BullDog777

Dang, I hadn't realized it's been about a month since I last checked in.

Things are very busy for me. I just finished remodeling my father's house last weekend and I'm closing on it sept 14th. It was only on the market for 2 days and we got 30 offers. So that was amazing.

I'm starting my condo remodel next week. That should take about a month to finish, and then I gotta head out to Vegas and get rid of a property there. After that, I'm taking a month vacation and then I'll go back to work on my art project. I'm F'ing tired. I feel like I've been at sonic speed since my mom passed away.

Admittedly, I'm staying busy to distract myself. I miss my mom a lot. I dunno why. She was horrible to me most of my life. But something she used to say to me when I was younger really hit me last week. She said to me "I hope one day you can see me as a person and not just your mother". It sucks that I didn't get that realization until after she died.

I have a lot of regret. I could have tried harder. The reality of the situation is, she's not coming back. Ever. The only thing I can do now, is to live in a manner that would make her proud. An I think she would be.

Three days ago, I clipped 4 years and 6 months. Things are not easy for me right now, but I'm hanging in there. I love this life so much. I'm so grateful for my sobriety.

I promise I'll try to do better checking in.

Stayingsassy

Hi!!

I’ll be at 3 years in 23 days, but I haven’t been so good at checking in either. Basically I was logged out and couldn’t log back in, but was lazy and distracted enough by other kinds of social media that I didn’t work that hard to get back in. I’m not dependent on SR for my sobriety. I’m sober because drinking made my life a ******** and I have the gift of continued awareness of that.

I remember the distracted thing when my dad died, I did tons of trips, but was still sad the whole time. Also, I can relate to the guilt. Oh the guilt, it ate me up inside, I was internally ragged, yet somehow tearing myself up even further every single day. Why, with the guilt; such a ubiquitous and unfortunate part of grief. I hope you had the same visions I did, of my dad saying “knock that off sassy, I knew you loved me, stop tearing yourself to pieces and live.” But I kept tearing anyway.

I’m proud of you for your four years and six months. I’ve been waiting for you to come back and check in.

I miss your thoughtful posts.

I know it seems impossible but cut yourself that slack anyway. You’re a good son. She was proud of you. She really wants you to “knock that off, bulldog, I knew you loved me, even though our relationship wasn’t perfect.”

BullDog777

Hi Sassy,

I'm so glad you're here. Your reply was exactly what I needed to hear tonight. You're awesome. Thank you.

Dee74

Congrats on 4 and a half years BD
I'm not sure I agree you have grounds for the guilt, but I like the idea of living right

D

Hevyn

Great to see you, BullDog. I really liked your comment, "I love this life so much." It's wonderful to see how happy you are with your sobriety. Over 4 1/2 yrs. is fabulous.
We look forward to hearing more from you. Be proud of yourself for all that you've achieved.

SnazzyDresser

I always find your threads and posts inspiring, Bulldog. You're a great example of sobriety in action, of what it means to keep fighting the good fight.

ZIP

Really nice post 'dog. Great job on 4.5 years...and taking control.
That's inspiring.

Outonthetiles

Huge congrats on four and half years!

Bobbieka

I'm so sorry for your loss, Bulldog. I lost my father a few months ago. I don't think I was ready for the finality of death. It just freaking hurts. Grief is the cost of love, they say.

I'm proud of you for remaining sober during this time - it's not easy. Well done. 4 years and 3 months here. Keep it up, keep checking in. It's good to hear from you.

Stayingsassy

Hi Bobbie,

I’m so sorry about your dad. I lost mine in January of 2019. It was a terrible loss for me, it felt like the very ground beneath me was crumbling. It made me question everything. I stayed sober because I was already sober, but I felt like my life as I knew it was gone forever. Today when I think of love: who I love, what love means? My dads face comes to mind immediately.

I know my friend Bulldog won’t mind I hijacked his thread. BD I hope your life settles enough to rest and relax soon. We just started distance learning over here on the west coast too. It’s definitely more chill than getting kids ready for school! Now if my state didn’t resemble the infernal fires of hell, and my entire world wasn’t an ashtray, that would be good too.

I want to take my moms camper and do a five day fast on the beach....by myself...or maybe just the side of the road? Books, electrolyte water, black coffee, and myself. Escape....

TheEnd

Congrats on 4 years bro. I can't believe it's almost been a years since I checked in. I wanted to start checking in more regularly and be active and I guess I failed. LOL. Well at least I made it to congratulate you on your anniversary. Keep up all the good work! Love you brother.

BullDog777

There he is! Always great to hear from you. Love you too bro.

AAPJ

BD you got some great responses from other successful sober SR members. Always good to hear that folks are still coming back and checking in. You guys are great to hear from. I heard in a meeting that "coming back is giving back". Have a great day.