Notices

Making Amends for Having Feelings

Old 05-20-2022, 08:31 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
The opposite of addiction is connection.
Thread Starter
 
PinnacleOR's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 373
Making Amends for Having Feelings

Hi All, itís been a while since I visited this site but Iíve always appreciated your sage advice!

Iím active in AA now and have worked the steps once. Recently, I struck up a friendship with someone in the fellowship and over the course of a few months developed feelings and attraction toward them. It got to the point that I decided to be honest and tell them. Problem is, they are engaged to be married this summer.

Based on my feelings toward them and that we are both in recovery, this person asked me to stop contacting them. I certainly understand their point of view.

While I know feelings and attraction are natural human emotions, I also am conflicted on whether I owe this person an amends. They wanted friendship. That wasnít enough for me, I wanted more. I never intentionally meant to harm this person.

Any wise words of wisdom? Do I have anything I need to apologize for?

Last edited by PinnacleOR; 05-20-2022 at 08:32 PM. Reason: Typo
PinnacleOR is offline  
Old 05-20-2022, 08:49 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,311
If the person asked you to stop contacting them I'd go with that.
D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 05-20-2022, 09:28 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
The opposite of addiction is connection.
Thread Starter
 
PinnacleOR's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 373
Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
If the person asked you to stop contacting them I'd go with that.
D
i did stop, per their request. So youíre saying no more amends needed? Just let it be?
PinnacleOR is offline  
Old 05-20-2022, 09:41 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,311
First off I'm not in AA. Second, I'm not qualified to judge whether amends are needed - only you can do that, I think.

But the step says something like "we made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.Ē (my emphasis)

Like I said not AA but I knew I had to make amends.
I made my life a kind of living amends to all those I could not make amends with. I try to be of service and do good things.

You'll have to decide whether this amends should be made, and if so should it made in a different way?

What does your sponsor say?
D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 05-21-2022, 11:04 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Originally Posted by PinnacleOR View Post
i did stop, per their request. So youíre saying no more amends needed? Just let it be?
ďMade a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.Ē

You met someone, developed feelings for them, told them, they said we shouldn't keep in touch so you don't.

What harm was done? Maybe I'm not understanding.



trailmix is offline  
Old 05-21-2022, 11:16 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,848
I agree with Dee. They asked for no contact. So far, you have respected that request. You should continue to do so.
suki44883 is offline  
Old 05-21-2022, 02:46 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Sober Alcoholic
 
awuh1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
You were honest and upfront with them and you intended no harm. Dee's 100% correct IMO.
awuh1 is offline  
Old 05-21-2022, 06:42 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Ringside's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 103
Your sponsor would surely be a good resource for this question?
Ringside is online now  
Old 05-21-2022, 07:39 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
fini's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,241
sounds firstly like no harm was done.
and secondly, they asked for no-contact. even if you had harmed them, you couldn’t make direct amends without seriously disrespecting their clearly stated boundary.
leave them be.
fini is offline  
Old 05-22-2022, 08:14 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
advbike's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
No amends needed. You did nothing wrong. I am attracted to people all the time - it's human nature. As far as I know, having an attraction for someone is not harming them, unless those feelings cause you to act in some way that does.
advbike is offline  
Old 05-28-2022, 02:25 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
NYCDoglvr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I don't think you owe an amends. Simply honor the other person's request for privacy and it's fine.
NYCDoglvr is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:51 PM.