Blackout ramifications, a long time later.
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Blackout ramifications, a long time later.
Looking for advice or words of wisdom here.
As most of you know, my father recently died. We are having his memorial in April.
During my drinking, in a gin fueled rampage, I decimated a 40 year friendship with a childhood friend. She never forgave me, didn’t give me another chance, and simply said “it’s unfortunate, but our lifelong friendship is over.”
Of course, I had numerous other extremely regretful occasions that caused me to ultimately quit drinking forever.
When she finished things, I dropped it. I simply let her go. I explained to our other friends that I was not longer friends with her and why, that it was a direct result of my alcoholism, and my inability to respect others or remain sane when I am drinking, that I had apologized but the damage was done. They had seen all the changes on Facebook and had a lot of questions so I let them all know.
Fast forward: this woman who ended the friendship is actually quite close with my mother still. My mother felt kind of like she was being disloyal by being friends with her, but she said she liked her, so I told my mom that just because I am no longer friends with her, it doesn’t mean she can’t be: I mean really? It’s not high school.
However, my mom has given a heartfelt invitation to this woman to the memorial. I have to say I’m freaked out. This woman and I have mutual friends coming, some of these friends are very close to me, they also really like her, it’s just going to be crazy awkward. I am stressed just imagining what this event will be like.
Will this woman completely ignore me? Should I give another apology with some context? Should I leave her alone? Christ this has brought up so much past alcoholic trauma. I am realizing that we can’t just wipe away the egregious things we’ve done in the past because of our drinking, every now and then...life just wants to remind you what a grade A azzhole you used to be.
I’m supposed to be honoring my father and all I can think about is bad feelings with memorial guests and keeping my tail between my legs through the whole thing.
Folks, if you haven’t gotten sober yet, please do before you end up (I’ll use my new favorite phrase) inflicting yourself on the people you are supppsed to care about. You can and will do and say things you just can’t take back.
Thanks for listening to me, anyway.
As most of you know, my father recently died. We are having his memorial in April.
During my drinking, in a gin fueled rampage, I decimated a 40 year friendship with a childhood friend. She never forgave me, didn’t give me another chance, and simply said “it’s unfortunate, but our lifelong friendship is over.”
Of course, I had numerous other extremely regretful occasions that caused me to ultimately quit drinking forever.
When she finished things, I dropped it. I simply let her go. I explained to our other friends that I was not longer friends with her and why, that it was a direct result of my alcoholism, and my inability to respect others or remain sane when I am drinking, that I had apologized but the damage was done. They had seen all the changes on Facebook and had a lot of questions so I let them all know.
Fast forward: this woman who ended the friendship is actually quite close with my mother still. My mother felt kind of like she was being disloyal by being friends with her, but she said she liked her, so I told my mom that just because I am no longer friends with her, it doesn’t mean she can’t be: I mean really? It’s not high school.
However, my mom has given a heartfelt invitation to this woman to the memorial. I have to say I’m freaked out. This woman and I have mutual friends coming, some of these friends are very close to me, they also really like her, it’s just going to be crazy awkward. I am stressed just imagining what this event will be like.
Will this woman completely ignore me? Should I give another apology with some context? Should I leave her alone? Christ this has brought up so much past alcoholic trauma. I am realizing that we can’t just wipe away the egregious things we’ve done in the past because of our drinking, every now and then...life just wants to remind you what a grade A azzhole you used to be.
I’m supposed to be honoring my father and all I can think about is bad feelings with memorial guests and keeping my tail between my legs through the whole thing.
Folks, if you haven’t gotten sober yet, please do before you end up (I’ll use my new favorite phrase) inflicting yourself on the people you are supppsed to care about. You can and will do and say things you just can’t take back.
Thanks for listening to me, anyway.
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((Stayingsassy)) I went through something very similar at my Dad's funeral. You're sober now, hold your head up and greet your friend as you would any other guest. You've apologized from your heart, no need to walk around in shame. If your friend wants to engage with you, she will ... if not, well that's okay too. We have to accept some people will not forgive us. Hurtful, yes, I understand, but this service is about your Father. Maybe keep that thought front and center.
If your friend does forgive you and wants to talk, then arrange a date and time other than this service.
Hope this helps a little.
My deepest condolences.
If your friend does forgive you and wants to talk, then arrange a date and time other than this service.
Hope this helps a little.
My deepest condolences.
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Originally Posted by Opivotal 
((Stayingsassy)) I went through something very similar at my Dad's funeral. You're sober now, hold your head up and greet your friend as you would any other guest. You've apologized from your heart, no need to walk around in shame. If your friend wants to engage with you, she will ... if not, well that's okay too. We have to accept some people will not forgive us. Hurtful, yes, I understand, but this service is about your Father. Maybe keep that thought front and center.
If your friend does forgive you and wants to talk, then arrange a date and time other than this service.
Hope this helps a little.
My deepest condolences.
If your friend does forgive you and wants to talk, then arrange a date and time other than this service.
Hope this helps a little.
My deepest condolences.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Sassy,
There are some god-awful dynamics within my family for various reasons, including addiction. Memorial/funeral services are always stressful as there is always something weird. I just try to remember that I’m there for my own closure and to support those family members I care about.
Sounds like you’ve cleaned your house around the issue with your friend as much as you can. Being supportive of your mom’s continued friendship was/is a generous thing. I would suggest that you have every right to go into this with your head held high. I tend to fall back on formality in difficult situations, so a polite greeting and possibly a handshake, maybe something like, “thank you for coming” at first opportunity in the context of greeting everyone sets the stage for her to approach you if anything has changed. If not, so be it. This is about your family first and foremost, so a bit of the hostess role gives you some cover.
No matter what happened in the past, I hope that pride in all you’ve accomplished can stay forefront in your mind. For me, a calm exterior goes a long way to control my inner quaking in atressful situations such as these.
Sorry about your dad, and best wishes in this.
-bora
There are some god-awful dynamics within my family for various reasons, including addiction. Memorial/funeral services are always stressful as there is always something weird. I just try to remember that I’m there for my own closure and to support those family members I care about.
Sounds like you’ve cleaned your house around the issue with your friend as much as you can. Being supportive of your mom’s continued friendship was/is a generous thing. I would suggest that you have every right to go into this with your head held high. I tend to fall back on formality in difficult situations, so a polite greeting and possibly a handshake, maybe something like, “thank you for coming” at first opportunity in the context of greeting everyone sets the stage for her to approach you if anything has changed. If not, so be it. This is about your family first and foremost, so a bit of the hostess role gives you some cover.
No matter what happened in the past, I hope that pride in all you’ve accomplished can stay forefront in your mind. For me, a calm exterior goes a long way to control my inner quaking in atressful situations such as these.
Sorry about your dad, and best wishes in this.
-bora
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Originally Posted by boreas
Sassy,
There are some god-awful dynamics within my family for various reasons, including addiction. Memorial/funeral services are always stressful as there is always something weird. I just try to remember that I’m there for my own closure and to support those family members I care about.
Sounds like you’ve cleaned your house around the issue with your friend as much as you can. Being supportive of your mom’s continued friendship was/is a generous thing. I would suggest that you have every right to go into this with your head held high. I tend to fall back on formality in difficult situations, so a polite greeting and possibly a handshake, maybe something like, “thank you for coming” at first opportunity in the context of greeting everyone sets the stage for her to approach you if anything has changed. If not, so be it. This is about your family first and foremost, so a bit of the hostess role gives you some cover.
No matter what happened in the past, I hope that pride in all you’ve accomplished can stay forefront in your mind. For me, a calm exterior goes a long way to control my inner quaking in atressful situations such as these.
Sorry about your dad, and best wishes in this.
-bora
There are some god-awful dynamics within my family for various reasons, including addiction. Memorial/funeral services are always stressful as there is always something weird. I just try to remember that I’m there for my own closure and to support those family members I care about.
Sounds like you’ve cleaned your house around the issue with your friend as much as you can. Being supportive of your mom’s continued friendship was/is a generous thing. I would suggest that you have every right to go into this with your head held high. I tend to fall back on formality in difficult situations, so a polite greeting and possibly a handshake, maybe something like, “thank you for coming” at first opportunity in the context of greeting everyone sets the stage for her to approach you if anything has changed. If not, so be it. This is about your family first and foremost, so a bit of the hostess role gives you some cover.
No matter what happened in the past, I hope that pride in all you’ve accomplished can stay forefront in your mind. For me, a calm exterior goes a long way to control my inner quaking in atressful situations such as these.
Sorry about your dad, and best wishes in this.
-bora
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you have no idea what she will do, and quite possibly she is freaking out now, too, wondering what YOU will do.
i like all the suggestions for being gracious hostess-like.
i think if you concentrate on the reason everyone is there and keep that foremost in your mind, you will both be fine. i would not make any additional apologies at this occasion or point in time, but would go up to her deliberately, extend my hand , thank herfor coming and being such a support to my mom.
my guess is that this would leave you in a peaceful place..?
i like all the suggestions for being gracious hostess-like.
i think if you concentrate on the reason everyone is there and keep that foremost in your mind, you will both be fine. i would not make any additional apologies at this occasion or point in time, but would go up to her deliberately, extend my hand , thank herfor coming and being such a support to my mom.
my guess is that this would leave you in a peaceful place..?
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Originally Posted by fini
you have no idea what she will do, and quite possibly she is freaking out now, too, wondering what YOU will do.
i like all the suggestions for being gracious hostess-like.
i think if you concentrate on the reason everyone is there and keep that foremost in your mind, you will both be fine. i would not make any additional apologies at this occasion or point in time, but would go up to her deliberately, extend my hand , thank herfor coming and being such a support to my mom.
my guess is that this would leave you in a peaceful place..?
i like all the suggestions for being gracious hostess-like.
i think if you concentrate on the reason everyone is there and keep that foremost in your mind, you will both be fine. i would not make any additional apologies at this occasion or point in time, but would go up to her deliberately, extend my hand , thank herfor coming and being such a support to my mom.
my guess is that this would leave you in a peaceful place..?
Yes. I wondered the same thing....if she is debating whether to come, wanting to support my mom but then that awkward bad blood between us. I will be the adult, calmly greeting, that is what makes the most sense.
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Originally Posted by least
I like the gracious hostess idea. 
Put your best foot forward and let things go as they may.
Put your best foot forward and let things go as they may. Thank you.
I don’t know why this makes me so emotional. I am a grown woman. It’s ridiculous. Again, I think it just reminds me of the hurt I caused, and it makes me feel bad.
But this is definitely about my father, and the rest of my family.
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You never know. Fences might actually end up mended.
You're not the same person you were when you said or did what you said or did.
You're not even the same person I met when I first joined SR in 2017.
Maybe she'll recognize it too.
You're not the same person you were when you said or did what you said or did.
You're not even the same person I met when I first joined SR in 2017.
Maybe she'll recognize it too.
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Originally Posted by MindfulMan
You never know. Fences might actually end up mended.
You're not the same person you were when you said or did what you said or did.
You're not even the same person I met when I first joined SR in 2017.
Maybe she'll recognize it too.
You're not the same person you were when you said or did what you said or did.
You're not even the same person I met when I first joined SR in 2017.
Maybe she'll recognize it too.
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Sassy you have already received some excellent suggestions and there is nothing I can add in that regard. Just want to give you my condolences and support. I hope this event goes better than you expect it to.
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Such great replies.
I think what AAPJ said touched on what I was thinking. Things are never as bad as I think they will be, but when I am catastrophising it makes everything seem huge and like it's all about me. Next right thing and all that. You're not the same Sassy and everyone knows that.
Funerals are about family and honoring the one who has passed, I think you'll do great.
I think what AAPJ said touched on what I was thinking. Things are never as bad as I think they will be, but when I am catastrophising it makes everything seem huge and like it's all about me. Next right thing and all that. You're not the same Sassy and everyone knows that.
Funerals are about family and honoring the one who has passed, I think you'll do great.
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Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
I’m supposed to be honoring my father and all I can think about is bad feelings with memorial guests and keeping my tail between my legs through the whole thing.
im thinking that when the time comes, approach her when she shows up and thank her for coming.keep the occasion about your father. maybe even express how happy you are that she has remained friends with your mother.
approach her and the elephant leaves the room.
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For those who said I’m not the same person, well in some ways, I am. I still say things I regret, and am way more blunt with words than most people are. My father was the same. I liken it to a grouchy hermit. Introverts who don’t keep people too close, so they push people away a little bit with words.
Sobriety has done wonders for me in this department, it has taught me a lot about restraint, respect, checking in with myself and my own feelings to make sure I am not reacting selfishly or unkindly out of spite or childishness, etc. there is so much work for me to do with social skills that I cringe when I think about how I used to drink alcoholically and then interact with others without thinking. Ironically, my job requires me to do a fair amount of public speaking in small groups and I’m very good at formal, educated speaking with problem solving involved or helping others navigate difficult situations, etc but I am not good at being a friend. Sometimes you have to learn how to be a friend that people can trust.
Memorials are difficult because they bring back people from the past, people we haven’t seen in a long time, and when you’re an alcoholic the contrast between who you were and who you are now can be stark. Everyone’s looking at you like the person you were.
Thanks to those to reminded me to hold up my head like the person I am, or at least the person I am working to be, now. And for the solid advice about how to proceed socially, I really wasn’t sure if I should apologize again, so I appreciate the consensus about my comportment here.
You’re all such lovely people, It’s been nice to be able to come here after my dad’s death to talk about things.
Sobriety has done wonders for me in this department, it has taught me a lot about restraint, respect, checking in with myself and my own feelings to make sure I am not reacting selfishly or unkindly out of spite or childishness, etc. there is so much work for me to do with social skills that I cringe when I think about how I used to drink alcoholically and then interact with others without thinking. Ironically, my job requires me to do a fair amount of public speaking in small groups and I’m very good at formal, educated speaking with problem solving involved or helping others navigate difficult situations, etc but I am not good at being a friend. Sometimes you have to learn how to be a friend that people can trust.
Memorials are difficult because they bring back people from the past, people we haven’t seen in a long time, and when you’re an alcoholic the contrast between who you were and who you are now can be stark. Everyone’s looking at you like the person you were.
Thanks to those to reminded me to hold up my head like the person I am, or at least the person I am working to be, now. And for the solid advice about how to proceed socially, I really wasn’t sure if I should apologize again, so I appreciate the consensus about my comportment here.
You’re all such lovely people, It’s been nice to be able to come here after my dad’s death to talk about things.
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Sassy - I was going to say exactly what Opi said - and all the other responses are wonderful too.
When I first got sober I left a trail of misery & chaos behind me. People were confused & disillusioned by my behavior. Eventually the sane & sober me took over & dimmed most of the awful memories. Those who understood what I'd been through forgave me & were so happy I was 'back'. The few who didn't even try to understand addiction & dependence remained cool & distant. I groveled a bit - but became disgusted with myself for doing so. You're to be admired, even though it's impossible for some to acknowledge all that you've achieved.
When I first got sober I left a trail of misery & chaos behind me. People were confused & disillusioned by my behavior. Eventually the sane & sober me took over & dimmed most of the awful memories. Those who understood what I'd been through forgave me & were so happy I was 'back'. The few who didn't even try to understand addiction & dependence remained cool & distant. I groveled a bit - but became disgusted with myself for doing so. You're to be admired, even though it's impossible for some to acknowledge all that you've achieved.
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Sassy, i don't know the history, of course, but you did say you had a 40-year friendship. so there must have been lots of stuff about you she appreciated and invited into her life. you were in her life because of who and how you were.
you are who you are now because of who and how you were then. it's what got you here. that's a good thing.
you are who you are now because of who and how you were then. it's what got you here. that's a good thing.
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Originally Posted by fini
Sassy, i don't know the history, of course, but you did say you had a 40-year friendship. so there must have been lots of stuff about you she appreciated and invited into her life. you were in her life because of who and how you were.
you are who you are now because of who and how you were then. it's what got you here. that's a good thing.
you are who you are now because of who and how you were then. it's what got you here. that's a good thing.
One of our mutual friends of 30 years (who is closer to me than to her, but she still considers her a friend) does not believe it was alcohol that drove us apart. Of course she is not alcoholic, and doesn’t factor that into the disasters that happen in life, so she’s not as addiction-aware. She says, “honestly sass, I think you two are just very different people.”
I would just like it to not be awkward. That would make me feel peace about it.
It is something that would have never happened if I had been a sober person. We would still be on human, decent terms with one another, because I don’t have psychotic angry outbursts anymore. I consider this an important lesson, that adds weight and substance to the path I have chosen.
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