Every day I'm reminded of where I was headed...
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 307
Every day I'm reminded of where I was headed...
It's just three days since booze went on sale again in South Africa, and things at home are back to “normal”. Just three days. Monday went surprisingly well, I thought. Just over half a bottle (750ml, or a “fifth”) of brandy between the two of them – dad and stepmom. Tuesday, the arguing, swearing, and a lot of the other “normal” stuff began, or rather - slowly started off where it - almost but not completely - stopped around 45 days ago. (The booze-ban was for 66 days, but dad and “mom” stocked up with two cases (24 x 750ml brandy – one for each day); the original ban would have been for three weeks only, but was extended by a month). It’s now Wednesday night and things have almost completely returned to normal; bottle cracked at three in the afternoon, both half-way drunk by four, swearing, fighting, real bad racism by five [ .....] bottle empty by seven and they’re in bed snoring 2 minutes later. Tomorrow they will be hung-over, zombie-like, un-communicative, glum and gloomy, till around two – when anticipation for the fresh bottle usually kicks in. Then stepmom will get perky and all giggly, and dad will crack a couple of stupid jokes which he’s repeated a thousand times – each joke at least two or three times a week. But by seven they’ll be in bed again and I’ll have peace, and I’ll dream about getting away from this ugly, toxic place - again.
Tonight I’ve realized why I want them to drink. It’s simple really; when they’re drunk – which is every day, without fail, like a lot of you know – I can see where I’ve been headed just six months ago. Drunk each day, a red-faced, boorish, stumbling unhealthy sot. With all the connected s*** and other issues connected to it. You all know what they are; I don’t have to write them down.
Instead, I feel healthier than I have in years, the fuzzy-brain thing gets better all the time (what normal in that department is, I’ve forgotten, but I think I’ll know when I get there – and be happily surprised), I exercise, I actually sleep, I write, I dream again, I have hope again… All after just six months; imagine what I’m going to feel like at the end of the year.
My aim is simple: I want to be happy again - perhaps for the first time in decades. It’s just one more thing - happiness - that I have taken away from myself; and I did it, I know. The booze was a tool only, one which contributed a hell of a lot, but it was me that did it. I chose to drink; I poured all of that poison and unhappiness down my throat.
On the 12th of December2019, I made a new choice; I chose not to drink. It’s almost six months now, and I’m still hanging in there. One day at a time, and the one thing I do know, is that tomorrow, at least, I will not drink.
Sorry about the long post, everyone. I’m listening to “Tiny Tears” by Tindersticks, and making the world go away for just a few hours.
Tonight I’ve realized why I want them to drink. It’s simple really; when they’re drunk – which is every day, without fail, like a lot of you know – I can see where I’ve been headed just six months ago. Drunk each day, a red-faced, boorish, stumbling unhealthy sot. With all the connected s*** and other issues connected to it. You all know what they are; I don’t have to write them down.
Instead, I feel healthier than I have in years, the fuzzy-brain thing gets better all the time (what normal in that department is, I’ve forgotten, but I think I’ll know when I get there – and be happily surprised), I exercise, I actually sleep, I write, I dream again, I have hope again… All after just six months; imagine what I’m going to feel like at the end of the year.
My aim is simple: I want to be happy again - perhaps for the first time in decades. It’s just one more thing - happiness - that I have taken away from myself; and I did it, I know. The booze was a tool only, one which contributed a hell of a lot, but it was me that did it. I chose to drink; I poured all of that poison and unhappiness down my throat.
On the 12th of December2019, I made a new choice; I chose not to drink. It’s almost six months now, and I’m still hanging in there. One day at a time, and the one thing I do know, is that tomorrow, at least, I will not drink.
Sorry about the long post, everyone. I’m listening to “Tiny Tears” by Tindersticks, and making the world go away for just a few hours.
Last edited by Dee74; 06-03-2020 at 04:13 PM. Reason: refer PM
Re-Tread
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Meditation
Posts: 1,300
Beautiful post!
Sounds like a partial nightmare but it is nice that you can find positivity and hope within it. 🙂
I think about how I feel right now versus drinking and I am overwhelmed. It's completely senseless why I would choose that way of life you described. Over and over and over again.
I'm so grateful to have another chance.
Sounds like a partial nightmare but it is nice that you can find positivity and hope within it. 🙂
I think about how I feel right now versus drinking and I am overwhelmed. It's completely senseless why I would choose that way of life you described. Over and over and over again.
I'm so grateful to have another chance.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
I don't have that reminder, but I still have little spatial disorientations, anxiety, obsessions, and frustrations daily. All of these things and more enveloped me in a living hell or horrors for well over 1 year. These things didn't really go away, I got used to them over this period of about 5 years.
In my experience if I were to relapse, the first time I might get away with a quick bounce back, but soon enough (maybe even the first time) I would be plagued again with all of the above hells in spades or institutionally worse.
Now this clean I make a conscious effort to not appear too confident or competent. Everyday I run into someone that needs to feel dominant/in charge. They blindly move forward, thinking they have the world by the tail.
I know my limitations and know where I was 5 years ago. I was a red eyed, high blood pressure, fat, lazy, tired, pathetic mad man. I am humbly sober and thankful to those that had the patience or at least the ability to overlook my ridiculousness.
Amen.
Thanks.
In my experience if I were to relapse, the first time I might get away with a quick bounce back, but soon enough (maybe even the first time) I would be plagued again with all of the above hells in spades or institutionally worse.
Now this clean I make a conscious effort to not appear too confident or competent. Everyday I run into someone that needs to feel dominant/in charge. They blindly move forward, thinking they have the world by the tail.
I know my limitations and know where I was 5 years ago. I was a red eyed, high blood pressure, fat, lazy, tired, pathetic mad man. I am humbly sober and thankful to those that had the patience or at least the ability to overlook my ridiculousness.
Amen.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 625
Your post is pretty inspiring. I read that you have the determination that it takes to succeed in taking charge of your health while living in chaos within your house and outside of it as well. I believe that you will be "happy again". What does that look like for you? Have you got short term and long term plans yet? Congratulations on your sobriety!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 307
Originally Posted by JK130 
Your post is pretty inspiring. I read that you have the determination that it takes to succeed in taking charge of your health while living in chaos within your house and outside of it as well. I believe that you will be "happy again". What does that look like for you? Have you got short term and long term plans yet? Congratulations on your sobriety!
Six months sober tomorrow
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 307
Thank you everyone. Without SR, I don’t think I would even have gotten to a month. Getting sober is easy, as they say; staying sober is the hard part. That’s where SR comes in for me. I visit this forum many times a day - the positivity I always find here helps strengthen my resolve to stay sober; the desperation from some, in some ways, strengthens it even more – it was me six months ago.
Six months and a day today, and today I won’t drink.
Have a great sober weekend, everyone on SR.
Six months and a day today, and today I won’t drink.
Have a great sober weekend, everyone on SR.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
Happy 6 month anniversary RB. Congratulations on all that heavy lifting in front of the word processor. That takes major discipline. How about a synopsis of the stand alone and series anchor? Enquiring minds want to know 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 307
First off, I hope this is OK with you, Dee, Anna and the other Admins and/or Mod’s.
OK, guys – Dropsie and Hawk. Just a short synopsis. The stand alone book is about a woman who leaves her husband of ten years because he’s incapable of showing love or returning it. She remains friends with a mutual friend of theirs, who is also the MC’s - (main character and narrator; the book is in the “first person”)’s agent. Ten years later his agent tells Daniel (Danny), who is by then a very famous writer), that Jeannie (ex-wife) is in hospital. She has ALS – motor-neuron disease, also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease. He fetches Jeannie to his house on Fishers Island, and the bulk of the story is about memories and the last year they have together before Jeannie dies.
There are many twists and turns of course, and some strange and/or unique characters;
Kate - Jeannie’s nurse, a fiery-tempered Irish woman;
Paulie - Daniel’s all-round live-in “self-appointed” helper - chauffeur/cook/handyman; a 6’6”, fifth generation Italian-American fisherman, body-builder and brilliant guitarist, who still boasts about his Sicilian roots and sometimes still acts and talks as if he was “back there”. (Kate and Paulie hates each other's guts...)
Rita – Daniel’s agent – a six foot tall, overweight, no-nonsense African-American lesbian who just abhores Paulie.
Plus a few others…
Romance, great food, great music, good memories, a horse, a will (Jeannie also becomes famous, albeit too late for her to enjoy)… The sea, the seasons, and, and….
The Spin-off Series… (Romance).
Paulie and Kate (married now, with a toddler), and living in a new house, built on the same stand and close to Daniel’s, buys a boat which they call the “Jeannie-K” (Luv-Fishin). It’s all about the “Luv” though, not about the “Fishin”.
Each book will have different characters who fall in love; all the books with the boat, Kate, Paulie, the island, and, and, as anchors…
Long- and short-winded, and boring? but you asked for it, guys….
OK, guys – Dropsie and Hawk. Just a short synopsis. The stand alone book is about a woman who leaves her husband of ten years because he’s incapable of showing love or returning it. She remains friends with a mutual friend of theirs, who is also the MC’s - (main character and narrator; the book is in the “first person”)’s agent. Ten years later his agent tells Daniel (Danny), who is by then a very famous writer), that Jeannie (ex-wife) is in hospital. She has ALS – motor-neuron disease, also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease. He fetches Jeannie to his house on Fishers Island, and the bulk of the story is about memories and the last year they have together before Jeannie dies.
There are many twists and turns of course, and some strange and/or unique characters;
Kate - Jeannie’s nurse, a fiery-tempered Irish woman;
Paulie - Daniel’s all-round live-in “self-appointed” helper - chauffeur/cook/handyman; a 6’6”, fifth generation Italian-American fisherman, body-builder and brilliant guitarist, who still boasts about his Sicilian roots and sometimes still acts and talks as if he was “back there”. (Kate and Paulie hates each other's guts...)
Rita – Daniel’s agent – a six foot tall, overweight, no-nonsense African-American lesbian who just abhores Paulie.
Plus a few others…
Romance, great food, great music, good memories, a horse, a will (Jeannie also becomes famous, albeit too late for her to enjoy)… The sea, the seasons, and, and….
The Spin-off Series… (Romance).
Paulie and Kate (married now, with a toddler), and living in a new house, built on the same stand and close to Daniel’s, buys a boat which they call the “Jeannie-K” (Luv-Fishin). It’s all about the “Luv” though, not about the “Fishin”.
Each book will have different characters who fall in love; all the books with the boat, Kate, Paulie, the island, and, and, as anchors…Long- and short-winded, and boring? but you asked for it, guys….
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