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Alcoholic for...5 years?

Old 02-16-2020, 08:29 PM
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i know you said you want thoughts on the amounts you drink, and your history. but i don’t care about that; what to me is the telling thing: “ express that I really want to quit, but haven't been able to”.
yep, i spent years there. desperate years, with this weird relief of not quitting, “getting”to keep the booze in my life. and then, over and over, desperately wanting sobriety and “finding myself” over and over ba k drinking.
exactly as the above-mentioned quote by Derringer states.
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Old 02-16-2020, 08:57 PM
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Hi and welcome bluesa

I hope you understand the very good intent behind the occasional terseness

When I cam here like you I wanted to quit but couldn't. This community helped me turn things around - I know we can help you too
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Old 02-17-2020, 07:14 AM
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I've been genuinely worried if I have caused health issues after around 5 years of heavy drinking...I just simply drank without thought, like it's all fine.

I didn't drink last night, but tonight I bought a bottle of wine to drink it all, I just took a sip, and just stopped, the open bottle and filled glass next to me, I didn't continue. I've been seriously thinking lately, this pattern of behavior is going to kill me if I continue. This might be the first time I open a bottle of wine and pour it down the sink. The thing is, I enjoy alcohol, but I feel I kind of ruined it for myself. If I just left it as a moderate thing, it would've been better.
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Old 02-17-2020, 07:44 AM
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Alcohol and time:

The early years - Alcohol = fun
The middle years - Alcohol = fun + consequences
The later years - Alcohol = consequences

We can't turn back the clock.


I came across this a while back and it really resonated with me. Reading your posts made me think about it again.

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Old 02-17-2020, 08:17 AM
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Originally Posted by 2ndhandrose View Post
Alcohol and time:

The early years - Alcohol = fun
The middle years - Alcohol = fun + consequences
The later years - Alcohol = consequences

We can't turn back the clock.


I came across this a while back and it really resonated with me. Reading your posts made me think about it again.

Really true. It was a bit liberating having not drank last night, and have a fresh bottle of wine open in front of me tonight, and not drinking it. I took a sip of the cup, thought a little, then spilled the bottle and cup.

I decided I am quitting. I looked at photos of my phone, various events from the 1st year I really started drinking, then the 2nd...then 3rd...4th...5th year...and just thought to myself, this is the history of my life, a history that is not changing. It's not been entirely about drinking these years, I've done a lot of great things with my life, in a great relationship, traveling the world etc, but it's been a BIG negative part of my life after the 1st year of 'fun'. It's a strange feeling being 29 and feeling like, you're approaching health problems/death by consistently drinking like this.

I know that if I continue to 6th, 7th, 8th etc years of drinking, it will be the end. I'm changing my life starting tonight, with that bottle of wine I spilled down the drain.
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Old 02-17-2020, 08:25 AM
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You will never regret that decision.

Wish I had been smart enough to make the same one at age 29. I didn't and it took another 20 years plus for me to finally realize how alcohol was destroying my life slowly.

Well done!
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Old 02-17-2020, 09:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
You will never regret that decision.

Wish I had been smart enough to make the same one at age 29. I didn't and it took another 20 years plus for me to finally realize how alcohol was destroying my life slowly.

Well done!
After throwing the bottle of wine away tonight (I'm in Tokyo if you're wondering about timezone), I took a warm shower, and squeezed 3 fresh lemons in a cup and added water (it might sound like a lot of lemons but I like it really strong).

I think this strong lemon water is much healthier and rewarding than that bottle of wine I spilled. I've 'quit' many times, so I hope I can keep this up, but being able to just express my thoughts on this forum really helps.
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Old 02-17-2020, 09:55 AM
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great start on following up on a great decision.
sticking around and having daily engagement with others in soberland or trying-to-be-in-soberland was one of the first big foundation stones for me.
keep going.
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Old 02-17-2020, 10:05 AM
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Originally Posted by fini View Post
i know you said you want thoughts on the amounts you drink, and your history. but i don’t care about that; what to me is the telling thing: “ express that I really want to quit, but haven't been able to”.
yep, i spent years there. desperate years, with this weird relief of not quitting, “getting”to keep the booze in my life. and then, over and over, desperately wanting sobriety and “finding myself” over and over ba k drinking.
exactly as the above-mentioned quote by Derringer states.
Thank you for your message now fini, and also pulling this previous message of yours. This message kinda stuck with me because it's so true.

First years of fun there were no thoughts of concern, but past couple years there have been too many justifications, trying to eat healthier to keep booze (like counterbalancing the negative health effects),control units intake (instead of 4 days a week 3 days a week of 10-20 units/night), but the math just never added up. I had a "weird relief" to keeping the booze that was crushed by overwhelming guilt and self-hate afterwards that slowly eats you up when you realize you are repeatedly making a wrong decision. I feel, you can't be happy knowingly making wrong decisions like these in life. I'm (we're) better off just without it.
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Old 02-17-2020, 01:38 PM
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Hang in there bluesa. The decision is the right one, although your brain might start convincing you otherwise - that's where you flex your newfound sober muscles: come here, share and open up, whine/complain ... as long as you stay off the sauce, things will get better.

Just like the poor decisions add up in the negative sense, so do the decisions we consider to be the right ones deep down.

Try and notice the small improvements where you can, it helps with keeping on track.

Also - I found a great drink to be mineral water (bubbly, slighly salty because of the minerals) mixed with cranberry juice. Down a glass of that when it's really cold and it gives a good spark. And it's healthy. Your lemon juice option reminded me to suggest this My personal favourite
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Old 02-17-2020, 09:01 PM
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the whole control-thing...well, the first give-away was the fact that i had to try to control
never could do it, and sure not for lack of trying.
sobriety is sooooo much easier!
easier. happier. shame-less. hiding-less. responsive and responsible. all that good stuff.
you can do this!
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Old 02-18-2020, 08:12 AM
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I realized I had a problem with alcohol (and somewhat with other drugs) in my mid 20's and finally decided I was alcoholic and needed to quit at age 29. I started going to AA...went to a lot of meetings for a couple of years...eventually decided "I got this" and moved on with my life. Me and my wife separated when I was 6 years sober and several months later I picked up a drink in a bar. I thought it was going to be a "one off" kind of thing but I ended up right back where I left off very quickly.

After about a year I quit again and went back to AA. Rinse and repeat...went to a lot of meetings for a few years, decided "I got this" and stopped going to meetings. A few years later I had to have heart surgery due to a congenital problem that finally reached the point that surgery could no longer be avoided. I then had complications with my sternum that kept me on opiates for ~6 months. I had another surgery that corrected the sternum issues and the opiates were cut off. I eventually picked up a drink again and drank for 8 more miserable years.

In the end i was basically a hermit, "trapped" in my room drinking every waking hour. Every morning I would wake up and contemplate whether or not I should just "end things" before taking my first drink of the day. One day, for reasons I still don't know, I googled alcohol rehabs in my area. I saw that the same hospital I had heart surgery at also had a substance abuse treatment program. I called my GP (also part of that hospital system) and made an appointment to see him the next day. I came clean to him about my drinking and he referred me to that program as well as help me do a home detox.

That was in April of 2013. I will celebrate 7 years sober in a couple of months. I went back to AA for a 3rd time, but this time I actually followed suggestions and got a sponsor and worked the steps. I still go to meetings to this day because now I have a purpose at those meetings, to give back to others what was freely given to me.

This post went on a lot longer than I planned, but the goal was to point out that I was exactly your age when I realized that my drinking was no longer normal. What I shared after that was to illustrate what alcohol can do if you let it fester. If you are truly an alcoholic it won't just "go away". I found it to be like a lot of other chronic illnesses...it tends to go into remission while treating it but it's always ready to reappear when you stop treating it.
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Old 02-21-2020, 01:16 PM
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I caved in, and just went on autopilot, got drinks and drank 16.5units last night, and smoke a few cigarettes. I woke feeling extremely crappy, depressed.

It was about 5 days I got through without alcohol, which wasn't really too difficult, but I really want to go 1 month without alcohol to start, and continue from there. I haven't gone over 2 weeks without alcohol for 5 years.
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Old 02-21-2020, 08:17 PM
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did you ever google that quote that Derringer pulled up for you?

some more reading, to see the context, might be helpful to you. or not.
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Old 02-22-2020, 05:15 PM
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Originally Posted by bluesa View Post
I caved in, and just went on autopilot, got drinks and drank 16.5units last night, and smoke a few cigarettes. I woke feeling extremely crappy, depressed.

It was about 5 days I got through without alcohol, which wasn't really too difficult, but I really want to go 1 month without alcohol to start, and continue from there. I haven't gone over 2 weeks without alcohol for 5 years.
I cannot overstress how effective it is to post here and ask for help, instead of buying that first bottle and drinking.

You can have a different outcome, if you're prepared to make different decisions.

will you be happy not to drink - probably not at the time, but you'll thank yourself the morning after.

Its a little short term pain for long tern gain.


D
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Old 02-22-2020, 11:52 PM
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You don't have to fit into a certain category to quit drinking. I had problems for 1-2 years at most if not less than a year.

I started drinking in 2012/2013 time frame in the military (way to socialize). I got out of the military years ago, but kept drinking (got out over 5 years ago). It got kind of bad over the years.

I decided it was getting kind of bad so I just decided to quit. I was more or so preventive myself with minor issues.

You don't need to fall into a certain category to quit drinking. Pretty much anyone that got a certain way got there from drinking beforehand (trying my best to avoid alcoholic as a word). I got my own way from drinking beforehand and quit before it got too bad.

I just decided one day to quit drinking and I'm almost at 100 days (tomorrow) myself.

Story is kind of like mine with some changes. I'm 31 myself. I had to find other stuff to do myself.
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Old 02-23-2020, 05:25 AM
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Originally Posted by bluesa View Post
I caved in, and just went on autopilot, got drinks and drank 16.5units last night, and smoke a few cigarettes. I woke feeling extremely crappy, depressed.

It was about 5 days I got through without alcohol, which wasn't really too difficult, but I really want to go 1 month without alcohol to start, and continue from there. I haven't gone over 2 weeks without alcohol for 5 years.
Not so easy is it?

Your story reminds me of my own truths. These are my thoughts from my own experience.

Quitting alcohol is incredibly simple in theory.
Quitting alcohol is incredibly difficult in real life.

Finally to comment on the opening discussion. Since you want honest feedback. Asking if you are an "alcoholic" is a waste of time.
You drink too much. It's not healthy. You should quit if you want to improve your health going forward.
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Old 02-23-2020, 11:29 AM
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How are things today Bluesa? Do you have a plan for when things start testing you?

Hope you're well.
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Old 02-23-2020, 02:41 PM
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Hi bluesea...I read this whole thread and got very hopeful at the turn of events when you had the lemon water. I'm very sorry what happened next. Without meaning to sound harsh, as I went thru all these wranglings you are telling us about as many others here did, but you chose what to do.

I could write so much in response to your OP, my thoughts, this whole thread. At the end of the day, each of us has to decide what role alcohol has in our lives- honestly. That's essential, painful and it was a long time coming for me in what is a progressive illness.

The suggestion about googling is meant to direct you to the Big Book of AA and its explanation of alcoholism. If it resonates, it's a good route to go to save your life. I sure didn't want to, and fought tooth and nail - but among the other ways people stop drinking then find a way to live, it's a pretty good plan.

What kind of life do you want to have? There's your answer.
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