etd

I'm pretty sure I know the answer to this but I wanted to get other's opinion. I just picked up my 2 year chip in AA and have abstained from alcohol during this time. However, in the summer I took some Xanax that was not prescribed to me. I did not get high, just used it to help with anxiety. I do have a history of benzo addiction, as well. In addition, I took more gabapentin and ambien than prescribed to help with insomnia and anxiety. The latter I discussed with my sponsor and she did not think it warranted a new sobriety date. I did not tell her about the Xanax. All of this to say, I feel like a fraud. I want to start over but I am afraid what others will think of me given that a.) I just picked up a 2 year chip and b.) the catalyst for starting this journey two years ago was a horrific accident- I am afraid I will disappoint my family if they find out. Anyway, this is a long way to ask, would you consider this a relapse?

ScottFromWI

I am pretty sure you know the answer too ;-)

In all seriousness though, only you can really know the answer anyway. Don't worry about what other people will think - worry about being honest with yourself first and foremost.

suki44883

Complete honesty, especially with ourselves is paramount. I, too, believe you know the answer, but, in my opinion, there is no difference between a slip and a relapse. If you purposely take a drink or abuse medication, that is a relapse in my book.

MantaLady

I’ll echo what Suki said. Be honest with your sponsor but I wouldn’t necessarily see it as mandatory to tell anyone outside of AA. It’s obvious that it is eating away at you and probably causing some of your anxiety. xx

PeacefulWater12

I think what matters is what we think about ourselves. Our own integrity.

What do you think is the right thing to do? The action that would sit best within your self respect.

Stayingsassy

In the summer you took some Xanax? August was 7 months ago. You haven’t taken anything since?

I don’t see how this woke up your addiction. I recommend looking at the big picture here.

Is it possible you needed something for anxiety and that was your only way to relieve it at that time? Plenty of people take benzos for anxiety and consider themselves sober.

I think if your sobriety is under control, then this is causing unnecessary anxiety for you. If you are not using or craving, then you’re in a good place.

But I don’t do programs, so....I do count my sobriety days however, so I understand wanting a clean slate. But I will reiterate that it’s the strength of your sobriety now that matters.

NYCDoglvr

If I took mood-altering meds that weren't prescribed I'd change my day count. I think others in recovery will be impressed with your desire to stay sober by coming clean. Trust me, no one will think worse of you.

August252015

Honesty with myself is most important; then with others. I take prescribed meds and have never taken anything not prescribed specifically for me, during my sobriety. I take as needed ativan for anxiety. Have I ever taken the 3 a day in the prescribed 1-3? Yep. Would it have been possible in retrospect to think maybe I didn't need to or could have used other tools? Yep. It's not a perfect science and I probably drive myself a little crazy (ha) analyzing why I do or don't take my meds.

Have I ever taken more than 3 in a day? Yep. And told my psych. We have kept me on the same rx for three years now and at my initiation, my husband is in on which of my meds is the benzo, ie the one I need to be diligent about, and it's just how it works for me.

Am I sober? Yep.

For me, if I get a little wiggly feeling in my stomach about how or why I am taking this med- or, now, the short rx for muscle relaxants I have as back surgery is likely pending- then I know I need to stop and regroup before I take them. I have to think about WHY I am taking them.

All of this stuff is material I have discussed along the way with my dr, sponsor(s) and husband - not at a "later date" like you mention, after the fact if you will.

And leaving stuff out like you mention would be a bad thing for me, too - def causing me the kind of anxiety MantaLady brings up when it kept eating at me.

It's up to you what you do or consider - but I'd suggest that it's about you not what other people think. It's your sobriety.

etd

MindfulMan

I think you're walking a fine line here. You have had benzo addiction. Xanax is fiercely addictive. You were taking it for its prescribed use, which is anxiety, more specifically panic attacks, for which it's very effective.

If you're in a doctor's care and you didn't tell him/her about your symptoms and request medication that way, it's a red flag to me.

I don't do AA either, so it doesn't matter to me. Last year at Coachella I made it OK if I wanted to take molly, as it wasn't my DOC and isn't particularly addictive, it was always a once a year kinda thing. I decided not to for various reasons. This year I don't think I'm allowing the possibility again.

Stayingsassy

I’m glad your regimen is stable and your addiction is not in charge. Sounds like a good plan.

Grungehead

I know the thought of "erasing" 2 years of sobriety over this is probably weighing on your mind as well, but I'm living proof that taking medications not prescribed to you can lead you to a full blown relapse on alcohol. I had heart surgery in 2004 and had some complications with my sternum which required another surgery 6 months after the initial surgery. I was on opiates most of this time and started abusing them, then after the problem was corrected with the 2nd surgery I kept taking them by getting them from other means. I had 7 years of sobriety when this happened and ended up relapsing on alcohol for 8 years and it nearly killed me.

BullDog777

I think you really need to weigh the damage "starting over" with a new date could do to you.

For whatever reason, we tend to measure success by days, minutes, hours, blah blah blah....You have to measure if this is going to drop you so low you don't make the mistake that you're already at week 1 again-- so what's one drink really gonna hurt at this point?... I'm already starting over.

Don't fall for that.

I agree with Sassy 100%.. strength over anything else is what matters right now. If this brutal honesty really means that much to you...when you have 5 years-claim 3 and call yourself honest. Even at 2 years, my head was still playing games with me.

I don't think going backwards at this point is going to be a good thing.

wiscsober

AA isn't there to be a line judge...better markers of sobriety are our actions in the program....are you working the steps...helping others....living a new way of life?

etd

Stayingsassy

My advice would be different if this person had repeated episodes with the benzos, was plotting how to get them from friends, feeling stuck, and craving.

Anyone who is on benzodiazepines long term, whether prescribed or not; has some form of dependence on them, and if wanting to stop, would need to have a program to taper them down. Especially long term Xanax use. Benzos also take 72 hours to clear from the acute stage, like alcohol does.

If the OP took Ativan once or twice, and then left it alone for 7 months I would wager it wasn’t recreational use, and it also wasn’t a medication this person was physically dependent on.

But, I was not a pill popper, so I don’t get the pull of pills or the need to take them, so maybe I don’t understand pill addiction like i do alcohol addiction. You can bet if I drank in August, even one beer, I’d reset my date. If I took Xanax, I wouldn’t think anything of it, and it wouldn’t even occur to me that I needed to consider that a slip.

Hats

I can relate to this topic as I have experienced it a few times and after discussion with people in recovery it seems like slip and relapse are different to each individual. My understanding of it, a slip is a single unplanned use of alcohol or drugs you did ONE time, gave you a wake up call and a kick in the ace and you didn't continue with it. Relapse is planned , intentional and you made the decision even before you took that 1st drink, and you continued to drink/drug.
An example of my experience, was at a work on a Friday, all the co workers were drinking out back end of day and I was in my office. Went out back to bring out some paper work with no intentions of drinking and started to mingle (everyone knows at work I dont drink), but took 4 SIPS of a alcholic beverage and said "WTF" am I doing, no I'm outta here. Thats how tricky alcohol can be and it was a good kick in the ace as I know where it would have taken me if I kept going..
Just my thoughts.

hellrzr

You lied to your sponsor about what drugs you actually took. I think that tells the entire story right there. You know you relapsed. Sounds like you are now many months sober again though and back on track and that is great!!! I would change my date because it would eat me up to know I was not being honest with myself or others in the program. A big part of AA is helping others and how could I do that if I couldn't be honest with myself. But the truly important part is that you are on the path again and will not relapse in the future.

By the way, you slip on ice not on sobriety. A relapse is a relapse no matter what color lip stick you put on it.

Zevin

Interesting subject, etd. Thanks for bringing it up.

Stayingsassy

Here’s a weird thing: I took an allergy pill the other day because my spring allergies were making me crazy. Cetirizine maybe? A non drowsy otc type. 1/2 hour later, I was woozy, stumbling, slurring and felt incredibly impaired. We were headed for Trader Joe’s. I told my 22 year old that it felt like I’d slammed whiskey and either we needed to put off the trip, or she needed to drive. She drove there and I had “sobered up” enough afterward to drive home.

Pills. Is Claritin a drug of abuse, cause it sure felt like it was! I know now not to take it if I have to go shopping.