LiamF95

i've been sitting on the fence all day about posting this but things seem a little heavier at night so thought i'd give it a go..

My mum has been an alcoholic for the past 15 years. She suffered a pretty brutal divorce with my dad and since then, everything has spiralled out of control. A lot of my memories of my mum tend not to be positive- lots of flashbacks of having to put her in the recovery position, phoning for ambulances, fighting with my dad and having a serious car crash due to drink driving.
my mum is a good person and despite everything that has happened as a result of her actions, I still try to see the good in her even though at times its incredibly hard and right now, its probably the hardest its ever been for me.

For the past year she got sober and I had finally managed to rebuild a relationship with her, I was going back home for weekends, having her over for visits and speaking on the phone everyday- positive memories from years ago were starting to flood back.
Sadly she started drinking again on christmas eve which resulted in me leaving and I've never felt guilt like it; knowing that someone really doesnt want you to leave but recognising for myself that those conditions are not healthy for me to stay in. Since then i've really distanced myself and its something i've regularly done over the years but now I feel its having a bad effect on my mums impression of our relationship- that I dont want anything to do with her.

Today i've endured multiple phone calls in which I've tried to reason with her but because of how drunk she was, it was a really emotional exchange for both of us and I feel like i'm losing her and theres nothing I can do to stop it. Her mum recently got put into care for Dementia which has been really tough for her.

Out of everyone, i am the most protective over my mum because I know her worth and her value and the impact that she has on my life when shes in a good place but considering the current situation, I'm worried that my distancing is going to have a major negative effect on her current state- does anyone have any advice on how to approach this without seeming like i'm turning my back?

Steph1h2

Hi, Liam...

I'm so sorry that you're going through this and that your mum is in this situation.

I'm not sure whether my advice will be of any help as I haven't been in that position before but I'm just gonna throw some things out there and hopefully it's of some use...She was sober for a considerable amount of time which is great but we get to a point where we can convince ourselves that we can drink again and manage it better etc...Also on the other side of things we know what its like to go through withdrawal and it is scary to say the least.

I know you have said about trying to speak to her and that it was emotional for both of you which seems to me like she does have empathy and probably some guilt for the choices she has made...Have you made your position right now completely clear? Again, can be difficult when someone is under the influence.

Do you think that you could have it in you to offer to take her to a mental health practitioner, gp, meetings or counselling? I think 1 at least or maybe all of these resources could really be of benefit for her - Has she previously tried any of the above? Also, sometimes we don't understand or know of the damage that we are causing to ourselves physically and mentally...It was very eye opening to me to hear what my doctor had to say after numerous tests and blood work.
Is there a possibility or medical detox or rehab?

I think you've made good choices in distancing yourself a wee bit to protect your own well-being - please don't feel guilty. Sometimes we have to be a little harsher to be kind in the long run. Your influence in all of this is very limited unfortunately and people have to want to change to really be able to give it a go. Wanting to change for someone else is only going to get us so far - we depend on ourselves.

I really hope you find some peace of mind soon and that positive things begin. I'll be thinking of you.

Also, don't hesitate in continuing to post if you need to and just know that we are all here for you.

Cosima11

I think it's fair to tell her you'll be there to support her if she's helping herself but you won't support her drinking.. Trying to have deep and emotional conversations with someone who is wasted is rarely if ever productive. She may or may not even remember it the next day. I've faced (and am still facing) some similar family issues but have learned making sure I'm healthy needs to remain my first priority before trying to help anyone else. And even if I'm healthy, sometimes continuously draining my energy for someone I can't change or who isn't taking any actions to help themselves does nothing to bring about any positive results.

I don't think it needs to be an all or nothing scenario but setting boundaries (like not seeing or speaking to her when she's drunk, not talking about her drinking unless it's what she's doing to stop, etc.) is fair imo.

FeelingGreat

Hi Liam, I suggest you post this in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum where you'll meet lots of people who have experience of coping with an A in the family.

It's awful when you start to rebuild a relationship and the A relapses. The fact that she was sober for a year beforehand shows she knew there was a problem, and was able to do something about it, even if it didn't last. That's hopeful for the future. Did she go to rehab, or attend AA, or have some other form of support?

As for the situation now, there's not a lot you can do until she reaches the point where she wants to be sober again. There isn't much point in talking to her when she's under the influence, but if she has a sober window you could let her know how you feel without telling her what to do. I suggest you resist her drunk calling altogether.

As adults, As have the right to drink, but we have the right to look after ourselves and not be around them when they're drinking. Many people find Al-anon (for family and friends) a godsend for coping with an A. Why not give it a try? Also have a look around the F&F forum, read the stickies, and educate yourself about alcoholism. All the best.

entropy1964

What a compassionate post. And what a lucky lady your Mom is to have your compassion.

You've said an awful lot. And there is much in your post that I relate to with respect to my daughter. She is much like you and I'm so grateful that she hasn't slammed the door in my face. I would understand if she did.

My father was a drunk. Never tried to quit. I never tried to rely on him because he never actually did any parenting (nor did my Mom but that another story). He'd make promises while drunk and never remember them in the morning. One in particular: I was about 8, he was loaded and was holding me captive on his lap (which was awful) but he said he'd take me to the park and get me ice cream. I know, so cliche. But I'd never actually been to the park with my parents. So I thought, WOW. And I'd never done anything with either of my parents one on one. Of course, next morning he was hung over and hostile (pretty sure he was making a drink) so I knew that whole thing was forgotten. I think that's the last time I ever expected anything from him. I guess what I'm saying is, he was always drunk, so I never got close.

I have struggled to stay sober for 15 years. I'm on my longest stretch now of, uh, well not sure. But years. I know, weird that I don't know. I simply stopped trying to count and be all caught up in that. Doesn't work for me. My daughter relies on me heavily and we are very close. But when I drink it all blows up in her face (well sort of) but emotionally its torture. I think its harder for her with me, than it was for me with my dad, because I just blew him off. And he didn't care. She loves me and needs me and has expectations. Like, ya know, an adult child should. That makes a relapse even more brutal for her, as I believe it does for you. Its awful to watch someone you love and respect destroy themselves. And you are powerless to stop it.

My mother and father are in memory care....and yes it's brutal. My mom had a stroke about 10 days ago and is now in skilled nursing, away from dad. Even more brutal. BUT it is NOT an excuse for me to drink. Period. Hard things, tragic things, happen to many many of us and not everyone drinks over it. I can find any reason to drink if I'm so determined.

You must protect yourself. Its a very tough thing to walk away from. Its scary even. But you do you. Let her do her. That is what I would want my daughter to do.

Sorry for the long post. Your words really struck such a chord.