Making Amends for Having Feelings
The opposite of addiction is connection.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 373
Making Amends for Having Feelings
Hi All, it’s been a while since I visited this site but I’ve always appreciated your sage advice!
I’m active in AA now and have worked the steps once. Recently, I struck up a friendship with someone in the fellowship and over the course of a few months developed feelings and attraction toward them. It got to the point that I decided to be honest and tell them. Problem is, they are engaged to be married this summer.
Based on my feelings toward them and that we are both in recovery, this person asked me to stop contacting them. I certainly understand their point of view.
While I know feelings and attraction are natural human emotions, I also am conflicted on whether I owe this person an amends. They wanted friendship. That wasn’t enough for me, I wanted more. I never intentionally meant to harm this person.
Any wise words of wisdom? Do I have anything I need to apologize for?
I’m active in AA now and have worked the steps once. Recently, I struck up a friendship with someone in the fellowship and over the course of a few months developed feelings and attraction toward them. It got to the point that I decided to be honest and tell them. Problem is, they are engaged to be married this summer.
Based on my feelings toward them and that we are both in recovery, this person asked me to stop contacting them. I certainly understand their point of view.
While I know feelings and attraction are natural human emotions, I also am conflicted on whether I owe this person an amends. They wanted friendship. That wasn’t enough for me, I wanted more. I never intentionally meant to harm this person.
Any wise words of wisdom? Do I have anything I need to apologize for?
Last edited by PinnacleOR; 05-20-2022 at 08:32 PM. Reason: Typo
The opposite of addiction is connection.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 373
Originally Posted by Dee74 
If the person asked you to stop contacting them I'd go with that.
D
D
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
First off I'm not in AA. Second, I'm not qualified to judge whether amends are needed - only you can do that, I think.
But the step says something like "we made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” (my emphasis)
Like I said not AA but I knew I had to make amends.
I made my life a kind of living amends to all those I could not make amends with. I try to be of service and do good things.
You'll have to decide whether this amends should be made, and if so should it made in a different way?
What does your sponsor say?
D
But the step says something like "we made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” (my emphasis)
Like I said not AA but I knew I had to make amends.
I made my life a kind of living amends to all those I could not make amends with. I try to be of service and do good things.
You'll have to decide whether this amends should be made, and if so should it made in a different way?
What does your sponsor say?
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
Originally Posted by PinnacleOR
i did stop, per their request. So you’re saying no more amends needed? Just let it be?
You met someone, developed feelings for them, told them, they said we shouldn't keep in touch so you don't.
What harm was done? Maybe I'm not understanding.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
sounds firstly like no harm was done.
and secondly, they asked for no-contact. even if you had harmed them, you couldn’t make direct amends without seriously disrespecting their clearly stated boundary.
leave them be.
and secondly, they asked for no-contact. even if you had harmed them, you couldn’t make direct amends without seriously disrespecting their clearly stated boundary.
leave them be.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
No amends needed. You did nothing wrong. I am attracted to people all the time - it's human nature. As far as I know, having an attraction for someone is not harming them, unless those feelings cause you to act in some way that does.
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