Perspective Please

Old 04-05-2022, 05:51 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Feb 2020
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Perspective Please

Hi All, in an attempt to get clarity on an issue, I'm wondering if people with addictions can help me out here. My feelings are hurt but I'm trying to reframe this situation somewhat, and perhaps get some clarity if possible. If you have been in recovery for a good amount of time and are still sober, I would love to hear what you think of this. Last weekend my AH got a dui after a binge drinking weekend. He uses Soberlink and had been using it for about a week when he had that slip (well, had a slip then a day or so later, it developed into a binge). Anyway, since the day after dui, he has been sober I think. Today, he was speaking to the people that have impounded the vehicle and he's having more trouble getting it back than expected. It's now causing a lot of inconvenience for us so I suggested we ask his parent to borrow one of their vehicles for now. He became very defensive and said "No there's going to be no more bringing up things about his drinking to people that don't need to know." The only people I've told are people from whom I ask for support, like a good friend who has experience because her son is an addict, a pastor that we saw and my husband said it helped and thanked me later and his parents (who told other family members when he went to rehab) He was so harsh and it made it seem like I told people about things in the past to humiliate him, when in fact, I was desperate and needed help and support. I have so many examples of times when I had to call my in laws to care for our child while I took him to a hospital etc. He then began to deflect saying "Where was the support for me when I needed it?" He always tries to compare my lack of domestic abilities to his alcoholism. When our children were young and he wasn't an alcoholic, he would do cooking and laundry. I worked and did most of the stuff for the kids. I'd say I definitely could have done more and eventually I did figure it out and now I do plenty of that stuff since the kids are more independent. Anyway, I explained that if anyone discovers the dui (its public record) he just has to face reality and stop placing blame - I can't control who knows about it. Our older kids have told their partners and people in our neighbourhood generally know because so many public things have happened. I'm just very taken back by this attitude. I feel like he expects me to keep his secrets still, but perhaps it's just a fear that his parents will find out. In any case, he hasn't been very kind and I detected misplaced resentment toward me. I've done so much for him and I'm still supporting him. I'm feeling so unappreciated.
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Old 04-05-2022, 06:42 PM
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Dee74's Avatar
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Hi Olivia

He may be embarrassed - noone likes to look bad in front of their parents no matter how old they are..., or he's been telling his folks he's doing much better than he has been...not only in drinking but things like the car being impounded and having a soberlink device too.

None of that is your fault. I wouldn't own it if I was you.

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Old 04-08-2022, 04:41 PM
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turniptheheat's Avatar
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The one thing you may want to consider, is if the roles were reversed, how would you feel about your husband going to your parents to borrow a vehicle?
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Old 04-09-2022, 11:39 AM
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voices ca**y
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If we were talking about anything other than active addiction I'd say he is entitled to some privacy. He drove drunk and he could have killed someone. IMO He doesn't get to do that then tell you who you can and can't ask for help resolving the problem it caused for you.
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Old 04-13-2022, 01:11 PM
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Diapslaced agression, sounds ashamed of what he has become and is striking out (unfortunatley at you) in order to deny his own responsibility, have you considered trying AL-Anon meetings? You can share with people whom have been exactly where you are and get some great perspective.
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Old 04-14-2022, 08:50 AM
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advbike's Avatar
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I believe I mentioned before that alcoholics have a lot of shame, for valid reasons. Nonetheless if he is working on it he deserves a reasonable level of dignity and to not have his situation further gossiped about, as people do. I certainly wouldn't want my vehicle left in impound either.
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Old 04-14-2022, 05:46 PM
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You are unappreciated.

No I'm not an alcoholic in recovery, but this does make me curious. Your Husband (if I'm calculating correctly from your last post) had only not been drinking for 3 weeks when he went on his binge and got a DUI.

I think most alcoholics (well certainly many) can white knuckle it for 2-3 weeks. What kind support does he have? Is he attending any groups, AA or counseling?

This kind of just sounds like more of the same?

Isn't recovery about living life on life's terms, being humble, trying to learn? He's not in recovery, he just took a break from drinking for a few weeks. Always remember - actions, not words. He says he's quitting, but he keeps on drinking.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, not intended to be.
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