BackandScared

I almost wrote a post about this 2 days ago, but then I thought it would be disheartening by many who are struggling to see the end of the first 24 hours.

My experience: every single day has been better than any of the days filling the months before I quit. It had become a nightmare. However, no pink clouds were waiting for me. The first 3 weeks were physically gruelling. I don't know how I would have managed with a more demanding job in terms of physical effort.

I have been feeling better after that. I have always exercised and I am clearly finding working out easier now. My skin/eyes/teeth noticed the improvemeent quite early.

I did not feel I had lots of time, lots of energy or lots of anything. It has been very slow progress. But I am so much calmer. The anxiety was pretty much gone by the end of week 2.

And on day 110, I had a fantastic, glorious day. I felt I could move mountains. I slept 9 hours, exercised, spent time with kids, sorted out paperwork that was due for ages. And I have been feeling quite strong since (only 2 days more). It is not a 'pink cloud' (I don't think so).

It feels more like my body is finally recovering from the massive damage and as Silenturn said, colour has returned. I feel 'normal' again in the sense that I am not wondering how 'normal' people feel. I know it. Difficult to explain.

Briansy

Hi back, interesting stuff, thank you. Interesting hearing from someone who's still fairly early as those early feelings will be more visceral for you. I always have felt "back to normal" after 3 weeks or so but one of the reasons why I started this thread is as I'm questioning if that was really the case as I have no idea what normal is! Your road to 110 days indeed seems gruelling. How hard were you hitting it?

August252015

Backandscared - 110 days is amazing and your post is terrific.

Everyone who knows me here knows how I feel about honesty, both keeping it myself and being straight on here. Sharing the tough stuff about getting sober is so important. Part of why is that helps us see how worth it we find it to keep going.

I'll smooth out my comment above about how blunt I feel today. I gave it a couple hours and did a few things to start easing what was actually a lot of anger this morning:
- reached out to 4 close friends to say what's going on, 3 of them alcoholics
- ate fruit and a croissant, which is a treat
- into my 4th episode of the current tv show I like, right now guest starring Taye Diggs which is a bonus
- planning to let my mom come take care of the dogs as planned, not avoiding her bc I am afraid I will be mean - rather, I can choose not to take it out on her
- getting my fave chicken sandwich for lunch, or something similar
- buying new lip gloss of the expensive type I like

Y'all get the idea. Today, not good emotionally for me - physically, yes.

Last note- to the visceral thing about being early and sharing. I'd say that is true- kind of. I have specific and very visceral memories of early suffering. And? I had a very scary and similar night a couple of weeks ago during this back surgery recovery. My body was indeed overcharged with the similarities and suffered thru 36 hours- nearly told my husband we needed to go to the ER bc some of my symptoms were so similar to early withdrawal wks.

Sometimes, that early stuff re-emerges in dreams. That's definitely visceral and shocking!

Keep going this time, Briansy. It is ALL worth it.

BackandScared

About a bottle of wine a day... It is a monstrous amount compared to what the vast majority of the population can handle. However, I could see how it was on the way to get much worse. I was starting to feel the withdrawals and very very close to pick up my first morning drinks. Somehow I could see where I was going and stopped.

It has been really difficult and at the same time extremely liberating. I was nowhere close to 'good' after one month of quitting. I have not been a drinker all my adult life. I did not really drink until I was 30. Then I had about 4 years of no drinking with pregnancies and breastfeeding. I am 46 now. I have drank for many years, but I do remember what 'normal' and 'not drinking' feels like. I am getting there now.

thisisme

I remember I was very sick. I remember I had to deal with life. It was very hard. I don't remember when it got better because it creeps along and continues to grow. It keeps getting better. It's glorious now.

August252015

This is REALLY good stuff BackandScared - highlighted a few things...I was the bottle a day...til yep, like you said, I got WAY worse. 2 or three bottles. Then the vodka for the final stretch. Morning drinking. Lots of other "bad" (ha) stuff. I'm so glad you realize that now.

And I was 39 when I quit, 43 now, so in our 40s in particular and as women, we are so much better off if we quit now - for every reason!!

Keep going - the 100s as I started calling them are great! And it does get less scary - and I've found better than being back to normal, a new and better one.

silentrun

That's pretty close to what happened to me. I started working afternoons in my 30s and got into the habit of having a few drinks a couple nights a week before heading home. Everyone was asleep so it didn't seem like that big of a deal. I think that's called "the adaptive phase". After I started working days again I was used to drinking as a way of rewarding myself and unwinding so I would have a few cocktails at night after everything was done. Then I switched to drinking in binges and would drink about 2-3 nights a week, then 3-4 and finally almost every night I would drink a pint of whiskey (that's all I bought because by that time I broke my off switch and knew it). When I started drinking nightly is when I slipped into the depression and caused the majority of the damage. Had I quit just 2 years earlier I would not understand what everyone is talking about when they talk about recovery.

In the words of Carrie Fisher, "things were getting worse faster than I could lower my standards."

Edit: I was about your age when I finally had enough, a month shy of 45.

Atlast9999

Ken33xx

Almost immediately after I stopped drinking I felt better in the morning. I was sleeping better and there were no hangovers.

It soon became apparent my drinking was a huge factor in why I felt so rundown during the day.

As far as my mental state: I was happy to have AA and it seem to be working. However, I also realized that I had made a mess of things. I got fired from a job the day after joining AA and was about to get sacked from another but fortunately didn't. But that was it. No more chances. I came to work smelling of booze and I was gone.

My girlfriend (later my wife) gave me another chance but she too had enough of my bullxxxx. Do something about my drinking or get out. (Actually I didn't have to leave... because she was already gone)

Next it took me good five years to get back on my feet financially.

ClarkGrizwold

Just keep going no matter WHAT!! One day at a time buddy. It does get easier for sure and keep coming back here and reading these posts as people on here will always reassure you that things are great being sober .

Briansy

This quote about going into a blind rage for no apparent reason is super helpful to me. As I guess this is the sort of "PAWS" type symptom that would typically precipitate my relapsing, giving up too early cos I convince myself I'm permamently damaged so eff it, may as well drown the crap out.

It's also generally very helpful to know that it is highly likely that a good portion of my mental health issues are probably directly related to my years of alcohol abuse and that time will go a long way to helping, in addition to other means of help on that front.

August252015

Re the mental health - I came to believe and act on the fact that the only way I was going to unravel and treat any mental illness and struggle I have is by being sober. Permanently. I've been diagnosed with a few things over my 30s and my drinking only grew over that time. It is actually absurd to think of the medications and therapists of all kinds that we spent money on, with truly no chance to help me to live my best life as long as I kept drinking.

I can't overemphasize this part. I believe mental illness is generally quite treatable and people can become the best functioning versions of themselves (which varies), with the right package.

abgator

This is what I have come to expect.

Unfortunately, sobriety means feeling every ounce of pain and discomfort, mentally and physically, we'd been burying with alcohol. I don't feel sluggish or nausea, but I do feel the frequent pain from permanent injuries I sustained in a car accident. I don't feel the anxiety and panic attacks I suffered at the hands of alcohol, but I feel the depression and loneliness I suppressed with alcohol.

In early sobriety like we are, the outlook can be bleak and it can really make you question whether or not sobriety is worth it. But I'm a better father and employee, infinitely more productive and active, and in much better shape when I'm sober, so it's worth the rest of the suffering I suppose lol.

Ken33xx

Originally Posted by Ghostlight1 View Post
Yep, what Sassy says.
I believe, sometimes, we have to accept sobriety as it's own reward.
And it is. Everything else is gravy.

I have a relative who spent a year in the jungle of Vietnam during the late 60's.

After he return to the U.S. he didn't do a lot Drifted from job to job. A few family members said it was a shame he never amounted to much but he he told my father just being alive was good enough for the longest time..

Now, I am certainly not equating alcoholism with what my cousin went through but I understand what he meant.

Because no matter how life suddenly spins me around/ slams me to the ground. My life is still much better off than when I was drinking.

If all I got today is the fact that I didn't pick up a drink. That my week or month has been rotten to the core.

Well, I still see this (not picking up a drink) as a strong plus.

Wholesome

I would say it was the three month mark where I started to notice the mental fog and obsession start to lift. 30 days, 3 months, 6 months, and 1 year, were big milestones for me.

I'm in my 3rd year and the recovery is still happening for me, although this year it's been emotional. I made peace with my past and faced myself.

I would suggest that you stop calling it relapsing and start calling it what it is - drinking. I think calling it a relapse makes seem like something benign and out of your control, when it's not.

When I quit, I decided I was sticking with it no matter what happened, even if I quit and it didn't get better.

August252015

Ken - I actually feel the Vietnam analogy is very apt. Many people in my family were unsure my father (USMA 67, Special Forces, decorated) would survive my mom's alcoholism despite what he had done in the war. Based on this perspective - acknowledgment of my war, and what I saw in both my parents stories- I have sometimes thought of my disease (active) as my own personal Vietnam.

And the sobriety is its own reward perspective? Helps me remember that in one way we are like everyone else: life is good, bad, awful, painful, beautiful....for us just like "them." And that has to be a good thing that we accept.

Briansy

I really feel that this thread will be helpful to me for the following reason: I feel it will keep me a little bit grounded and ensure my expectations remain low - a good day being to do my best, to not drink and to not worry about trying to make everything perfect. Wanting too much too fast has been a killer for me.

BackandScared

Thank you for your kind words August. While I was keeping my average at 1 bottle a day, the speed at which my alcohol problem was advancing was growing very fast.

It took me many, many years to abuse alcohol in any shape or form. I was about 14 when I had a first drink, and never thought about drinking unless an important social event was on before i was 30. Motherhood put a break to what (in hindsight) became more habitual drinking since I had a drinking partner (my husband) and I started drinking with him at home almost daily.

Then I started the solo drinking. Because I was never surrounded by people drinking much I never thought this was normal. But by the time I stopped I knew that I coud have 2 bottles or more a day if I did not 'moderate' myself. I was very close to the all day drinking and I knew it. There is very small difference between one addict and another. The descent is quite steep when you get to the addiction level.

I am very happy you saw the light before your 40s when your body was still quite young and able to recover.

Every day sober is worth so many days drinking. Briansy, I hope you get to feel really good alcohol free many many times .

NYCDoglvr

In AA I got tools to help endure feeling lousy and without the support of other alcoholics couldn't have stayed sober. When we put down alcohol we must change attitudes and make changes in our life.

cruiser1911

for me there is/ was underlying issues. at the at the 3 month mark I would be talking to a client and just start bawling (not good for business lol a 280 lbs guy does NOT cry in front of clients) at 6 months felt clear but was on an emotional rollercoaster still. At a year I could go in and pick up a bottle for my wife and think o that looks good and go no farther. Im at 2 years and finally went to a doctor for my anxiety and ADD. but I can look at booze, smell it, and I think that looks good and walk away, kind of like cheesecake, or an old dangerous flame. life is good.