Dating a struggling recovering alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 4
Dating a struggling recovering alcoholic
My boyfriend and I have known each other for 30 years, hung out in high school but over time lost touch, stayed in touch and in February I guess fate tried again and we talked, texted found that we have a connection and confessed our feelings for each other. In this time his life went downhill, he suffered trauma, lost his father, marriage failed only sees his kids supervised once a week his ex doesn't trust him. I know what his triggers are he's been very open and honest about his relapses but tries to handle it on his own. I've asked him about meetings , sponsors he doesn't do either one. His mother is a recovering alcoholic. I've been through all of his mood swings he says he would never hurt me doesn't want to end what we've started and I agree. Fast forward to two weeks ago he said he's being admitted to the ER to detox. I texted him Father's Day, no response I texted him today no response but I saw he's on Facebook??? Why, ? Should I confront him or just let it go knowing that I love him
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Hi Sommer - welcome 
Unfortunately being with an active alcoholic promises a lifetime of this stuff, at least until such time as he commits to permanent recovery.
If I have it right, you've known each other for 30 years but its only been a few months you've been together - if he's giving you nothing to go on and his ghosting you now, that's a pretty good indicator right now his priority is not you and the relationship.
You need to decide how much you'll take of this and how long.
Please so also check out our Family and Friends forum too - you'll find a lot of support down there as well
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
D
Unfortunately being with an active alcoholic promises a lifetime of this stuff, at least until such time as he commits to permanent recovery.
If I have it right, you've known each other for 30 years but its only been a few months you've been together - if he's giving you nothing to go on and his ghosting you now, that's a pretty good indicator right now his priority is not you and the relationship.
You need to decide how much you'll take of this and how long.
Please so also check out our Family and Friends forum too - you'll find a lot of support down there as well
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 4
Dating a struggling recovering alcoholic
[QUOTE=Dee74;7819428]Hi Sommer - welcome
Unfortunately being with an active alcoholic promises a lifetime of this stuff, at least until such time as he commits to permanent recovery.
If I have it right, you've known each other for 30 years but its only been a few months you've been together - if he's giving you nothing to go on and his ghosting you now, that's a pretty good indicator right now his priority is not you and the relationship.
You need to decide how much you'll take of this and how long.
Please so also check out our Family and Friends forum too - you'll find a lot of support down there as well
I can understand if he is deciding to take sobriety seriously and putting our relationship on pause until he gets his life under control. What I don't understand is not talking to me at all but he can go on Facebook His family knows about us and so does my family I am trying to understand this disease but I am struggling
Unfortunately being with an active alcoholic promises a lifetime of this stuff, at least until such time as he commits to permanent recovery.
If I have it right, you've known each other for 30 years but its only been a few months you've been together - if he's giving you nothing to go on and his ghosting you now, that's a pretty good indicator right now his priority is not you and the relationship.
You need to decide how much you'll take of this and how long.
Please so also check out our Family and Friends forum too - you'll find a lot of support down there as well
I can understand if he is deciding to take sobriety seriously and putting our relationship on pause until he gets his life under control. What I don't understand is not talking to me at all but he can go on Facebook His family knows about us and so does my family I am trying to understand this disease but I am struggling
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,648
Hi sommer. Most importantly, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it, the 3c's.
Maybe he hasn't even quit, maybe he is too ashamed to admit that. Maybe he knows he can't have a relationship with you while in active alcoholism.
As Dee mentioned, I hope you will visit the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum and read the threads there, that will give you a good understanding of many things related to alcoholism. You will also find a lot of stories you will relate to I'm sure.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Also post there too, if you like, of course!
Maybe he hasn't even quit, maybe he is too ashamed to admit that. Maybe he knows he can't have a relationship with you while in active alcoholism.
As Dee mentioned, I hope you will visit the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum and read the threads there, that will give you a good understanding of many things related to alcoholism. You will also find a lot of stories you will relate to I'm sure.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Also post there too, if you like, of course!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
hello Sommer,
just to add another caution: judges don’t give a parent only a once-a-week supervised visit unless there is good reason for that. mistrust by an ex would not be sufficient for that unless based on solid evidence.
hope you will chat with some of the folks in Family and Friends section and find it helpful.
just to add another caution: judges don’t give a parent only a once-a-week supervised visit unless there is good reason for that. mistrust by an ex would not be sufficient for that unless based on solid evidence.
hope you will chat with some of the folks in Family and Friends section and find it helpful.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Also, just maybe he's not interested in going any further with a relationship with you (or with anyone) - for whatever reason. Unfortunately that happens all the time even if alcohol isn't involved, and especially when there is a bad divorce in the past. Ghosting is the coward's way out, and you definitely don't deserve that but if he can treat you like this is he really someone you want to have in your life?
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Bottom lines have already been offered previously. I totally agree.
My periodic offering/therapy given in the form of "maybe something I type will help you"....my 2 cents are...
There is no mystery when it comes to us drunks. Basically, it is anything can happen. I was not an angry drunk, usually, but I was drunk a whole bunch. When I think back, I shudder. Never again. God help me.
Folks come here for some feedback and thankfully can get it without interruption and almost always generally thought out and considered.
Drunks will do whatever it takes to get their fix. Everything from a good movie on tv, imagining a bad/good day at work, and all the way to getting a divorce or worse etc.
Dealing with an active addict is dealing with a person not in their right mind. Quitting exposes more of the damage booze caused/masked.
It is chemical and physical. The brain is forever altered. I still have constant reminders of triggers that I drank over.
Wanting to quit is the first step. After that it is like getting through an off and on again living hell on earth.
Many, including myself, might not make it out. I know better and have accepted that I am an addict for life. Booze is poison to me.
Just saw a rock show (again) last night. This time it was the performer who was drinking. It seemed to me he was pretty wasted and he was making excuses for his drinking. I was cringing for him a bit. Prayers for him.
As a non active addict I really love to obsess over the finer points of getting/staying clean. It is like therapy.
Life is a journey and I hope this helps in some way.
Prayers for your peace, contentment, happiness, and continued actualization.
Thanks.
My periodic offering/therapy given in the form of "maybe something I type will help you"....my 2 cents are...
There is no mystery when it comes to us drunks. Basically, it is anything can happen. I was not an angry drunk, usually, but I was drunk a whole bunch. When I think back, I shudder. Never again. God help me.
Folks come here for some feedback and thankfully can get it without interruption and almost always generally thought out and considered.
Drunks will do whatever it takes to get their fix. Everything from a good movie on tv, imagining a bad/good day at work, and all the way to getting a divorce or worse etc.
Dealing with an active addict is dealing with a person not in their right mind. Quitting exposes more of the damage booze caused/masked.
It is chemical and physical. The brain is forever altered. I still have constant reminders of triggers that I drank over.
Wanting to quit is the first step. After that it is like getting through an off and on again living hell on earth.
Many, including myself, might not make it out. I know better and have accepted that I am an addict for life. Booze is poison to me.
Just saw a rock show (again) last night. This time it was the performer who was drinking. It seemed to me he was pretty wasted and he was making excuses for his drinking. I was cringing for him a bit. Prayers for him.
As a non active addict I really love to obsess over the finer points of getting/staying clean. It is like therapy.
Life is a journey and I hope this helps in some way.
Prayers for your peace, contentment, happiness, and continued actualization.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 270
Originally Posted by fini 
hello Sommer,
just to add another caution: judges don’t give a parent only a once-a-week supervised visit unless there is good reason for that. mistrust by an ex would not be sufficient for that unless based on solid evidence.
hope you will chat with some of the folks in Family and Friends section and find it helpful.
just to add another caution: judges don’t give a parent only a once-a-week supervised visit unless there is good reason for that. mistrust by an ex would not be sufficient for that unless based on solid evidence.
hope you will chat with some of the folks in Family and Friends section and find it helpful.
Maybe he's on Facebook on his PC but his phone is flat?
Or maybe he's a drunken ass.
You need to confront him before assuming the worst.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 270
Originally Posted by D122y
It is chemical and physical. The brain is forever altered. I still have constant reminders of triggers that I drank over.
IMO a drunk makes a ****** partner, but everything I've heard from OP is yet to indicate that he is blowing her off for massive benders or anything.
If you truly care for him tread carefully, set hard and fast rules with consequences and make sure to follow through.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 270
Sorry for the 3 replies - I can't seem to edit the last two. Some hospitals don't allow phones either.
I have to admit - I quit without ever going to detox (I used prescribed benzos at home for prophlaxis against seizures), AA, SMART recovery or anything. I was adamantly against group meetings because of privacy (I am recognisable) and social anxiety.
About 6-12 months off of alcohol my SA went away (mostly). Just because someone won't go to AA doesn't mean they're not serious. The following is a quote from my wife "I love you because you never stop trying to give up. If you fail, that sucks, but I know you will try again". The downside. It took 7 years of active trying and 2 prior years of passive trying to give up the booze.
She married me knowing full well I had been an alcoholic for 8 years and a heavy drug user prior. She is as close to a saint as you can imagine.
I was always a happy drunk, and I always drank at home or at friends BBQs/dinners`. I could drink 2 fifths and still code high tech software at 3am. I could still renovate a house in that state. I could still save money in that state. This is not true of everyone. Some people get abusive towards their family, crash cars, cheat on their partners, hide at the pub/bar etc.
I had so, so many (non-drinkers) telling me how much more fun I was when I drank but even then I was committed to stop. It was horrible, painful, sad, angering, but overall worth it. My weight is down 100lbs, my blood pressure is down from 160/100 to 107/72. I wake up clear headed.
If I can do this alone then so can many people, maybe including him.
However: I don't want to offer false hope. He may also fail time and time again until it's too late. Can you be there while he suffers ascites, cirrhosis, and abdominal varices? You gotta decide what you think his chances of quitting are, and how much you will put up with.
I have to admit - I quit without ever going to detox (I used prescribed benzos at home for prophlaxis against seizures), AA, SMART recovery or anything. I was adamantly against group meetings because of privacy (I am recognisable) and social anxiety.
About 6-12 months off of alcohol my SA went away (mostly). Just because someone won't go to AA doesn't mean they're not serious. The following is a quote from my wife "I love you because you never stop trying to give up. If you fail, that sucks, but I know you will try again". The downside. It took 7 years of active trying and 2 prior years of passive trying to give up the booze.
She married me knowing full well I had been an alcoholic for 8 years and a heavy drug user prior. She is as close to a saint as you can imagine.
I was always a happy drunk, and I always drank at home or at friends BBQs/dinners`. I could drink 2 fifths and still code high tech software at 3am. I could still renovate a house in that state. I could still save money in that state. This is not true of everyone. Some people get abusive towards their family, crash cars, cheat on their partners, hide at the pub/bar etc.
I had so, so many (non-drinkers) telling me how much more fun I was when I drank but even then I was committed to stop. It was horrible, painful, sad, angering, but overall worth it. My weight is down 100lbs, my blood pressure is down from 160/100 to 107/72. I wake up clear headed.
If I can do this alone then so can many people, maybe including him.
However: I don't want to offer false hope. He may also fail time and time again until it's too late. Can you be there while he suffers ascites, cirrhosis, and abdominal varices? You gotta decide what you think his chances of quitting are, and how much you will put up with.
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