100

Someone at an aa meetings pointed out to me I talk a an awful lot about using. I felt kinda hurt like I'm a bad person. Anyway I do talk a lot about using drink because i don't have a whole lot other than that to talk about. I don't have a job I want to talk about. I also talk to much and don't have a filter so I say whatever comes in my head. Now I'm worried because I'm a people pleaser. I'm almost 2 months sober and sometimes can't control what I talk about.i feel bad if I've been triggering people. I myself have no disere to drink but still think about it a lot
David

Introvrtd1

Wish you the best man

Grymt

It is how it is. People are thought to trigger people. Someone said something and you are triggered. You say something and someone is triggered. It is how it is. Worrying about it also comes and goes. You are not these ephemeral phenomena. Let them go. Smile and let go.

Dee74

Hi David

It's natural to talk about where we've come from... but I think it's important to also include talk about where we are now and how our recovery is going.

I'm not 'in AA' but to me talking about how I stay sober is carrying the message, moreso than the 'war stories'?

silentrun

Sometimes people point out things as constructive criticism. Its helps us advance because we cant always see ourselves. Is this person someone that is close enough to offer that opinion?

It has nothing to do with being a bad person or that others seeing you that way. Its meerly information.

silentrun

I think more important is the amount of time you spend thinking about it. What are you thinking when you think about it? Are you romancing it?

least

If it were me in that situation, and someone said I 'talk too much about such and such', I'd ask them, "well, what do you think I should talk about?" And see what they say.

100

The person was just trying to help and no I'm not romanticize it. These were times long in the past and were good memories but I realize that that was past and now the reality is that it can never be fun again because it no longer works and will never work again. I'm sober and never want to drink again. I in general talk to much. I have a hard time accepting constructive criticism because I feel like I'm being personal attacked even when I'm not do to low self esteem. I'm going to talk to my sponsor about this. I also have huge fear of not being liked.
David

Scd619x

I've been in AA for years and years. There are a lot of very sick people in AA, very sick indeed. If the same person gave you that opinion in the street you would dismiss them as a nut, so do not think for one minute that because they are sitting in a room at a meeting that they are not! You will also find a lot of really cool, sober people in the meetings and they will be the ones who would never make this comment to you and won't be shouting their mouths off either.

AA was set up for you, fact. I understand people pleasing and that is something you will have to leave at the door in AA. In the beginnings AA was founded on helping a fellow alcoholic, do you think criticising a new member of AA knowing that most alcoholics are sensitive and vulnerable helping a fellow alcoholic? No it isn't. So avoid the person like a plague and keep going to meetings, you need to get to the point where you are the sane, sober one so that you can tell the newcomer that this guy is talking crap before the newcomer leaves, never to return.

silentrun

I had a huge problem with taking things personally and was addicted to the like button. You called it correctly, low self esteem. There is lots of information out there on how to combat that so it affects a lot of people.

As far as the need to be liked, I attribute losing that to recovery. I was always taught that other people evaluated my worth. Now I know that whatever I am can never be added to or subtracted from. I cant be attacked. On occasion some of my habits or mannerisms can be called out but they are not me.

Scd619x

How did you get to that state of mind, i imagine a lot of people would like any direction? Including me

Mizz

Who is this person to you?
Did you ask for their evaluation?

People make all kinds of comments and have evaluations of others. Things I have said this week to other people:

"I think you should worry about your own business"

"thank you for your unsolicited advice"

"I have noted your commentary of me"

Seriously though. If its not someone I seek advice from then I just move on and throw their words in the nearest garbage bin.

D122y

When I think back to when I drank I shudder. I am very very very glad, and grateful to this group of folks, I don't drink anymore and that I will never drink again. I hate booze. It is poison.

I had so many close calls while under the influence. I was close to injury, arrest, or worse more times than I can remember.

Those were my drinking days. My thug days. They are over.

My new days involve regular things with no booze.

Unsolicited advice can be hurtful.

I saw an episode of survivor where this lady said something like this, "I appreciate Joe telling me all about his plans and what he thinks about us all. It is good to know. But, if you think I am dumb enough to do the same thing, you are wrong."

That changed my life.

Thanks.

silentrun

I felt it. I wish I knew what I did to bring it on. People usually call it transcendence. I think meditation can get you there.

I'm not a believer anymore but I was questioning major things like God. I think that's what faith gets correct. I had this door in my head I was afraid to open. I thought very bad things were back there. I felt Jesus reaching out to me asking me to open it. He knew what was back there and told me He accepted me completely as is. So I opened it and all that was back there was a record of every hurtful thing done to me. It was playing those words over and over and distorting it each time it did. It was NOTHING.

The transcended moment came a bit later. I was driving up to Duluth MN on a particularly beautiful early spring day. It was almost surreal how beautiful the scenery was. There was some really good music playing and I had forgiven myself for everything and it let me see what was driving the people that hurt me. I never would have done the things I did if I understood what was driving me and neither would they. The abuse never was about me.

With that said I was driving in the ethereal state and I chose to beat the crap out of myself because there was one thing I felt intense shame over because I would make the same choice all over again. Suddenly I felt this warmth wash over me like sunlight moving across the field. It hit me then it was gone.

I SAW. That thing I was beating myself up over wasn't even a thing. I had done nothing wrong and it had to happen that way. I SAW that what every sentient being is can never be nudged one way or the other. It is beyond judgement. The rest is just things we do to each other and ourselves.

These days I wouldn't even know how to answer what my identity is. Wife, mother, middle aged, all of these fail to answer that.

silentrun

I've had people stick their nose in my business and my reply is "it's part of my charm."

In this case it sounds like constructive criticism and he's recognize being able to take that isn't his strong suit.

You're two months sober OP, of course you're raw.

Surlyredhead

EXACTLY! Since when are there rules about how we get those thoughts out of our system. I always thought the tables were a safe place to talk about Alcoholism and Recovery. I have to say 100, that kind of upsets me a little (a lot). When I was new in Sobriety, I was very gun-shy about talking at meetings, please, please, please don't let one persons comment stop you from getting what you need out of your system out by worrying about what someone thinks. If I was there and heard that, I would have defended you in the nicest of ways. Criticizing is not ok, maybe asking a question in a kind manor as to why the thoughts are so strong would have been a better solution. Keep in mind though, the person who made the comment may be new and also foggy and confused. Addiction and recovery is a very personal experience that we all do together!

You are not a bad person
You did nothing wrong
Keep on keeping on

Cathy

RecklessDrunk

We all have a fear of not being liked. Mine can be a bit extreme. I believe it's a built in instinct. We evolved from pack animals. If primitive man got rejected by the pack and had to survive on his own in the jungle he was in a lot of trouble.

Just have to watch, especially newer people can be sensitive. Different people are sensitive about different things. Things that suprise me sometimes. I can be a bit of a bull in a China shop. My sponsor used in similar patterns so lots of our stories were similar. Between us we could go on and on with stories and laughs. It helped me see early on just how ridiculous my thinking was when I was using. My sponsor had 10 years when I had 2 weeks so this was, I guess, a safe person for war stories.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. Drinking was the focus of my life from mid teens to early 40s. I guess I'm like an old, retired QB that will go on a football talk show or broadcast a game. I can discuss the game with the best of them but I can not be foolish enough to think I can get back out on the football field with those younger athletes ever again!

dustyfox

David, I thought your post showed you as very self aware and clearly it has worried you. Do you talk a lot because you are nervous? Perhaps your sponsor can help. You have done so very well and I hope you feel proud!

100

I'm really anxious have hard time talking with others about things that bother me. I'm so concerned people won't like me. I was alone for so long I'm not sure how relaxed around people. I say what I think they want to hear so they will like me. When I stopped drinking depression went away anxiety did not. It got better but still effects my behavior. I'm not aware I'm doing it so it's not as if I'm doing it on purpose. Also I feel like I have to on all the time as in being funny and cracking jokes.
David

nez

I can relate on so many levels as I was and felt the same way. By trying to be on or what I thought people wanted so they would like me, I was being untrue to myself which compounded my low self esteem and inability to like myself and to be comfortable in my own skin.

I had things backwards. It was a slow process, but by learning to be true to myself, instead of what I thought people wanted, I learned that I was okay. I was enough… just as I am. What you see, is what you get with me. I am authentic, which surprisingly people seem to like. Go figure!

I am not going to blow smoke and say that everyone likes me, because not everyone does; but I can live with that because I truly like myself… and it is because I am being true to myself.