novips

I don't know whether your friend was an alcoholic, but some lines from the Big Book came to mind:

• There are many situations which arise out of the phenomenon of craving which cause men to make the supreme sacrifice rather than continue to fight.
• Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.
• The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

Of course, there is a solution -- and a big part of that solution involves dealing with anger:

• Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him [or his family or others like him]? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
• [W]ith the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.

Perhaps consider doing a 4th Step on this issue. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more about that.

Zebra1275

Sorry for your loss. I understand, my father did it in 1982.

BullDog777

He wasn't an alcoholic, but I do greatly appreciate you taking the time out to write all of that. I've been back in therapy for a few weeks now and while this just happened and I haven't told my therapist yet, I'm looking at the most healthy ways I can move on and keep this anger in check. After all, it is so true when I read from either the BB or "how it works"... "What we have is a daily reprieve, contingent upon the maintenance of our spiritual condition."
That tells me to keep at the footwork and remain forever vigilant. A strong mind, body and most importantly, spirit will win the day.

Mizz

I am sorry for for this loss. I do understand your feelings.

My MIL committed suicide a few years ago. That is all I can say.
Its terrible.

Obladi

Hey BullDog,

It sounds like you are moving in the right direction. Again.
Life keeps giving you opportunities to retreat into drunk land; you know, those golden tickets embossed with, "omg, anyone would drink over that!"
And you keep taking every single opportunity to stand on your conviction that for you, drinking over those things would be just downright wrong, self-centered, destructive, immoral.

I am so very sorry for the pain your friend caused in his final exit.
That was a crap move for sure, but you know of course that his last f-you had everything nothing to do with you or anyone really - aside from himself.

It's hard to feel compassion for a person who did something so incredibly selfish.
But from what I know of you, you probably do.

Life can be such a big cluster, but you've sorted through your own tangled web and come out on the simple side. I can't begin to tell you how much I admire that. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for exposing your own heart here.

xo
O

ScottFromWI

I am glad you are starting to move forward for yourself. Having said that don't think that it's a waste of our time to grieve and assist/help those that are left behind. I have a good friend who killed himself 3 years ago and seemingly had a great life otherwise outwardly. He had a great family with a wonderful wife and son, who was involved with my son in scouting activities. He himself was an active leader and also heavily involved with coaching, etc. Then one day he decided to pull over on the way home from work and snake a piece of tubing from the exhaust from his work truck into the cab and roll up the windows.

What I was talking about was that eventually you may find it in yourself to channel some of that energy into helping the people that he left behind. My friends wife and son had guilt that they might have somehow been responsibly ( which of course they weren't ). It took them a long time to be willing to even accept help themselves, they withdrew from almost everything because they felt the might be ridiculed or held responsible in some way.

Bottom line, we all go through several stages in situations like this - anger/fear/guilt/distrust - keep moving forward and sharing. And you are right - we all only have a very limited amount of time so we should use it wisely.

Purplrks3647

Hugs to you and your friend's family Bulldog

uncle holmes

BullDog that is just awful and sad! Years ago at my job a woman/co-worker was crying one morning! I said what's wrong? And that's when she told me the news that one of our co-workers/friend hung himself last night!

It was surreal! I couldn't believe it! It was like being bitten by a shark! Just shocking! A few days later his live in girl friend and 10 year old daughter that they had together came into work to take his belongings! Me and a few other guys helped them pack his stuff into their car! Tears came to my eyes just looking at his daughter and how he left her behind!

So sorry for the pain you're going through and hope you stay strong and keep sober!

BullDog777

I appreciate all the kinds words. It's not lost on me that if I reached out and tried to help, I probably could. The better question is whether I should? It goes back to the fundamental question "Is this good for my sobriety of bad for my sobriety.?"

The answer is, right now, it would be bad for my sobriety. Too much of my life has been spent making sure the other guy or brother or family member or friend is OK over my own well being and at times, at my own expense. Sometimes in sobriety, you have to be selfish to protect you're own mental health. That's where I am right now.

So....marching on. I have a huge family dinner planned tomorrow to celebrate Rosh Hashanah. My in laws are coming and some extended family so I gotta bounce and grab a ton of food from the market. I have brisket and turkey to make.

Ok peeps, thanks again for all the kindness. Stay sober!

Mizz

I think taking care of yourself and your immediate family is one of the best things you can do right now.

Have a lovely Rosh Hashanah!

CelticZebra

How awful for all those involved with such sad news.
i am glad to read that at this time your own life and sober living is the most important thing.
thanks for sharing