Thinking of drinking again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 111
Thinking of drinking again
Hi again,
It's been an eventful two weeks. My partner has been experiencing some ups and downs, lots of crying, some throwing of things in the house. (Not at me, just generally because she is upset.) It is a medical thing. I kept trying to get her to calmly assess the situation and plan her next steps. Now she has a plan and I think feels more in control. Things are improving.
I look at my social contacts and see that everyone is leaving me behind in regards to personal and professional achievements. I told her that I feel like there's a lot of things slipping away from me, and she turned that around on me (I believe she is insecure, she does this often if I try to explain my problems. It's part of the reason I just 'eat it' and try to move through things) saying that I'm making her feel that it's because of her. I've made commitments to fix up the house and finish my apprenticeship, so I have to do that stuff. I can't rely on someone to begin and complete (and finance) the projects that need doing. She told me that they don't all need to happen right away and that I should spend money on what I want to, but man, looking at our house's piping (as someone working in plumbing) makes me really nervous. No shutoffs work, not even the main shut-off to the house. The roof needs to be redone, there's plans for a garden, fencing needs replacing, painting and replacing siding. I am responsible and it's not happening unless I do it or pay for it to be done. My apprenticeship is ending in the next 6 months, so there's that too. I feel alone in tackling all this stuff and paying for all of it.
This is the worst thing I think I've experienced so far in sobriety: To not feel like you're living up to your potential and feeling like you can't make the changes needed to do it. Stuck. I do not know if I'll have 'us' time if I start in on what I need to do, and I don't think she realizes that or considersthat our relationship might be over if I try to start focusing on the other goals. Listening to her cry and just shut me out completely made me think about drinking. She made me feel bad about myself, question why I am in the relationship, why I'm spending all this money for nothing, wishing I could feel anything besides feeling like I am trying to get out from under everything. Things need to improve. They could be worse, but I don't want another 30 years of this. Sometimes I want to drink.
It's been an eventful two weeks. My partner has been experiencing some ups and downs, lots of crying, some throwing of things in the house. (Not at me, just generally because she is upset.) It is a medical thing. I kept trying to get her to calmly assess the situation and plan her next steps. Now she has a plan and I think feels more in control. Things are improving.
I look at my social contacts and see that everyone is leaving me behind in regards to personal and professional achievements. I told her that I feel like there's a lot of things slipping away from me, and she turned that around on me (I believe she is insecure, she does this often if I try to explain my problems. It's part of the reason I just 'eat it' and try to move through things) saying that I'm making her feel that it's because of her. I've made commitments to fix up the house and finish my apprenticeship, so I have to do that stuff. I can't rely on someone to begin and complete (and finance) the projects that need doing. She told me that they don't all need to happen right away and that I should spend money on what I want to, but man, looking at our house's piping (as someone working in plumbing) makes me really nervous. No shutoffs work, not even the main shut-off to the house. The roof needs to be redone, there's plans for a garden, fencing needs replacing, painting and replacing siding. I am responsible and it's not happening unless I do it or pay for it to be done. My apprenticeship is ending in the next 6 months, so there's that too. I feel alone in tackling all this stuff and paying for all of it.
This is the worst thing I think I've experienced so far in sobriety: To not feel like you're living up to your potential and feeling like you can't make the changes needed to do it. Stuck. I do not know if I'll have 'us' time if I start in on what I need to do, and I don't think she realizes that or considersthat our relationship might be over if I try to start focusing on the other goals. Listening to her cry and just shut me out completely made me think about drinking. She made me feel bad about myself, question why I am in the relationship, why I'm spending all this money for nothing, wishing I could feel anything besides feeling like I am trying to get out from under everything. Things need to improve. They could be worse, but I don't want another 30 years of this. Sometimes I want to drink.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Well, its good that you have come here to write it all out and that you have not consumed alcohol. AMAZING WORK! This "tool" is a wonderful way for you to express yourself and to get moving forward. I wont comment on your relationship but I will say this:
What is the one thing you can do to make improvements on your home? One thing at a time.
I get that there is a lot to be done. I mean, I think homeownership can be described as "a lot to be done" all the time. At least this is what I have experienced. Replace this and that and then start over. Its just a never ending project. Rome was not built in a day.
Living up to your potential? What does that look like for you? Ive been thinking a lot about this "Potential" thing lately and I wonder what that really means? You say your apprenticeship is almost over. Wonderful. That is something to be proud of. Will you be happy?
Are you enjoying your life? I think this is something I am wondering about after reading your post.
What is the one thing you can do to make improvements on your home? One thing at a time.
I get that there is a lot to be done. I mean, I think homeownership can be described as "a lot to be done" all the time. At least this is what I have experienced. Replace this and that and then start over. Its just a never ending project. Rome was not built in a day.
Living up to your potential? What does that look like for you? Ive been thinking a lot about this "Potential" thing lately and I wonder what that really means? You say your apprenticeship is almost over. Wonderful. That is something to be proud of. Will you be happy?
Are you enjoying your life? I think this is something I am wondering about after reading your post.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 5,384
If it were me the first thing I would do is set up a marriage counselor or therapist to talk this out with a third party! Get both of your feelings out! There’s probably stuff and feelings and wants and needs that are buried under the layers of the onion that haven’t even been expressed!
And as far as your sobriety- it’s your responsibility to protect it as you would protect a little infant! Not even your partner is more important than that!
And as far as your sobriety- it’s your responsibility to protect it as you would protect a little infant! Not even your partner is more important than that!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 743
You can live up to your potential but you're probably not reaching it tomorrow. One day at a time. God or no God, ultimately something is in control and it isn't us. Just put your best foot foward. Do your best everyday and down the road will be your potential.
Don't forget to be grateful for these skills you have and the chance to get better at them. This is likely to be priceless down the road. Be grateful you currently have a girlfriend and a home.
I'd suggest do what you can on the house, between the combination of what need is most pressing and what will be the easiest to complete. Your probably not fixing the entire house today, take your time, think it over.
Time will tell what happens with the girlfriend. If she can't move in the direction with you she might not be the right one. No matter how sold we get on a significant other, how convinced we are that this is the right one, we just never know. Sure, you can try your best to stay with this one but sometimes you have to let the chips fall and be ready to accept the results.
I probably took years off of my life worrying about how successful other people were. I think we are right where God wants us to be. We are all on our own journey. None of this keep up with the Jones crap really matters. It's like we are playing some game in our head that doesn't really exist. Its not like we get points for how much we make, what we drive, education, or how hot of a wife. Any time I get out and run or look out at the ocean, or go for a drive in the country none of the crap matters.
Don't forget to be grateful for these skills you have and the chance to get better at them. This is likely to be priceless down the road. Be grateful you currently have a girlfriend and a home.
I'd suggest do what you can on the house, between the combination of what need is most pressing and what will be the easiest to complete. Your probably not fixing the entire house today, take your time, think it over.
Time will tell what happens with the girlfriend. If she can't move in the direction with you she might not be the right one. No matter how sold we get on a significant other, how convinced we are that this is the right one, we just never know. Sure, you can try your best to stay with this one but sometimes you have to let the chips fall and be ready to accept the results.
I probably took years off of my life worrying about how successful other people were. I think we are right where God wants us to be. We are all on our own journey. None of this keep up with the Jones crap really matters. It's like we are playing some game in our head that doesn't really exist. Its not like we get points for how much we make, what we drive, education, or how hot of a wife. Any time I get out and run or look out at the ocean, or go for a drive in the country none of the crap matters.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,025
Hi Cellar,
I understand you feel stuck, I’ve been there myself. My advice is instead of looking at how you can fix the full picture, look at what tools you have now and what you could do with them. Then do that. Then repeat the process.
It’s like untying a string full of knots, you have to do it one by one.
Drinking won’t help at all. The problems will still be there, it will just make it difficult, if not impossible, for you to see the solution.
You got this, one step at a time.
I understand you feel stuck, I’ve been there myself. My advice is instead of looking at how you can fix the full picture, look at what tools you have now and what you could do with them. Then do that. Then repeat the process.
It’s like untying a string full of knots, you have to do it one by one.
Drinking won’t help at all. The problems will still be there, it will just make it difficult, if not impossible, for you to see the solution.
You got this, one step at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
i'll have 11 years this year sober and for me i still ponder drinking now and then. Im pretty sure at this point i wouldnt actually do it but yeh it crosses my mind and the wheels start to turn it happens just cant give into it we all know it'll just add more problems.
it almost sounds like your overwhelmed or have this idea in your head that it all has to happen when you snap your fingers but you know it wont and realize its gonna take time. You could be moderate spend X amount of time on those tasks then focus on other htings. I'm an all or nothing person so that approach is very hard for me. So if your the same I get it kinda just wanna buckle down get focused and get crap done and it seems like your partner is in the way.
My best advice is to float thru it try not ot let it get to you and take things a day at a time. you cant solve it all super fast just gotta accept that and keep moving forward. I dont advocate breakups but if that meant loosing your partner maybe thats what ya do i really dont know. But i do know for your sobriety and sanity you do have to be a little selfish as you said you dont want another 30 years of this.
it almost sounds like your overwhelmed or have this idea in your head that it all has to happen when you snap your fingers but you know it wont and realize its gonna take time. You could be moderate spend X amount of time on those tasks then focus on other htings. I'm an all or nothing person so that approach is very hard for me. So if your the same I get it kinda just wanna buckle down get focused and get crap done and it seems like your partner is in the way.
My best advice is to float thru it try not ot let it get to you and take things a day at a time. you cant solve it all super fast just gotta accept that and keep moving forward. I dont advocate breakups but if that meant loosing your partner maybe thats what ya do i really dont know. But i do know for your sobriety and sanity you do have to be a little selfish as you said you dont want another 30 years of this.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
“ I kept trying to get her to calmly assess the situation and plan her next steps. Now she has a plan and I think feels more in control.”
this is really fantastic advice!
i’d suggest you give it to yourself and assess and plan.
for the house, or the relationship, or the sobriety, or the finances, or any or all of those. it’s really the best way to get out of overwhelm.
this is really fantastic advice!
i’d suggest you give it to yourself and assess and plan.
for the house, or the relationship, or the sobriety, or the finances, or any or all of those. it’s really the best way to get out of overwhelm.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 3,143
Cellardweller, just try to tackle one thing at a time instead of thinking of everything that needs to be done. You will get there. Maybe make a list of everything that you need to do and then start with what you consider to be the most important or the most achievable at this time. You can check things off as you go. Keep focused on what you are doing and your tasks at hand. Don’t go back to the drink, it won’t help one bit. We’re all here to support you.
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