BullDog777

Many of you who have known me for the last 10 years or so know my first love was killed when I was 17. I watched her die. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me and I've lost a lot of people since then. I fought this world for almost 30 years after that. Drinking, Drugging, killing myself because of survivor's guilt that I was supposed to be with her when she was killed.

When I got sober, I often talked about how I felt like I had been in a 30 year war with this world and I still felt like that until today..well...maybe 2 hours ago.

The guy that killed her is finally dead. He committed suicide this summer and I just found out.

Honestly.....this is what worries me....but I can't stop smiling. I'm ****** giddy about it. I called my brother and told him he was dead and the first words out of his mouth was "were you careful?!" It wasn't me!!..and he was relieved. I feel nothing about this that's not 100% evil to the bone. That's kinda scary....especially when I claim to be a Christian.

I wrote a little passage on my twitter page that just said this "In the end I hope you found absolution, but make no mistake. I hope you suffered every day you were here because that's what my life was like you ******* coward son of a *****. I won, you ****. An there were a few more choice words followed by me posting the Alice in Chains song "Rooster" and a big middle finger.

This has been my existence for the last 30 years. I feel like a 5 ton anvil has been lifted off of my chest. I'm gonna go sit outside on my deck and talk to my mom. She was a Christian too...but she was flat out...just as crazy as I am. I really miss her sometimes.

I really needed to get this off my chest.

Thanks.

-Je

Dee74

I understand the feelings, and the loss that remains, but I hope you can move on now J.
Take care Buddy.
D

Grymt

thank you for sharing

ScottFromWI

Thanks for sharing Bulldog, I think it's definitely healthy for you to talk about this and get it out there to process. As far as how you feel, I think it's probably perfectly normal to feel a wide range of things after all those years holding it in. As far as your worry as it relates to your faith, remember that no one is perfect - and no one expects you to be. So having thoughts that might go against the ideals or moral standards you believe in no way makes you less of a Christian - it just makes you a person who has feelings. Talking it throuigh with your Mother sounds like a great idea - and don't forget there's a subforum here that focuses on Christians in Recovery - might be a good group to chat with too.

Bottom line, I think you are doing all the right things and thanks for sharing. It will be a process just like everything and I wish you the best of luck in working through it all.

Philo34

Thanks Bulldog. It helped me to read this. I've had a hard time letting God have some things and they've chewed me up in the past. I hope that you can turn it all over, all of it, and get some peace.

Hevyn

Hi Bulldog. I'm so sorry for what you've been through all those years. I hope peace & tranquility will be yours now. I'm glad you wanted to talk about what happened.

MissPerfumado

Thank you so much for this, Bulldog.

It took me such a long, long time to truly understand a simple thing, that there is evil in this world. I went from being brought up by a Catholic mother, to becoming atheist, to becoming a spiritual believer... and only in the last few years have I come to appreciate that evil exists. I also now understand that good( i.e. love) does always win over evil, just as in the movies and fairytales. Evil commits an evil act and it grows when by that evil act it spreads more evil, which sadly happens all too much in this world.

We fight evil by continuing to be and do good in the face of it.

Which you have done.

I salute you, spiritual warrior.

Sohard

It seems you are giddy and smiling because an enormous weight is off your chest. It certainly makes sense to me. Congratulations. I’m excited to hear about where life can take you now.

fini

i can see why it worries you and at the same time has you giddy and relieved and maybe jubilant?
i’m pretty sure , in the big picture, others’ suffering doesn’t alleviate our own.

Briansy

Hi Bulldog, if this can give you peace then it is a wonderful thing, I wouldn't worry about interpreting the feelings you are going through, it sounds pretty natural to me. I'll admit that there are a handful of people in my life that I wished were not in this world as I have shamed myself so much in their presence while drinking. I find it really difficult to move on from those feelings of shame.

Surlyredhead

WOW, lots of hugs and love your way, I completely understand why you feel like you do. Remember, forgiveness if for us, you forgive someone to unburden yourself of the hold they have on you, it doesn't mean it was OK, it lets God take the burden. I can't imagine how horrible this has been for you. Thank you for sharing it.

Outonthetiles

Thank you, Bulldog.

least

(((Bulldog))) I understand how you feel.