I no longer want to continue living
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2022
Posts: 20
I no longer want to continue living
I'm at the end of my rope, my life is no longer my own and I just felt like sharing because I have no one to talk to. In December 2020, my car was stolen and ever since then life has been an endless nightmare. I had just started a new job at a grocery store and I was also doing doordash at the time. All of a sudden I was being evicted from my apartment(my landlords were very strict back then). I had to quit my job because I couldn't afford to uber there every night. My insurance wouldn't even do anything because I needed some special policy that I wasn't told about. I waited until I got my financial aid money refund the following month and my mother helped me cosign and finance a car at this shady place. They didn't even tell me what my monthly payments would be until it was all signed and I was forced to get super expensive insurance. I started working doordash primarily because I was able to cash out daily, I managed to pay the rent I owed but ended up crashing into a curb late one night while working and the repairs meant I couldn't pay the following months rent. The car was in bad shape when I got it and needed even more repairs and I could never catch up, I wasn't doing doordash for very long at that point and wasn't aware of how quickly the car I was using could break down. My mother told me about this small town called Statesboro where the rent was super cheap, so I moved down to avoid having an eviction on my record.
I wish I stayed in savannah because it's clear why the rent was so cheap. The job market here is awful and it's very small. There are no buses either. I had to continue doing doordash, and I was earning half as much as I did when I was in savannah. To make matters worse a month later most of my customer-base(the college students) went back home and I was barely able to keep my lights on. I went further into debt as the car kept needing repairs. Eventually the holiday season came and I spent so much on presents I barely have anything left for my birthday. The day after I wanted to go out but it's so hard getting a cab here, I figured I would just get a few shots and go home. Anyways I ended up getting a DUI. At that point I was so exhausted with life I didn't care. My car was impounded and I never got it out. I plead guilty a month later and moved in with my mother. I have a monthly probation fee to pay. I graduate in March 2023, so I just thought I would get a job, save up, pay my fees and just stay out of trouble. I was very wrong.
The job market here is worse than I thought. I'm limited mostly to places in walking distance since there are no buses here, if I have to go further I have to take into account my mother's schedule so I can only work during the evenings. There aren't many big companies to work for here and there aren't many places to apply, half of the places around barely have a working website. I've been on indeed constantly applying to places everyday and I keep getting rejection after rejection. My probation monthly fine is due in 2 weeks. My mom helped me pay the last time but wont help this month. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm miserable all the time and honestly feel like I came to this little town to die or something, it feels like my life is over. I honestly don't know what to do. At my court date they didn't have my blood results for the DUI yet, and I really should of waited to plead guilty until I had some money saved up. But ofcoarse I wanted to do the "right thing". I didn't think it would be this hard finding a job. I applied at Fedex for a package handler position, I guess they hire people in bulk(probably due to high turnover rates). They posted 2 shifts available 4am-8am and 4pm-8pm, so I thought the nights would be great, I could just get a job during the day. Anyways it took 2 weeks for my background check to come back, I got a call, it took another week to get through to manager and he tells me they are only hiring for shifts from 3am to 9am(which is too early for my mother to drive). So that was a waste of an entire month.
It's so bad that I used the last bit of money I had saved up to buy a bicycle and the past few days I've delivered a few doordash orders on it. It's hellish, I think I made $20 the day before yesterday and $13 today, I barely got enough orders driving anyways. I should of bought an e-bike or something. I got an application from this restaurant up the street, thinking of applying as a dishwasher as my last resort. I sit here in tears just thinking about it. I just want life to end, i've had enough. I've had my shot. I can't take anymore, sometimes I fantasize about ways to end it but i'm really not brave enough. Plus as an athiest i'm terrified of nothingness after death, but it would be the ultimate "**** you" to all of this. I've been sober all this time, i'm doing my school work on time, it doesn't matter. It's like all this time, i've been destined to fail no matter what I do.
I wish I stayed in savannah because it's clear why the rent was so cheap. The job market here is awful and it's very small. There are no buses either. I had to continue doing doordash, and I was earning half as much as I did when I was in savannah. To make matters worse a month later most of my customer-base(the college students) went back home and I was barely able to keep my lights on. I went further into debt as the car kept needing repairs. Eventually the holiday season came and I spent so much on presents I barely have anything left for my birthday. The day after I wanted to go out but it's so hard getting a cab here, I figured I would just get a few shots and go home. Anyways I ended up getting a DUI. At that point I was so exhausted with life I didn't care. My car was impounded and I never got it out. I plead guilty a month later and moved in with my mother. I have a monthly probation fee to pay. I graduate in March 2023, so I just thought I would get a job, save up, pay my fees and just stay out of trouble. I was very wrong.
The job market here is worse than I thought. I'm limited mostly to places in walking distance since there are no buses here, if I have to go further I have to take into account my mother's schedule so I can only work during the evenings. There aren't many big companies to work for here and there aren't many places to apply, half of the places around barely have a working website. I've been on indeed constantly applying to places everyday and I keep getting rejection after rejection. My probation monthly fine is due in 2 weeks. My mom helped me pay the last time but wont help this month. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm miserable all the time and honestly feel like I came to this little town to die or something, it feels like my life is over. I honestly don't know what to do. At my court date they didn't have my blood results for the DUI yet, and I really should of waited to plead guilty until I had some money saved up. But ofcoarse I wanted to do the "right thing". I didn't think it would be this hard finding a job. I applied at Fedex for a package handler position, I guess they hire people in bulk(probably due to high turnover rates). They posted 2 shifts available 4am-8am and 4pm-8pm, so I thought the nights would be great, I could just get a job during the day. Anyways it took 2 weeks for my background check to come back, I got a call, it took another week to get through to manager and he tells me they are only hiring for shifts from 3am to 9am(which is too early for my mother to drive). So that was a waste of an entire month.
It's so bad that I used the last bit of money I had saved up to buy a bicycle and the past few days I've delivered a few doordash orders on it. It's hellish, I think I made $20 the day before yesterday and $13 today, I barely got enough orders driving anyways. I should of bought an e-bike or something. I got an application from this restaurant up the street, thinking of applying as a dishwasher as my last resort. I sit here in tears just thinking about it. I just want life to end, i've had enough. I've had my shot. I can't take anymore, sometimes I fantasize about ways to end it but i'm really not brave enough. Plus as an athiest i'm terrified of nothingness after death, but it would be the ultimate "**** you" to all of this. I've been sober all this time, i'm doing my school work on time, it doesn't matter. It's like all this time, i've been destined to fail no matter what I do.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hey man
I'm sorry you feel so low.
There is help around tho - lots of crisis numbers and readings here than may well help.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html
Suicides a permanent solution to a temporary situation.
I was suicidal in my 20s - I didn't see how things could improve - but they did - with time and recovery.
You;re not alone here YoungHyde - however dark it seems reach out - here and elsewhere. People will listen
I'm sorry you feel so low.
There is help around tho - lots of crisis numbers and readings here than may well help.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html
Suicides a permanent solution to a temporary situation.
I was suicidal in my 20s - I didn't see how things could improve - but they did - with time and recovery.
You;re not alone here YoungHyde - however dark it seems reach out - here and elsewhere. People will listen
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
There is absolutely nothing wrong with washing dishes for a short time in your life. If its a means to get yourself moving forward financially then I would absolutely apply and take the job if offered. There is not anyone one of us who is above or beyond doing what needs to be done.
I understand how frustrating and hard life can be at times. I have had many many setbacks and many many times where I thought I would never get out of the situation I was in. Do not give up. Do not be defeated. Do not let your mind talk to you in such a negative way. There are solutions to all problems. Keep moving forward and keep your head held high, and apply for the dishwashing job down the road. It is an opportunity that could turn into so much more.
I understand how frustrating and hard life can be at times. I have had many many setbacks and many many times where I thought I would never get out of the situation I was in. Do not give up. Do not be defeated. Do not let your mind talk to you in such a negative way. There are solutions to all problems. Keep moving forward and keep your head held high, and apply for the dishwashing job down the road. It is an opportunity that could turn into so much more.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 980
I agree - there is NOTHING wrong with washing dishes to help you get back on your feet. I am only 26 days sober, but I already feel so much better. Although I have a ways to go. In that time I have gotten so much done. I was right where you were 26 days ago. I too had a dui and I will be dealing with that for months to come. But at least I can be clear headed to do so. Do you have an attorney? I would look into getting a court appointed one. You need proper legal advice to direct you. I am not sure if you are drinking now, but as you know it may "drown out" your sorrows....until it doesn't. You're left with everything that needs dealt with and then the mess to clean up from drinking. Reach out, post, listen to podcasts. I am sorry you're feeling like this, but know that it WILL get better.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,203
Stick around YoungHyde, as Dee said, suicide is a once only solution to a short or medium term problem and given that you are young it really is temporary in your case. Take what job you can travel to, quit drinking and I am sure you will avoid repeating the financial errors.
I didn't have the lost jobs/DUI's when I was young, and as a consequence I drank alcoholically until I was 54 which you definitely don't want to be doing. So even if things seem terrible and you feel you have been forced back to life's starting line it can still turn out to be a good thing in the long run. Good luck!
I didn't have the lost jobs/DUI's when I was young, and as a consequence I drank alcoholically until I was 54 which you definitely don't want to be doing. So even if things seem terrible and you feel you have been forced back to life's starting line it can still turn out to be a good thing in the long run. Good luck!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
YoungHyde - I'm glad you wanted to talk about what's going on. I'm so sad that you've had all that misfortune, & unfair things have happened.
You matter, and you are needed in this world! I hope you will find a way to look forward to a better day. Please don't give up on yourself. I hope you'll keep talking to us.
You matter, and you are needed in this world! I hope you will find a way to look forward to a better day. Please don't give up on yourself. I hope you'll keep talking to us.
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
HI Younghyde - things sound really tough for you at the moment, but I am so impressed you've stayed sober, that shows you have determination and inner strength - Don't feel alone - people here are kind and ready to listen - hang on in there, I know it doesn't seem like it but life, does change, things often do improve and it sounds like you are a fighter and a survivor.
Let us know how you are.
Let us know how you are.
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