I wish I could turn the clock back
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 132
I wish I could turn the clock back
I'm after some advice or suggestions please.
I'm very early days on this sober journey, day 9 today and am feeling so much remorse and regret over my actions over the last decade particularly for my 3 kids. They've seen me drunk, my husband drunk, my parents drunk. They've been surrounded by drinking. I really want to sit down with them and apologise and talk to them about it, about addiction, but I'm so scared if I relapse I'll lose their trust forever. Should I just let my actions speak for themselves by not drinking. Obviously I have no intentions of relapsing but who does. My children are now 12, 17 and 19 and they are amazing humans. Thoughts?
I'm very early days on this sober journey, day 9 today and am feeling so much remorse and regret over my actions over the last decade particularly for my 3 kids. They've seen me drunk, my husband drunk, my parents drunk. They've been surrounded by drinking. I really want to sit down with them and apologise and talk to them about it, about addiction, but I'm so scared if I relapse I'll lose their trust forever. Should I just let my actions speak for themselves by not drinking. Obviously I have no intentions of relapsing but who does. My children are now 12, 17 and 19 and they are amazing humans. Thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Talk is cheap, anybody can do it. Actions speak volumes.
If a person tells me about about their recovery, I will probably learn a bit about recovery. If a person shows me about their recovery, my knowledge about recovery will grow. If a person involves me in their recovery, the sky is the limit!
If a person tells me about about their recovery, I will probably learn a bit about recovery. If a person shows me about their recovery, my knowledge about recovery will grow. If a person involves me in their recovery, the sky is the limit!
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,620
In my experience, it is a bit of both. Our actions provide a clear indication that we have changed up to a point, but without an attempt to assess, acknowledge and repair the damage we have done (make amends) we could be leaving a lot of damge unresolved behind us.
When I made amends to my ex, I thought I had done some harm, but had no idea of the extent. When I sat down to talk with her and her family, I realised it was much worse than I thought. For one thing she had thought my behaviour was her fault, that there was something wrong with her. To some extent the family thought the same way and this had damaged her relationship with her family, and her confidence in future relationships. There was a tremendous amount of healing when they realised that none of that was true. She went on to marry a nice man and have a lovely normal life.
However, a good deal of preparation is required if we want to make amends. Usually there have been a lot of broken promises in the past, and the family"s reaction may be less than positive. We need to be prepared for that.
As to the need, this little passage from the big book somes it up quite well:
" We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?"
When I made amends to my ex, I thought I had done some harm, but had no idea of the extent. When I sat down to talk with her and her family, I realised it was much worse than I thought. For one thing she had thought my behaviour was her fault, that there was something wrong with her. To some extent the family thought the same way and this had damaged her relationship with her family, and her confidence in future relationships. There was a tremendous amount of healing when they realised that none of that was true. She went on to marry a nice man and have a lovely normal life.
However, a good deal of preparation is required if we want to make amends. Usually there have been a lot of broken promises in the past, and the family"s reaction may be less than positive. We need to be prepared for that.
As to the need, this little passage from the big book somes it up quite well:
" We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?"
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by Bathbomb 
I'm after some advice or suggestions please.
I'm very early days on this sober journey, day 9 today and am feeling so much remorse and regret over my actions over the last decade particularly for my 3 kids. They've seen me drunk, my husband drunk, my parents drunk. They've been surrounded by drinking. I really want to sit down with them and apologise and talk to them about it, about addiction, but I'm so scared if I relapse I'll lose their trust forever. Should I just let my actions speak for themselves by not drinking. Obviously I have no intentions of relapsing but who does. My children are now 12, 17 and 19 and they are amazing humans. Thoughts?
I'm very early days on this sober journey, day 9 today and am feeling so much remorse and regret over my actions over the last decade particularly for my 3 kids. They've seen me drunk, my husband drunk, my parents drunk. They've been surrounded by drinking. I really want to sit down with them and apologise and talk to them about it, about addiction, but I'm so scared if I relapse I'll lose their trust forever. Should I just let my actions speak for themselves by not drinking. Obviously I have no intentions of relapsing but who does. My children are now 12, 17 and 19 and they are amazing humans. Thoughts?
Still incredibly worth it.
I don’t look back. I find joy in what I’ve done. I am closer than ever with my daughters. I told them I’d never drink again, why wouldn’t I? That was the plan then, that is the plan now.
Never forget: shame is a drinking emotion. Shake off the shame like you do the cravings. What’s done is done. Yep, we’ve screwed up and done damage, and it’s clear to me from time to time when I see it: “oh damn, that was another casualty I see...”. But I find relief and joy that it’s all in my past.
There is no other action to remedy the damage that’s already done other than permanent sobriety. As long as you are permanently sober, you have no need to feel shame. You are doing what’s needed. No shame.
I think rational recovery with its “I will never drink again” belief system works well to eliminate shame. With one day at a time, the future is uncertain, so shame can live, because you are never sure you won’t pick up again. And that is the shameful part.
What I believe, and how I frame my permanent sobriety, is that I will never drink again, and I will never change my mind, no matter what happens. Shame, regret and guilt over drinking have no place in a life with no drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 132
Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences.
I will talk to them one day as I agree with you Gottalife that I need to acknowledge what I've done. I think I'll know when the time is right. It certainly won't be any time soon though. I wouldn't take me seriously either if I dared have that conversation now to be honest. There's no going back from that first broken promise. Thank you again everyone. For now my actions will speak for themselves.
I will talk to them one day as I agree with you Gottalife that I need to acknowledge what I've done. I think I'll know when the time is right. It certainly won't be any time soon though. I wouldn't take me seriously either if I dared have that conversation now to be honest. There's no going back from that first broken promise. Thank you again everyone. For now my actions will speak for themselves.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,244
yes, what you say in your last post is what i would suggest.
my children were adults when i quit (how great you didn’t carry on that long) and never really knew the extent of my drinking, but when after a few months sober i had “the conversation” and invited ongoing questions if they so chose, i did get more knowledge of the effect my withdrawal from their lives had had.
i had good advice from an AA person how to have that conversation, even though i was not at all interested in being part of AA or using “the program” at that time.
it served me well.
what are you planning to do so that the “if i relapse” does not come to pass?
and welcome to SR and way to go on nine days!
my children were adults when i quit (how great you didn’t carry on that long) and never really knew the extent of my drinking, but when after a few months sober i had “the conversation” and invited ongoing questions if they so chose, i did get more knowledge of the effect my withdrawal from their lives had had.
i had good advice from an AA person how to have that conversation, even though i was not at all interested in being part of AA or using “the program” at that time.
it served me well.
what are you planning to do so that the “if i relapse” does not come to pass?
and welcome to SR and way to go on nine days!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 132
Originally Posted by fini
yes, what you say in your last post is what i would suggest.
my children were adults when i quit (how great you didn’t carry on that long) and never really knew the extent of my drinking, but when after a few months sober i had “the conversation” and invited ongoing questions if they so chose, i did get more knowledge of the effect my withdrawal from their lives had had.
i had good advice from an AA person how to have that conversation, even though i was not at all interested in being part of AA or using “the program” at that time.
it served me well.
what are you planning to do so that the “if i relapse” does not come to pass?
and welcome to SR and way to go on nine days!
my children were adults when i quit (how great you didn’t carry on that long) and never really knew the extent of my drinking, but when after a few months sober i had “the conversation” and invited ongoing questions if they so chose, i did get more knowledge of the effect my withdrawal from their lives had had.
i had good advice from an AA person how to have that conversation, even though i was not at all interested in being part of AA or using “the program” at that time.
it served me well.
what are you planning to do so that the “if i relapse” does not come to pass?
and welcome to SR and way to go on nine days!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
T.I.M.E= Things i Must Earn.
i couldnt earn the faith of others in a week or 2 without a drink.
2012 my niece and her hubands bought a house and asked if i could come and refinish the wood floors before they moved in. at one time my family wouldnt ask me to change a light bulb!
after 3 days of work we were breaking in the backyard with its first bar b q. most of my family was there. somehow talk got to drunken uncle tom antics. lots of laughs and i even shared some things my family didnt know i did.
then my niece asked,"uncle tom-how long have you been sober?"
"its been 8 years now."
"im glad you got sober because i like you this way and if you didnt get sober you wouldnt be here."
that comment took 8 years of action.
i couldnt earn the faith of others in a week or 2 without a drink.
2012 my niece and her hubands bought a house and asked if i could come and refinish the wood floors before they moved in. at one time my family wouldnt ask me to change a light bulb!
after 3 days of work we were breaking in the backyard with its first bar b q. most of my family was there. somehow talk got to drunken uncle tom antics. lots of laughs and i even shared some things my family didnt know i did.
then my niece asked,"uncle tom-how long have you been sober?"
"its been 8 years now."
"im glad you got sober because i like you this way and if you didnt get sober you wouldnt be here."
that comment took 8 years of action.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 132
Thank you all so much for your thoughts it really does mean alot to me.
I agree unless they come to me I will just continue not drinking and be the mum I used to be.
Last night 2 of my 3 kids (the other was out with his gf) were helping me prepare dinner, we were chatting and laughing it was so lovely. Usually the kids would be in their bedrooms and I'd be on the lounge drinking my 'well deserved' wine. Day 10 and already the atmosphere is changing. There is no way I'm going back to my old ways this is too much fun.
Thank you SR friends.
I agree unless they come to me I will just continue not drinking and be the mum I used to be.
Last night 2 of my 3 kids (the other was out with his gf) were helping me prepare dinner, we were chatting and laughing it was so lovely. Usually the kids would be in their bedrooms and I'd be on the lounge drinking my 'well deserved' wine. Day 10 and already the atmosphere is changing. There is no way I'm going back to my old ways this is too much fun.
Thank you SR friends.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 132
Originally Posted by least
Get rid of the shame. It does no good. You can't go back into the past but you can start a new future now. 
PS. I started my gratitude list.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
BB,
My experience was that the more I thought about it, the harder it became.
The more I could taken it as read that I don't drink and never will and not think about it, past or present, the easier it was.
I once read a book called Eating Drinking Overthinking, which made me realize that I was definitely overthinking and underdoing. My mother used to tell me all the time not to dwell, which was great advice that I didn't take then, but try to put to use now.
Great job on 10 days. It took me a lot longer to realize the simple joys of making dinner with my kids, you must me doing something right!!
My experience was that the more I thought about it, the harder it became.
The more I could taken it as read that I don't drink and never will and not think about it, past or present, the easier it was.
I once read a book called Eating Drinking Overthinking, which made me realize that I was definitely overthinking and underdoing. My mother used to tell me all the time not to dwell, which was great advice that I didn't take then, but try to put to use now.
Great job on 10 days. It took me a lot longer to realize the simple joys of making dinner with my kids, you must me doing something right!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Dublin, Ireland.
Posts: 739
I carry that anxiety that my daughter (12 years) will be damaged from seeing me drunk. The drunk in me wants to fix it but I can't. The thing she gets most from me now, is knowing she can depend on me.
We've had conversations, started mostly by me but the only way I can convince her she can trust me is to be trustworthy.
10 days, eh?
That's pretty great. And the good news is, it gets better.
We've had conversations, started mostly by me but the only way I can convince her she can trust me is to be trustworthy.
10 days, eh?
That's pretty great. And the good news is, it gets better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 132
Originally Posted by Dropsie
BB,
My experience was that the more I thought about it, the harder it became.
The more I could taken it as read that I don't drink and never will and not think about it, past or present, the easier it was.
I once read a book called Eating Drinking Overthinking, which made me realize that I was definitely overthinking and underdoing. My mother used to tell me all the time not to dwell, which was great advice that I didn't take then, but try to put to use now.
Great job on 10 days. It took me a lot longer to realize the simple joys of making dinner with my kids, you must me doing something right!!
My experience was that the more I thought about it, the harder it became.
The more I could taken it as read that I don't drink and never will and not think about it, past or present, the easier it was.
I once read a book called Eating Drinking Overthinking, which made me realize that I was definitely overthinking and underdoing. My mother used to tell me all the time not to dwell, which was great advice that I didn't take then, but try to put to use now.
Great job on 10 days. It took me a lot longer to realize the simple joys of making dinner with my kids, you must me doing something right!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 132
Originally Posted by RecklessEric
I carry that anxiety that my daughter (12 years) will be damaged from seeing me drunk. The drunk in me wants to fix it but I can't. The thing she gets most from me now, is knowing she can depend on me.
We've had conversations, started mostly by me but the only way I can convince her she can trust me is to be trustworthy.
10 days, eh?
That's pretty great. And the good news is, it gets better.
We've had conversations, started mostly by me but the only way I can convince her she can trust me is to be trustworthy.
10 days, eh?
That's pretty great. And the good news is, it gets better.
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