Carrie2015

Hi All,

I go to a recovery group and there are all sorts of classes of addictions and it's not a 12 step, but this situation could have happened in any recovery group.

I am fairly new to the group, maybe 6 or 7 meetings, once a week. This is an online venue. So towards the end of the meeting, a very distraught man tells his story. I believe it was his first or second time there. The end of the story was that his girl friend died during the night from an toxic dose of alcohol and fentanyl laced benzo. What got to me was apparently the girlfriend who was the alcoholic was having some sort of issue with sleep or withdrawal from booze, I couldn't quite tell. So the man goes out and obtains these benzo/fentanyl drugs from the street. Both he and his girlfriend knew what they were. And took them anyway. She died in the middle of the night. A young, otherwise healthy woman. By the time the boyfriend woke up was it was late morning, as took the pills as well and slept in.

So he is crying, obviously in profound pain, I mean this JUST happened Christmas eve. And the moderator of the meeting is assuring him it's NOT his fault and there was nothing he could have done about "her journey in life". Everyone is nodding and agreeing. And I am frozen thinking, did this guy just involve himself in involuntary manslaughter? I mean, this is like drunk driving when you kill a passenger. I had to sign off early; I felt overwhelmed as many of us, myself included, have lost people to overdose.

Anyway, the next week, nothing was brought up. Everyone was super quiet. I finally brought up that the story really was difficult to experience, and there should be some acknowledgment of what happened so we could address anyone's' trigger or trauma. I couldn't bring up my anger on how this poor woman died as the man was at this meeting. All that happened was another set of encouragement for him to deal with "his loss" and "his grief" and I am getting more and more angry.

So I am here for a reality check, your advice, your experience. I feel like I am sitting in a meeting with a perpetrator in an unsolved possible crime. He is on methadone, but technically he is allowed to be there. Is this part of, "what happens at a meeting, stays here? If someone came in and said they killed someone during a DUI do we just remain silent? I wouldn't know what to do anyway.

Thanks for any advice. I am really anxious from this experience.

Carrie

aasharon90

There must have been some sort of inquiry and follow
up on this poor girls death by family, police and investigators.

Even the coroner.

I wouldnt think they would just sweep this under the rug
without further investigation on her death. Right?

I wonder if he abstained a lawyer and if he has already
been to court or has been given a sentence of recovery
meeting or a slap on the wrist. Maybe service work.

There has to be more to the story.

If he is in a meeting, it may be mandatory for him until
he is to go to court on this and advised by his lawyer,
he has time to get sober and clean to show the courts
how sorry he is for his part and actions in this case.

Don't know, but i understand and would also have
questions too.

In the meantime, i would focus on my own recovery
and let those in charge of the meetings handle it.

I have to remember the reasons why I am in recovery
and why it is important to be surrounded by support.

Take what i need from those meetings and leave the
rest. To focus on keeping my side of the street clean
and not worry what's happen on the other side.

My plate was always full and didn't need more worry
to add to it. In doing so, we can strive for continuous
sobriety achieving many of life's amazing gifts.

Triggered

According to the Dpa drug policy (New York), as it stands, drug induced homicide is a crime. That includes giving drugs to someone which subsequently cause their death. Different states may have variations in law. It might be helpful to you to read current policy on this law. Theyre also of the opinion however, that this law is not helpful since it will dissuade people from reporting overdoses in time. There's also the consideration of who would be prosecuted if found culpable? The person who dealt the drugs? The person who bought them? The person who administered them? All of the above?

I would imagine there are people in that meeting who are still weighing up the legal ramifications and others who just don't want to be involved. It's a difficult dilemma all things considered. Are you aware of any ongoing investigations regarding the incident?

I'm no expert in law but it seems you should search this info to protect yourself and the interests of the young woman who passed.

biminiblue

I've been in several meetings where lesser crimes were disclosed by the perpetrator. I also didn't (and still don't) know how to process it. I am still uncomfortable with the fact that I did nothing about it, but I had big enough fish to fry by keeping myself safe from danger - and sober. I could have reported them...but then what? Would I have to testify or give an official statement? How much did I really know was a fact? Is it really my business? Some of the people in meetings are pretty scary dudes. In my case these were in-person meetings. Fortunately for you, it sounds like you don't know who this person actually is if you're doing online meetings.

I agree that there was likely an inquisition. Whether this man admitted he gave her the pills is almost beside the point, really. He's going to suffer the consequences of their decisions forever. If I were on a jury I would vote him not-guilty I think - at least with the story he's telling. It's definitely a stark reminder of the dangers of drinking and drugging. It's also one of the reasons I stopped attending meetings. Meetings are not the place to talk about stuff like this.

Free2bme888

I understand the seemingly moral dilemma, and agree with Sharon.

This was already investigated, and the police were involved for sure……

I have done things (not getting fentanyl to someone outside of my professional capacity), but I’ve had house parties with adults that drank, then drove home. I served the alcohol and the food. They drank and ate it of their own accord.

We are all so lucky that they never crashed, hurt their kids, or died on the way home with alcohol in their system as the driver who chose to drink and drive. How horrible if they chose to do that, got hurt, and sued me or pressed charges against me for hosting. Something to think about

Im super glad there is mercy in this world of imperfect humans, only trying their best.

Im sure he didn’t mean for her to pass away 🥺

ScottFromWI

Certainly sounds like a traumatic situation for all involved Carrie, and a dilemma for sure.

My thoughts would be that you could share your concerns with the meeting organizer. You heard a story told by an individual, and even though it is a disturbing one it's just a story told by an individual at an anonymous meeting. But taking any action based on 2nd hand information would likely not lead to a good outcome. As others have mentioned, if a death occurred certainly law enforcment was involved - and if it was only a week ago the investigation would likely still be ongoing. Interfering would likely not help unless you had first hand knowlege of the situation.

Carrie2015

Thanks all. I realized I framed this letter in a question of whether I should notify anyone, and I agree, I would never. I don't know him at all. I am sure the deceased friends/family have that covered. She was a University graduate, not homeless, well liked, so I am sure she has people.

It's more I felt the need to talk about it. This was not a 12 step meeting in an official sense, and typically people there have many years of recovery and are seeking new ways to live in a healthy manner. There are also people there who don't do drugs but have other types of "addictive" issues. It's a seriously awesome group. But generally newly in crisis people don't show up. I guess I was so bothered that the group's leaders didn't facilitate or process this. I guess I was a bit traumatized by the story. He took over that last half hour of the meeting and we all sat in shocked silence; some people were crying, some left, some just turned off their video. We all sat in stunned silence and the group leader closed the meeting early.

So I am going to let this go; it's true that I love the meeting and I won't let a bad experience ruin it for me. I hope this is a wake up call for this man. He knows that his actions caused her death and there is no worse punishment. There are three group leaders and I will leave it to them to handle it. #LettingItGo

Thank you, all of you for responding. I needed to process this very bizarre experience.

Love hugs

Carrie