kinethra

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 3 years, living together most of it. He got sober back in January and has said recently that he feels different (about me and life) since he got out of rehab. He says that, while he loves me, he isn't sure if he has ever been "in love" with me because he doesn't remember "feeling butterflies" for me. He said he has trouble feeling anything since he got sober. He used to be very emotional and he says he doesnt get excited about anything, sad or angry. He hasn't cried since he got out of rehab.

I want to understand how to help him better and i want to know if these thoughts and feelings are normal? What can I do to help him? How can I better give him space to sort through his thoughts? He isn't a great communicator but did say he wants to go back to counseling but won't call kaiser. I'm at a total loss. I saw a thread on emotional detachment and it sounded a lot like what he is dealing with.

I need some insight, please help!

Anna

Welcome,

Early recovery is a time of growth and change. I'm glad that your boyfriend has stayed sober. It could be that he is depressed and he might want to talk to his doctor about that, at some point. There is really not a lot that you can do to help him. Recovery is a very personal journey. Counselling could be helpful for him if he is willing to look into it. This could be a time for you to focus on yourself and to allow your boyfriend to work on his recovery. AlAnon in your community could be helpful for you, too.

LumenandNyx

You might try literally giving him space. As in - stop approaching him. Back off. Allow him to come to you.

I was extremely wobbly once I got through withdrawal and entered early sobriety. I was moody, touchy, bitchy, wanted to be alone, and uninterested in food. It was like two things had happened at the same time: I got off an extremely jacked up roller coaster ride and someone I loved deeply had just died. I wasn't approachable. My go to was " get out of my face!"

Not nice.

And then I slowly started to snap out of it once I got my legs back. And now I'm o-tay. And if you can figure out what it means to give your man the space he needs to get his legs back - he'll hopefully be o-tay too. It takes time and a heaping handful of patience on your part.

Best.

least

Let him know you support his recovery but give him space. Early recovery can be a bumpy ride and emotions can be up and down. I'd let him be and wait for him to come to you.

kinethra

Thank you! I'm doing my best with the space. I thought he wanted the apartment to himself so I got a hotel room for a few days but then he got grumpy and said it wasn't what he meant by space and wanted me to come home and im just like.. aaaaah

MaximusD

I agree with the give him space. If you try to help too much it would get annoying and off putting if it were me. Also, we want what we can't have. I say this in the sense that when my wife is really into me sometimes it gets old/annoying and actually makes me LESS into here. When she is not into me it makes me MORE into her. This is not always the situation but I hope you understand what I am trying to say.

Bottom line: You can't really do much probably which might be hard. Just tell him to tell you what he needs when he needs it.

MaximusD

Oh and I wanted to add, don't bother with Kaiser therapy. From my experience it takes forever. You can get private therapy for about 100 bucks a session if the person is still under a supervisor and not have to wait/deal with kaisers crappy mental health system.

biminiblue

I would have been extremely adverse to sharing my feelings and emotions with a significant other in early sobriety. I didn't really know which way was up and if anyone even used the word, "You," to me, I lost it. The word You felt like an attack to me, and personal conversations seemed super intrusive. I was really really hyper-sensitive. I needed a LOT of space, emotionally. It did get easier once my personal boundaries became clear again. It was a weird time for me, early sobriety.

He feels differently, probably because he's not the same person at all.

If you want to be with him just give him a lot of privacy and don't try to, "help him." As an adult he's going to have to find his own way.

SnazzyDresser

It's possible that he's just not that into you right now. He's more into staying sober, learning how to live sober, ie saving his own life. If I were you, I'd work on enriching your own life in some fundamental way while he's busy sorting himself out.

Cellardweller

I'm a little over three years in and I haven't felt as much of any 'ups', many more 'downs' since quitting drinking. I met my partner while I was drinking and she rarely saw me without a buzz+ the first four years we were together. I also drank through the honeymooning period of our relationship. I may understand what he's going through, like a lot of the people here.

How long was he drinking before you both met? He may be trying to find who he is as his life may have revolved around getting drunk or maintaining the lifestyle. The things that entertained us, gave us joy, or interested us may not anymore. He'll need to find those back if he can. This can take a lot of time. This is a hard situation, being frank, he may not be the same guy you met depending on how much he was drinking. That is a regret of mine, that I took my girlfriend along for the ride and became someone else after I quit.

Give him some space, but take care of yourself too. Support his recovery effort but also understand that he may be sorting through a lot and might come out a different person on the other side of it all.

Best of luck.

sugarbear1

maybe go to Al Anon and work your own program of recovery?

ant385

sounds like he is suffering from PAWS to me. One of the key symptoms is a feeling of numbness and lack of enjoyment in anything. Give him time to heal. He will bounce back gradually but he could be up and down for up to 2 years. It’s not you. It’s him. He needs space though.