Blackout ramifications, a long time later.
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However, my mom has given a heartfelt invitation to this woman to the memorial. I have to say I’m freaked out. This woman and I have mutual friends coming, some of these friends are very close to me, they also really like her, it’s just going to be crazy awkward. I am stressed just imagining what this event will be like.
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Okay. There is a guy I've known for 50 years. He is musically talented and played with some pretty good rock bands on stage and TV as keyboardist plus composes darned good classical music that is along the lines of Mozart, fairly well educated in communications electronics circuitry design, is a darned nice guy, cares for others, takes care of himself and took care of his mom and dad when they were alive, blah, blah, blah.
But he is a binge drinker, and when he is on a drunk, LOOK OUT!!! He has been in jail so many times for public intoxication who knows, was committed to Camarillo State Hospital in California (Hotel California for those of you who are The Eagles band fans). To his credit, he has never driven drunk and does not own a car, rather unusual. But he has been arrested for riding his bicycle drunk. He has never been in a physical fight as an adult, either, but he is just plain obnoxious and foul-mouthed. He can go for a few years being sober, and I really enjoy being around him, and when I was a drunk, I NEVER drank with him, when we were together we were both sober.
He doesn't have a lot of friends left because of all the verbal fights he's gotten into with people over his lifetime, the old "once bitten, twice shy". But I like hanging out with him when he's sober because he's fine. So what I do is very cautiously approach him and scope him out to see if he's on a drunk, and if he's not, then the visit is on, he plays his piano and electric organ and we have a blast! Earl Grey? Yes, with lemon.
It just depends on how much someone values 40 or 50 years of friendship with what they will put up with, and how smart they are in dealing with someone. My buddy Mike is not conniving plus I can tell from past experience when he's drunk and to stay away from him. Mike never stole anything from me, never hit me, all he did was was verbal, and it was the booze talking, AND I KNOW THAT.
But he is a binge drinker, and when he is on a drunk, LOOK OUT!!! He has been in jail so many times for public intoxication who knows, was committed to Camarillo State Hospital in California (Hotel California for those of you who are The Eagles band fans). To his credit, he has never driven drunk and does not own a car, rather unusual. But he has been arrested for riding his bicycle drunk. He has never been in a physical fight as an adult, either, but he is just plain obnoxious and foul-mouthed. He can go for a few years being sober, and I really enjoy being around him, and when I was a drunk, I NEVER drank with him, when we were together we were both sober.
He doesn't have a lot of friends left because of all the verbal fights he's gotten into with people over his lifetime, the old "once bitten, twice shy". But I like hanging out with him when he's sober because he's fine. So what I do is very cautiously approach him and scope him out to see if he's on a drunk, and if he's not, then the visit is on, he plays his piano and electric organ and we have a blast! Earl Grey? Yes, with lemon.
It just depends on how much someone values 40 or 50 years of friendship with what they will put up with, and how smart they are in dealing with someone. My buddy Mike is not conniving plus I can tell from past experience when he's drunk and to stay away from him. Mike never stole anything from me, never hit me, all he did was was verbal, and it was the booze talking, AND I KNOW THAT.
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the first person i made amends to was a woman i had been friends with fir a goid two decades.
i hadn’t talked with her in over a decade (not the woman i mentioned in a previous post), and knew what i needed to amend.
after i spoke, she told me about something else rotten i had written to her, and that i had no memory of doing. my letter had included ending the friendship and accusing her of selfishness, not being a goid friend et cetera.
as i said, i had no memory of having written it, and certainly not of sending it (must have walked to the mailbox after drunkenly writing it), but i was quite horrified and of course very very sorry.
in the ensuing years, we have had coffee several times, and over these occasions i have come to see that my sentiments about her might have been unprovoked but were not misplaced, as she is indeed quite self-absorbed, and i see now that she was basically a friend by default. we were neighbours and very young stay-at-home moms when we first met, and we spent a LOT of time together.
so i see that i said some horrid and hurtful things to her, and did her harm, but also that in my horrid way of going about it i spoke a truth i had not acknowledged.
it has been an interesting experience, to say the least.
i feel lucky this came up while i was making amends and we were already having that conversation, and so i got a chance to “clear that wreckage” at the same time.
after a year or two sober, i also came to see that while drinking, some of my friendships were ones that i likely would not have been in, or kept more at acquaintance level, but felt i did not really deserve better.
you have done your part, Sassy, i think, and seeing clearly the complexities of bygone relationships is a blessing.
i hadn’t talked with her in over a decade (not the woman i mentioned in a previous post), and knew what i needed to amend.
after i spoke, she told me about something else rotten i had written to her, and that i had no memory of doing. my letter had included ending the friendship and accusing her of selfishness, not being a goid friend et cetera.
as i said, i had no memory of having written it, and certainly not of sending it (must have walked to the mailbox after drunkenly writing it), but i was quite horrified and of course very very sorry.
in the ensuing years, we have had coffee several times, and over these occasions i have come to see that my sentiments about her might have been unprovoked but were not misplaced, as she is indeed quite self-absorbed, and i see now that she was basically a friend by default. we were neighbours and very young stay-at-home moms when we first met, and we spent a LOT of time together.
so i see that i said some horrid and hurtful things to her, and did her harm, but also that in my horrid way of going about it i spoke a truth i had not acknowledged.
it has been an interesting experience, to say the least.
i feel lucky this came up while i was making amends and we were already having that conversation, and so i got a chance to “clear that wreckage” at the same time.
after a year or two sober, i also came to see that while drinking, some of my friendships were ones that i likely would not have been in, or kept more at acquaintance level, but felt i did not really deserve better.
you have done your part, Sassy, i think, and seeing clearly the complexities of bygone relationships is a blessing.
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Originally Posted by Lautca 
Okay. There is a guy I've known for 50 years. He is musically talented and played with some pretty good rock bands on stage and TV as keyboardist plus composes darned good classical music that is along the lines of Mozart, fairly well educated in communications electronics circuitry design, is a darned nice guy, cares for others, takes care of himself and took care of his mom and dad when they were alive, blah, blah, blah.
But he is a binge drinker, and when he is on a drunk, LOOK OUT!!! He has been in jail so many times for public intoxication who knows, was committed to Camarillo State Hospital in California (Hotel California for those of you who are The Eagles band fans). To his credit, he has never driven drunk and does not own a car, rather unusual. But he has been arrested for riding his bicycle drunk. He has never been in a physical fight as an adult, either, but he is just plain obnoxious and foul-mouthed. He can go for a few years being sober, and I really enjoy being around him, and when I was a drunk, I NEVER drank with him, when we were together we were both sober.
He doesn't have a lot of friends left because of all the verbal fights he's gotten into with people over his lifetime, the old "once bitten, twice shy". But I like hanging out with him when he's sober because he's fine. So what I do is very cautiously approach him and scope him out to see if he's on a drunk, and if he's not, then the visit is on, he plays his piano and electric organ and we have a blast! Earl Grey? Yes, with lemon.
It just depends on how much someone values 40 or 50 years of friendship with what they will put up with, and how smart they are in dealing with someone. My buddy Mike is not conniving plus I can tell from past experience when he's drunk and to stay away from him. Mike never stole anything from me, never hit me, all he did was was verbal, and it was the booze talking, AND I KNOW THAT.
But he is a binge drinker, and when he is on a drunk, LOOK OUT!!! He has been in jail so many times for public intoxication who knows, was committed to Camarillo State Hospital in California (Hotel California for those of you who are The Eagles band fans). To his credit, he has never driven drunk and does not own a car, rather unusual. But he has been arrested for riding his bicycle drunk. He has never been in a physical fight as an adult, either, but he is just plain obnoxious and foul-mouthed. He can go for a few years being sober, and I really enjoy being around him, and when I was a drunk, I NEVER drank with him, when we were together we were both sober.
He doesn't have a lot of friends left because of all the verbal fights he's gotten into with people over his lifetime, the old "once bitten, twice shy". But I like hanging out with him when he's sober because he's fine. So what I do is very cautiously approach him and scope him out to see if he's on a drunk, and if he's not, then the visit is on, he plays his piano and electric organ and we have a blast! Earl Grey? Yes, with lemon.
It just depends on how much someone values 40 or 50 years of friendship with what they will put up with, and how smart they are in dealing with someone. My buddy Mike is not conniving plus I can tell from past experience when he's drunk and to stay away from him. Mike never stole anything from me, never hit me, all he did was was verbal, and it was the booze talking, AND I KNOW THAT.
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Originally Posted by fini
the first person i made amends to was a woman i had been friends with fir a goid two decades.
i hadn’t talked with her in over a decade (not the woman i mentioned in a previous post), and knew what i needed to amend.
after i spoke, she told me about something else rotten i had written to her, and that i had no memory of doing. my letter had included ending the friendship and accusing her of selfishness, not being a goid friend et cetera.
as i said, i had no memory of having written it, and certainly not of sending it (must have walked to the mailbox after drunkenly writing it), but i was quite horrified and of course very very sorry.
in the ensuing years, we have had coffee several times, and over these occasions i have come to see that my sentiments about her might have been unprovoked but were not misplaced, as she is indeed quite self-absorbed, and i see now that she was basically a friend by default. we were neighbours and very young stay-at-home moms when we first met, and we spent a LOT of time together.
so i see that i said some horrid and hurtful things to her, and did her harm, but also that in my horrid way of going about it i spoke a truth i had not acknowledged.
it has been an interesting experience, to say the least.
i feel lucky this came up while i was making amends and we were already having that conversation, and so i got a chance to “clear that wreckage” at the same time.
after a year or two sober, i also came to see that while drinking, some of my friendships were ones that i likely would not have been in, or kept more at acquaintance level, but felt i did not really deserve better.
you have done your part, Sassy, i think, and seeing clearly the complexities of bygone relationships is a blessing.
i hadn’t talked with her in over a decade (not the woman i mentioned in a previous post), and knew what i needed to amend.
after i spoke, she told me about something else rotten i had written to her, and that i had no memory of doing. my letter had included ending the friendship and accusing her of selfishness, not being a goid friend et cetera.
as i said, i had no memory of having written it, and certainly not of sending it (must have walked to the mailbox after drunkenly writing it), but i was quite horrified and of course very very sorry.
in the ensuing years, we have had coffee several times, and over these occasions i have come to see that my sentiments about her might have been unprovoked but were not misplaced, as she is indeed quite self-absorbed, and i see now that she was basically a friend by default. we were neighbours and very young stay-at-home moms when we first met, and we spent a LOT of time together.
so i see that i said some horrid and hurtful things to her, and did her harm, but also that in my horrid way of going about it i spoke a truth i had not acknowledged.
it has been an interesting experience, to say the least.
i feel lucky this came up while i was making amends and we were already having that conversation, and so i got a chance to “clear that wreckage” at the same time.
after a year or two sober, i also came to see that while drinking, some of my friendships were ones that i likely would not have been in, or kept more at acquaintance level, but felt i did not really deserve better.
you have done your part, Sassy, i think, and seeing clearly the complexities of bygone relationships is a blessing.
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You've gotten great advise, no doubt about that.
Here's the thing about amends. Right or wrong, there's 2 sides to this. Yours and hers. I think there's little doubt to anyone who knows you at all, that you've stepped up and done everything you can to put your drinking days behind you. I think, your mom probably knows that and I think all of the friends you have in common must know that by now too.
At the same time...friends with you or not, I'd bet my car that she knows exactly how you're doing. What you've done to get where you are, and what you're about these days. Make no mistake...hate us or love us those who knew us are always curious.
Be that as it may, you can play the hostess or be mildly freaked out or you could show your ass a little.
What I mean by that is there's probably a fair share of people who are expecting you to fall apart and fail...or not...but if I were you, I'd make sure I was like a piece of iron that day. Walk in there as a rock for your family and make sure you hold your head high.
If she wants anything to do with you, she knows where you are. You're side of the street is clean. Maybe she's waiting on an apology with the "sober for a year, wise" Sassy.
I have no doubt you'll do fine in either case.
I lost my BFF before I got sober too. I made amends at 2 and a half years, aand that was after trying and getting shot down at 18 months. I think in the end, he respected the effort. We talk everyday in some capacity now.
I'd say good luck, but s#it Sassy, you know what you're doing. I have no doubt you'll handle this like a gangster. (in a good way)
Here's the thing about amends. Right or wrong, there's 2 sides to this. Yours and hers. I think there's little doubt to anyone who knows you at all, that you've stepped up and done everything you can to put your drinking days behind you. I think, your mom probably knows that and I think all of the friends you have in common must know that by now too.
At the same time...friends with you or not, I'd bet my car that she knows exactly how you're doing. What you've done to get where you are, and what you're about these days. Make no mistake...hate us or love us those who knew us are always curious.
Be that as it may, you can play the hostess or be mildly freaked out or you could show your ass a little.
What I mean by that is there's probably a fair share of people who are expecting you to fall apart and fail...or not...but if I were you, I'd make sure I was like a piece of iron that day. Walk in there as a rock for your family and make sure you hold your head high.
If she wants anything to do with you, she knows where you are. You're side of the street is clean. Maybe she's waiting on an apology with the "sober for a year, wise" Sassy.
I have no doubt you'll do fine in either case.
I lost my BFF before I got sober too. I made amends at 2 and a half years, aand that was after trying and getting shot down at 18 months. I think in the end, he respected the effort. We talk everyday in some capacity now.
I'd say good luck, but s#it Sassy, you know what you're doing. I have no doubt you'll handle this like a gangster. (in a good way)
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Originally Posted by BullDog777
You've gotten great advise, no doubt about that.
Here's the thing about amends. Right or wrong, there's 2 sides to this. Yours and hers. I think there's little doubt to anyone who knows you at all, that you've stepped up and done everything you can to put your drinking days behind you. I think, your mom probably knows that and I think all of the friends you have in common must know that by now too.
At the same time...friends with you or not, I'd bet my car that she knows exactly how you're doing. What you've done to get where you are, and what you're about these days. Make no mistake...hate us or love us those who knew us are always curious.
Be that as it may, you can play the hostess or be mildly freaked out or you could show your ass a little.
What I mean by that is there's probably a fair share of people who are expecting you to fall apart and fail...or not...but if I were you, I'd make sure I was like a piece of iron that day. Walk in there as a rock for your family and make sure you hold your head high.
If she wants anything to do with you, she knows where you are. You're side of the street is clean. Maybe she's waiting on an apology with the "sober for a year, wise" Sassy.
I have no doubt you'll do fine in either case.
I lost my BFF before I got sober too. I made amends at 2 and a half years, aand that was after trying and getting shot down at 18 months. I think in the end, he respected the effort. We talk everyday in some capacity now.
I'd say good luck, but s#it Sassy, you know what you're doing. I have no doubt you'll handle this like a gangster. (in a good way)
Here's the thing about amends. Right or wrong, there's 2 sides to this. Yours and hers. I think there's little doubt to anyone who knows you at all, that you've stepped up and done everything you can to put your drinking days behind you. I think, your mom probably knows that and I think all of the friends you have in common must know that by now too.
At the same time...friends with you or not, I'd bet my car that she knows exactly how you're doing. What you've done to get where you are, and what you're about these days. Make no mistake...hate us or love us those who knew us are always curious.
Be that as it may, you can play the hostess or be mildly freaked out or you could show your ass a little.
What I mean by that is there's probably a fair share of people who are expecting you to fall apart and fail...or not...but if I were you, I'd make sure I was like a piece of iron that day. Walk in there as a rock for your family and make sure you hold your head high.
If she wants anything to do with you, she knows where you are. You're side of the street is clean. Maybe she's waiting on an apology with the "sober for a year, wise" Sassy.
I have no doubt you'll do fine in either case.
I lost my BFF before I got sober too. I made amends at 2 and a half years, aand that was after trying and getting shot down at 18 months. I think in the end, he respected the effort. We talk everyday in some capacity now.
I'd say good luck, but s#it Sassy, you know what you're doing. I have no doubt you'll handle this like a gangster. (in a good way)
Never occurred to me that of course....she knows things. Even if she can’t glean it from Facebook.
Sometimes, I gotta work on my confidence.
Dealing with the death of my father has caused a lot of pain, which has weakened me a bit. I stayed sober, but I’m still hit with it hard. Tired, questioning so many things (thank God not my sobriety...such a blessing), depressed, wondering how to move forward, just trying to make it through each day as a normal human being.
Everyone says to be strong and hold my head up, but grief has left me crumbling, and that doesn’t have anything to do with my sobriety. This issue coming forth was like another stress that threatened to topple me, because I have so few emotional reserves left.
I will be okay. I rely on my sobriety to give me a clear head, clear thinking, and a desire to do what’s right always, so when I feel like I want to never get out of bed again, I remember that I have daughters and my mom who love me, a good job where the coworkers care about me, a family, I have a life. And then I get out of bed.
Add alcoholic drinking to that, and suddenly living for others when I can’t live for myself isn’t possible, because drinking makes it all about me.
So, I will be alright. I just wanted to impart to everyone here just how much I’m suffering, so they can see why small things like this threaten me so.
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SS, I think we as alcoholics tend to worry and over think about events that haven't even happened yet. It's natural for us. The thing is though, it usually turns out completely different than how we imagine it would.
So here's my suggestion, don't worry about this. You're there for yourself and support for your family. To honor your father and find closure in his passing.
Be respectful and gracious to your old friend. That's it. Keep it simple. Move on. If she wants to reconcile that's fine. But don't dwell on this. It's alcoholism in it's most devious form. The disease looms in your sober mind and it will stop at nothing to get you to relasap. Pure and simple. So lay this to rest and move on. Don't give another thought.
Just my advice, I hope it helps.
So here's my suggestion, don't worry about this. You're there for yourself and support for your family. To honor your father and find closure in his passing.
Be respectful and gracious to your old friend. That's it. Keep it simple. Move on. If she wants to reconcile that's fine. But don't dwell on this. It's alcoholism in it's most devious form. The disease looms in your sober mind and it will stop at nothing to get you to relasap. Pure and simple. So lay this to rest and move on. Don't give another thought.
Just my advice, I hope it helps.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Thinking about you Sass.
I have a friend like that (or seems so based on your words). In our case, she is still drinking like a crazy person and mean as hell when she does. And loves to kick me passively agressively. Loads of fun. (I know your friend is not a drinker, but sounds like she might be the rest.)
Not sure why I stick around, but I guess I feel obligated after all these years. And she has lost almost everyone she had to early death, including a son to an overdose.
So, I guess what I am saying is that sometimes the friendship really has just run its course. I am sure your gin fuelled outburst was a push, but maybe it wasthe push it needed and it was just time. If not, I bet she would have been back since she obviosuly knows how well you are doing from your mom.
My therpaist always tell me that I have to be polite and kind but I don't have to find a way to be everyone's friend or to like them.
In fact she told me the most freeing thing -- if you dont like someone, they dont like you either - its nature's way. Wow.
Lots of love and support for you and your family from your SR family.
I have a friend like that (or seems so based on your words). In our case, she is still drinking like a crazy person and mean as hell when she does. And loves to kick me passively agressively. Loads of fun. (I know your friend is not a drinker, but sounds like she might be the rest.)
Not sure why I stick around, but I guess I feel obligated after all these years. And she has lost almost everyone she had to early death, including a son to an overdose.
So, I guess what I am saying is that sometimes the friendship really has just run its course. I am sure your gin fuelled outburst was a push, but maybe it wasthe push it needed and it was just time. If not, I bet she would have been back since she obviosuly knows how well you are doing from your mom.
My therpaist always tell me that I have to be polite and kind but I don't have to find a way to be everyone's friend or to like them.
In fact she told me the most freeing thing -- if you dont like someone, they dont like you either - its nature's way. Wow.
Lots of love and support for you and your family from your SR family.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Sass, I get it. My father died on my 16th birthday so it's been a long time, but I was broken for a long time after he died.
All the rest of my family has also passed and I'm single with no kids, so grief and I are very well acquainted.
Alcohol robbed me of the ability to cope when I was drinking. Unfortunately I picked up after 18 years sober when I was going through all these deaths. I had a chronic illness and lost a job and my best friend of 20 years (through a breakup I initiated, but still) and I just fell apart and could not cope. At all.
I would strongly recommend some counseling right now or a grief group. It needs to be talked out - that was the best thing for me.
Then the other thing that helped was meditation. Just focus on the breath. Quieting the thoughts is key.
You're gonna make it through this grief. Two steps forward, one step back. I'm sorry you have to wait so long for this memorial, that seems really hard. I bet once it's over you'll feel a lot better.
((hug))
All the rest of my family has also passed and I'm single with no kids, so grief and I are very well acquainted.
Alcohol robbed me of the ability to cope when I was drinking. Unfortunately I picked up after 18 years sober when I was going through all these deaths. I had a chronic illness and lost a job and my best friend of 20 years (through a breakup I initiated, but still) and I just fell apart and could not cope. At all.
I would strongly recommend some counseling right now or a grief group. It needs to be talked out - that was the best thing for me.
Then the other thing that helped was meditation. Just focus on the breath. Quieting the thoughts is key.
You're gonna make it through this grief. Two steps forward, one step back. I'm sorry you have to wait so long for this memorial, that seems really hard. I bet once it's over you'll feel a lot better.
((hug))
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I ran across someone in the grocery store today. The mom of one of my husband’s best friends from college, so not close to me but still a long time acquaintance. She’s in her 70’s and I’m 49, but we had quite a moment. She said how are you doing, are things going ok? I don’t know why (she’s just always been kind and gentle, maybe?) I immediately told her that I lost my dad in January.
Tears welled in her eyes and she said “I lost my 96 year old mom on January 1st.”
We hugged, we cried, we talked about the guilt; we both had guilt even though she cared for her mom at the end. We talked about the pain, about how it doesn’t matter how old they are, or what they’ve been through or how long they were sick or anything, it’s just the pain of losing a parent.
I don’t know who sent this woman to me today...but that was such a blessing. She said “we were supposed to see each other today.”
In the grocery store.
Life is extraordinary, sometimes, even in the most ordinary of circumstances.
Tears welled in her eyes and she said “I lost my 96 year old mom on January 1st.”
We hugged, we cried, we talked about the guilt; we both had guilt even though she cared for her mom at the end. We talked about the pain, about how it doesn’t matter how old they are, or what they’ve been through or how long they were sick or anything, it’s just the pain of losing a parent.
I don’t know who sent this woman to me today...but that was such a blessing. She said “we were supposed to see each other today.”
In the grocery store.
Life is extraordinary, sometimes, even in the most ordinary of circumstances.
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Hi SS
Really sorry to hear about your Dad - sounds like you are doing great supporting your Mum and a family while coping with it yourself.
Regarding your ex friend, important to be kind to yourself. I get amends etc are important are we are responsible for our actions. Looking back I still regret how how I behaved with my wife when drunk, especially as a bereaved mum she needed better. But for other people, not so much any more. It’s not a life sentence,
I hope that I could forgive and forget the actions of a friend done when drunk if they were now sober. I don’t condone or enable drunk behaviour and as a result am estranged from my actively alcoholic brother. And I see that normies may not grasp how hard it is for those of us who struggle(d) with drink to overcome it. But equally, if after a while this person can’t show the compassion, empathy or perspective to get over it, that’s maybe their problem. So tricky to manage the situation but may help to emotionally detach from her and focus of course on your Mum and family...which sounds like you are doing a great job of.
Anyway, my thoughts with you at a tough time
Really sorry to hear about your Dad - sounds like you are doing great supporting your Mum and a family while coping with it yourself.
Regarding your ex friend, important to be kind to yourself. I get amends etc are important are we are responsible for our actions. Looking back I still regret how how I behaved with my wife when drunk, especially as a bereaved mum she needed better. But for other people, not so much any more. It’s not a life sentence,
I hope that I could forgive and forget the actions of a friend done when drunk if they were now sober. I don’t condone or enable drunk behaviour and as a result am estranged from my actively alcoholic brother. And I see that normies may not grasp how hard it is for those of us who struggle(d) with drink to overcome it. But equally, if after a while this person can’t show the compassion, empathy or perspective to get over it, that’s maybe their problem. So tricky to manage the situation but may help to emotionally detach from her and focus of course on your Mum and family...which sounds like you are doing a great job of.
Anyway, my thoughts with you at a tough time
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SS I’m so happy that kind woman was sent to you in the grocery store. At first what I heard in your posts in the thread was just genuine sadness about not being able to rectify the situation with your friend, like it would feel to me like completing the cleaning on my side of the street couldn’t be finished even if the friend was damaged goods. But it’s really more pure unadulterated grief and then not wanting to have this sh&* dropped on top of everything else. I think you’ve gotten such great advice, including the grief support/counseling. And am hoping for you you will now have clarity in your heart, knowing you did what you could and maybe that’s as much effort as you would even want to put into it given her own contribution to the problems. Just wanted to say I don’t blame you for feeling very very sad and I’m glad you have the wisdom to come here and talk about where you are.
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Just be polite and composed. Keep your mind on why you’re there. It’s your father’s service and not a show....dont worry about the guests. You’re sober now - that’s what they will see and remember.
I’m sorry for your loss
I’m sorry for your loss
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Originally Posted by Numblady
SS I’m so happy that kind woman was sent to you in the grocery store. At first what I heard in your posts in the thread was just genuine sadness about not being able to rectify the situation with your friend, like it would feel to me like completing the cleaning on my side of the street couldn’t be finished even if the friend was damaged goods. But it’s really more pure unadulterated grief and then not wanting to have this sh&* dropped on top of everything else. I think you’ve gotten such great advice, including the grief support/counseling. And am hoping for you you will now have clarity in your heart, knowing you did what you could and maybe that’s as much effort as you would even want to put into it given her own contribution to the problems. Just wanted to say I don’t blame you for feeling very very sad and I’m glad you have the wisdom to come here and talk about where you are.
I appreciate people clarifying for me how it just doesn’t matter, in this context. It’s about my father, not about friend drama.
I was definitely venting. I’m still reeling from getting sober, and then my dad died, and so having my world turned upside down again was almost too much, and then here rolls along some more consequences I have to face about regrettable things I did when I was drinking, years ago.
I have to talk about it.
You’re right that it really was not just about friend drama, it was about being sober, dealing with past consequences, the heaviness of grief, waves of sadness and trying to cope through the muddiness of it all.
I’m not a “go to counseling” kind of person, so I’m betting I won’t, so I am just going to keep trying to do the next right thing, which isn’t always doing things for everyone else...but trying to do things for myself that will allow peace in my life instead of chaos: physically, emotionally and spiritually.
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