100

For months I had disere to drink but now it become an ever-present never ending need. The obsession left but it's now returned. I've keep working the steps throughly but nothing to no Avail. Why oh why is it getting harder not easier the longer I'm sober. I just don't know know. I don't want to drink but at same time I do. I have not told anyone at aa this or how much I want to drink. I don't think I'm going to be sober to much longer. It feels like it slipping away. I don't know what to do,but I don't want you drink but I'm afraid I won't be able to stop myself.
David

David

dustyfox

David, stop to think how this would be. All your hard work blown away by having a drink which will ultimately end up with you feeling worse than you do now.
Talk to your sponsor or someone at AA - they will understand and it is good to feel supported when these moments of crisis happen. Don't drink it will not help how you feel. We are all here to support you.

Dee74

Keeping secret about wanting to drink really goes against using something like AA David.
Let it out - let your friends at AA and your sponsor know you are struggling.

D

100

After I said I wanted to drink the disere to do so faded. Getting it out of my head took a lot of the power from it. Also I've been missing meetings because some times I can't get out of bed. I have a hard time telling people how I feel in person. I also start to feel so much better once I'm at the meetings I forgot I've been feeling poorly when alone. I feel fine at meeting and when hanging out but when alone my head starts talking to me about how good Getting wasted would feel and everything. As of now I don't want to drink and feel better. I will tell my sponsor about this.
David

BullDog777

David,

Think it through. Sure you'll feel some initial relief, but that's going to turn to pain in a short order. This is throwing away everything you've done. All the work and gutting it out will be lost and for what?

Do something to avert your attention. Eat, read, look at tv, work out, go fishing, make a basket, draw a picture, write, go somewhere quiet and scream at the top of your lungs.

I used to do this..."I'm pretty sure I'm gonna drink. But before that I'm gonna -----------. Fill in the blank. If you do all thoase things and keep diverting your attention, the craving will subside.

Clinically, my addiction counselor said that the average craving lasts between 11-24 minutes. Something close to that. Most people make their decision during that time and throw their life away. You have to out think the craving. Wait till it subsides. Then divert your attention.

Dude, you can get through this.

Not telling people about it is not smart. Here again...you gotta out think this monster. It wants you and you gotta build your tool box up to be able to arm yourself with as many tools as needed to get through these rough patches.

Because they are just that. A rough patch.
The beauty of being a living creature is that we ebb and flow. There really is no constant. Ride this out David. You can do this.

BullDog777

Hey, i think you posted while i was still writing.
Glad you got through it.

dustyfox

Well done David!

RecklessDrunk

Good job! Amazing how that works!

ScottFromWI

Talking to your sponsor sounds like a good idea David, and I'm glad you also came here first to talk through things. It is OK to give yourself some credit for all the hard work you have been doing.

uncle holmes

Hang in there David! Get out those thoughts! Much better than holding it all in and actually acting on it! Left alone in our own heads can be like being in a bad neighborhood!

Everything everyone said good suggestions! I might also add where are you with your prayer and meditation and connection and relationship with your Higher Power? Ask God for help to stay sober in the morning and throughout the day as needed!

Also service work at the meetings can help! It gets you out of yourself! Maybe ask at a meeting to volunteer whether it’s coffee maker, greeter, opening up a meeting, helping to clean up……

100

Right now I'm working on my amends
,but I'm supposed to be doing meditation and daily inventory which I'm not really doing. I pray but meditation is hard for me because I find it hard to focus. I still keep track of behavior and it's improving I have not been accruing new amends because I have not committed any new wrongs. I've been holding my tongue. Having to admit when wrong has changed my behavior. I'm still struggling with laziness but that due to feeling tired all the time.
David

Obladi

Hey David,
I'm glad you're hanging on, and do understand how unbearably terribly horribly difficult this can be.

You know how they say, "AA is a program of honesty?" I wonder why it is that you are not speaking up at meetings about your struggles and are hesitant to speak with your sponsor? (I've done the same, but your motivation may be different than mine, so that's why I ask.)

O

advbike

Man, raise your hand and announce it to the room. You will get tons of support and it will help shift your thinking, just like telling us did.

You're doing great David! Change is hard. Keep up the magnificent effort.

100

I guess I don't want to be thought of as not working a good program. I have told fellow aa that I've been having drinking thoughts and cravings but just not the extent of them. Plus I just don't see what difference it will make. I've been isolating much and not doing things I like such as go skiing because I can't get out bed. I do share but a lot of times I just forget about things. Also im usually feeling fine when I'm hanging out with aa friends. It's when I get home that the devil on my shoulder starts talking to me. In addition I hate calling people so much I never do it. It's just feels uncomfortable to me.
David

Obladi

Well, hmmmm
That's a legitimate concern, but it sure seems backwards, doesn't it? (Worrying that other people will take your inventory and come to the conclusion that you are coming up short in working the program. What matters is what you think, not what they think.)

I used to say myself (with tongue in cheek, but more than half seriously) that AA is no place for a person who's drinking. And in my mind, the same applied with early struggles in sobriety. But that is the furthest thing from the stated primary purpose of AA - to help the alcoholic who still suffers. I don't know if the meetings you attend are anything like the ones around here, but if they are, I completely understand where you are coming from. But the new, recovered version of me says, "Too bad. I know that I belong here and I know what the primary purpose of this group is supposed to be, so I'm gonna say what I need to say." So sometimes I speak up in meetings and say what I'm actually feeling. It's pretty different from the norm I usually hear, "Everything's great. So happy to be sober. I've been released from the obsession." I personally have no use for that, though I suppose I could concede that it might help some alcoholic who is still suffering.

Is the other aa you've confided in your sponsor? Whether it is or isn't, can you maybe make an effort to tell that person more about how bad it has been lately?

As to what difference it makes... I'd say it's everything to be able to fully air your feelings and challenges with someone who can be trusted. If you keep on being the hiding out in your bed with a stiff upper lip, that's not at al conducive to your recovery and is miserable to boot. Nothing feeds my obsessions more than wallowing in bed. Can you make a commitment to get to a meeting at least three times this week? Carry a notepad around with you - you can jot down your thoughts in the between times so that you can remember what you are struggling with.

I care.
O

dustyfox

You are quite hard on yourself David. Perhaps you are not lazy, perhaps you are just tired. You are putting in a lot mental effort not to mention physically recovering, you are bound to feel lethargic at times. You don't seem to be giving yourself any credit for all the great work you have done. You are in a process David, we all are, it may take a while to feel great, but I feel sure you will get there.

100

I usually go to meetings 5 times a week or more unless I'm I'm sick right now. I hope usually not covid I have not gotten tested because I couldn't take being isolated for several days. I only am tired and stuffed up. I'm vaccinated with my booster shot and everything. Plus if it everywhere whats the point in isolation. I'm Sure it's running amuck through the aa meetings. Anyway I haven't gone the last two days. I don't feel very sick at all just tired and stuffed up. I live in Michigan and we are having 12000 cases a day right now everyone is carrying on as usual. I haven't been talking any precautions at all. I don't really want to know if I've got it. David

ScottFromWI

Try and focus on doing something methodical regarding sobriety each day David. If that means getting to meetings no matter what, then do that. If you should test positive and have to isolate there are still online meetings or you can always come here. Even if COVID did not exist, or when it does eventually subside - there will always be something to worry about if you want to. I understand that very clearly as a health anxiety sufferer. I remember when there was the Ebola outbreak in africa several years ago and a couple of people caught it here in the US after being there I was terrified and checking news all day long every day. And of course all if it was completely unfounded.

Bottom line, you are doing the right thing by coming here to share your concerns. And you have made progress even if you don't immediately notice. If you can, take the time to sit back and re-read your posts and the outcome. That will help you realize that for the most part our worries as anxiety sufferers are largely unfounded and self-created

saoutchik

Going to 5 AA meetings a week does not sound like the routine of a lazy person David. If you are tired all the time it might be worth getting a blood test - us drinkers often have deficiencies in things like iron or red blood cells etc which would lead to a lack of energy.

Displacement activities - household chores, walking, hobbies, anything like that are a low tech but for me, effective way of escaping the desire to drink. This was especially true at peak craving times which for me was between 7 - 11pm.

Well done on posting here and not picking up!