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Husband in Rehab

Old 05-08-2022, 03:49 AM
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Husband in Rehab

Hi, Iím new here! My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for 10. We have been really close and most of the time, he is loving. In the past few years, his drinking became worse, and he did become verbally abusive. That would cause fights between us. Heís never been physically abusive.
Last year, he went through a stressful time at work. He drank a lot and I ended up taking him to the hospital for detox, and he was admitted to a rehab center. We didnít have health insurance at the time, and they only kept him a week. He didnít stick with it, and was quickly drinking again.
Due to our home leaking and being broken into, heís been staying with his mom and Iíve been staying with my parents, and weíve been saving to buy a house. We have one picked out that we are going to buy from a friend who moved out of state.
His mom is his enabler. Iíve caught her many times through the years bring him alcohol and hiding it for him. Her and I have butted heads over this. So, as heís staying with her, heís gotten worse. I donít talk to her much due to this.
Suddenly last week, he told his employer and myself that heís taking time off and getting help. He said heís tired of it, and he wants a better life. He apologized to me, said heís ashamed, and wants to be a better man. I now have health insurance, so he called them and found himself a rehab. He left Tuesday, for 35 days.
I have been in contact with his counselor and I joined family sessions. I want to help as much as I can. I also have to write a letter about how his alcoholism has impacted me.
Iím proud of him. However, after reading message boards and other things about rehab, Iím worried about the rehab romances! Iím sick to my stomach. My husband has never been unfaithful, Iíve never really worried about it. He works with men in the logging industry. He always works hard. Heís always home, He never went to bars or anything like that. He drinks at home alone (or at his momís recently).
Every weekend was spent with me.
This is new territory, and heís hundreds of miles from home. He seems very determined to get into the road to recovery, but will women there try to seduce him? Thatís what Iím wondering, and I canít get it out of my head after reading about it.
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Old 05-08-2022, 04:49 AM
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Hi Smile, and welcome!

I think it's very promising that your husband did the research and made arrangements to go to rehab. I do believe the only way an addict can make a real start in recovery is to get in the driver's seat.

Rehab romances happen, sure. To me, those 'relationships' spring up between people who aren't dead serious about working on themselves and their recovery. We alcoholics have a tendency to transfer obsessions, but in my experience, most people who are commited to making a change in themselves don't fall for the new romance trap. If your husband is serious (and it sounds like he may be), I wouldn't worry about it. If it gives you any comfort, my rehab experience is that boy-girl socialization is frowned upon.

If I might offer some advice, I would suggest that you take this time as your own "rehab." Focus on your own stuff and give him the space to work on his. It sounds like the letter about the impact of his alcoholism on you is a request from the rehab? If so, I suggest that you keep it focussed on yourself and that this is the only communication you should initiate with him. He will call you, write or invite you to visit when he's ready. In the meantime, it seems you may be able to benefit from attending a program for people who love alcoholics such as Al-Anon.

I understand the fear you are expressing and I know it's real. But please try to let it go. You and I have zero control over what other people do, you know? The best we can do is learn to be our own authentic wonderful selves regardless of what anyone else does or doesn't do.

I wish you both the best possible outcomes from this new journey.

O
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Old 05-08-2022, 05:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Smile4612 View Post
Hi, Iím new here! My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for 10. We have been really close and most of the time, he is loving. In the past few years, his drinking became worse, and he did become verbally abusive. That would cause fights between us. Heís never been physically abusive.
Last year, he went through a stressful time at work. He drank a lot and I ended up taking him to the hospital for detox, and he was admitted to a rehab center. We didnít have health insurance at the time, and they only kept him a week. He didnít stick with it, and was quickly drinking again.
Due to our home leaking and being broken into, heís been staying with his mom and Iíve been staying with my parents, and weíve been saving to buy a house. We have one picked out that we are going to buy from a friend who moved out of state.
His mom is his enabler. Iíve caught her many times through the years bring him alcohol and hiding it for him. Her and I have butted heads over this. So, as heís staying with her, heís gotten worse. I donít talk to her much due to this.
Suddenly last week, he told his employer and myself that heís taking time off and getting help. He said heís tired of it, and he wants a better life. He apologized to me, said heís ashamed, and wants to be a better man. I now have health insurance, so he called them and found himself a rehab. He left Tuesday, for 35 days.
I have been in contact with his counselor and I joined family sessions. I want to help as much as I can. I also have to write a letter about how his alcoholism has impacted me.
Iím proud of him. However, after reading message boards and other things about rehab, Iím worried about the rehab romances! Iím sick to my stomach. My husband has never been unfaithful, Iíve never really worried about it. He works with men in the logging industry. He always works hard. Heís always home, He never went to bars or anything like that. He drinks at home alone (or at his momís recently).
Every weekend was spent with me.
This is new territory, and heís hundreds of miles from home. He seems very determined to get into the road to recovery, but will women there try to seduce him? Thatís what Iím wondering, and I canít get it out of my head after reading about it.
Originally Posted by Obladi View Post
Hi Smile, and welcome!

I think it's very promising that your husband did the research and made arrangements to go to rehab. I do believe the only way an addict can make a real start in recovery is to get in the driver's seat.

Rehab romances happen, sure. To me, those 'relationships' spring up between people who aren't dead serious about working on themselves and their recovery. We alcoholics have a tendency to transfer obsessions, but in my experience, most people who are commited to making a change in themselves don't fall for the new romance trap. If your husband is serious (and it sounds like he may be), I wouldn't worry about it. If it gives you any comfort, my rehab experience is that boy-girl socialization is frowned upon.

If I might offer some advice, I would suggest that you take this time as your own "rehab." Focus on your own stuff and give him the space to work on his. It sounds like the letter about the impact of his alcoholism on you is a request from the rehab? If so, I suggest that you keep it focussed on yourself and that this is the only communication you should initiate with him. He will call you, write or invite you to visit when he's ready. In the meantime, it seems you may be able to benefit from attending a program for people who love alcoholics such as Al-Anon.

I understand the fear you are expressing and I know it's real. But please try to let it go. You and I have zero control over what other people do, you know? The best we can do is learn to be our own authentic wonderful selves regardless of what anyone else does or doesn't do.

I wish you both the best possible outcomes from this new journey.

O

Thank you so much for replying. I appreciate your advice so much, as I have been struggling this weekend. Yes, my husbandís counselor requested that I write the letter and attend Al-Anon. She also let me know what days he could call, when heís ready.
Thanks again!
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Old 05-08-2022, 06:13 AM
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I agree with the suggestion to keep the focus on yourself and your recovery right now. It sounds as though he is serious to me tooóbut one thing to really reconsider is taking on the joint responsibility of a home purchase right now.

Financial stress in early sobriety is something that can de-rail recovery fast. Alcohol is a coping mechanism (a poor one) that is easy to go back to when stressed or worried. In addition, he also may need to go to a sober living situation for some months when he completes rehab to have the best chance of success. Ask the counselors about that if you are unfamiliar or google it online. I think it is a great idea post-rehab to improve chances for success.

I respectfully suggest that if the worst happens and he does relapse, you may be managing house payments and all expenses on your own, so if you havenít yet signed paperwork, I would put the house purchase on the back burner for now and both of you focus on your recovery.

I wish both of you every success and a happy endingówith a great house in a year or two when things are more stable and your husband solid in his recovery!
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Old 05-08-2022, 09:38 AM
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I am similar to your husband right now. I leave tomorrow for detox/rehab in a town far away from my home for the very first time. From what I've read over the last few days, leaving the area that you live in seems to be the most popular choice. I had really bad cold feet yesterday about going to detox and was frantically trying to find a local facility. But I couldn't find a place that was as nice and comfortable as where I'm going. I too am ashamed of what I've done to family and myself and for the first time ever, I want to truly make an attempt to live a sober life after this. No more cleansing, no more cutting back. Sobriety has to be the only way.
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Old 05-09-2022, 06:17 AM
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If he was faithful while drinking his chances of him remaining so are so much better now that he is in rehab. Especially as it has been pointed out that he is doing this of his own intiiative. I wouldn't stress about it, but you could mention your concerns to his counselor.
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