ttamelbon

Hello,

Five years ago, I quit drinking cold turkey after 20 years. I had been a binge drinker for the last 7 years, but almost every day before that. This is called "kindling" where you quit over and over again, basically.

Anyway, I had the worst case of PAWS for two years. The symptoms were crazy and most alcoholics in recovery could not relate because they were so severe: fevers of 40 degrees for 1 hour, food sensitivities, fears of being poisoned, crying jags, frequent urination, speaking problems, etc. The list is long.

Anyway, after three years sober, I thought I'd give responsible drinking a try because being an idiot is a little hobby of mine. But I did drink responsibly. No doctor would bat an eye at how much I drank, though I could get an all-day hangover from two glasses of wine. But I did it anyway, for two years. Drinking responsibly.

Then I had a bad time and drank 6 drinks two Saturdays in a row (yes, a week apart with nothing in between). Two days later, it began with tremors which lead to a weaving head kind of motion, then an inability to walk properly or grip things well. My head rocked back and forth and an imminent feeling of doom crawled through my body and my arms felt like I was being electrocuted. As my wife drove me to the hospital, all I could say was "Something bad is going to happen" repetitively.

I had held onto a few tranquilizers I had from years before for a fear of flying. I never took one during recovery. They were a last resort. But I ate one. This attack persisted for 40 minutes. All blood tests came back normal.

I took high doses of valium for a week, but tapered off very quickly. They are evil monsters, and I didn't want to be addicted to anything. I got down to 2mg and wound up back in the hospital. I was reinstated at 8mg, cutting a mg per week. I made it down to 4mg.

Now I'm in living purgatory. I can't eat, I can't sleep, and my anxiety is so bad that I've barely left home for three days. I wasn't even this bad recovering from the booze. Now I have to micro-taper these evil little pills for months, and who knows what will become of my job, my parenting, and my future?

I'm 54 days dry, now hooked on benzos. Because I wanted to drink "responsibly".

Learn from me.

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear that you had to go through all that tamelbon. Drinking is never a good idea for us in any amount, your story is a pretty stark reminder of that. I hope you can find a way to get off the Benzo's soon - they are indeed alcohol in a pill form for the most part.

Dee74

I'm sorry to read this ttambelbon. I really hope the weaning off the benzoes goes smoothly for you - are you working with a doctor to help you do that?.

D

Outonthetiles

We're dealing with a deadly substance. Alcohol is very deceptive and it's just something you can't play around with. Moderation is false hope; it just prolongs the process of quitting completely, and I think for some people, if they start and stop too many times, it just becomes impossible to stop and they just never come back.

D122y

Tt,

Thanks for saving my life and the life of anyone thinking they might try to moderate again.

Your story is the first like this I have read here in a long time...if ever.

As my clean days rack up the thought of trying to get a drink seems to come easier and more often.

I preach here I will never drink again, but sometimes I think...maybe when I retire...or maybe when I vacation somewhere and have some time to...test the water.

You remind me that the brain damage from booze is permanent. I had to learn to live with what I have left. After a long while now I have gotten used to what i have left of my brain and have begun to feel normal.

The...hangovers...I used to get from drinking lasted longer and longer...sort of exponentially. My brain is not normal any more. It is damaged much more easily.

The next...hangover....may take 8 years to normalize since I just started feeling pretty good recently.

Also....I still don't feel perfect though and i feel healing still. Your description of the anxiety, not walking right, weaving head etc. was terrifying.

I totally relate. This is the brain damage that I remember feeling. This has all mostly faded for me since I have been clean. It will be my destiny if i relapse.

You deserve some devine help for reaching out here to try and save me and others from your fate.

Thanks for being an angel on earth.

Prayers for a speedy recovery and that you never suffer like that again.

Thanks.

eve123

ttamelbon

Thanks for the well wishes, everyone!

I'm happy to say that I'm seeing a ray of sunshine right now. I went back to work after a two-day absence, had a laugh with my students, my little girl lost her third tooth so we shared some ice cream and talked about the Tooth Fairy's visit tonight. The weather was just right and will soon be a lost memory when Japan's brutal summer hits. I usually cook, but my wife is making sukiyaki tonight. It was a day that I feel happy to fight for.

Dee: Thank you! Yes, I have a surprisingly progressive local psychiatrist that is very cool about me moving at my own pace. It'll take about four months to come off, then whatever healing after that. I'm constantly trying to wean too fast, and he and my wife remind me that it's a marathon, not a race.

Di22y: I'm glad if my story helped to stay away from the drink. I ran my little experiment so you don't have to. Even now, I think of how the diagnosis of terminal cancer is the only condition under which I would drink again. For a recalcitrant alcoholic, even a tumor has a silver lining. It's amazing how it infects us and our thoughts.

This place has helped me in the past, so if I can reach back and remove some stones from the road, I'm happy to do so.

Cheers,


Matt

Dropsie

Matt,

I can only second what others have said -- thank you, thank you, thank you.

And I was so happy you had a little light at the end of the tunnel.

You deserve it.

dsmaxis10

So sorry you went through that and still got a battle ahead to deal with. Don't get down on yourself benzo withdrawal is serious it hits the same receptors as alcohol and unfortunetly you can get Paws from it. I hope you don't . Congratulations on 54 days Matt . Your psychiatrist is right four months that's a great plan to get off benzos .

August252015

Hi Matt- glad you shared. I've shared my experience many times around here and my story is very close to yours. I too quit cold turkey from what had become a 24/7 amount of vodka in my body- went thru PAWS in the extreme for about the same amount of time and I too am 3 and change yrs sober.

I know I will die if I drink again, and I also take benzos for my anxiety. Not everyone includes that in their sober journey for sure. I do like the reminder- it has been on my mind of late with increased and slightly different manifestations of my anxiety, which is why I take the med- of being careful. My psych and I have a very close relationship too. I'm glad you have good care.

I personally don't believe horror stories work- I lived my own and they didn't stop me. I do hope anyone who will be helped by your story will indeed listen. We've got several folks piping up around here right now who are in dire straits and I hope will make the life and death choice I did- and that you are fortunate to have had a chance to make twice.

Best to you.

Dee74

All the best ,Matt

D

biminiblue

ttamelbon, you have a wonderful way with words. I really hope you keep posting. Like D122y says, you could be saving a life.

I often link the NIH article on Kindling here, it's a very scary thing.

I've been on benzos before, for a few years actually and I believe they are part of the reason I started back drinking after many years sober. I got off the benzos (and all my depression/anxiety meds) and I'm very glad I did. It is a blessing to be able to face life on life's terms, the way I was Created. Not always easy, but a blessing.

I send you many healing thoughts. You've got this.

Ghostlight1

I'm with August. Horror stories never did anything to slow me down, and my own is much worse than yours.
I, too, am on benzo's. Generalized anxiety disorder. Have never once abused them.
I'm ultra careful with them, they allow me to function in a meaningful way.
I look at them as a necessary evil. Never have drank on them, but I've been sober over ten years and have been taking them for five.
But, I ramble. Thanks for your post and congratulations on your fifty four days sober, that's awesome.
Best to you.

ttamelbon

Thanks Ghostlight and August,

My thinking is kind of like Pascal's Wager: maybe some people will be vicariously fearful enough to continue abstaining, and those who are determined to learn their own lessons are no worse off than before.

For me, the equation is that the only possible loss would be my time writing it, and for others it's either only positive or benign.

I do agree that many people cannot be dissuaded, though.

Cheers

WeThinkNot

This is the part that sent a chill down my spine.

Before sobriety I was not aware that kindling existed. I've had two relapses on my journey and had the misfortune of experiencing it first hand. The morning after my second relapse I was in excruciating pain. Without knowing what kindling was about all I knew was that somehow this pain was even worse than the last time I had gotten drunk three months earlier. I think this was the first time when it truly dawned on me that I was not going to live very much longer at the rate I was going.

Now that I know what kindling is there is a slightly morbid curiosity about what would happen to me if I started drinking again. Reading this is the closest I want to get.

Thanks for sharing and I hope you continue with your recovery.

MindfulMan

Benzos for me are like alcohol on steroids as far as PAWS and withdrawal. Glad you are doing your taper with a doctor that understands it must be slow. My doc switched me from klonopin to ativan and did a 3 day taper! I had the WORST withdrawal I've ever had (my later and final withdrawal was done with a medically supervised valium taper, so it wasn't so bad).

You can get through this, and yes it takes a long time.

You're probably already aware of the Ashton Method, but if not it was very helpful to me in my taper, and hopefully your supervising doctor is aware of it as well.

https://benzo.org.uk/manual/

ttamelbon

Hi MindfulMan,

Thanks for the feedback! How long were you on benzos?

Yeah, I've read the Ashton Manual front to back. I thought because I was only on benzos for less than a month that I could cruise off them, but I guess if my GABA was like a normal person, I wouldn't have wound up in the hospital in the first place.

I'm 31mg down from the day of my convulsion/tremor, and halfway down from my 8mg reinstatement. It was such a cakewalk for the first 4mg, that I really thought it was going to be a breeze. What a rude reality to wake up to that it won't be.

I'm going to do a DLMT (Daily Liquid Micro Taper) after I stabilize. My plan is basically four months until jump, but who knows?

It might be longer, but I doubt it'll be any quicker (lol).

ThatWasTheOldMe

That's terrible. I'm sorry to hear about that

Benzos are nasty. All they ever did for me was prevent withdrawals in a controlled environment and make me sleepy. I never got any sort of high or escape out of them; at least that I noticed. But the potential for physical dependence is severe due to their mechanism of action. I feel for you and hope you can make it out of your situation

I'm 3 weeks sober from booze today. My last relapse, I was in detox and didn't have to experience the worst of the alcohol withdrawal symptoms I've had in the past because they sent me with ativan. I just had all the depression, self-loathing, suicidal ideation, etc - so it wasn't a picnic. I have some of those symptoms without alcohol withdrawal anyway though.

stillpooh19

ttamelbon,

YOU my friend were my light in a very dark place when I was in PAWS. When I read your post on PAWS, one anxiety was lifted, I was not alone. I gained encouragement from you to know I could make it through and that I wasn't imagining things. You also provided me information on another support forum that was VITAL to my recovery. I hate that you are going through this, but know this, you do deserve some DIVINE support for a speedy recovery.

August252015

ttamelbom - how are you doing?