Skyhawker

Well, I guess it's about time I posted. Been a long time lurker and been on and off the wagon. A lot has changed in my life the last 2 years, I lost my mother, grand father, a dear pet, cousin is paralyzed from the waist down (he might recover though), I was hospitalized twice for pancreatitis from both hypertriglycemia and alcohol induced. I went into a tailspin of depression and anxiety, drinking became worse. I didn't care what I ate or how much I drank for about a year. Performance at worked deteriorated, I'm lucky I still have a job.

Of course 2020 hasn't helped, but it has been a mild year for me compared to 2018 and 2019. My drinking went from walking a fine line for years to completely out of control. I saw the writing on the wall, that if I didn't get help soon, one of two things was going to happen. I'd end up in jail or ruin my health. My doctor wanted to put me into a 30 day rehab program, but I could not do it because of my responsibilities. Despite the drinking, I was still functioning in limp mode. I couldn't put it down, but I couldn't be out of contact that long either. Then a company finally came to town that does outpatient detox. My insurance did not cover it, but I didn't care, it was the answer I was waiting for. It's been hard, they said it would be easier if I went to AA, but there is this pandemic and all. They suggested I go online and I remembered this site and my account, and here I am.

The cravings come and go in random waves, but for the first time in a long time I feel free. Free from the constant self-destructive cycle and day to day anxiety. It hasn't been easy, but things are a lot easier when sober. Getting through the holidays was tough, just had to remind myself I'd slip right back into my old ways and that I've tried it before to no avail. It helps to remind myself of the anxiety I once felt and that it is waiting around the corner if I decide to go back. What I've done so far has worked, I just hope it keeps working. One of the other things keeping me straight is that, the hospital visits will come up for review with the government and my job will hang in the balance. I'm on random ETG testing for at least 6 months, so that is definitely in the back of my head too. I love my job and certainly don't want to lose it. Any advice to someone new but determined?

Erica375

Wow, Skyhawker, it sounds like you've been through the wringer! Congratulations on 60 days sober!

If you want to try AA, many are Zoom meetings now. I haven't tried it yet because I don't follow that program, but people here have. You coukd post and ask for opinions from people here.

You might also think of putting together a plan of what you will do if you get hit with an urge to drink. My plan is usually something like, eat a high-protein snack, drink some water and/or tea, brush my teeth, then find something to distract me. My current favorite distraction is crossword puzzles. You could also come here to read and respond to posts. Whatever works for you.

Keep up the good work, and I hope to see you around!

Dee74

Its good to see you back SkyHawker - congrats on 60 days..I think eventually we reach a point where we do whatever we can to stop and stay stopped. Sounds like you're at that point

D

Skyhawker

That's good advice, I'll have to get started on that. I already have a few things I do, like eat candy or go for a random drive. A more concrete plan would probably be more beneficial than winging it each time.

I am at that point, but the crazy thing is, that stupid urge. Like a monkey in a cage demanding I have some is really annoying. The worst are the dreams where I drink and then freak out that I could get randomly tested, and thus becomes a sort of nightmare lol.

Dee74

Support really helps when that urge hits so come here and talk it out

D

SnazzyDresser

My advice is to join the January 2021 class thread in the Newcomers area, post every day in there, and read all the other Newcomers threads every day. Immerse yourself in SR's sober culture. Learn how to live this sober thing and not just talk about it. As least might say, learn how to want to be sober more than you want to drink.

advbike

Congratulations! 60 days is huge, and you can see it is a mental game now. But it doesn't have to be.

The urge comes from the reptile brain which wants the pleasure of a buzz. That gets turned into a thought to drink, which we consider the AV (addictive voice). My personal experience is to dismiss it immediately when a thought occurs to have a drink. Drinking is no longer an option. With time the urges diminish because you're not feeding it the pleasurable substance anymore.

The class will be really helpful for support and insight.