Talking to much about using/drinking
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 7,061
I think it is really sad that you have been made to feel uncomfortable at a place you turned to for help.
I'm afraid I don't have any advice as I too found it very difficult to speak at AA meetings for fear of being judged. In the end I decided the meetings were not for me and got my support from here.
I hope you find some empathy and understanding as you go forwards.
Well done on your 2 months sobriety, things are still raw but will get easier.
I'm afraid I don't have any advice as I too found it very difficult to speak at AA meetings for fear of being judged. In the end I decided the meetings were not for me and got my support from here.
I hope you find some empathy and understanding as you go forwards.
Well done on your 2 months sobriety, things are still raw but will get easier.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I get it; judging myself because of some observation a person made to me, about me. It's awful. Confusing, demoralizing, unsettling. "Wait, I thought I was doing good here?"
Ultimately, I got to the point of being so broken down by internalizing others' judgements that I just couldn't do it any more. I became rather militant in my recovery - fighting back, I guess. If I were talking about something and someone told me I was "too" anything, that was a red flag. I pushed to understand what that meant. I didn't fight with the person (for the most part), but I did struggle mightily to understand what that person was saying about me and why they felt the need to say it. I asked questions. I read the Big Book and asked more questions. Sometimes of others, often looking for the answer from a more internal plane.
If you start asking, you will learn more. I find that it's helpful to lead with feelings: "Hey, when you remarked on how much I talk about using, I felt really squeemish - like you think I'm doing something wrong. Can you help me to understand why you said that?" Sometimes people then fed me a line of canned AA. I came to realize that these folks had a formula passed down through their sponsor family. That worked for them. It didn't work for me. Sometimes people Told me about Myself. I came to realize that they were, in fact, taking an inventory of my shortcomings. Which isn't cool; we're only responsible for our own inventories. But sometimes, just occasionally, when I asked the question, the person I was asking was willing and able to talk about it. To help me to see things from their perspective. If I debated or challenged what that person had to say, they were able to respond to the substance of what I was saying, not just to the words.
In the end, for me, it comes down to the words on your latest AA chip - "To Thine Own Self be True." Once I knew that I could trust myself to work things out regardless of how other people did it, I was well on my way to recovery.
Hang in there.
Keep asking questions to find your own truth.
O
Ultimately, I got to the point of being so broken down by internalizing others' judgements that I just couldn't do it any more. I became rather militant in my recovery - fighting back, I guess. If I were talking about something and someone told me I was "too" anything, that was a red flag. I pushed to understand what that meant. I didn't fight with the person (for the most part), but I did struggle mightily to understand what that person was saying about me and why they felt the need to say it. I asked questions. I read the Big Book and asked more questions. Sometimes of others, often looking for the answer from a more internal plane.
If you start asking, you will learn more. I find that it's helpful to lead with feelings: "Hey, when you remarked on how much I talk about using, I felt really squeemish - like you think I'm doing something wrong. Can you help me to understand why you said that?" Sometimes people then fed me a line of canned AA. I came to realize that these folks had a formula passed down through their sponsor family. That worked for them. It didn't work for me. Sometimes people Told me about Myself. I came to realize that they were, in fact, taking an inventory of my shortcomings. Which isn't cool; we're only responsible for our own inventories. But sometimes, just occasionally, when I asked the question, the person I was asking was willing and able to talk about it. To help me to see things from their perspective. If I debated or challenged what that person had to say, they were able to respond to the substance of what I was saying, not just to the words.
In the end, for me, it comes down to the words on your latest AA chip - "To Thine Own Self be True." Once I knew that I could trust myself to work things out regardless of how other people did it, I was well on my way to recovery.
Hang in there.
Keep asking questions to find your own truth.
O
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
David, It doesn't matter if everyone doesn't like you - not everyone has to be our best friend or even a friend at all.
As long as people accept you then that is what matters.
You say you are an anxious person so give yourself a break and t stop worrying about other people and concentrate on being you.
Friends will happen. There is no hurry!
As long as people accept you then that is what matters.
You say you are an anxious person so give yourself a break and t stop worrying about other people and concentrate on being you.
Friends will happen. There is no hurry!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 743
I've found anxiety and trust in God to be opposites. I feel like when I do feel anxiety it means I'm not plugged in with God at the moment. Sometimes I just get on a roll and get plugged in and the anxiety disappears. I wish I could just stay plugged in all the time.
Sometimes I will get working on a project at work and just get so upset because I can't seem to solve it. I will just stop and pray and turn it over it to God. Just let me take this data apart piece by piece and do my best and see what is going on. From there the result is in God's hands. I focus and many times these things seem to solve themselves.
Social situations I try and just slow my breathing down and control my breathing. The basic function of life, the easiest thing I can control. Slowly exhale the fear. People are just other children of God.
I look at what is happening physically when I feel anxiety. My heart is beating too fast and my brain waves probably look like the Himalayas. Is this something I can control? If I slow my breathing it should slow my heart and brain down a little bit
Sometimes I will get working on a project at work and just get so upset because I can't seem to solve it. I will just stop and pray and turn it over it to God. Just let me take this data apart piece by piece and do my best and see what is going on. From there the result is in God's hands. I focus and many times these things seem to solve themselves.
Social situations I try and just slow my breathing down and control my breathing. The basic function of life, the easiest thing I can control. Slowly exhale the fear. People are just other children of God.
I look at what is happening physically when I feel anxiety. My heart is beating too fast and my brain waves probably look like the Himalayas. Is this something I can control? If I slow my breathing it should slow my heart and brain down a little bit
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 476
The person didn't do anything wrong it just upset me because it was true. He wasn't upset he just said do you realize how much you talk about using. He was referring to after meetings talk not during meetings. It upset me because it a habit I would do to get attention and I was doing almost without thinking. I find my self always talking about the same things. I don't get social ques and struggle in social settings. Everyone is really nice I just can't take constructive criticism without getting defensive. Anyway I just decided I'm not going to talk about my using past it's over. I just didn't realize I was doing it. The person is a person I like and wasn't at fault. I have always talked to much and I have adhd and have very little self control. That can be a good thing though as I have people rolling with laughter because of the spontaneous things I do. The other side of the coin is I'm horrible impulsive. I'm getting better at handling criticism but if I'm not perfect it makes feel terrible. Deep down I just sometimes think people don't like me because I spent so much time hating myself. I'm also learning to be around other people
David
David
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,161
I think it will get better with time.
All of it.
Self esteem
Anxiety
People pleasing
Picking up social cues,
Etc.
You sound a lot like me. After 19 months I see where I have improved in those areas.
If you put in the work you will get there.
Don't be so hard on yourself..
Easier said than done I know
All of it.
Self esteem
Anxiety
People pleasing
Picking up social cues,
Etc.
You sound a lot like me. After 19 months I see where I have improved in those areas.
If you put in the work you will get there.
Don't be so hard on yourself..
Easier said than done I know
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Oh ok, I get it.
At some point I realized that if I don't know what to talk about, the best thing to say is... nothing.
It feels a little awkward to begin with, especially if you are uncomfortable with silence. Breathing helps. Counting to ten helps. Finding curiosity about something helps. I know it was hard for me to find anything interesting for a good long while after I got sober. But I'm noticing things now, so I could ask you if you saw the rainbow the other day or if you know what that particular plant/bug/bird is. Asking questions is a great way to converse with others.
Take it easy.
At some point I realized that if I don't know what to talk about, the best thing to say is... nothing.
It feels a little awkward to begin with, especially if you are uncomfortable with silence. Breathing helps. Counting to ten helps. Finding curiosity about something helps. I know it was hard for me to find anything interesting for a good long while after I got sober. But I'm noticing things now, so I could ask you if you saw the rainbow the other day or if you know what that particular plant/bug/bird is. Asking questions is a great way to converse with others.
Take it easy.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 5,386
I too went through a similar thing! The BB and people in AA say to be honest a lot! Well I thought I was being honest when I talked about relapse a lot! After all that was my story! I was a chronic, relapse prone alcoholic! Turns out many people in AA don’t like the word “relapse” and instead want you to talk about the program of recovery!
I adjusted and thought about it and came to my own conclusion after doing some critical thinking that they were mostly right! I do say the word “relapse” every once in a while! But not near as much! My conclusion was that’s the past! What am I going to do about it and how am I going to face life today using the recovery tools! How am I going to cope without alcohol?!
At first I was resentful that they had a problem with me talking about relapse a lot! Well I really don’t have a resentment about this anymore! I’ve adjusted and I’ve grown! The goal posts are always moving in recovery! Something always comes up! How am I using the steps to try and solve those problems today!
I adjusted and thought about it and came to my own conclusion after doing some critical thinking that they were mostly right! I do say the word “relapse” every once in a while! But not near as much! My conclusion was that’s the past! What am I going to do about it and how am I going to face life today using the recovery tools! How am I going to cope without alcohol?!
At first I was resentful that they had a problem with me talking about relapse a lot! Well I really don’t have a resentment about this anymore! I’ve adjusted and I’ve grown! The goal posts are always moving in recovery! Something always comes up! How am I using the steps to try and solve those problems today!
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