Lynnsophie

I am here with absolute grief. I met a man in 2018. It was one of the first times in my life I felt like I had my own family. I was truly happy because he loved made me feel like I had a family. I put him through a year of my binge drinking. I am now sober 3 months. He left moved out of state and said he might consider counseling in 3 months. In the meantime he is dating.

Dee74

I'm sorry lynnsophie - its tough when our drinking takes away the things or people we love.\

You will find a lot of support here tho. We all deserve a good life and we deserve to do that for ourselves not for someone else?

D

Lynnsophie

Thank you so much Dee for responding. Praying for a miracle but preparing for the worse.

Mizz

I am truly sorry for this turn of events. I know it can be devastating. How are you taking care of yourself?
Do you think you need to speak with a counselor? Do you have friends who are supportive?
Post as much and as often as needed. We are all here to help lift and encourage.

Lynnsophie

Hello,

Yes I do but honestly they are sick of hearing about it. I am committed to staying sober it’s just the tremendous grief of knowing my ex is now with another woman. Even though I have 3 months sober he is asking for another 3 months then might maybe not even sure if he will do it. I have done all the begging and pleading and it makes me feel horrible about myself. It’s not who I am. On the outside I look like I have it all together. I know I am also codependent grew up with alcoholic father. Sometimes I get mad at him that he’s has not been there for me through now the sober part. I feel like he has given up and now that’s he’s dating I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive that. We were so close our first two years together. My binge drinking escalated the Oct before Covid. All I can do is keep praying and knowing this awful feeling will pass.

Anna

I'm sorry that you're going through this. The sad fact is that we lose the people we love the most when we drink. Stay sober and keep focusing on your recovery. You have no control over what your ex will do, but you can ensure a good future for yourself by staying sober.

Grymt

I'm sorry you have to go through this.
Some of the things I found that helped are:
Take my mind focus away from it and do something kind to someone who is unhappy.
Donate time and money to needy people, without expecting anything in return.
Meditation, good diet, exercise.
In time I let go. Today I am even grateful for the opportunity to grow. Peace.

Lynnsophie

Thank you all so much for your kind words. It means the world to me. So glad I am here. Love and prayers...

least

Welcome to the family LS. There's a lot of support here as well as useful tips and suggestions to shore up your sobriety and improve your life. Gratitude is the mail tool in my sober toolbox. Give it a try.

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0

DarkStranger

I'm sorry to read of the heartache you're experiencing, Lynnsophie. Congratulations on your 3 months sober. You can do this.

Delilah1

Hello and welcome to SR! I am sorry to hear about your ex, it is definitely hard when we lose people because of our drinking.

I am another one that has found focusing on gratitude to be such an important part of my recovery, and just my everyday life. Three months sobriety is definitely something to be grateful for, and it sounds like you have the support of friends and family as well. You can now add SR to that list, this is a wonderful community, and you will find lots of support on here.

Philo34

Congratulations on your sobriety first. I'm sorry for your pain and I felt the need to respond because I've been going through some relationship ups and downs myself. I understand how difficult and painfull it can be. It sucks but I know that drinking will make it worse. There's good advice already in this thread. I'm not sure where your beliefs are but I've found relief in the Bible and understanding that my heart was misplaced. We should make an effort to look at difficult times as opportunities to learn and strengthen ourselves. There is a great video on YouTube that helped me understand what I want, and how to get there, in a relationship. It was hard to hear but it helped me look in the mirror. I can pm it if you are interested.

Lynnsophie

I am so touched my all of your heartfelt comments. I am strong in my Faith and have literally been on my knees praying for God to show me the lessons I need to learn from this. No matter what happens I am sober now for me and can never see myself going back to the binge drinking I was doing. I am envious of my support group that their partners have been by the every step of the way even through relapses. I have to understand he wanted out and was letting me down gently. When I love someone its so difficult for me to let go. I am surrounding myself with positive people, friends and family and immersing in books and videos too. I would love to hear any helpful resources that helped you all of you have had something similar. I am so glad I found this group. You have all inspired me. I am sending big virtual hugs.

Philo34

Youtube Rick Warren - finding the love of your life

It's great advice for everyone IMO, no matter where you are, or what you believe. My take: We have to be whole, to truly love and be loved.

Erica375

You probably don't want to hear this, but now is a great time to focus on YOU. What do YOU want for yourself? Who do YOU want to be? Focus on making yourself and your life better. In time, the other things will fall in place.

I absolutely detest how some people paint all addicts and alcoholics as selfish. In my experience, many, especially women, are so unselfish and giving that we lose ourselves in others and drink to compensate for this profound loss of self.

So I say, be selfish! Take care of yourself first! When you've straightened yourself out, he will come back. Or you'll find someone else even more amazing. You hold the key to your own happiness. Don't give it away.
~~10+ years single, mostly sober, and mostly happy. I recommend it.

Lynnsophie

Philo and Erica you brought tears to my eyes. I am so grateful for the support here. I ventured out of my home today but had to leave a store we were use to visit a lot as a couple. He was amazing with helping with Holidays and helping care for my elderly parents. I will forever be grateful for that. Stings like heck he can already be dating but it’s his choice. I am keeping in no contact it’s the best for me. The great news is my dear high school girlfriends were gathering today, I declined. I know that would have been a trigger for me to drink and I am not that far along in my journey. Love and prayers to you all we can do this one day at a time. ❤️🙏🏻

Philo34

Lynnsophie you should understand your story has helped me as well. Seems like I keep reading this James 1:2-4 (NLT)
...when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

Gottalife

If I have understood the history correctly, when this wonderful man was there doing wonderful things, you drank. Then he left and now you are not drinking because you want him back. Over the years I have seen a lot of situations like this. It seems to be part and parcel of the alcoholic condition. The big danger is making ones sobriety contingent upon the actions of another, as in if he comes back, I will stay sober. If he later leaves, he takes with him your reason for being sober. My suggestion is to put him to one side for the moment. He is not the solution to your problem. Your problem is internal. Take the time and make the effort to resolve your problem first and know that you recovery does not depend on anyone else. Then you can get back into the mainstream of life and enjoy all that life has to offer without fear.

Mizz

I do see you are in a grieving period.

Its okay to allow yourself time to grieve and to feel it all for what it is. The loss.
In time, you may see that you are not the sole reason for this relationship to come undone.

Keep moving forward. Keep talking it out. Keep posting.
We are here for you.

Anna

I'm glad you're getting through this, Lynnsophie. I know it can't be easy.

"The Seat of the Soul' by Gary Zukav - I had no idea how to begin to love myself until I read this book.