posted some great stuff on these boards, so you know we are all praying and pulling for you to stay sober today.

S.L.I.P. = Sobriety Loses Its Priority. Sobriety must be my #1 priority today.

Glad you posted and know what happened. You can't do anything about what already happened, so don't beat yourself up and get busy with your program.

Welcome back.

Ken

BubbaBob

Toivo, you really showed him, eh? He's a ***** so you got drunk...remind me...this punishes him for being a ***** just...how?

OK...smartass mode off.

From Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 64
"Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else."

From Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 66
"If we were to live we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison."

From As Bill Sees It, p. 5
"...this business of resentment is infinitely grave. For then we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit."

As much as I hate cute little sayings, "let go and let God" is something I MUST practice when I start feeling self-rightous anger...otherwise I WILL drink.

Your message, despite denial, says that, at least in part, you let your boss make you drink. Nope. Your drinking was your CHOICE. That is one reason that we tread on dangerous ground when we take the inventory of anyone but ourself.

BubbaBob

IMHomerSimpson

I feel the same feelings you are getting now,only I have many more of "these" days than you do.You are a "sober" member here,I am not,so I encourage you to stay sober(like youve been) and keep helping me get through this as softly as possible. You DID what you did NOT want to really do,so what,it happens,just get back to reality(your sober life) and go from there only remembering how this thing happened.Dont give up!!!! I could still use reading your "positive" posts. Patrick

jlo34

BubbaBob right on. Resentment IS the number one offender along with "justified" anger. Had a bout with that over the summer, somehow I managed not to use, sure did consume a lot of me though and dropped me to my knees to surrender it. Only way I believe I survived was by going to more meetings, talking with my sponsor, getting a second sponsor, going to 12&12 tables, going to Big Book tables, opening the Big Book on my own and reading it, getting down on my knees and praying (begging), seeking out extra support from my meetings, finding this site and reaching out, getting serious and busy about step work and working with others. These are the things that got me sober...got complacent, forgot it's a WE program not I. Thank God, God guided me and you people guided me back to where I NEED to be and WANT to be. I have some peace again, I have a pinch of serenity again, and I'll be darned, I've got a whole lot of gratitude again.

Note to Homer - the easier, softer way has NEVER worked for me. If I want to get sober and stay sober there are certain things I HAVE TO DO. I've read quite a few of your posts, Patrick, I've said and continue to say prayers for you...your sobriety is absolutely contingent on the amount of effort YOU put into it.

Suomi Poika

Thanks all. I certainly appreciate all the comments. This is why we are all here.

Thankfully, these kinds of days come farther and farther apart for me. I've certainly done a lot worse.

I chuckled to myself this morning. I felt a lot better than I thought I would, but I did sleep in for about an extra ten minutes -- I always get to work well before any of the employees, so I figured this wouldn't be a problem. I had a good hearty breakfast, figuring it would get me through the morning. Still on time.

Then I opened the garage door. Surprise! I'd forgotten that I had the good sense to get a ride home last night. One of my employees, who celebrated 18 years clean and sober as of this past Sunday, picked me up. It was humbling.

Good or bad, I do always feel that these things aren't totally negative if they don't repeat and get completely out of control. Its amazing what it does for our resolve.

[Especially to Homer -- the days between slips will get longer and longer, the slips will get less and less, and the resolve will get stronger and stronger with each slip -- but always plan that each slip was the last!]

Anyway, having done this stupid thing, I am now totally confident that I won't have any problem making it through the remainder of the holidays.

Actually, that was pretty much a conclusion reached a while back -- I just didn't plan for yesterday! Virtually every night from tomorrow through January 2 is planned. I will be surrounded by people who will be looking out for each other -- and me. New Year's Eve includes a number of us with the same problem, and lots of kids, including the grandkids.

I also see, that as I write this, about 165 people have looked at this in about the past 20 hours. Maybe my mistake kept a few somebodies from drinking today, and maybe it will help a few get through the holidays.

Lastly, maybe some of yesterday's anguish had some impact. When my wife arrived at work this morning, the owner sent her out to get holiday cash envelopes and a bunch of $100 bills. Just before lunch time, the owner walked around, and gave an envelope to each of our remaining employees!

I'll be pretty busy for the next several days. Thanks to everyone for their concern. Have a great Christmas, or whatever holiday you may choose to celebrate, and have and wonderful sober New Years.

Drop a little in a kettle each time you pass. Drop a bag at the local food bank. Clean out the closet, you'll never miss some of those winter clothes.

Life is good,

Toivo

P.S. to Brookie -- I think you went too far north. The deer were suicidal here in WV.

jlo34

[Especially to Homer -- the days between slips will get longer and longer, the slips will get less and less, and the resolve will get stronger and stronger with each slip -- but always plan that each slip was the last!]


I can guarantee that I have another drunk in me, I sure can't guarantee that I have another sobriety in me. Choosing NOT to stay sober and relapsing / slipping, whatever, is NOT a requirement or necessary. Not EVERYONE chooses to play Russian Roulette. The only requirement is a DESIRE TO STOP DRINKING. All the tools are in black and white in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, you can learn more tools by going to meetings and listening. The biggest tool is a POWER GREATER THAN YOURSELF.

NoMoBeer

Toivo:
Glad you made it back in one piece.

"...we though we could find an easier, softer way -- but we could not."

It takes what it takes.

Ken

Tommyh

learn something from it
I did

In memory of miracle

Keep the faith..all will be well,Trish

splendra

any excuse will do as you well know......

TAYLORE63

Hey, That Was Yesterday. Let's Give Being Sober A Try Today. Don't Look For, Or Wonder About Tommorow. But When It Comes, Just Try To Be Sober For That Day. It Works, Give It A Try.

And Don't Beat Yourself Up. Good Luck And May God Bless You. You Have A Huge Supporting Cast.